I miss you

5 years today. I cannot believe it's been that long since we lost you. Dude, that's awful. I am now older than you ever were :(

I never forget you. I think about you often. Sort of weird that today is the anniversary of your death, a guy I always considered to be my big bro, and today I happened to argue so terribly with my actual younger brother that I don't ever want to speak to him again. Weird that. Makes me miss you more.

RIP, mate xx

Destructive relationships

Have you ever been in a destructive relationship? Maybe with a friend, a parent, or a partner? I'd like to hear from you if you have.

For the past 2 years, I've been in an on again off again 'thing' with a guy in America. Many of you will know this. He's not abusive, yet he has a power to manipulate and hurt me, more than anything. Somehow, he has access to the most vulnerable parts of me, and when he hurts me, it's devastating and I feel so incredibly low, and broken. I need to cut him off, and let go for good, but it hurts so terribly.

Realistically, he'll never change. Never get here. Never make me worth the effort. I've spent so much time, far too much money, and so much heart on him - and his children. It's tough to lose the friendship, too. He was often my go-to for everything. That he has hurt me so badly, again... I have to stop this. I can't keep on in this cycle. He is not good for me. I cut him off social networks, changed my email, deleted his number. Ugh. Grief. My 3yo asks about him, adores him. He ditched her, too :(

It's scary. I'm a mess. It'll get better... right?

Farewell, shitty October.

How's your week going? This week has been a painful one for me. I was supposed to have a special visitor this week, it was going to be a perfect trip, and it fell apart. It's painful. today I feel that awful sort of tired/worn/flat/ache grief thing. Heartbreak is really, truly, awful. I don't think I will take the risk of offering up my heart again. It's not worth the pain. It all comes back to that bullshit saying - "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Bull. Shit. I so disagree with that saying. I would rather shut my heart off and protect it, than to be hurt again. Just not interested.

That aside, the diet is going well, food is boring, but I am not starving. My stomach is improving and getting better, and the kids are happy. I took them to a Halloween party thrown by a family at school (an annual event) which was fantastic. They live in a gorgeous property up on the mountain. They had a jumping castle, laser light disco and plenty of food and drink. It was incredibly generous and all the dress ups (kids and adults alike) were a lot of fun. Finn is still recovering from some serious exhaustion over the last week or so, so we didn't stay too long but we had a good time.

Hoping this month is a thousand times better than last. Cheers.

Happy Fathers Day

Today is fathers day. I've done my best to make sure the kids Dad was spoiled and looked after, not sure if I succeeded or not, though.

It's been a while since I last blogged. A lot has happened.

On Monday night, I went to see Anberlin in concert. It was a 26 song set. HUGE. Such a freaking awesome show, really enjoyed myself, loved it. I wanted to go again! What's great is they recorded a DVD at the show so I'll be able to experience it again and again in time!

Mum watched the kids, she seemed fine, maybe slightly distracted. There is no way in hell I'd have guessed she was told that morning that her cancer was back. No way. And stupid me waffled on about it being her 2 year cancer free anniversary. Facepalm. I am retelling this casually, because as it turns out, her cancer is NOT back. How can such a mistake be made? What happened was that she found another breast lump and went to the oncologist who ordered a biopsy, bone scan and CAT scan, and told her the cancer was back and she would need to make an appointment with the surgeon for a mastectomy. She mentioned this to NO ONE. Not even my Dad until the next night. She was certain this was it, and her number was up. How utterly terrifying. The oncologist seems to have assumed her lump was the cancer returning. What the hell?? It was not until THURSDAY, that's a whole 4 days later, that she went to see the surgeon who looked at the biopsy results and could see NO SIGNS OF CANCER. Her bone and CAT scans were also clear. He believed the lump was a blood blistery thing but wants to open it up and check to make sure. But no, its NOT cancer. I had been trying to call her Thursday morning and been unable to get on to her. I was immediately worried, as I knew she was having the scan (I assumed it was part of the end of 2 years cancer free deal), and was worried she had had bad news. Anyway, I finally got hold of her and she said "I was told on Monday my cancer was back and I've only just found out it's not. I'm a blithering mess. Can I call you back soon?" I calmly and reassuringly said of course, no problem, all good. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. It was such a fright, even knowing it wasn't so. I know she didn't mention it in order to protect me, but I wish she hadn't carried it alone too.

