I am not who I was, any longer.

The last 5 years I have been through the sort of changes most people might go through over a decade or more. It has been seriously intense and as it dawns on me just how much I have changed, I feel this weird mixture of excitement and fear.

5 years ago I was about to fall pregnant with my second child, I weighed a LOT, I was married (albeit unhappily), and Mum was beginning her cancer battle. Now I am 40 kilograms lighter, my second child is off to kinder, I am separated, Mum is well, and I am a vegan. We could be two different people. For 10 years I have been a full time mum, and letting that go and knowing this is it, is a scary feeling. What do I do with myself now??? Sure they still need me and will for a time yet, but it's not the same, independence has begun. I am the most alone I have ever been. In lots of ways. Friends are heading in different directions with pregnancies, babies, houses... I am sort of out here in the wilderness.

I see this as an exciting time, but it is unsettling and nerve wracking as well. There is a part of me that has a desperate urge to disappear for a bit. All these changes, the failed dating, the confused mind, the emotional weight of my babe heading out into the world - it's exhausted me. I have this need to shut down, switch off and hide in my cave for a while. Of course practically that's pretty much impossible.

What I have done, is book myself a night away. Just one night, but at least it's something. Some space, some time out. As an introvert, I recharge by being alone. I am never really alone for long, though I guess with real kinder hours beginning next week I will get some time. Everything feels chaotic, like a whirl of thoughts I can't quite grasp, unsettled and unstable. It's intense. I don't quite know how to handle it.

End ramble.

Heart

I've been slack blogger lately. Mostly because I've had an awesome time setting up the Two Vegan Girls site with my dear friend, Vik. It's pretty awesome, I am excited about it and where it might go. We've also been busy writing and coupled with school holidays and the usual stuff, life's been a bit busier.

So, time to shift focus again. To be strong. To try and hang in there. Forget the heart and lead with the head for a bit. Concentrate on 2VG, on uni starting in a month or so, and on meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone more often. I feel like I am on the verge of a major life shift. I can choose to go with it, fear and all and see what wonder it brings, or I can stay safe in my familiar though stunted current life. I know which I have to choose, I hope I can find the courage and motivation to embrace it.

It'll be okay.

Farewell 2012

It seems like only yesterday I was reflecting on 2011. This year has gone super fast. It was a busy one, that's for sure.

I've lost another 27 kilograms (60 pounds) this year, a total of 40kg (88p) since my surgery. It feels amazing. I still have a belly I need to lose which will take exercise. Exercise is still my nemesis, and a psychological block exists there that needs to be broken down. Still, I've lost an entire Finn, so to give him a piggy back and realise I used to carry that all day everyday is a pretty awesome comparison. My body is under so much less stress now and there is no question I have prolonged my life by doing this. It makes it easier when food gives me grief or I am having a rough eating day.

This time 12 months ago I had long hair, 1 tattoo, no piercings other than my ears, and I weighed 27kg more. Now I have shorter hair, 2 tattoos and a nose piercing, and am lighter. I feel every day I become truer to who I am and how I express that. It's an amazing feeling.

In 2012 I worked bloody hard at self esteem and self worth. Damn hard. SO hard. I came a very long way. So many things rattled me as I was vulnerable to them but I forged ahead. Again I have a way to go but comparing now to 12 months ago I have come so far it blows my mind. I no longer have a deep seated self hatred and disgust at who I am. I like me - inside and out. And that's a massive change. Next comes self love?

I made and lost friends in 2012 and while each loss shook me (and said esteem) and rattled me and caused me to question myself, each one also cemented who I am and the reflection and self doubt led to more certainty and awareness of myself, and can only be a good thing. The friends I have are not just friends. They are ones I'd trust my life to. They are the real deal. They are more like family. I am so incredibly lucky to have them and it's something I try never to take for granted.

Speaking of family, it went a bit pear shaped this year. My brother and I, who have had a fairly rocky relationship, are no longer in any contact and haven't been since July. I miss my niece and nephew but this is a far better choice for me.

I guess my blog highlights the most impacting change I made this year in my eventual - slow but sure - progress to adopting a cruelty free lifestyle and a vegan diet. It was an on and off road, I struggled and took my time to understand some of the new food options but I was determined. It meant too much to me not to keep trying and exploring it. I am now firmly entrenched in vegan living and nothing has made me happier. It feels wonderful, and it's who I am, inside. In my day to day life, I don't know or interact with any other vegans, except online. It can be isolating at times, and can feel like no one really understands me, although they all try and are considerate of my decision. Attending events like World Vegan Day and the Carols by Barnlight at Edgars Mission were profound and exciting. Being amongst like minds felt like a relief. I could just be me, no justifications, no defensiveness, just accepted and understood. Pretty powerful stuff. I need to expose myself to more of that. The supports I have online are amazing. In fact, I suspect in 2013, things are going to expand and take off again in this area as my good friend Vik and I have so many ideas for our 2 Vegan Girls venture. I am so inspired and excited about it!

My gorgeous Great Dane Gertie came to live with me, and we had a rough year. Poor love was diagnosed with dodgy kidneys and her life span went from 8y to 2y in an instant. It hit hard. She also had 2 incidents of poisoning which scared the hell out of me, but several thousand dollars later, she's still here, and still a giant, beautiful, sook. How I adore her!

