I am not who I was, any longer.

The last 5 years I have been through the sort of changes most people might go through over a decade or more. It has been seriously intense and as it dawns on me just how much I have changed, I feel this weird mixture of excitement and fear.

5 years ago I was about to fall pregnant with my second child, I weighed a LOT, I was married (albeit unhappily), and Mum was beginning her cancer battle. Now I am 40 kilograms lighter, my second child is off to kinder, I am separated, Mum is well, and I am a vegan. We could be two different people. For 10 years I have been a full time mum, and letting that go and knowing this is it, is a scary feeling. What do I do with myself now??? Sure they still need me and will for a time yet, but it's not the same, independence has begun. I am the most alone I have ever been. In lots of ways. Friends are heading in different directions with pregnancies, babies, houses... I am sort of out here in the wilderness.

I see this as an exciting time, but it is unsettling and nerve wracking as well. There is a part of me that has a desperate urge to disappear for a bit. All these changes, the failed dating, the confused mind, the emotional weight of my babe heading out into the world - it's exhausted me. I have this need to shut down, switch off and hide in my cave for a while. Of course practically that's pretty much impossible.

What I have done, is book myself a night away. Just one night, but at least it's something. Some space, some time out. As an introvert, I recharge by being alone. I am never really alone for long, though I guess with real kinder hours beginning next week I will get some time. Everything feels chaotic, like a whirl of thoughts I can't quite grasp, unsettled and unstable. It's intense. I don't quite know how to handle it.

End ramble.

Heart

I've been slack blogger lately. Mostly because I've had an awesome time setting up the Two Vegan Girls site with my dear friend, Vik. It's pretty awesome, I am excited about it and where it might go. We've also been busy writing and coupled with school holidays and the usual stuff, life's been a bit busier.

So, time to shift focus again. To be strong. To try and hang in there. Forget the heart and lead with the head for a bit. Concentrate on 2VG, on uni starting in a month or so, and on meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone more often. I feel like I am on the verge of a major life shift. I can choose to go with it, fear and all and see what wonder it brings, or I can stay safe in my familiar though stunted current life. I know which I have to choose, I hope I can find the courage and motivation to embrace it.

It'll be okay.

Farewell 2012

It seems like only yesterday I was reflecting on 2011. This year has gone super fast. It was a busy one, that's for sure.

I've lost another 27 kilograms (60 pounds) this year, a total of 40kg (88p) since my surgery. It feels amazing. I still have a belly I need to lose which will take exercise. Exercise is still my nemesis, and a psychological block exists there that needs to be broken down. Still, I've lost an entire Finn, so to give him a piggy back and realise I used to carry that all day everyday is a pretty awesome comparison. My body is under so much less stress now and there is no question I have prolonged my life by doing this. It makes it easier when food gives me grief or I am having a rough eating day.

This time 12 months ago I had long hair, 1 tattoo, no piercings other than my ears, and I weighed 27kg more. Now I have shorter hair, 2 tattoos and a nose piercing, and am lighter. I feel every day I become truer to who I am and how I express that. It's an amazing feeling.

In 2012 I worked bloody hard at self esteem and self worth. Damn hard. SO hard. I came a very long way. So many things rattled me as I was vulnerable to them but I forged ahead. Again I have a way to go but comparing now to 12 months ago I have come so far it blows my mind. I no longer have a deep seated self hatred and disgust at who I am. I like me - inside and out. And that's a massive change. Next comes self love?

I made and lost friends in 2012 and while each loss shook me (and said esteem) and rattled me and caused me to question myself, each one also cemented who I am and the reflection and self doubt led to more certainty and awareness of myself, and can only be a good thing. The friends I have are not just friends. They are ones I'd trust my life to. They are the real deal. They are more like family. I am so incredibly lucky to have them and it's something I try never to take for granted.

Speaking of family, it went a bit pear shaped this year. My brother and I, who have had a fairly rocky relationship, are no longer in any contact and haven't been since July. I miss my niece and nephew but this is a far better choice for me.