Anyway, its taking her some time to get over the shock and fear. I honestly cannot imagine what that must have been like for her. Hell. Absolute hell. I could kick that oncologist fair in the shins. I am encouraging her to write a letter of complaint, not for any outcome than to feel shes worth standing up for and saying "hey, this was NOT okay to put me through." It took me a day or so to get over my own tears and wobbliness of it, I imagine it will take her some time yet.

On that same Thursday, I went to see my doctor about my holter monitor results, and was told they were not yet back. She called the place that reviews them and asked for it to be made priority and said she would call me that afternoon - or 2 days later as she had a day off. I just wanted an answer :(

I called on Friday and the nurse said she couldn't tell me as she wasn't qualified too - which only worried me more. Agai with my fear taking hold. I really am unsure how to work on it. Anyway, at 9am Saturday morning when I was half way through my 7km walk, my doctor called to tell me that I am okay. I have what is called ectopic beats. Apparently 20% of the population have them, the heart beats an extra beat and its made worse by things like stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, caffeine etc. No treatment is required and they are harmless. I was relieved. Whilst they are unpleasant to experience, at least I don't need to be worried by them. It's a huge relief.

So that catches you up on my week. It was a doozy. I really hope this week is far more boring. Boring is good.

Grief came knocking today.

Grief came knocking today. I greeted him like the old friend he is. We've known one another for so many years now. Most always in his less common forms.
A loss is a loss. And grief comes knocking. He just sits. Weighs down my chest, puts the ache in my heart. The pain in my eyes. I know he wants to stay as much as I want him to leave.
That awful dull feeling he brings never gets easier. Sadness in it's most pure and basic form. Hooks dig deep in and he makes himself comfortable as my stomach churns at his proximity. This kind of grief only comes when you reach acceptance. that's why he's so painful to bear.
Grief came knocking today.

Writing like a bandit

This morning, the children were out with their Dad, I had a quiet house all to myself. So, I put on some music, and typed. Boy did I type. I wish I had that happen more often. I added well over 3000 words to my wee book. It's coming along nicely, but it still reads as a summary, I need to immerse myself into the details and moments far more than I have so far. That said, it's giving it a lovely shape and outline to fill in. It makes my heart happy!

As I wrote, I thought about what writers put of themselves into stories. Events, personality traits, fears, whatever it may be. A part of my writing this morning was to re-live when Hendrix was put to sleep. I was feeling sad enough at the beginning, but by the time I got to the end, I was sobbing like a baby. I hope that when I leave parts of myself in my writing this way, that the reader truly feels them when they read. That would be the mark of good writing, and one I will always strive for. Emotion in writing is one of the most powerful things to experience, either as reader, or author.

Speaking of happy, my irregular offer from Deakin was already accepted, I can do teaching after all! Not sure as yet how to manage the placements, but I'll take each bridge as I get to it. It's exciting! Mums biopsy was straightforward, she gets an answer on Thursday, keep her in your thoughts until then?

My boy is home...

Sadface.

R.I.P. My darling boy

This morning, my beautiful Henry, was put to sleep. I read this poem yesterday, and spent most of the day crying. I am going to miss him so much. It aches, so terribly.


Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...



R.I.P. Hendrix 1995-2010
I miss you already, my beautiful, loyal, nuppy. Thank you for your comfort, love, and loyalty over eleven long years. You were one in a million, mate. I love you.

You all should know...

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too
busy to give you any time.
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than an poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no
prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
THEN, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

Author Unknown

Saying Goodbye

How do you say goodbye to your best friend?? The little furry baby that has been part of your life, and a great deal of your heart for over 11 years?