We moved house in May, and have a huge block now for kids and animals to run wild. We added rabbits to our menagerie and aside from adjusting to the dreadful cold of winter in a house with high ceilings and a wood fire, it's pretty cool. My children continue to delight me. Finn is smart and wise and hitting preteen stuff at a rapid rate, scaring the bejeesus out of me at how quickly he is growing. RJ is a wicked delight, constantly making me laugh and cringe all at once. Preparing to have both of my children out of the home for a significant portion of the week with school and kinder terrifies me. I have been a stay at home full time mum for 9 years now and this is it. No more. It's scary and makes my heart hurt a bit. I know I will adapt, but it's going to be a rough ride.

I can't close out the rehash of 2012 without mentioning the major highlight. Something happened this year that I never imagined would, that is a dream come true, quite literally. I met the most inspiring and influential musicians - my absolute hands down all time favourite band: The Tea Party. Their music changed my life, changed how I view music and what it can be in life. That they reunited was major enough, but that they came to Australia and I saw them twice, and met them - was able to shake their hands and thank them... Fuck me. That blows my mind, still. What beautiful guys they are, I am so excited to see what 2013 brings for them and for me by extension in listening to what they create. Nothing topped that moment. It was amazing! Telling the guy on the door "no, not a competition winner, JB put my name down..." Nothing cooler. Nothing.

So, what of 2013? I feel like the critical thing to work on next year the same way I tackled esteem this year is laziness. No more having ideas but avoiding actioning them. Write. Create. Move. I know I can do this! No more getting in my own way. Exploring more veganism issues, studying again, and continuing to blossom into the truest Kelly I can be feels exciting. Let's go!

Happy 2013 to you and yours xx

Can you help me?

To say I am an emotional person is to say the Grand Canyon is kinda big. I feel everything intensely. A cause I believe in? I am all in. Relationships? I love with my entire heart, give it all and am loyal to a fault. This is not normal, and naturally I rarely get the same sort of thing in return, and that can lead to innrer turmoil, despite logically understanding it's me that is not normal in what I give.

When you feel everything so deeply, you can imagine too, what negative emotions can be like. I feel fear and hurt so deeply it becomes devastating. And self hatred? If there is a hell, that's what it feels like.

It's pushed people away. Some I am glad to see go (after all, if they can't empathize and accept my faults, then they're not the people I thought they were, or want in my life anyway) others I regret seeing leave.

I don't know how to be any other way. I've fairly been called intense, over the top, melodramatic. It's not by choice, I just literally don't know how to bring emotions back to a manageable level. I don't know how to keep things in control. God knows I have tried. The only thing that's ever enabled me to think logically and not react emotionally, is a heavy painkiller that numbs things. That's hardly a sustainable way to live.

So what do I do? How do I fix this? How can I live a little less from my poor heart? Help me.

My nest is emptying a little

I'm scared. There. I've said it. Scared may even be an understatement. Here's the backstory - I tried for almost 3 years to conceive my son. Eventually, I did so, and he is my precious firstborn. He's now 9, and in grade 3, time is flying by at a pace I cannot keep up with. We started trying for a second child when he was just 6 months old, knowing how long it had taken to get him, and aware the same challenge may present itself. In fact, it was worse. It took five long, pain filled years, rounds of clomid, of artificial inseminations, of giving up altogether, then of IVF and finally, finally, my beautiful daughter was conceived and came into this world. She is turning 4 next month. You know what that means, right?

It means next year she is off to kindergarten. 15 hours a week there, before beginning school in 2014. And I... I can hardly bear to think of it. That sounds dramatic, but you must understand how longed for my babies were. How much I have valued every second that slips past faster than I can grab onto it. How much I enjoy their company. When RJ was just two months old, my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. That first year of her life was a blur of chemo, surgeries, and fear. Not to mention the masters thesis that I had to write and submit. Mum is now three years cancer free, my masters is completed, and my baby girl is about to start leaving the nest.

I don't know how to prepare myself for this. Just thinking about it makes tears well up on my eyes and my heart pound. I know I am overreacting and I know I will adjust. God help me when they leave home. I am going back to school next year, so that will help me stay busy while she is gone. I have the Two Vegan Girls project to invest myself in. I just know I will feel like I am missing a limb when my little sidekick is no longer here beside me, permanently. It will be okay... right?? :(

Dismissing mental health

I just realised that today is World Mental Health Day and it got me thinking. Do you think we dismiss mental health too easily? I guess we are getting better at it, but the stigma persists for many. I know that I never afford myself the same treatment and care when I am feeling stressed out and depressed that I do if I am stuck in bed with a head cold or a bug. I expect myself to just get on with it. Keep going. Expectations are there to be met, and I refuse to allow 'feeling down' to stop me meeting them.

At the same time, when it comes to friends who are feeling depressed or who are battling a variety of anxieties and mental illnesses I am a vocal campaigner for self care and time out. I insist they take the time to address their needs better, I recommend books, doctors, the notion of medication as necessary the same as it is for any other illness.

I have suffered anxiety and depression on and off for years. It's mostly in control, but I don't think it's something that will ever be cured for good. It's just something I manage now with medication, books, and breathing exercises, along with natural alternatives like exercise and sunshine. Some days I just don't want to get up. Some days I just don't want to put on a mask and say all is dandy fine. Some days I want to say I am not okay. I am finding that easier to do. I am finding people quicker to accept and help. Maybe that stigma is fading after all.

