Controversial? Yeah, probably. Any time I read an article or something about it, there are loads of comments where people say fat people just need to exercise and eat less. Funny, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT :/ I wish it were that easy, really I do. Being overweight isn't something people tend to enjoy. Often it goes hand in hand with self hatred or self consciousness, and even if one manages to find an acceptance and love of themselves with "extra" weight, they're still subject to a society that ridicules, denigrates and abuses them. So, let me tell you, if it was so easy, if we could all just stop eating and exercise, we would. There are lots of reasons it's not and I won't get into them because I don't think I could cover them all, ever.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about surgery. It's pretty much a last resort for those that decide to go ahead with it. Whether its a lap band, a gastric sleeve or a gastric bypass, there's risk. It's a major operation and every major operation comes with a risk. It's what put me off for years, I was terrified that the risk of surgery was too great. Surgery on an overweight person already increases risk, ya know? But someone once said that your weight is rarely the same on a 12 month anniversary, and mine was only ever greater. I got heart palpitations and had to wear a holter monitor (they were harmless but I was terrified it was weight related), I got terrible reflux that was agony, and I ended up having all sort of investigations to try to resolve it... It was weight related. I realised things were only ever going to get worse for me. I hated my reflection, I hated my body, I was scared I would die young and not see my children grow up. I had to do something, I was desperate. Absolutely desperate and terrified.
Now, I still have to shake my head and ask myself, 'did I really have my stomach chopped out?!' It blows my mind that I was so extreme, that I had to be. I feel disappointed that it came to that, but grateful I had the option. The option to essentially save my life. My confidence, my self esteem. All these things were saved. I am currently 9 months out from my gastric sleeve operation and I have lost 37kg. Imagine how much lighter my body must feel to carry around every day. Have you ever lifted 37kg? I encourage you to do so. I paid for the operation upfront. $15,000 that happened to come our way and could have been used for a home, for debt reduction, for so many better things. I still feel guilt about it. But, it's a second chance at life. And I feel like I am really living now. I feel like suddenly, I have a future that I never saw before, that I never truly believed I would get the chance to see, and now I do. I cannot tell you how powerful that is. I am so grateful to J who gave me the money to do this, and sacrificed his own dreams to let me live. It's not something I can ever fully express gratitude for. Such an incredible gift to be given in so many ways.
It's hard not to compare my loss to others who have had the same operation and are faring so much better, but I am trying to focus on my own journey, and for me, it's a big deal and a massive improvement. So maybe surgery is controversial, but for me it was the only way I could have done this. I have not a single doubt in my mind about that, because I see how much I still struggle not to overeat, to exercise, to change the mind as well as the body. It's hard, really hard, but it was the only way I could save my life. Drastic, not the easy way out by any means, but grateful that I could do it. It's time to shine not only an awesome Kell on the world, but an awesome confident Kell. Bring that on.
