Heart

I've been slack blogger lately. Mostly because I've had an awesome time setting up the Two Vegan Girls site with my dear friend, Vik. It's pretty awesome, I am excited about it and where it might go. We've also been busy writing and coupled with school holidays and the usual stuff, life's been a bit busier.

So, time to shift focus again. To be strong. To try and hang in there. Forget the heart and lead with the head for a bit. Concentrate on 2VG, on uni starting in a month or so, and on meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone more often. I feel like I am on the verge of a major life shift. I can choose to go with it, fear and all and see what wonder it brings, or I can stay safe in my familiar though stunted current life. I know which I have to choose, I hope I can find the courage and motivation to embrace it.

It'll be okay.

My nest is emptying a little

I'm scared. There. I've said it. Scared may even be an understatement. Here's the backstory - I tried for almost 3 years to conceive my son. Eventually, I did so, and he is my precious firstborn. He's now 9, and in grade 3, time is flying by at a pace I cannot keep up with. We started trying for a second child when he was just 6 months old, knowing how long it had taken to get him, and aware the same challenge may present itself. In fact, it was worse. It took five long, pain filled years, rounds of clomid, of artificial inseminations, of giving up altogether, then of IVF and finally, finally, my beautiful daughter was conceived and came into this world. She is turning 4 next month. You know what that means, right?

It means next year she is off to kindergarten. 15 hours a week there, before beginning school in 2014. And I... I can hardly bear to think of it. That sounds dramatic, but you must understand how longed for my babies were. How much I have valued every second that slips past faster than I can grab onto it. How much I enjoy their company. When RJ was just two months old, my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. That first year of her life was a blur of chemo, surgeries, and fear. Not to mention the masters thesis that I had to write and submit. Mum is now three years cancer free, my masters is completed, and my baby girl is about to start leaving the nest.

I don't know how to prepare myself for this. Just thinking about it makes tears well up on my eyes and my heart pound. I know I am overreacting and I know I will adjust. God help me when they leave home. I am going back to school next year, so that will help me stay busy while she is gone. I have the Two Vegan Girls project to invest myself in. I just know I will feel like I am missing a limb when my little sidekick is no longer here beside me, permanently. It will be okay... right?? :(

Being Brave

So I've been seeing a lot of tweets with the hashtag #OpEleanor recently, from my US tweeps. I was intrigued so I read more. Undomestic Diva started an Operation Eleanor campaign. Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as having said that we should do one scary thing every day. Take a risk. In fact the full quote seems to be -



Anyway, it's been interesting to read and watch people on twitter face some fears, or be brave, and tackle things they might not normally. It's a fabulous idea. This was in my mind yesterday when I heard back from the HDR Coordinator at Deakin regarding my potential PhD (see here). I am not a shoe-in, because my research unit wasn't a great mark. At the time I had a newborn, and Mum was doing chemo. It was all I could do just to finish it. But, I am going to go in and talk to her about it and see what she says. I can only try. That said, I am terrified of being approved. I don't know why this scares me so much. I guess because i know how much work would be in it, and I am worried I won't self motivate enough. This is a huge risk, a huge fear to face. ER would be proud!

She also said:



One smart woman, huh? I think I have me a new role model.

Stuff and other things

Brief update on moi. My operation was originally set for Nov 24, then they moved me to the 25th, and this week they moved me BACK to the 24th. Craziness. I hope I get my fasting and admission times correct after all this :) I have 18 days until the operation, and the diet is going okay. I've lost just over 3.5kg, but the food is becoming repetitive and boring. Still a way to go yet. I have moments of freak out over the operation, I just want to be on the other side of it, but mostly I am feeling good about it all.

Bit worried I am transferring my emotional eating to emotional shopping after this weeks Christmassy binge. I best keep an eye on that!

I took the kids to the 'zoon' on Saturday. Zoon is how RJ pronounces zoo, very cute. We had a great time, though it was a pretty hot day and by the time we got home, I was a touch sunburned. Naturally the kids had hats, I just didn't get one for myself! Typical! Here we are at the Orangutan enclosure, where we saw the cutest Mama and new baby Orangutans.