I love this idea of developing a Wellness Toolbox. Having some tried and true tools on hand that you know will help, even a little, is a great idea.


Develop a wellness toolbox
Come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. Include any strategies, activities, or skills that have helped in the past. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.
Spend some time in nature
List what you like about yourself
Read a good book
Watch a funny movie or TV show
Take a long, hot bath
Take care of a few small tasks
Play with a pet
Write in your journal
Listen to music
Do something spontaneous
Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm


For me, it all comes back to self talk. Challenging my 'what if's' and negative attitudes. It can be exhausting, but it also helps to remind myself that everything comes back to two emotions: love and fear. Finding the fear in the emotions helps me find a way to address it practically, whether it is entirely rational or not. I think it's also important to be kind to yourself, and remind yourself it's okay to struggle sometimes, it will pass, and hug your inner you. Go easy. Remind yourself that this isn't just you having a bad day and you should just get on with it - mental health is a serious health issue and shouldn't be easily dismissed. You'd rug up and get some rest were it a cold, so do the equivalent for depression. No cop outs, no fobbing it off. Accept it, love yourself, and find what helps bring you back - however long it may take.

Furthermore, you're never alone. Friends, family, health professionals, help phone lines, even social media can be invaluable on 'black days'. Make use of it. You're worth the effort.

Need urgent help?

If you or someone you know is at risk of harming themselves or someone else it is important you get help immediately. You can take the first step in doing this by:


Speaking to your doctor (GP or psychiatrist)
Calling the Psychiatric Team at your nearest hospital
Calling Lifeline 13 11 14 or Suicide Helpline (Victoria only) 1300 651 251
If the person is threatening to harm you call the police on 000 (triple zero).
Some tips for getting urgent help include:

Express the urgency of the matter without becoming aggressive
Speak clearly
Give the health professional specific examples of concerns
Give a brief history of self harm or harm to others
Ensure that you listen to their advice
If they are unable to help, ask them why and who you should contact
Source: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=107


Further Help.

Lifeline 13 11 14
http://www.depression.com.au/
http://www.beyondblue.org.au
http://www.sane.org/
http://www.theshedonline.org.au/
http://www.healthshare.com.au/community/health_challenges/depression

Guilt free food

So a friend linked me to this video of Mayim Bialik talking about veganism recently. Now, apparently she's all Big Bang Theory or some such, but frankly, she'll always be Blossom to me.

Anyhoo, I watched the video and nodded along but when it got to the end I almost leapt up out of my seat and exclaimed YES!!!!!! Because she hit the nail on the head for me, about why I love being vego so much, and what this bizarre feeling of absolute pleasure, joy and elation is.

It's the lifting of guilt. Just like Mayim, I always had some level of guilt about eating animals as far back as I can remember, though not always consciously. It just never fit with who I believe myself to be. It never felt okay. So, as she says, no longer consuming meat or using animals for my own pleasure lifted that guilt entirely. This results in such a beautiful feeling of lightness and joy that it can be hard to describe. The only people who seem to understand and grasp this feeling for which 'happy' seems understated, are those who are also vegan or vegetarian.

This is the book she refers to by Jonathan Safran Foer, and I agree it's a fantastic book for those interested in veganism and vegetarianism.

Tomorrow, I am giving up my day to trek into the city and attend a rally to ban live export. I am looking forward to hearing what Lyn White has to say, and to meeting others who share my passion for this issue. Nervous, shy, all that but this means too much to me to skip.

Dreaming repressed emotion

Lately I have found myself in dreams where I am screaming at people in absolute fury. Any number of reasons, which are usually irrelevant but I am not just angry in these dreams, I am absolutely livid and screaming in anger. I know that dreams are a safe way of venting pent up or repressed emotion, but what on earth am I so angry about that it is so intense and concentrated?! It is somewhat disconcerting, for sure.

Last night, I had a dream that there were loads of people on a beach, and out at sea, there was a cow stuck, drowning and it was bellowing in a horrible moan. People were distraught and upset, yet no one was brave enough to save it. Then my boyfriend - played by Johnny Depp (I'm not even kidding!) - went out on his surfboard with his mates and managed to rescue it. People were relieved and went back to the nearby restaurant. When I walked in, they were all back to their steaks. I lost it. I screamed at them asking how many of them had been affected and upset by that moaning, drowning cow? They all raised their hands. I said "then how the hell can you come back here and eat steak like it's not remotely related???" They looked at me as though I were insane. One friend rolled her eyes and said "take it easy, it's totally different." I got in her face and screamed at her: "you don't think that the cows in the yard at the slaughterhouse, waiting their turn in the run, hearing those before them executed, don't feel the same fear as that cow in the ocean??? You don't think they feel fear and terror in the same way?" Then I threw her plate across the room and stormed out.

Yikes.

Then I dreamed I went to a New Kids On The Block concert so I don't know. That's REAL anger :)

Changing Kelly

My life is such an unplanned mystery right now. I have friends who are happily married, raising kids, planning families, buying homes... But I am heading in a completely different direction. My children are growing. One is at school, one starts kindergarten next year. I have no partner to move forward with. I don't say this in a sad way at all. I'm happy where I am, it's just such a different place from everyone else, and I can't predict it. I have no idea. In some ways, it's actually quite exciting.