I guess my blog highlights the most impacting change I made this year in my eventual - slow but sure - progress to adopting a cruelty free lifestyle and a vegan diet. It was an on and off road, I struggled and took my time to understand some of the new food options but I was determined. It meant too much to me not to keep trying and exploring it. I am now firmly entrenched in vegan living and nothing has made me happier. It feels wonderful, and it's who I am, inside. In my day to day life, I don't know or interact with any other vegans, except online. It can be isolating at times, and can feel like no one really understands me, although they all try and are considerate of my decision. Attending events like World Vegan Day and the Carols by Barnlight at Edgars Mission were profound and exciting. Being amongst like minds felt like a relief. I could just be me, no justifications, no defensiveness, just accepted and understood. Pretty powerful stuff. I need to expose myself to more of that. The supports I have online are amazing. In fact, I suspect in 2013, things are going to expand and take off again in this area as my good friend Vik and I have so many ideas for our 2 Vegan Girls venture. I am so inspired and excited about it!

My gorgeous Great Dane Gertie came to live with me, and we had a rough year. Poor love was diagnosed with dodgy kidneys and her life span went from 8y to 2y in an instant. It hit hard. She also had 2 incidents of poisoning which scared the hell out of me, but several thousand dollars later, she's still here, and still a giant, beautiful, sook. How I adore her!

We moved house in May, and have a huge block now for kids and animals to run wild. We added rabbits to our menagerie and aside from adjusting to the dreadful cold of winter in a house with high ceilings and a wood fire, it's pretty cool. My children continue to delight me. Finn is smart and wise and hitting preteen stuff at a rapid rate, scaring the bejeesus out of me at how quickly he is growing. RJ is a wicked delight, constantly making me laugh and cringe all at once. Preparing to have both of my children out of the home for a significant portion of the week with school and kinder terrifies me. I have been a stay at home full time mum for 9 years now and this is it. No more. It's scary and makes my heart hurt a bit. I know I will adapt, but it's going to be a rough ride.

I can't close out the rehash of 2012 without mentioning the major highlight. Something happened this year that I never imagined would, that is a dream come true, quite literally. I met the most inspiring and influential musicians - my absolute hands down all time favourite band: The Tea Party. Their music changed my life, changed how I view music and what it can be in life. That they reunited was major enough, but that they came to Australia and I saw them twice, and met them - was able to shake their hands and thank them... Fuck me. That blows my mind, still. What beautiful guys they are, I am so excited to see what 2013 brings for them and for me by extension in listening to what they create. Nothing topped that moment. It was amazing! Telling the guy on the door "no, not a competition winner, JB put my name down..." Nothing cooler. Nothing.

So, what of 2013? I feel like the critical thing to work on next year the same way I tackled esteem this year is laziness. No more having ideas but avoiding actioning them. Write. Create. Move. I know I can do this! No more getting in my own way. Exploring more veganism issues, studying again, and continuing to blossom into the truest Kelly I can be feels exciting. Let's go!

Happy 2013 to you and yours xx

Happy Birthday, me.

So, it's my birthday. I'm 35. I wasn't feeling good about turning 35, it just felt like I'd reached a crest and am now on the other side. From youngish to Middle Aged. Closer ever closer to the big four-oh. But, it sure beats the alternative. If I'm not aging I'm dead!

When I think about my life and look at the bigger picture, there's so much to be grateful for. There's so much to love about being me. I challenge myself endlessly for self growth and am making some pretty awesome leaps and bounds. Physically and mentally I'm a different person to the me of 12 months ago and I'm really proud of that.

I spend my life in the company of the most amazing friends anyone could imagine. The people in my life are not just people to pass time with or good mates. They are inspiring. They are real. They care about me and they cheer me on. They cry with me they celebrate with me and they genuinely care about my life and my happiness. I'm so lucky to have so many of those people in my life. It's overwhelming. I'm so grateful. From all over the world, my friends make my life so special every single day.

And my children. Who couldn't feel good about a life with these two in it?! My reserved, smart, sensitive, son who feels things so deeply and just wants to please. My funny, feisty, happy sunshine daughter who makes me giggle daily. So different to one another but so bloody amazing. They're my life. They're my reason. I'd do all the hard painful parts of my life over and over if it meant they are mine. I'm incredibly lucky to have them.