It feels like an exciting time for me. I am focused solely on myself and the kids, and I am excited for the future. My gorgeous friend, Nat, wrote this blog entry for me this week, which made me really centre on what is important. I am grateful that it helped me, and honoured that she sees me in such a beautiful way. I was accepted into a journalism post grad, but am yet to hear back regarding the PhD I was considering, so I am uncertain what I will be doing study-wise next year. Either way, I will be writing, getting thinner and healthier, and enjoying watching my children grow. It's a bright outlook. Brilliant.

Oh dear.

What was I thinking??? I just emailed the lecturer I had (and respected enormously) when I did my Masters unit. The creative and exegesis unit? Remember THIS? I emailed her and asked about doing a PhD. What was I thinking? I can't do that!!! I'd have to write a creative piece 80,000 words long. Not to mention an exegesis of 20,000.

Logically, as someone who actually wants to write books for a living some day, I have to kinda tackle this issue of length either way. This would motivate me to do so, right? RIGHT? And it's an opportunity to write on a topic of significance. But, the pressure I'd put myself under would be pretty hardcore. And I'd be committed to 3-6 YEARS of it. Again, WHAT WAS I THINKING? She will likely reply and say no anyway. Maybe. I can always change my mind before I sign on for keeps anyway.

So why am I panicking at having sent that email??? :/

Setting goals

Way back in 2008, before IVF brought me my darling RJ, I had some goals. I called it my post IVF dream-scape. I think it is time to revist those.

Travel remains a high priority. I have made progress on this, certainly, and intend to add Europe as soon as possible.

Writing also needs more work. I have progressed, but I need to commit to it regularly. Like a job, I can't just do it when the mood strikes (or it won't get done).

Returning to language lessons. this is still a strong desire. Italian, or French? Italian is my love (and likely my next travel destination) but Finn is learning French so that'd be cool, too. Thoughts?

Post grad study... I was doing teaching. I'm considering deferring for a bit whilst I decide what I want to do for sure.

Cameras - I have mums old DSLR which is pretty awesome. It has a crack on the lens, though, which in certain lights, puts a smudge on photos.

I could totally do the dark room thing in this house. There is a funny cupboard under the stairs that would be perfect, though it's not ventilated, I am certain it is workable. This is something to investigate ASAP. I would LOVE to develop photos of my own!

Added to this list is spending more time with the kids and with my friends. This makes me happy.

Where to start?

It's been a while since I blogged. A lot has happened. I went to America, I fell absolutely in love with New York City and had nowhere near enough time there. I enjoyed LA and I had a fabulous trip in general, but NYC was just head over heels love. I loved Broadway, and saw The Lion King which was brilliant. I loved 5th Avenue, I loved FAO Schwartz, I loved Central Park, I loved Times Square despite all the crushing people. There was so much more I wanted to do but didn't get time for, I'm so glad I decided to do that jaunt! Even the flight was interesting, flying over Colorado mountains and the Grand Canyon. It was really a good trip, and I came home planning to return, someday...

I was pretty homesick and missed the kids dreadfully, I got such a lovely welcome home from them though. So much love and cuddles. Beautiful.

The day after I got home, still jetlagged and out of it, we found my 15 year old and very first fur baby dead on the back deck. He was cold, and starting to stiffen, he'd been there a while. He was drooly and his bladder had emptied as well, so he was covered in ick, but I scooped his still body up and cried and held him anyway. He had been around since I was 18, since 1996, he was my baby. So many memories. He had such a personality. He would go nuts for eggs and - get this - low fat muffins. I don't know why but he LOVED those things and would stand on your head to get them! I was so grateful he had waited for me to get home before going. Seems silly, but a comforting thought anyway. I am sure that Hendrix will look after him. Losing two fur babies in one year has been really hard. Both were really special, and part of the family, they were pre kids, pre marriage... all my adult life. It has been tough. I miss them dreadfully. :(

I came home considering intermitting my uni studies as well. I'm not enjoying it, I feel at a point in life of readjustment. Like the world is my oyster and there for the taking... but how to do so? How do i want to? I want to travel more. I want to write... And I feel a strong need to just BE. To stop planning, stop controlling everything in my life and just roll with whatever comes my way. It's hard for a control freak to do that.

I have a writing idea simmering and I am excited about that, just waiting for it to develop itself into more than a vague rumination. it will come in time. I look forward to it. I want to use my spook...