When you combine that with how much I have changed in the past few years, it really does feel exciting and new. I feel more certain now, of who I am, and more comfortable with that person. Friendships have changed, some have been lost, some have been strengthened; they're solid and they accept me for me. Brash, honest, passionate and loyal. I'm more confident in my own self, and maybe that's an age thing. Hmm. Wisdom sounds better than age... :)

I'm vegetarian, all but vegan, and I am so confident in that choice. Passionate about it, and it brings a deep seated joy that was unexpected, because I am being true to my values and beliefs.

I've lost 39 kilograms (86 pounds) in the past year, and whilst I have a way to go, I feel so much more alive, have so much more energy, confidence and such better health. I look at the photos of me below and I get emotional. My face is back, chiselled out of the fat that threatened to swallow it. For the first time, I feel beautiful. Feminine. Sexy!

I have no idea what the future brings, but my gut instincts tell me it's going to be worth waiting for. Worth the crap I've waded through to get to. Worth the dodgy men, the surgery, the confronting of who I am and being honest and truthful and authentic in myself. All worth it.

Deliciousness

Before I move on, in reference to my last post - obviously we lost hope and the worst outcome became reality. Everyone has been affected by the story, and it's certainly left me feeling less safe on a night out. I hope her killer is brought to justice, swiftly.

Moving on, I'm back to another food post.

My wonton soup was ahhhhmayyyzing. I'll be making that again for sure. So delicious. And vegan! Less successful was my made from scratch Rogan Josh curry, which was just slightly bitter, and I can't pinpoint which ingredient was the culprit for it. The satay was quite good though, I also made the curry paste for that from scratch too. My Chickpea, feta and marinated vegetable salad - looked divine, tasted too vinegary. The marinade (bought) was too strong for my liking. Asparagus, broccoli and cheese pasta and Italian Suppli were winners (vego not vegan, had cheese). The most surprising win was the tofu kebabs. I don't really do tofu, but in the homemade BBQ sauce, caramelised up... so tasty! Would absolutely eat again and a great protein source to boot.

My rogan josh curry paste. home made! Toasted my own spices and all!

The rogan josh curry

chickpea, feta and marinated vegetable salad. looks better than it tasted.

Wonton Soup 

Italian suppli

BBQ Tofu and fried rice 

I also had great success with my vegan cheese experiment. It was s tasty and so cheeselike, I may be able to give it up and go full vegan yet. I have hope, finally!

My 9 year old wanted to cook dinner one night this week, so I let him choose what he wanted to make. He chose pizzas so we got some passes, some pizza sauce, and various toppings. He made ham and cheese for himself and his sister, and he made me a delish onion and mushroom one. So tasty, he did such a good job of doing all the cutting and using the hot oven and so on. I reckon we'll keep this up...

A good friend (Megan over at Living a Truly Blessed Life) sent me a recipe for vego sausage rolls. I was curious, because they really looked the part, so I gave them a go. They had a slight hint of oatiness to them (rolled oats was a big ingredient) but omg they were yummy and the texture was absolutely sausage rolly. But not scary meat! Even the 9yo gave them the thumbs up and declared them better than the ones from the shop (ie meat ones) he didnt even realise they were vego. WINNING.

I went to my sisters for lunch this week. She put on the BEST vegetarian lunch spread. I wanted to eat ALL THE THINGS. She had lentil burgers, chickpea and spinach sausages, falafel, salads, wraps, cheeses, antipasto... it was amazing. She sent me home with leftovers which went down a freakin treat. I really loved how much of an effort she made to make me something so delicious and so vegetarian. It was really special.

I seem to be getting a few repeat meals in rotation now which is good, means I've found meals I am seriously enjoying. Added in as new experiments this week are a tomato and cheese risotto, vego fajitas and for Grand Final day BBQ I did the most delicious mushroom and halloumi kebabs, corn on the cob with herb butter, and fried ravioli with fresh hommus. Far out it was good. I love food!

The compelling case of #JillMeagher

What is it that so compels us in the Jill Meagher case? People go missing all the time yet these particular set of circumstances have most of us enthralled and genuinely emotive. Why?

If you're truly unaware, Jill Meagher is a 29 year old woman from Ireland now living in Melbourne with her Irish husband. In the early hours of last Saturday morning she attempted to walk the short distance from a bar to her home but along the way she vanished. She's not been heard from since. Police released CCTV footage showing her in conversation with a man who looks alarmingly like a man other women reported harassment and abduction attempts by. Her handbag was found 2 days later in an obvious spot police had already scoured. Missed or planted?

It doesn't look like good news. It's terrifying. Makes my skin crawl. I'm not much older than her. I've gone out in that area and been drunk there. Is it the 'could easily have been me' element that grips us so? The mystery of it? The fear is genuine. I feel my stomach tense when I read about this. I feel true dread and worry for this woman I've never heard of before.

Something about it is gripping us psychologically. There is a lot if judgement at the fact she walked home alone but don't we all live by the default setting of 'it can't/won't happen to me'? I've walked streets alone at night. Intoxicated. Silently scolded myself for the risk in the light of sober day. It's just 5 minutes. I do it all the time. I'll be fine there's people around... Plenty of traffic... And yet.