I've a friendship strengthened by blood bond with my mum and sister that fills me with a deep sense of belonging and happiness that comes from knowing I'm understood. Truly understood. I talk to mum every single day. She knows all my secrets and loves me completely. Nothing tops that feeling.

I have things I believe in passionately. Causes, creative ventures, things that make my soul sing and hum. I vibrate with life. I'm happy. I'm 35.

World Vegan Day

On Sunday I attended World Vegan Day in Melbourne. I was a bit nervous, felt like a n00b, despite having done some interviews and writing for their blog. Anyway, I wanted to be early to make sure I was able to secure all the loot I wanted to get so I got there right as it began at 10am, before the crowds! It was a beautiful warm day which was great. The atmosphere was fantastic, very relaxed and united. It felt great to be at something that I believed in, with so many other people who agreed with me! It was weird and a bit difficult being on my own. I felt self conscious for a good hour before I relaxed, and beyond that, it was sort of depressing not to have anyone to share it with or talk to or say "hey look at this..." That aside though, I really loved it. I left feeling inspired and excited about veganism, feeling again that real deep emotional joy that nothing but veganism brings out in me. I also spent a fortune, but FINALLY got my hands on vital wheat gluten to make seitan and cutlets with, as well as a haul of other things. See the pics below for details, and my next post for the food alone! I already can't wait for next year!

This is Vegie Head doing her cooking demo. She made yum choc butter and jam. Adele is absolutely gorgeous and so friendly. love her stuff.

This is a lovely goat, part of Edgars Mission! 

My good friends over at Turning Veganese have rescue bunnies. I saw this sticker and had to get it for them! 

Yummy World Vegan Day birthday cake!

Me! MEAT FREE ZONE baby!

This is my shopping haul. I have savoury yeast flakes, gluten flour, guar guam, Mister Nice Guy Cupcakes, Funky pies, Natures Quest skin and beauty products, truffles, vegusto cheese, vegusto deli slices, vegan jerky, tiramisu sauce, bunny sticker and my showbag. Phew!

This was at noon, only 2 hours in and it was buzzing!

Showbag contents - lots of literature, dish liquid, 2 soaps, vegan pet food, body wash and serum, a towel, a laundry bag and lots of discount vouchers!

Come back tomorrow for the foodie pic post!

Exciting news!

Have you ever had one of those moments, where something just falls so perfectly into your lap, so perfectly into place at the right time, with the right people, and it just works? I had one such moment this week.

A friend of mine, Viktoriya, was tweeting over the weekend from the Activist Forum in Sydney, and I watched on RTing madly and enjoying what she was reporting back. I sent her a message saying that I wished I could attend and wanted to get more involved. She suggested I contact the people over at World Vegan Day Melbourne. The same people coordinate the Sydney Cruelty Free Festival and this friend had done some writing for them and thought I may be able to do the same.

I was thrilled! Writing and Vegan living! Huzzah!! I made contact and put in a call to talk about what I might like to do to help out, I chose a few sponsors of World Vegan Day to write about and made contact. I really am enjoying learning more about what services and products are out there for vegans. Just really exciting stuff!

I was talking to Vik about the articles and she mentioned in passing, the idea of collaborating on one. I was hit with a clear and bold idea and immediately replied with - what if we collaborated on a blog instead?? She could cover Sydney, I could cover Melbourne, we could talk about our own journey to cruelty free living, our passion, our inspirations... Happily, Vik loved the idea and Two Vegan Girls was born. I hope you will support us as we work out where this wild ride will take us. I have a fantastic vibe about this. Exciting times ahead!

Make your own pledge to Make It Possible by going meat free, reducing meat intake, or eating only ethical meats here.

Changing Kelly

My life is such an unplanned mystery right now. I have friends who are happily married, raising kids, planning families, buying homes... But I am heading in a completely different direction. My children are growing. One is at school, one starts kindergarten next year. I have no partner to move forward with. I don't say this in a sad way at all. I'm happy where I am, it's just such a different place from everyone else, and I can't predict it. I have no idea. In some ways, it's actually quite exciting.