Standing on a precipice

I have 2 weeks left. 2 weeks before life becomes a haze of chaos when I start the Master of Teaching with Deakin. Some of the materials arrived today for the English class. The teaching ones won't be far off. It looks like an interesting course, challenging, but achievable. I'm excited about it, but nervous too. It's been so long now since I was in the workforce, it will take some adjustment. This is why I kept studying all this time, it kept me in the loop and skilled up.

F started grade 2 this week, it seems only yesterday he was starting playgroup, clinging to me, desperately attached and bonded and still a baby, really. It should get easier, that first day, but I still shed a few tears on the drive home. God help me when I take 2 kids for a first day. RJ is starting playgroup at montessori shortly as well, though I will be with her. She started dance classes last week, and F is back at karate this coming week, so things are busy already. Adding study in to the mix is sure going to keep me on my toes.

I will finish my 2 weeks of remaining leisure up with palooza. Sure will be a way to go out with a bang! It's hard to balance being a mother, with being Kelly. But to me, it is so important to be more. I don't want to lose my own identity. I love being a mother, and it is a huge part of who I am, but it doesn't make all of me. I am still Kelly, and I still have my own interests and passions, my own goals and my own life. Going away with friends, studying, writing... This is why when I blog, I blog about all kinds of things. Sure, my kids make up a huge part of it, but I have to make sure I don't lose Kelly. Its crucial.

A friend of mine, Gayle, sent me a message today that totally made my day. She had been reading the blog of one of her favourite authors, and sent me the link saying that she felt I had a similar 'voice' and may enjoy her work. It was flattering and encouraging (and a new author is always gold!) I was thrilled when the first post I read by the author mentioned The Tea Party (think band not politics). Definitely some similarity there ;) It has inspired me to go back to my writing again, to keep plugging away at it, and exploring it. I am trying not to focus so much on the end goal of publication so much as just experimenting with works and enjoying the process. Bliss for its own sake.

Writing like a bandit

This morning, the children were out with their Dad, I had a quiet house all to myself. So, I put on some music, and typed. Boy did I type. I wish I had that happen more often. I added well over 3000 words to my wee book. It's coming along nicely, but it still reads as a summary, I need to immerse myself into the details and moments far more than I have so far. That said, it's giving it a lovely shape and outline to fill in. It makes my heart happy!

As I wrote, I thought about what writers put of themselves into stories. Events, personality traits, fears, whatever it may be. A part of my writing this morning was to re-live when Hendrix was put to sleep. I was feeling sad enough at the beginning, but by the time I got to the end, I was sobbing like a baby. I hope that when I leave parts of myself in my writing this way, that the reader truly feels them when they read. That would be the mark of good writing, and one I will always strive for. Emotion in writing is one of the most powerful things to experience, either as reader, or author.

Speaking of happy, my irregular offer from Deakin was already accepted, I can do teaching after all! Not sure as yet how to manage the placements, but I'll take each bridge as I get to it. It's exciting! Mums biopsy was straightforward, she gets an answer on Thursday, keep her in your thoughts until then?

Masters Hell

I am sure it exists, and I am well mired in it. The masters hell. Where sleepless students sit screaming in agony and endless reams of empty pages torment souls.

How overdue is my masters you ask? ONE ENTIRE YEAR LATE. I am so bloody grateful and lucky that my supervisor is an empathetic, kind person who understood the pregnancy/newborn havoc and has given me a final chance to get the sucker done.

I want this, I remind myself daily, I chose this, and remember the vision of claiming that degree at graduation, of holding a masters degree. I want this. So why am I blogging and not revising???

I have one final set of revisions to make, both to the fiction element and to the exegesis, the fiction reviews are not too bad actually, and ought to be complete by the days end, but the essay needs hours and hours of work and research still to be passable.

I want this done by months end, if I can get the fiction done today, then that leaves 11 days to complete the exegesis, surely that is more than achievable? Then christ please get me OFF here and back to work so that I may leave masters hell forever... Or at least for two years because I really think I am addicted to study.

Yes, I am a nerd; out and proud too!

34 weeks 1 day

Soooo sorry for my absence. I think its just plan lazy. my hard drive did fry though so I have lost a lot of stuff, personal and otherwise. (Kirsten, if you read this, I have lost the link to the writing thing, could you email me it please!?) Thank god I had just emailed my supervisor my latest draft of my masters thing, or that would have gone too. I still haven't finished. The fiction is getting close (though if I hear how cliched it is once more I am going to scream.. even though she is right!) but barely started the exegesis. I need to get cracking I know...