Women get unwanted attention from men a lot. Being approached on the street at that hour by a man wouldn't be unusual. And Jill is a pretty woman. I don't want to speculate but chances are she was rolling her eyes and just hoping he would give it up and she could go on her way. Not initially suspecting real danger. Using her phone to prevent him further engaging her. Who knows though? Only Jill.

Perhaps that's what gets to us here. That many of us have had unwanted encounters that maybe leave us feeling a bit unsafe but we rack it up to part of life and go on with it. Except Jill can't. Where is she?

I don't want to allow something like this to change how I conduct a night out or how I feel about walking unaccompanied at night or anytime. But it does. I feel less safe. I feel far more cautious and fearful. It infuriates me that I've been made feel this way by some bastard who has done this. Remember those 'reclaim the night' women's marches? No way. Not reclaimed. Taken further away.

I hope the police get a breakthrough in this case soon. I hope Jill is found alive. I hope this increases our awareness of what's going on around us - to us or others in our vicinity. I hope this feeling of mass fear and intimidation doesn't last. I hope that we don't lose hope.

Crimestoppers 1800 333 000 

I am judging you. Probably.

I recently realised something about myself. I'm kind of judgemental sometimes. This is upsetting because I always thought that I wasn't. I'd see, for example, debates raging on parenting choices and I'd shrug and say "I don't know you and your child, only you know what works for you" and I'd feel almost smug about not judging people.

But recently two things have happened where I have found myself getting upset and judgey mcjudgepants at people. And I don't like it.

Firstly, I get annoyed when people don't display the same levels of friendship or loyalty that I do. Just because I would react in a fiercely loyal way, doesn't mean others have to. I get hurt when they don't, yet it's unreasonable of me to expect they do. It's kinda tough to be honest. I don't know how to handle that at all.

And secondly, if you eat meat, I am judging you for it. Big time. I am trying to accept that people have their reasons for consuming meat and that I can't and shouldn't think less of them for it, but you know what? I do. I can't see any reason that outweighs the suffering and murder of innocent animals. I just can't. There is no reason good enough for me.

I don't know what to make of this new side to me. I don't like it, it's not a pleasant way to be. But it's also difficult to stop myself doing. I guess being aware of it is a start, but from here out, I am not sure where to go with it. Maybe this is a stupid post to hit send on. Now you can all judge me for being judgey?!!

Weight loss surgery

Controversial? Yeah, probably. Any time I read an article or something about it, there are loads of comments where people say fat people just need to exercise and eat less. Funny, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT :/ I wish it were that easy, really I do. Being overweight isn't something people tend to enjoy. Often it goes hand in hand with self hatred or self consciousness, and even if one manages to find an acceptance and love of themselves with "extra" weight, they're still subject to a society that ridicules, denigrates and abuses them. So, let me tell you, if it was so easy, if we could all just stop eating and exercise, we would. There are lots of reasons it's not and I won't get into them because I don't think I could cover them all, ever.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about surgery. It's pretty much a last resort for those that decide to go ahead with it. Whether its a lap band, a gastric sleeve or a gastric bypass, there's risk. It's a major operation and every major operation comes with a risk. It's what put me off for years, I was terrified that the risk of surgery was too great. Surgery on an overweight person already increases risk, ya know? But someone once said that your weight is rarely the same on a 12 month anniversary, and mine was only ever greater. I got heart palpitations and had to wear a holter monitor (they were harmless but I was terrified it was weight related), I got terrible reflux that was agony, and I ended up having all sort of investigations to try to resolve it... It was weight related. I realised things were only ever going to get worse for me. I hated my reflection, I hated my body, I was scared I would die young and not see my children grow up. I had to do something, I was desperate. Absolutely desperate and terrified.

Now, I still have to shake my head and ask myself, 'did I really have my stomach chopped out?!' It blows my mind that I was so extreme, that I had to be. I feel disappointed that it came to that, but grateful I had the option. The option to essentially save my life. My confidence, my self esteem. All these things were saved. I am currently 9 months out from my gastric sleeve operation and I have lost 37kg. Imagine how much lighter my body must feel to carry around every day. Have you ever lifted 37kg? I encourage you to do so. I paid for the operation upfront. $15,000 that happened to come our way and could have been used for a home, for debt reduction, for so many better things. I still feel guilt about it. But, it's a second chance at life. And I feel like I am really living now. I feel like suddenly, I have a future that I never saw before, that I never truly believed I would get the chance to see, and now I do. I cannot tell you how powerful that is. I am so grateful to J who gave me the money to do this, and sacrificed his own dreams to let me live. It's not something I can ever fully express gratitude for. Such an incredible gift to be given in so many ways.

It's hard not to compare my loss to others who have had the same operation and are faring so much better, but I am trying to focus on my own journey, and for me, it's a big deal and a massive improvement. So maybe surgery is controversial, but for me it was the only way I could have done this. I have not a single doubt in my mind about that, because I see how much I still struggle not to overeat, to exercise, to change the mind as well as the body. It's hard, really hard, but it was the only way I could save my life. Drastic, not the easy way out by any means, but grateful that I could do it. It's time to shine not only an awesome Kell on the world, but an awesome confident Kell. Bring that on.