When you combine that with how much I have changed in the past few years, it really does feel exciting and new. I feel more certain now, of who I am, and more comfortable with that person. Friendships have changed, some have been lost, some have been strengthened; they're solid and they accept me for me. Brash, honest, passionate and loyal. I'm more confident in my own self, and maybe that's an age thing. Hmm. Wisdom sounds better than age... :)

I'm vegetarian, all but vegan, and I am so confident in that choice. Passionate about it, and it brings a deep seated joy that was unexpected, because I am being true to my values and beliefs.

I've lost 39 kilograms (86 pounds) in the past year, and whilst I have a way to go, I feel so much more alive, have so much more energy, confidence and such better health. I look at the photos of me below and I get emotional. My face is back, chiselled out of the fat that threatened to swallow it. For the first time, I feel beautiful. Feminine. Sexy!

I have no idea what the future brings, but my gut instincts tell me it's going to be worth waiting for. Worth the crap I've waded through to get to. Worth the dodgy men, the surgery, the confronting of who I am and being honest and truthful and authentic in myself. All worth it.

I am judging you. Probably.

I recently realised something about myself. I'm kind of judgemental sometimes. This is upsetting because I always thought that I wasn't. I'd see, for example, debates raging on parenting choices and I'd shrug and say "I don't know you and your child, only you know what works for you" and I'd feel almost smug about not judging people.

But recently two things have happened where I have found myself getting upset and judgey mcjudgepants at people. And I don't like it.

Firstly, I get annoyed when people don't display the same levels of friendship or loyalty that I do. Just because I would react in a fiercely loyal way, doesn't mean others have to. I get hurt when they don't, yet it's unreasonable of me to expect they do. It's kinda tough to be honest. I don't know how to handle that at all.

And secondly, if you eat meat, I am judging you for it. Big time. I am trying to accept that people have their reasons for consuming meat and that I can't and shouldn't think less of them for it, but you know what? I do. I can't see any reason that outweighs the suffering and murder of innocent animals. I just can't. There is no reason good enough for me.

I don't know what to make of this new side to me. I don't like it, it's not a pleasant way to be. But it's also difficult to stop myself doing. I guess being aware of it is a start, but from here out, I am not sure where to go with it. Maybe this is a stupid post to hit send on. Now you can all judge me for being judgey?!!

Screw you, cancer!

An update for you on my dearest Lea. I have good news people! Post chemotherapy and Leanne has just had a bunch of tests which have shown... duh duh duh dunnnnn - NO CANCER!!!! She's cancer free! How awesome is that?! So thrilled. What a fighter huh? What an enormous inspiration and so incredibly lucky that she found it early enough to fully treat, given that's really rare with ovarian cancer.  Take THAT cancer!!!

So, out of all of this has come something super amazing. The "Let's ova-run cancer" fundraising auction. All proceeds are going to Ovarian Cancer Australia, and it was all inspired by Leanne. Her amazing friends wanted to do something to help, since there was nothing they could do for Leanne herself, they tackled the next best thing. Funds for more research and earlier diagnoses tools.

The auction has taken off! Over one hundred items are up for bids, starting July 31. The auction will last for a week so there is plenty of time to get a bid in (and up it as needed to win, naturally!) It's happening on facebook here. Some of the items you can grab a bargain on include signed football and rugby jerseys, photography shoots, wine, an iPad, kids clothing and toys, jewellery, you name it, it's in there. Go and have a look, make a bid, win some stuff. Assuming you can beat me, of course. :P

I miss you

5 years today. I cannot believe it's been that long since we lost you. Dude, that's awful. I am now older than you ever were :(

I never forget you. I think about you often. Sort of weird that today is the anniversary of your death, a guy I always considered to be my big bro, and today I happened to argue so terribly with my actual younger brother that I don't ever want to speak to him again. Weird that. Makes me miss you more.

RIP, mate xx

Your honest self and the honest friend.

