For you

http://youtu.be/NPcyTyilmYY

"You Oughta Know"

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

'cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

'cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

'cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

Well, I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Sorry

Edenland started a powerful blog link this week. I've found myself really overwhelmed by the emotion in these posts. They're filled with pain and heart, and they are amazing to read. I wanted to join. I've felt overwhelmed by it. I'll try. I expect to need a box of tissues by the time I finish. :/

I'm sorry I was never enough to make you proud. I'm sorry that my best efforts failed. I'm sorry that I have disappointed you and let you down, over and over. I'm sorry that I have not been someone you can love, totally.

I'm sorry I am not social enough. I'm sorry this effects you. I'm sorry you are not confident and that no matter how I try, I can't make you see the awesome you are. I'm sorry you feel things so deeply and experience the same anxiety I always have. I'm sorry I don't hug you more.

I'm sorry I didn't wait longer. Give more. I'm sorry I didn't love less conditionally. I'm sorry I let go. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm sorry you can't see what I see when I look at you. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you, or take away your fears. I tried so hard. I wanted to, so much. I'm so sorry we failed. I'm sorry I don't have courage. I'm sorry I am so insecure. I'm sorry I'm not prettier, thinner, smarter. I'm so, so, sorry I hurt you.

Destructive relationships

Have you ever been in a destructive relationship? Maybe with a friend, a parent, or a partner? I'd like to hear from you if you have.

For the past 2 years, I've been in an on again off again 'thing' with a guy in America. Many of you will know this. He's not abusive, yet he has a power to manipulate and hurt me, more than anything. Somehow, he has access to the most vulnerable parts of me, and when he hurts me, it's devastating and I feel so incredibly low, and broken. I need to cut him off, and let go for good, but it hurts so terribly.

Realistically, he'll never change. Never get here. Never make me worth the effort. I've spent so much time, far too much money, and so much heart on him - and his children. It's tough to lose the friendship, too. He was often my go-to for everything. That he has hurt me so badly, again... I have to stop this. I can't keep on in this cycle. He is not good for me. I cut him off social networks, changed my email, deleted his number. Ugh. Grief. My 3yo asks about him, adores him. He ditched her, too :(

It's scary. I'm a mess. It'll get better... right?

Why I despise The Biggest Loser

''I can't watch these shows because I find them offensive, ghoulish, cruel and demeaning''

Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/fats-entertainment-and-were-the-biggest-loser-20120211-1sy4z.html#ixzz1mE1ZB7p9

I wanted to share an article today, that has left me really thinking. I agree with the writer completely. I don't find it entertaining. Maybe if I were thin and had been all my life, and had no identification with it, I might feel differently. But having lived this life, having felt desperate enough to do something major about it, I get this. It makes me sad. I've not looked at the emotions in my weight and weight loss stuff yet. I'm almost 25kg down and it's noticeable, but I haven't examined how it makes me feel, really.

I'm guessing the contestants on shows like The Biggest Loser are desperate too. To go on TV and literally bear all like that... I couldn't have done it. Before I ever heard of surgery, I'm not sure there were many more options - I applied to one of the early seasons. I was hope-less. I didn't want to go on the show but I wanted to stop the spiral of bad health I was falling into. Surgery is not an easy option either. It's far harder than I anticipated, but I had to do something urgently. I would have died far earlier than I am likely to now. I would have had less chance of seeing any grandchildren. I was beginning to experience some serious health issues as it was, and it would only get worse as my weight increased every single year.

It makes my heart hurt to think of what we do to these people in the name of entertainment. It's not entertainment to fuck with peoples pain. And weight you are not comfortable with, is pain. It's not funny to taunt and tease them with bad foods. It's not fun to watch them struggle about in mud, pain on their faces, wobbly skin falling about. It's horrible.

If I stop now, and look at my emotions, this makes me feel sick and it makes me feel really, really, sad. My weight was/is something that I despise about myself. It made me absolutely drip with self hatred. And hatred is a very strong and powerful word. It made me think I deserved to keep eating until I slowly killed myself. That's awful. That's really, really, awful. What a horrible way to feel about yourself. I'm not even a bad person! Making the decision to have serious, irreversible surgery on my stomach was hard and scary. Not being able to eat how I used to is taking a lot of getting used to, and has resulted in some painful mistakes. But I know that, unlike those contestants, I can't ever gain it back. And I've been able to maintain some dignity in losing it. I now look at myself in the mirror, and rather than hatred, I see hope. Rather than repulsion, I see a me I like. I feel like my outside is starting to match my inside. I like me. And that is an enormous emotional leap.

I have friends that watch the show, and I don't want anyone to think I think less of them for doing so. I don't at all. I'm only telling it from my perspective, from someone who was morbidly obese. Who could qualify for that show in an instant. I'm not a bit overweight. I was not a heavy girl. I was huge. With 25kg gone, I could still get on the show. I've a long way to go, but it's hard enough doing it with supportive friends and family around. Exposing myself to the judgement of a nation, wearing unflattering clothes on animal scales and throwing dignity away with it... I might as well give up any hope of being able to respect myself now were that my future.

And maybe that's what's key here.