Happy 9th Finn xx

I was just reading an old journal of mine...

They lifted him straight onto my tummy and I burst into tears and just said "my darling boy.. oh my god..." and then i said "it IS a boy isnt it?!" It was and Josh cut the cord. Josh and i just looked at each other and at this squeaky little creature. They suctioned a bit of fluid from his mouth and he crid a bit but my god... he was just beautiful. Looking up at us.. words cant describe how i felt at that moment. So happy and in love and relieved and thrilled. All of that and more. We were in awe completely...

Who would believe that was nine years ago today? 9 YEARS. It has gone so fast. This child of mine, he is amazing. He is sensitive, sweet, kind and so generous. He is smart and funny, and he has the most divine heart. He could change this world. The world is so much better off for having him in it. I cannot believe he is mine, that I am responsible for such an amazing child. I don't know how. I take no credit, it's just who he is.

Before him, I was just me, just Kelly. After, I became Mama. A whole new element to my being, and one I cherish every single day. As he gets older, we relate in new ways. We still have that closely connected almost freakish bond, but instead of it being purely emotion based, he can now articulate things, and it takes on an even cooler dimension.

He is a lot like his dad, in nature, and in personality. For example he is mad on Dr Who and Star Wars. I totally claim the Harry Potter obsession, though! He is great at maths and can read something stellar. I cannot imagine where he will end up someday, all I know is the world is his oyster. He can easily do anything he wants to. His talents are so broad.

I absolutely adore him, my darling mooey. Proud doesn't begin to describe it. So much love on your birthday moo, I love you. ALWAYS. No matter what.

Gertie Great Dane

Oh my dearest dog Gertie is in the wars. Gertie is an adorable, enormous sook of a great dane. I got her in February as a wee pup so she's almost exactly 7 months. I adore her! She is the dog I have always wanted - in breed and in temperament. In the last month, I noticed she had developed what turned out to be cherry eye. Poor love, nothing major but needed help. So into the vet we went! The vet also noted she had ectropion eye on the other side so it needed surgery as well, not fun for poor dear baby dog. I asked the vet if perhaps whilst she was getting this done, she ought to be spayed at the same time, to save her going through multiple GA's. The vet agreed it was a good idea, and also believed in the idea of gastroplexy for breeds like Gertie. So it turned out she was in for major, multiple surgeries in the end.

I went in the afternoon of her surgery to see how she had fared and she was still groggy, so I spoke with the vet. The eye surgeries went well, though the cherry eye turned out to have cartilage in the way that would not straighten and so needed chopping out :( The rest was straight forward. The vet then went on to absolutely blow my world apart.

She said that because they were doing such a big surgery, they decided to take some bloods to make sure they were covering all bases. The results came back showing what set alarm bells off for the vet - both kidney enzymes were high. She also had anemia. They tested her urine and it was not well diluted, or even in the normal range at all. She said, one she would have written off to anaesthetic effect, but all 4 were not a good sign. It's not certain, but it looks like Gertie has renal disease.

It wasn't for another ten minutes of talking that I started to grasp just how serious this was. It is fatal. She is going to die. Danes don't have a great life span as it is. They average 10-12 years. Not very long compared to smaller breeds. But the vet told me this may be a case of 2-3 years. How is this fair?? My beautiful girl is facing this? And a crappy life quality in the meantime? What the fuck, universe??? In the last 2 years, I have said goodbye to two pets - they had long lives but it still killed me to lose them and now I am facing this again already???

I feel sick about what decisions lay ahead and what this might mean. The next step is to repeat the blood tests and see if they were accurate. They were taken 1h after GA so maybe that threw things? But all 4? Unlikely. But still?? If they are still suspect, we consider biopsies, 3 monthly bloods, diets... but nothing will fix it. It cannot be fixed. Only prolonged.

I am devastated utterly heartbroken. Right now, we just get her recovered from surgery, one thing at a time. It's all we can do right now :(

When dreams come true

How corny is that title?! Ha! I don't have much of a bucket list, but this is something I have always longed for and dreamed of. This weekend it happened!

What do you say to people who have impacted your life through their music? What do you say to a band that taught you that music doesn't just sound good, or feel nice to move to, but can permeate your entire being and touch your soul? How do you handle that? I didn't say anything I wanted to. Nothing like that. I was too nervous, and I only had a few minutes. But those few minutes... Shaking their hands, getting a photo and autographs - they'll be memories cherished.

The soundcheck that followed was fascinating. To see and hear what goes on, to watch the skill that goes on beyond instruments and voices, it was really a cool thing to see. They sounded tight and I knew I was gonna be in for an amazing show. Goosebumps!

Seven years since I last saw them, seven years break that they had. I thought I'd never experience their live show again but last night I did and they didn't disappoint. If anything, they were even stronger than ever before. This is the first concert I ever attended alone. That was a weird feeling but it enabled me to totally let go and enjoy myself uninhibited. Except for when I was forced to be. For an acoustic song, the crowd sat down. I stayed on my feet - I wanted to dance and enjoy! A bouncer came and told me sit down or get out. I argued and said I'd paid for it, I'd waited for it, and I wanted to enjoy it. He spoke over the top of me and said you either sit down or you get out. I said that I wasn't sure the band would be thrilled that he was forcing fans to sit and inhibit and threatening them like this. He said it wasn't about the band. Um. Wut? Anyway, he wouldn't listen and just spoke over me repeating I could either sit or leave. I sat the rest of the night. Actually felt a bit embarrassed and stupid and given what had gone on that day and this week, ended up crying a little. Thankfully, I continued to lose myself in JB's beats, and in the music and I let it all go. I liken it to feeling like an empty vessel being filled with the music and boy did I need it.