Have been thinking so much about honesty lately. How many of us truly live honestly with ourselves? Do we live in denial, avoiding looking at the truth for fear of what it might mean if we do? It may mean making changes in our lives we don't want to make or are scared to make. Taking risks we don't want to take. Admitting things we don't really want to admit. I lived that way for many years. It was easier, to a degree. Living honestly has been a change I made consciously, and it's more of a challenge than I expected. It's cost me friends. It's cost me relationships. Lovers.

But you know what, the reward you get, the deeper reward of how you feel inside is soooo worth it. I can sleep at night, knowing that I am not kidding myself, that the decisions I have made are right for me, and that I am being authentic and true to who I really am. It's worth more than you can imagine.

Sometimes, my honesty offends. I've lost a few friends, who I have confronted over issues out of concern for them - often bluntly... But they've balked at it, and disappeared from my life. At first, I blamed myself. It upset me a lot that they really couldn't see I asked things because I cared for them. Wasn't it obvious that if I didn't give a shit, I wouldn't say anything?! Apparently not. This article by Julie at Beautiful You really helped my awareness begin to emerge. Not everyone will like you, but it doesn't mean you're worth any less. We're all different, we can't gel with everyone!

I beat myself up when I would email or contact them trying to fix the friendship only for it to be ignored. It hurt. A lot. Then I noticed something... These people were negative. They fuelled my own negativity and it's liberating not to see or hear their negative stuff anymore! Now I only need rid myself of my own negative! It was a nice revelation for me to see that this was a good thing. These losses were actually positive for my life. Wow!

I also surround myself with likewise honest people. Honest friends. Not only with themselves, but with me. Sometimes I make a decision and they don't simply say "well done!" like I might want them to. Sometimes they will challenge me on it. Question me, dig to see if I have made the decision honestly, check to see I've not avoided some things - throw those at me to make sure I am not wearing rose coloured glasses. I love this. I need this. It's so valuable to me - and maybe that's why I do it to others, forgetting not every person will appreciate it the way I do.

Why do you think denial is the preferred way of living for so many? It can't be a happy existence. Not truly. I face my flaws and faults and I work on them. Not always successfully, but I'm aware of them, and I force myself to keep at it, and keep checking for authenticity in every day. It's a start.

More about my mates!

Friends are the one constant in my life the past few years. Ups and downs, lovers come and go, life is chaotic and stormy, but right there, right there are my friends always.

This week it was one of my best friends 30th birthdays. 30 is a big one, but I found it a fabulous one and I know she will too. It's just good to be in your thirties. Just is. Trust me! I was devastated to miss her celebration, I spent 2.5 days in bed this week unwell, this weird stomach of mine gives me some interesting trouble sometimes. But anyway, I wrote this for her:

For Fleur.


You make me smile, every time I see your beautiful face.
You inspire me to be a better person, inside and out.
You have the sweetest heart,
Yet the most devilish mind.
The perfect combination.


You are: wise, intelligent, and witty.
You make me feel I matter. To the world.
I know that almost always, 
Far more goes on under the surface,
Than you ever let show. 


But you cannot hide from me.
That's what makes you my best friend.
You know my heart, I know yours, too.
So much goodness is going to come your way,
So deserved, my darling heart. I love you.


I have another friend, you might know of her, she goes by the name Fat Mum Slim. Many of you would read Telle's blog, and many more again would join in her Photo A Day challenges that are taking quite literally - the world - by storm. I've seen celebrities joining in, writers, musicians, and so many of us that enjoy her prompts. It's very cool. I've known Telle a while now. I watched her start her blog, watched her cultivate it, watched her readership and support grow. And my heart blossomed for her. You see, Chantelle is a funny girl. She has this amazing quality that few people I have come across have, it's like an inner light, a self love and awareness that I strive for. She would likely shrug it off and tell me she's as insecure as the rest of us. Maybe. But she still has this amazing heart, and it shines from inside out. Telle's starting a new chapter in her life shortly, I cannot help knowing it will be a success. It's who she is. Who she will always be. She's authentic. That's why.