Pregnancy stuff is going well. Actually, its great, starting to waddle and feel sore and tired and so on but still enjoying it. Not sure how time has flown the way it has! Her room is ready and I am almost ready... now we wait! We had a 4d scan done - too cute. Will see if I have a pic...



Cute huh?!

Not much else going on, just plodding along with everything. its been a weird few months.

Oh dear.

How embarrassing. I always did hate science...

The post IVF dream-scape

Not that I am being negative, but I am beginning to think about life after IVF, this could be whether it is successful or not. I feel that having plans and dreams in the works will help when that time comes, particularly should it not be successful.

So, things I want to further pursue when I have my own time, money and resources back again:

* More writing, independent of uni deadlines - pure self motivation and determination!

* Consideration of still more post grad study (librarianship)

* Travel, starting within Australia, then heading abroad

* Return to Italian lessons

* Invest in good cameras both digital and film

* Create my own dark room and develop my own stuff - a lost art!


It is certainly a very rich life to envisage, an exciting one at that. I don't feel like giving up on the IVF at all, I am coping well and quite happy to see out our commitment of this year, but after that, I think I will be ready to move on and put all that behind us for good.

Oh so tired

I am exhausted. Emotionally drained! I have had a sick little boy for almost a week now, and we are all so over it. Nothing worse than him in tears because he is sick of being sick, poor love. Has missed 3 days of school now too and its the last week of term so thats shitful also. Admittedly at times like this I want to yank him out just to keep him well so the holidays are good timing in that sense.

Uni is going okay, I have 4 assignments left for the year (and grad dip will be mine!!!) - I have one in very early stages of info collecting, two half finished and one not even thought about. So not too bad really. Its just reviewing I have to think about now. Only received one mark back, so its a tense time not knowing how I am doing. It won't match last semesters marks, too much more is going on.

I am less motivated after only a 3 week or so break, as opposed to 3 months at years end, I had that tonislitis that knocked me out and have had Finn sick as well. Plus a bunch of other stuff to think about and so on, its just been hectic. No matter, so long as I pass. And I need at least a credit for Fiction to be able to do research to finish off a masters next year.

What else? Not a great deal. Just plodding along :)

Argghh!!

Officially freaking out.

I have 2-3 weeks worth of fiction exercises and life writing exercises to do, am supposed to start posting 1000w x 3 reviews in draft form, I have life writing due next week and then other stuff in the 2 weeks following and I am so behind.

I am juggling a sick child, school runs, uni, family stuff, household chores and now I have tonsilitis and I only ever get that when am badly run down and stressed. I could cry!! I am freaking out.

Mum was going to come down tomorrow and take Finn for the day, but she can't, because SIL is in hospital with high BP and just a few days left til having her baby - another stress for me in itself.

I am tired and achey and just want to sleep but have so much to do. J - bless him - has offered to pay to get a cleaner in once a week or fortnight which would be a godsend. So whilst I have been sitting here with sick boy, and too sick to concentrate and spending too much time on Facebook, I thought I might as well do something useful, so have started researching and tracing my family tree. It is so very interesting. More on that next time, must make a start on at least one review draft. :(

Pardon my fainéance

And admittedly, I did look to the thesaurus for that word. To save you hunting, it means I am: n. An irresponsible idler; a sluggard. Fairly accurate wouldn't you say?!

Anyhoo, so where have I been? Nowhere, really. Completely lacking in motivation and with naught to report is all. I am slowly slipping behind in weekly tasks for uni also, and need desperately to catch up but just don't seem to have the time when I DO feel like it, or the inclination when I have the time. This is not good. I did do an exercise for travel, and finished the assignment for same. I have an assignment due each week now for a few weeks and also need to be posting drafts for others. It is a tad stressful to say the least.

Yesterday I became godmother to precious baby Jack, which was pretty cool. It was a good day, and Megs outdid herself in all the finer details (cake, little gingerbread in the letters JACK to take home, she made the gown even, for goodness sake!) One very clever cookie that girl.