It was also interesting to see the band perform in terms of seeing their different personalities. After the first song or two, I thought that Stuart was going to do a backflip, he looked so stoked to be back, he was really feeling it and it was tangible. That was very cool. Jeff Martin was, well, he's good and he's talented, but he's a bit scary I reckon. He gets feisty at the people off stage sometimes, I guess he values what he's doing and wants it at its best, makes sense. Jeff Burrows is amazing. He seems to me, to be the fun of the group, he's the one getting the audience on their feet, kissing JM and goofing off. But I know too, how generous a heart he has. I know how much time and effort he gives to charity, and to people who he can help out in any way, and he values the fans - I have so much respect for him. Always have had.

I can only hope that after the experience they had themselves last night, that they continue to feel the passion and the renewed vigor for The Tea Party that we fans do, and we see a lot more of them in the future. Bring that shit on.

Some pics of my meet and greet, soundcheck and the gig follow. Well they would, but blogger won't let me. Bastards. Will do a follow up photo post soon.

Book review: Everything Left Unsaid by Jessica Davidson

I need to start this review with a few disclaimers: Firstly, this is a completely unbiased review. I would be upset were anyone to think differently, because I always strive to act with integrity in everything I do and something as important (to me, in my life) as a book review is no exception. Ever. That said, Jessica Davidson is, and has been, a friend of mine for some time. She inspires and motivates me as a writer, but also as a friend and mother. If I hadn't liked her book, I'd have politely outlined my reasons, along with what, if anything, I did enjoy. Thankfully, that wasn't the case. I loved this book. I really loved it, and I am so proud of her. I begged her publicist for an Advance Release Copy and was so grateful he obliged. Whilst he didn't request or demand a review in return, I felt it was standard practice and the least I could do in return.

First, the blurb: "I wait for him, the cold seeping through my clothes, until it finally dawns on me that he's not coming back. And I wonder why he chose her instead of me? Why he went looking for her when I was right there."


Tai and Juliet have been best friends forever – since they met at kindy and decided to get married in first grade.


They understand each other in the way that only best friends can.


They love music, beach walks, energy drinks and, they are slowly discovering, each other.


As they begin to dream of adventures beyond the HSC – a future free of homework, curfews and parents, a life together – their plans are suddenly and dramatically derailed.


For Tai is sick.


And not everything you wish for can come true.


A poignant story of first love, hope, grief, family, and the twistedness of life.

Let me begin by saying, read this with a box of tissues at hand. I not only cried, I sobbed, and was a snotty, red eyed mess. It is such a heart wrencher, not only as someone who has loved and lost, but as a mother, as a friend, as someone who can only imagine what it's like to face your own mortality so young. In every way, from every perspective, this one rips at you. Sad books aren't for everyone, same as a sad movie, I suppose. But a book that can make you feel, that can reach into the vulnerable parts of you and reduce you to a brutal mess, is one that must be well written.

I want to share with you a few of my favorite bits, all the while avoiding spoilers where possible. These are some of the words that struck me most, for all kinds of reasons, and I wanted to share my top few.

I liked this first one because you know, this is pretty much exactly how i felt when I found out mum had breast cancer. Everything is off kilter, and she described it perfectly for me.

It's kind of like a dream, where you know you're dreaming because you know that your real life isn't quite like this. p77.

Oh man... Tai repeats this to himself a few times, this one, and it hit me hard because I could feel the same panic. Made my heart race.

"A year, Tai. You're fucked, Tai." p83

I love this line, it just is so charged, and you can feel the desperation he has to get this message across and it just made my heart ache a little. Young love. Innocent love. It's so much more perfect than what comes later in so many ways.

"You need to know,' he whispers, 'you need to remember when I'm not around to remind you, that I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.' p158.


And then comes a line that frankly, I think is the absolute best thing I have ever read in the history of ever. Not really, but still. *


Oh shit. Oh dear mcfucking shit." p166.

The next line made me adore Juliet. If I hadn't already. Attitude wins me over every single time.

He sighs. "So then you get your compass and - "
"Stab myself in the eye?" p201.

From here on I started to feel the heaviness of what was going on - "I remember your first day of kindy... you came home and told me you had a best friend, and asked if he could come over to play. He did, two days later - and that was it." p213

The vomit in the hair, Tai crying in fear... These things had me a mess. The entire last third of the book made me an emotional wreck. I actually had nightmares that night. I dreamed of losing my child, of death, of heartbreak. I think Tai and Juliet hit me a little TOO hard, and I don't know if this is in part because I watched Jess (from afar, not in the stalkery kinda way ;) ) write this and felt I knew these characters, long before I read them in final form. Jessica has done herself proud in Everything Left Unsaid. It's masterful, and it's another one of those great books that in the face of so much crap that is out there, restores my faith in good publishing and well written books. It's in bookstores from August 1, you won't regret snapping it up.