Then there's Jess that I mentioned the other week, who I talk to almost all day every day, who motivates me to write. Ez who is my cheerleader, Anna who would kick anyones arse if they hurt me, Nat my soul mate, Vik and Christie my vegan pioneers, and so many others... I am SO lucky. I really am. I am surrounded by so much inspiration and support. I need nothing else. All you need is love. And friendships are the best kind of love.

Who, or what, inspires you?

I am really lucky, in that in every facet of my life - be it veganism, writing, or anything I choose to do, I have a great group of friends and family that will always support me.

When it comes to writing, aside from this invaluable encouragement, there are people that really and truly inspire me to keep chasing my dream. I was watching this fantastic speech recently, by one of my favorite authors, Neil Gaiman. It's so freaking inspiring. I watch it repeatedly, and still get goosies. Make. Good. Art. It makes me want to contribute, and put my words out there.

Another incredibly inspiring author (and friend) is Jess. She's on book 2, and she wrote much of this one literally with a newborn in her arms. She has 3 littlies, and she still finds makes time to write. What excuse do I have?! Jess is full of encouragement, and motivates me. I appreciate it, Jess. You are a gem.

I really don't know how to find time to write when I have a three year old whirlwind demanding time and attention, literally every 5 minutes. I guess it means no sleep, or a fuckton of redbull, a la Jess ;) I need to require more of myself. I keep looking for the inspiration and the motivation from those around me because it helps.

What inspires and motivates you to chase your dreams?

Hearts...

I have so much to write about but no time to write it! I had an amazing weekend in Sydney, one I will take my time and post blogs for as I find time. I am moving house this week so things are hectic and I am not sure when I will get time to do it. But it'll come. Promise!!!

I did want to make time to write about the thing that struck me most on my weekend in Sydney. I have a friend, she's already been through a lot in life. She lost her best friend to a horrible invasive cancer, and she has the most adorable boy, and he's so sick. I had breakfast with her Saturday morning, and we got chatting for quite a while. She's an amazing woman.

Today would have been her best friends birthday, I don't know if that makes this post good or bad timing. It's not really either. I just wanted to write about what she is going through now. Her 15 month old son has HLHS, a heart condition called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. You can read a little about it here - it isn't easy reading and I find it hard to get my head around the science and the technical things.

He has half a heart, and it's amazing that he has managed 15 amazing months. I think things are misunderstood a little because he looks so healthy and happy - people tend to forget just how seriously ill he is as a result. When I spoke to my friend about it, trying to understand it and how it effects their every single day, and how she manages... some of the stupidity she faces from people who don't get it... It made my head spin.

What perspective it gives to see someone who copes with this every moment of her waking life. She just goes on. I know she has to, but.. how?? I don't understand a lot about the condition yet but I am reading and I am learning. What I have read is terrifying. Makes me want to do something. I believe that HeartKids is a great organisation to support for families going through this hell. Heart Kids works towards reducing both the incidence and the mortality rates of childhood heart disease. There's one in each state. You can volunteer or donate, support fundraising, buy merchandise, sponsor... There are a myriad of ways. Check them out, and contribute. The families you are supporting need places like these. The children who are going through this and all the operations... they need it.

HeartKids  

Another aside

Firstly, the vegan living is going brilliantly. So enjoying it, and I discovered this Vegan Cupcakes book is available in the form of an iphone app for $5. WINNING. I'm enjoying discovering new ingredients and new ways of cooking still - all stuff my mate Christie had told me long ago that finally clicks into place now. I feel healthy and alive. Yay!!

But, as an aside, I want to send another shout out to my mate, Leanne. She's half way through her chemo now, truckin along like a true champ. But it's starting to hit hard, she's feeling the effects of that poison on her system now, and whilst we know its gotta happen to kill of those pesky cancer cells, sadly it also decimates anything else in it's path. It's pretty unforgiving that way.

She's feeling tired, sick, and pretty craptacular as a result. All part of the cancer road, makes me stabby that she has to run it. As always, she handles it with spectacular grace and wit. She's all kinds of awesome!

Here's my question and please, please, please - if you comment on no other blog today, make it this one - what can I do to help her out? I'm on the other side of the country, so that makes it tricky to say the least. But there must be a present I can send her, or a plan I can form for when she's well again, or something I can do aside from send platitudes and well wishes that while nice, do sweet fuck all in reality. HALP!