My darling Hendrix, ran away over the long weekend. Thankfully, he was picked up by a vet, the end result was a conversation I had been planning to schedule with a vet in the next few months, but it was thrust upon me before I was ready. And she told me what I didn't want to hear. What I knew i would hear, but didn't want to.

It's time.

Hendrix is 14. He has all kinds of old dog problems. He has a heart murmur, dodgy lumps, losing weight, bad teeth... And he has been getting steadily worse. We needed a professional opinion about what was best for him. And today, I got it.

It's time.

I remember the day we found him wandering about our front yard in Warrnambool. It was December 13th, 1998. Josh's birthday and I was having an afternoon nanna nap. I had wanted a dog for some time, but was still umming and ahhing over committing to it. Hendrix decided for me. I woke up to J coming into the room, carrying this sweet, white, fluffball. I thought I was dreaming! I was so excited! He was so lovely. We kept him that weekend, he had a tag so on Monday morning, i called the council to find his owner. "A dalmation is it?" she asked. "er, no!" I replied looking at the little white ball of fluff at my feet. "Are you sure?!" She asked me. "Quite!" I answered, laughing, and described him. She called me back later, the owner had found him, and was looking for a home for him. She had put one of her dogs old tags on him in the meantime. I hung up and looked at Josh. "I WANT HIM!!!" I said, bursting into tears. We called her back and explained we were going away for Christmas, but could she PLEASE hold onto him for us until we returned from interstate. She agreed. Yay! She had found him roaming the countryside near Mortlake, matted fur, injured, hungry. A vet had fixed him up and groomed him, and he was about 3 years old, they guessed, though his teeth were fairly poor condition and at first made them think he was even older.

And he has been with me ever since. For everything. He was my baby before I had babies. Slept on my bed at night, took him for beach walks and to my parents farm visiting. When J and I separated the first time, and I was alone, and pregnant, and terrified - he was there every night, all night, to comfort me. He would nuzzle in when I cried, guard me, in a sense. He was there and graciously accepted the demotion when Finn was born, and again with RJ, never acting hurt or resentful. Gentle with the babies, loyal to the end.

He's been there for 5 house moves, he has escaped at least half a dozen times, but his tag always bought him home (except this last time). He has been, without a doubt, my best mate for a long time. I can't imagine how much I will miss hearing the click clack of his nails on the floor. Or feeling his warmth leaning against my legs for a cuddle. Even hearing that incessant yap yap yapping that drives me nuts! :)

I am glad that at least we can have a chance to say goodbye. To spend the next 4 days feeding him gourmet meat and scratching him behind the ears like he loves, for hours at a time. At 1130am on Saturday, I will be with him, at the vets. I will be there holding him, stroking him, and making sure that the last thing he hears, will be me saying "thank you" and "I love you."

So heartbroken. I love you HennyPen. Twosance. Nuisance. You-ey. Louise. Louie. Unnawee. Pendrix. Henry. Hendrix. Thank you for all the joy you bought to our family. You will be in my heart, always, mate.

You never stop missing them...

People you love, that you lose. It never gets easier. Every so often, I dream about him, or I talk to someone about him, and I miss him, still. I know it is a stupid thing to say, an obvious thing, but I wish he had never died. I still get sad. Almost 3 years later now, and I still get sad when I think of him, when I think of the funeral, of the burial.

No point to this, other than to just mention that I'm thinking of you, W. Miss you.

Grief is a bitch.

I hate grief. With no "obvious" loss, I often fight it, because I refuse to understand that you can grieve for losses other than death. Does it scare you that I was a social worker and supervisor of 70 counsellors, for many years, too? I know these things, logically, yet I fight it.

Ever tried to fight grief? Not a smart move. Grief is coming, whether you acknowledge it and deal with it, or not. The peril of ignoring it is that it will hit harder. More impact, more force, more hell. The dilemma, with keeping your head in the sand for months on end, is that with other life stressors in the mix, you may find yourself tipped over the edge by something minute, and suddenly there is a black hole you can't get out of.

