My nest is emptying a little

I'm scared. There. I've said it. Scared may even be an understatement. Here's the backstory - I tried for almost 3 years to conceive my son. Eventually, I did so, and he is my precious firstborn. He's now 9, and in grade 3, time is flying by at a pace I cannot keep up with. We started trying for a second child when he was just 6 months old, knowing how long it had taken to get him, and aware the same challenge may present itself. In fact, it was worse. It took five long, pain filled years, rounds of clomid, of artificial inseminations, of giving up altogether, then of IVF and finally, finally, my beautiful daughter was conceived and came into this world. She is turning 4 next month. You know what that means, right?

It means next year she is off to kindergarten. 15 hours a week there, before beginning school in 2014. And I... I can hardly bear to think of it. That sounds dramatic, but you must understand how longed for my babies were. How much I have valued every second that slips past faster than I can grab onto it. How much I enjoy their company. When RJ was just two months old, my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. That first year of her life was a blur of chemo, surgeries, and fear. Not to mention the masters thesis that I had to write and submit. Mum is now three years cancer free, my masters is completed, and my baby girl is about to start leaving the nest.

I don't know how to prepare myself for this. Just thinking about it makes tears well up on my eyes and my heart pound. I know I am overreacting and I know I will adjust. God help me when they leave home. I am going back to school next year, so that will help me stay busy while she is gone. I have the Two Vegan Girls project to invest myself in. I just know I will feel like I am missing a limb when my little sidekick is no longer here beside me, permanently. It will be okay... right?? :(

Dismissing mental health

I just realised that today is World Mental Health Day and it got me thinking. Do you think we dismiss mental health too easily? I guess we are getting better at it, but the stigma persists for many. I know that I never afford myself the same treatment and care when I am feeling stressed out and depressed that I do if I am stuck in bed with a head cold or a bug. I expect myself to just get on with it. Keep going. Expectations are there to be met, and I refuse to allow 'feeling down' to stop me meeting them.

At the same time, when it comes to friends who are feeling depressed or who are battling a variety of anxieties and mental illnesses I am a vocal campaigner for self care and time out. I insist they take the time to address their needs better, I recommend books, doctors, the notion of medication as necessary the same as it is for any other illness.

I have suffered anxiety and depression on and off for years. It's mostly in control, but I don't think it's something that will ever be cured for good. It's just something I manage now with medication, books, and breathing exercises, along with natural alternatives like exercise and sunshine. Some days I just don't want to get up. Some days I just don't want to put on a mask and say all is dandy fine. Some days I want to say I am not okay. I am finding that easier to do. I am finding people quicker to accept and help. Maybe that stigma is fading after all.

I love this idea of developing a Wellness Toolbox. Having some tried and true tools on hand that you know will help, even a little, is a great idea.


Develop a wellness toolbox
Come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. Include any strategies, activities, or skills that have helped in the past. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.
Spend some time in nature
List what you like about yourself
Read a good book
Watch a funny movie or TV show
Take a long, hot bath
Take care of a few small tasks
Play with a pet
Write in your journal
Listen to music
Do something spontaneous
Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm


For me, it all comes back to self talk. Challenging my 'what if's' and negative attitudes. It can be exhausting, but it also helps to remind myself that everything comes back to two emotions: love and fear. Finding the fear in the emotions helps me find a way to address it practically, whether it is entirely rational or not. I think it's also important to be kind to yourself, and remind yourself it's okay to struggle sometimes, it will pass, and hug your inner you. Go easy. Remind yourself that this isn't just you having a bad day and you should just get on with it - mental health is a serious health issue and shouldn't be easily dismissed. You'd rug up and get some rest were it a cold, so do the equivalent for depression. No cop outs, no fobbing it off. Accept it, love yourself, and find what helps bring you back - however long it may take.

Furthermore, you're never alone. Friends, family, health professionals, help phone lines, even social media can be invaluable on 'black days'. Make use of it. You're worth the effort.

Need urgent help?

If you or someone you know is at risk of harming themselves or someone else it is important you get help immediately. You can take the first step in doing this by:


Speaking to your doctor (GP or psychiatrist)
Calling the Psychiatric Team at your nearest hospital
Calling Lifeline 13 11 14 or Suicide Helpline (Victoria only) 1300 651 251
If the person is threatening to harm you call the police on 000 (triple zero).
Some tips for getting urgent help include:

Express the urgency of the matter without becoming aggressive
Speak clearly
Give the health professional specific examples of concerns
Give a brief history of self harm or harm to others
Ensure that you listen to their advice
If they are unable to help, ask them why and who you should contact
Source: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=107


Further Help.

Lifeline 13 11 14
http://www.depression.com.au/
http://www.beyondblue.org.au
http://www.sane.org/
http://www.theshedonline.org.au/
http://www.healthshare.com.au/community/health_challenges/depression

Finding my om in the face of frustration

So I called the doctors again, in the hope of getting something over the phone since I have to go in so many times this week for the monitor. The nurse tells me my bloods are fine. "Are you sure? I was told to come in!" I said. She put me on hold and checked with my doctor again, who said she was happy with them. Argh! I guess they had not been doctor checked before. Maybe something was slightly off, but obviously nothing to come in over, after all. Frustrated. So now I have no answer at all. I go get the monitor tomorrow. My instinct tells me its related to the injury I had that went on for weeks... I may need an osteo or something. We'll rule out the heart as the problem first and go from there. Gah. Back to the drawing board.

This quote from Tiny Buddha was especially apt this morning: "Today if you feel limited by your fear, remember: You can assume the worst and allow that to keep you paralyzed, or you can decide to stop wasting your energy analyzing evidence, and focus instead of creating possibilities."

I am going to use that as my mantra today. It's going to be a good day. I am seeing my mum for morning tea, and a friend I've not seen in some time for afternoon tea. Perfection. And? The sun is STILL out! Bliss!!!

Tell me why?

I don't like Mondays... I want to shoot... the whole day down.

Ugh. Monday. And a busy week awaits me. I have RJs dance class this morning, and I have a doctors appointment tonight, since my blood tests have shown something. Of course, they can't tell me what that something is over the phone, so I am left to worry until I get in there and find out. WHAT FUN.

Tomorrow I am supposed to be catching up both with mum and a friend I haven't seen in ages. Wednesday and Thursday are heart monitor days. Friday I am setting aside for sitting on my arse!!!!

I am finding my anxiety is worse in the morning as I struggle to get moving for the day, and to get into the swing of things. It's difficult to force myself to do what needs to be done for the day. I just want to go back to bed! If only it were an option!

Well, at least the sun is shining, that's always a mood improver. I'll keep you posted on the results from the doctor, I am hoping it's something as simple as low iron. Please. :S