No doubt Lea will read this anyway, so it won't necessarily be a surprise, but that might work too. Oi Lea, whaddya need honey child!? Sigh. I love this girl so much. It breaks my heart that she is going through this. Sometimes, I have a wee weep to myself about it, but that's even more useless than platitudes and well wishes so I suck it up and get on with it. Geebus if she can I sure as hell can.

Next weekend, the 12th May, I am volunteering to walk around the Rebels match collecting for Ovarian Cancer Australia, even though I am spending that day lifting and moving house. I know, I know, I'm superwoman, clearly. Point is, it's SOMETHING I can do for Lea, in a round about way. But I'd love to have a greater direct impact on my dear friend. Hit me with your ideas. Go!!

Palooza 2012

A break from the vegan posts today to talk about palooza! WHOOP! Do you remember last years trip? You can read about it here, here and here. And see pics here. That's how epic it was, it took 4 posts to communicate. FOR REAL.

Anyway, annual trip is here again! We waited until May this year because Feb was kinda hot last year and we didn't enjoy the sweatbox Sydney became. The time has come!! This Thursday night we fly out, Anna, Fleur and I on the prowl again. We come home Sunday and we have a billion plans to fulfill in the middle there. I want to check out some vegan stuff, we'll hit Zumbo's again, and we are soo going to Madame Tussauds in Sydney, maybe a skywalk, definitely a massage (already booked, thank you Scoopon!) and I cannot wait to catch up with my Sydney mates again on Friday night!!! We're also considering karaoke Sat night (which means I am considering a bottle or two of vino to myself Sat night...)

I cannot wait to spend some time with my besties again, I love these trips. Fun packed into awesome. BRING IT ON!

My mate, Lea.

I've talked about my friend Lea here before. She's pretty awesome, as I said. Funny as fuck. You know what else? She's brave, and she has grace. She is inspiring, strong, and basically, flat out amazing.

You hear people say these kind of things about their friends sometimes. You hear it tossed about here and there... People call ME strong, but I got nothing on Lea. You have to read this entry in her blog HERE. Please, go read it. Tell her you are blown away by her attitude. Because seriously? She's fucking 30. I am 34, I have 4 years on this girl and I have nothing on her emotional grace. I could never handle this like Lea. But this IS Leanne. This is who she is, who she's always been. Maybe the cancer, chemo and crap that goes with it is just highlighting it better, but this is Leanne. I'm so glad I can call her a friend. I'm so proud that I've always had her back and she's always had mine. Through thick and thin. Good and bad. Hair and no hair. I adore her.

I read that post of hers, and after I was proud, and after I sat here shaking my head at her positivity and brilliant attitude, I had a bit of a freak out. A case of the 'but what if's...' It's the most serious kind of dread and fear you can experience. Been here before. But then I read the post again. There is no way in hell she won't get through this, I can feel it. I can see it. Look at her!!! Look at her not only handle this, but kick its fucking ARSE!!!! So fucking proud. You're a bloody legend, Lea. I love you.

Me

So, I've mentioned before how awesome my friends are, I know. Last night I was feeling left behind. I feel like all my friends have normal lives and are off leading them and I am just... drifting. I was cranky that a friend had plans and couldn't make a movie with me. I spoke to a close friend who reminded me that I could go alone, and that maybe, it might actually be a good thing for me to do. A challenge in the self acceptance I want to nurture. It was very true, and struck a chord. Why is being alone in social situations so scary for most of us? I can shop alone, sure. But talk about seeing a movie alone, or eating at a restaurant on my own and I panic. Why? It is vulnerable, certainly. But we should cherish our time alone, being with ourselves, I'm sure of it. My friend offered this pearl of true wisdom:

It's only when we're truly comfortable with ourselves that we will ever be able to be truly comfortable with someone else.