5 out of 5 stars.


*The only biased line of this review ;) 

More about my mates!

Friends are the one constant in my life the past few years. Ups and downs, lovers come and go, life is chaotic and stormy, but right there, right there are my friends always.

This week it was one of my best friends 30th birthdays. 30 is a big one, but I found it a fabulous one and I know she will too. It's just good to be in your thirties. Just is. Trust me! I was devastated to miss her celebration, I spent 2.5 days in bed this week unwell, this weird stomach of mine gives me some interesting trouble sometimes. But anyway, I wrote this for her:

For Fleur.


You make me smile, every time I see your beautiful face.
You inspire me to be a better person, inside and out.
You have the sweetest heart,
Yet the most devilish mind.
The perfect combination.


You are: wise, intelligent, and witty.
You make me feel I matter. To the world.
I know that almost always, 
Far more goes on under the surface,
Than you ever let show. 


But you cannot hide from me.
That's what makes you my best friend.
You know my heart, I know yours, too.
So much goodness is going to come your way,
So deserved, my darling heart. I love you.


I have another friend, you might know of her, she goes by the name Fat Mum Slim. Many of you would read Telle's blog, and many more again would join in her Photo A Day challenges that are taking quite literally - the world - by storm. I've seen celebrities joining in, writers, musicians, and so many of us that enjoy her prompts. It's very cool. I've known Telle a while now. I watched her start her blog, watched her cultivate it, watched her readership and support grow. And my heart blossomed for her. You see, Chantelle is a funny girl. She has this amazing quality that few people I have come across have, it's like an inner light, a self love and awareness that I strive for. She would likely shrug it off and tell me she's as insecure as the rest of us. Maybe. But she still has this amazing heart, and it shines from inside out. Telle's starting a new chapter in her life shortly, I cannot help knowing it will be a success. It's who she is. Who she will always be. She's authentic. That's why.

Then there's Jess that I mentioned the other week, who I talk to almost all day every day, who motivates me to write. Ez who is my cheerleader, Anna who would kick anyones arse if they hurt me, Nat my soul mate, Vik and Christie my vegan pioneers, and so many others... I am SO lucky. I really am. I am surrounded by so much inspiration and support. I need nothing else. All you need is love. And friendships are the best kind of love.

The Tea Party - Intimate gig

I've mentioned The Tea Party a few times on this blog. They are the band that taught me what music can do. What it should do. Before them, I liked music and it was great, but hearing them showed me that music can actually move you. I'm sure you've heard people say that before but have you ever really felt it?  I don't mean "wow, good song, I can move to this" - I mean, my eyes are closed and I don't know where I am because this music consumes me, hits my soul, and literally transports me to another plane. That's what these guys do. THAT is what musicians can do, what true, raw talent can do.

On April 26th, I was lucky enough to score a guest list spot for an intimate, unadvertised promo gig at the Cherry Bar in Melbourne. Just a handful of contest winners, friends, and associated press and so on were in the bar for a fantastic performance of just a few songs to whet the appetite for the bands upcoming tour in July.

You must understand that this band broke up. I thought I would never see them again live and they move me like nothing else ever has so to be in amongst this group, hearing that music again absolutely melted my soul. I closed my eyes and I could not stop smiling. They're back. I almost wept with joy!

Below are links to two performances from that night. You can hear the talent, you can see the skill and you can envy we few who were lucky enough to be there! Next month, the band kick off their Reformation Tour in Melbourne and you can bet your arse I will be there. I only wish I were rich enough to fly around Australia for each and every gig to make the most of the opportunity!! Do yourself a favor, get yourself some tickets. They're also promoting a live double album that they will record whilst out there. You can score a download and some awesome extra items by pledging to help them make it (and to donate to the Steve Hoffman Fund for Cancer Research. Vinyl people! VINYL!

Now listen and be moved...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WgUBXGKnM4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtuAERdBpcU

My mate, Lea.

I've talked about my friend Lea here before. She's pretty awesome, as I said. Funny as fuck. You know what else? She's brave, and she has grace. She is inspiring, strong, and basically, flat out amazing.

You hear people say these kind of things about their friends sometimes. You hear it tossed about here and there... People call ME strong, but I got nothing on Lea. You have to read this entry in her blog HERE. Please, go read it. Tell her you are blown away by her attitude. Because seriously? She's fucking 30. I am 34, I have 4 years on this girl and I have nothing on her emotional grace. I could never handle this like Lea. But this IS Leanne. This is who she is, who she's always been. Maybe the cancer, chemo and crap that goes with it is just highlighting it better, but this is Leanne. I'm so glad I can call her a friend. I'm so proud that I've always had her back and she's always had mine. Through thick and thin. Good and bad. Hair and no hair. I adore her.

I read that post of hers, and after I was proud, and after I sat here shaking my head at her positivity and brilliant attitude, I had a bit of a freak out. A case of the 'but what if's...' It's the most serious kind of dread and fear you can experience. Been here before. But then I read the post again. There is no way in hell she won't get through this, I can feel it. I can see it. Look at her!!! Look at her not only handle this, but kick its fucking ARSE!!!! So fucking proud. You're a bloody legend, Lea. I love you.