I have spent the last 10 months with my head firmly planted in the sand. I could not look acknowledge that my best friend and mum, had cancer. Was going through chemo. The fears that it will come back, that this all even happened, the emotions have been far too big to process. When they started, the depth would terrify me and I would shut them down. You can imagine that when you build a dam like that, the crack and outpour is always going to be inevitable, and far more destructive than an orderly stream.

So, I guess it all caught up. I've had 3 (interrupted) hours of sleep and I have cried myself inside out and back again. I have faced that demon, I've spent those hours in the blackest of hell, and the darkest of grief, and, thanks to a couple of understanding, forgiving and kind friends, I'm up again (Thank you Megs & Phil). I am beyond exhausted. I feel like sleeping for at least a week.

The upside is that from now on, it can only get better from here. Right???

Thinking

Of you 2 years on my friend.

I dreamed about you the other night. Man I have weird dreams!!! I dreamed that you had just died, and that we came to say goodbye to your body. You for some weird reason, resembled a baby, and not yourself, so I felt weird but pretended anyway and said bye. When I said "I am surprised you haven't punched me in the arm" (as you always did!) the baby did it and it was so you, and then I saw your face, normal and smiling and I hugged you for real, and said "I am so going to miss you, I never see you anymore, but man I am going to miss you" and then that was it, you were gone, and you turned into a puff of empty silk, and blew away.

I think my subconscious knew your anniversary was near, before my conscious registered the date. I still think about you lots. RIP, W. xx

12 months

Passes very quickly. Cannot believe today is 12 months since my friend died. Still think about him often and miss him. Wherever you are, I hope theres peace.

Bit of a ramble

Today I seem to be thinking a lot of the friend I lost recently. It has been almost 3 months now, the first month was weird and sad, then things improved a bit and today I feel sad again. Its because I had another dream about him last night. Just after he died, I had two really weird dreams about him. He had come to spend time with me/us (my sister and mum too) and always had to "return" to death I guess? at the end of the dream. The second one we just sort of hung out and chatted and spent time together. It was so good, because we had not done that in years which made the way I felt about losing him weird. I felt like I shouldn't be grieving someone I had not spent time with in a number of years. I felt stupid for it. But, he was someone I admired and respected a lot (again snort at my choice of words because our initial relationship was based on hatred!!)

Argh. this really is a ramble. All out of order!

When we first met, he and his brother and mates used to give me a hard time at school and i HATED them. Then when I was about 16, my sister became good friends with him, and I came home from school to find this bully in my house. Imagine how that went down!!! But god, he not only made up for it, he went the other direction. I remember he wrote me a long apology letter, and during my final couple of years of high school, he was like an older brother to me, at the same parties etc. Stirring me, but in a good natured way, and looking out for me.

Anyway, given I moved away after high school, I didn't see him much, but my sister did, and Mum was friends with his Mum, and often updated me on his latest. I was always interested in hearing about him, I cared about him. He was a cheeky bugger, funny, and a bit of a ratbag. I really did think of him as an older brother figure. Anyway in that second dream I had not long after the funeral where we spent time together I thanked him in the dream, for taking the time to do that for me, and said it had meant a lot to me and he said he was privileged to be able to do it. I dunno what that means, after life privileges?! I don't even believe in an afterlife, so it was weird. But comforting, and sad too. Because I missed him more.

Last night I had another dream, nothing much different. Less poignant, more normal. But today, I miss him again. And I just wanted to ramble a bit, and think about him, and remember him. :(

Frankly...

Today sucked.

It's snowing!

Isn't it pretty? I've not ever really seen snowfall before. I know it gets cold where we live, this is our first winter here, but snow is exceptional still. Just gorgeous. Finn is back at pre-school this morning, term 3 has begun. I hope they are looking at it too.