She's so right. And it's a gift to feel good with your own company. You can always rely on it, you know? Anyway, it turns out that a few friends and my mum and aunt are going to see a movie Friday arvo. But the idea stayed with me, and I wanted to explore it and challenge myself. I feel like this is really important for everything I have been working towards this year and my quest for happy and self acceptance. So I found something else, something I have been talking about on here and in general for months, and I locked in some Italian lessons for myself. 6 weeks worth, 3hours a week. I am nervous and excited! I had texts to buy (thank you every cheap book depository site!) and I am all ready to go come Feb. I'm thrilled too, because one of my besties, has German lessons at the same time so we can hook up for lunch afterwards. This will be great for me, I can feel it.

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done...
Another year over... A new one just begun.

Or, almost. Merry Christmas, friends. Talk about a time for reflection. Moreso than at any other time of the year, we seem to reflect on where we are at around Christmas and the end of the year. I have a lot to think about this year. My heart, my mind and my body have all been through the ringer this year. It has been a real challenge. It was not an easy year, but I feel really excited about the future. Ever since my op, I desperately wanted to make it to Christmas Day. I was so scared I'd have a complication and not be here for it. To have made it through is a massive relief and exciting for me. I was there for RJs birthday, Finns end of school year celebrations, and Christmas. Phew.

For Christmas, Finn asked that we stay home for the day, rather than go and see family and we agreed. It was the best decision, it really was. For the family, and for me personally. We spent Christmas Eve with my family, and it was fun - but hot and tiring. Christmas Day was spent with the kids playing with their toys, eating yummy (and sparse!) food and enjoying time together. That and Wii Sing It Downunder. LOVE.

2012 is going to be an interesting year. I go into it having lost 17kg since October, and I feel great. I still have some niggles that need to settle, but my adventure is beginning. I am curious to see where I am this time next year. I hope I can fit another overseas trip in, and I want to write (though my PhD proposal was rejected for the marks I got when RJ was newborn and Mum was having chemo for cancer, bit unfair but such is life!) If New Years Eve came, and we started 2011 over, would you do the same things again? I have to say that most of it, I would. I'd sure as hell still see NYC! I'd still have this operation. I'd still have worked madly on getting my head straight.

I am grateful for so much.

I am grateful for amazing friends who always have my back, who love me unconditionally, and who support and encourage me every single day. I am grateful for my beautiful children who are healthy, happy, and who want for nothing. They are creative, funny, and smart and so loving. I am grateful for my health, and for knowing it will keep improving as I shed kilos. I am grateful for my family, their support and love. I have so much hope for the future, I have spent a lot of this year thinking about happiness, how t get more, how to be more content and I feel like it is working. I still have my battles to fight, don't we all? But I have come a long way and I know I can keep learning and improving in the years to come. Thats what life is all about. :)

Merry Christmas, and a happy 2012 to you and yours xx

Secret Santa Happiness!

So my adorable friend, Chantelle, over at Fat Mum Slim, organised a huge secret santa for bloggers, mostly here in Australia. It was a mammoth undertaking and one she pulled off with her usual style and flair. I was assigned the delightful Peggy from Cake, Crumbs and Beach Sand. We hit it off instantly over twitter, and I admired her blog and tuned in regularly. In a stroke of funny fate, we were assigned one another as Secret Santa partners. It was a lot of fun, I loved reading Peggy's blog and finding a gift that would mean something to her personally. I won't say here what that gift was, because whilst she has received my package, she's saving it up for Christmas Day to open.

I have no such willpower. My package from Peggy was barely in the door before I was ripping into it. Look how beautifully she wrapped it! A gift in itself, the wrapping!

And boy did she stalk me well. She read of my knee high sock fetish, and she gave me a gorgeous pair, she also read how I adore elephants, and I love love love the statue she put in for me - trunks up! And look at the gorgeous cylinder of pencils! I can't wait to create something lovely with them, I'm going to use them for my gratitude journal. She also sent me a copy of her eBook which is a brilliant self love guide for working mums - go grab yourself a copy, you won't regret it AND until Friday, 50% of all her sales are going to The Smith Family Christmas Appeal. So worthy and you get a brill read at the same time. Win Win!

Thank you Telle and Peggy for making my Christmas so much more joyful. I feel really lucky to have made a new friend in the process, the best gift of all!