So, have I written anything? Not a sausage. Second semester is painful, the difference between 3 months and 3 weeks break I guess. I haven't even started any of the creative pieces for this semester. Sensing a touch of panic? Me too. Need to get these next three assignments out of the way. I swear I will work this week. At LEAST one assignment finished. Promise. Mostly.

And still this entry is scattered! Hopeless!

Master of the Universe!

I was rather excited to discover that the units I have decided on to finish my masters next year, are all available first semester. Initially, I thought I would need to spread the final 4 units over the entire year to be able to do units I wanted to actually do!

So, its all very exciting, though it will be a hectic semester. I am going to do research and reflection (explores the role of research in communications/arts field); an internship (no idea where yet) and a double weighted unit of a research project; which will basically be a creative piece and a related exegesis.

So this time next year, I will be a master of the universe! woot! All rather exciting, really. In the meantime I really need to get bloody writing on assignments that are due in 3 and a bit weeks. Fark.

Fic B week 2 exercises

Prompt: Skin…
Sensual and supple, soft and the power of touch so underestimated.
Skin against skin, the closest we can be. Wanting to be united, but
constrained to this touch.

Summarised: Warm. Powerful.

These ARE themes I am keen to write on. Or perhaps more what I want
my writing to be?



Ecphrasis
Jen looked out across the lake, she wanted to dive in, never to
resurface. It was so still, and so welcoming. She waded in, and
gasped at the cold, but forced herself forward. She turned her face
to the sky then fell backwards, the water catching her in a cold
embrace. She floated, staring at the sky, swirling her arms lazily to
keep her from submerging completely, but toying with the idea,
indecisive.

Summarised: An obsession with death.



What image comes to mind to write on now?
A teenage girl, on her back, in a bath, being held under the water by
a person who is ranting, violent, and psychotic. Her hair is spread
out in that strange floaty way, but she is not struggling against her
attacker. Her eyes are open.




Had some good feedback on them already, so that's encouraging. Why do I write violence and a sense of unease well? I always feel far happier with something like the above than I do when I try to write humour, romance or anything else.

This weeks uni catch up

Have to get my thoughts in order, bear with me, or skim over!! This will hopefully help me feel I am not as out of control as I feel.

Fiction B - week one notes complete, reading and writing journal started; week 2 notes out this week. Have started creative piece.

Life Writing - week one notes complete online, no record yet. Read Student Chronicles, would like to try and read Balanda also if time permits. Have to read 2 travel books first as both assignments due end Aug. Think about concepts of identity and self and memories etc relating to the memoir. Week 2 notes out wed night. Throwing ideas around re: creative piece.

Reviewing - week one task to map review sites. Have bookmarked several aussie sites under food, film and literature. No american, british yet. Needed? Week 2 task is to read first 2 readings and compare the opinions of reviewing role and of Peter Craven. Also to find a review thats strongly positioned in terms of reviews position in relation to readers. Do today. Wonder what assessment things are for this unit. I cannot remember at all! Note to self: Find that out. Not due til mid sep and end oct. She be right!

Travel - week one task was to read 3 pieces and discuss what makes good writing and what doesn't. Week 2 involves reading 5 readings and discussing how various techniques convey a sense of place and distinguishing myth and reality. This unit has a pack of intellectual wannabees using big words and generally annoying me with their desire to appear to be knowledgeable. This unit is going to piss me of as a result. There are so many fuckwits in postgrad, honestly, and this unit has most of them. Must read 2 of the texts for the assignment due in 5 weeks -ish at the same time as LW assignment is due. Look to borrow something less pretentious than Theroux. If possible..


Create folders on desktop, notes are mixing up. Sorry for the boring entry, my brain was going in circles, now I have direction. Cheers!

Bloody Hell!!!!!

How is this for worrying!?!?

My results were out today, the sms came through just after 530pm.

Erm. It says I failed Editing!!! 34, Fail. It says!!! I checked online at 6pm, same deal. Wtf?!!?! I emailed my lecturer and said given I got credits and distinctions for all my assignments, what the?! I am sure it is wrong, but still I can't help think, god did I miss an entire assessment piece or!?!? Bah! Not happy!!!

That aside, I did well for the rest! Ds and HDs. Woot! Thrilled to bits with that. Given its postgrad, full time and I have a child home with me all but a few hours a week - I rock!! Very happy.

Just fix the grade already! Argh!!