I feel very flat. Funeral is Thursday afternoon and I had to really press J to take the afternoon off to watch Finn - he is at too vulnerable an age to come with me, I feel - and J agrees. Of course, my family will all be there, so it has to be J who watches him. J has work, but hopefully he can still get away.. sigh. Not like I WANT to go to a funeral. I am dreading it. I don't want to go to be honest. I know that is really awful of me, but I hate funerals. They freak me out. I know I am going to end up an anxious, panic attacking mess, but its important to me to go too. My brother and sister are going, we will go together. Mum will probably be with the family, given she is his mothers closest friend. I helped Mum put a notice in the paper for us, we went with simple about him sharing a tin with his best friend, who killed himself some years ago. Ugh. Its not fair. Life is shitty when it comes to death (ironic statement huh?)

Anyway. I don't know.

Sorted

Hi Kelly,
I have looked at my spreadsheet, and it definitely says 66 C for your grade, so I really don't know where the 34 came from. I'm terribly sorry that Deakin caused you such stress over the weekend (and a little worried about the results of others!). I've just filled in an 'Amendment to Result' sheet.
[Lecturer's Name]

Phew. Thank goodness, naughty Deakin! It was my worst unit so I was a little concerned! That sorted, I can get reading underway for semester 2. 1 down 8 to go. Oh, wait, I added another, "Reading autobiography: A guide for interpreting Life Narratives by Smith & Watson" - so 1 down, 9 to go. So why am I sitting here? Not in the mood for reading, thought its probably a good distraction. I find it interesting (?) that sometimes you give and give of yourself when people need you, then as soon as you could do with an ear, theres no one about (or they still talk about themselves and their issues). Why is it so??? No matter, such is life I guess. Luckily I do have a shoulder or two to use, I'll get by.

I want to curl up and cry and cry

Infertility stuff. When people don't get it they can be cruel and they can be arrogant.

It still hurts, theres so much pain, so much frustration. I want to get people and slap them and MAKE them understand. I know it takes a stretch to 'get it' but fuck sake. I admire people who can express grief that is pretty (thats Megs for that word, thats it exactly) - good for them. I can't, its not a conscious decision, its just how it erupts, and because of that - I am shunned and attacked and ignored because people get defensive at my anger.

People, in general, are mostly selfish and superficial I have decided. What keeps me sane is the other infert girls, and the bunch of women - not infertile - but who GET IT and who accept me flaws and all, and love me anyway. I love those women, they won't ever know just how much they saved this one little person... I wish I could thank them properly, because without them... I just don't know.

Here's a hornets nest for you...

The topic of termination/abortion. Its a doozy, wouldn't you agree?

I swing all over the place on it. I have friends who have had to make that choice, and I don't think less of them for it, of course I don't. How can I know til I am in those shoes right? Finns conception was not ideal... J and I had split, I had a job and a plane ticket and was outta here... But the thought of not having my little man about... far out. The world would miss out.

Because of my infertility, though, it becomes REALLY hard. I see my closest friends go through hell, IVF after IVF, invasive procedures, hospitalised and in agony with over stimmed ovaries and stuff... friends who cannot conceive and cannot afford to try any longer so have to accept a childless or imperfect family make up.... people who have beautiful hearts and would make amazing parents... Would give a limb to be able to have what others terminate.

I don't begrudge people in awful choice-less (or all but) circumstances that option, not at all. But some use it when "oops, withdrawal method not so reliable.." well no shit. Or "oops, can't really afford a plasma AND a baby so.." that to me is wrong. Thats a life with hopes and dreams and who could give so much to the world... I struggle.

I don't express pain well. Geez that has been told to me a few times. I am too angry apparently. Some people, when they feel pain, will cry or will tell people they are crying or desperate or upset. Other people like this, because they enjoy the role of comforter. They like that its "easy" to address or help. They're selfish in their giving comfort, they like what they can handle, mostly.

I don't do that. I get angry. I lash out and I swear and rant and rave. People don't like that, and they don't realise it is an expression of pain, they see it as someone who is being mean or nasty or whatever. They can't step outside their square - and even when directly told, they still say nope, not worthy of my concern, doesn't fit my criteria. Too angry. Can't handle that one! So, should I not say anything, at all, and bottle my grief, or do I let it out in the only way I know how?

And if I do, does that make me evil? Bitter, sure, I accept that. But a horrible person with blatant disregard and immaturity? I don't think thats fair.