Heart

I've been slack blogger lately. Mostly because I've had an awesome time setting up the Two Vegan Girls site with my dear friend, Vik. It's pretty awesome, I am excited about it and where it might go. We've also been busy writing and coupled with school holidays and the usual stuff, life's been a bit busier.

So, time to shift focus again. To be strong. To try and hang in there. Forget the heart and lead with the head for a bit. Concentrate on 2VG, on uni starting in a month or so, and on meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone more often. I feel like I am on the verge of a major life shift. I can choose to go with it, fear and all and see what wonder it brings, or I can stay safe in my familiar though stunted current life. I know which I have to choose, I hope I can find the courage and motivation to embrace it.

It'll be okay.

What are you about?

So, I have no idea what my blog is about. When asked to categorize it, I sort of say 'er.. parenting I guess, although, probably more cooking at the moment. Oh and books, I talk about books a lot...'

In other words, I have NO freaking idea. And just as I start to be concerned about this, and worry that I have no niche and no target, I remember I don't care. I just write about stuff. Stuff I want to talk about. Not many people read it, but that's okay, because it means I can talk about a hodge podge of life in general, and I'm not turning anyone off. Because when I started this blog, blogs were exactly that - a web log. A diary of someones thoughts and experiences. They were not big business, and they were not targeted to specific audiences. That works for me. So, on that note, here is today's hodge podge of everything that smooshes together in my life right now.

Books. I am reading non stop, and was reading a mix of fluff and crime and mystery, but have found myself freaking out too much at the scary books lately, so am on a run of fluffy chick lit at the moment that has escapism firmly planted in its ethos. Bliss. Given I've had this stupid cold/flu thing, it's quite timely.

Writing. Every time I open my... well, I suppose I can call it a story? A book it is not. My writing, anyway, every time I open the file I look at it, feel stupidly overwhelmed, and so promptly close it again. This is Not. Good. Writing. Practice. It's just that it's such a mash at the moment of research, fiction, time sequences are all over the place, and it's quite simply, a big fat mess. My lovely friend, Jess, tells me that the most difficult part of a story happens from 20-30,000 words and if I can get past this hurdle, things will be better. I can see how that is true, I just have no idea how to push through this portion that is the draft from hell.

Food. I'm all about Mexican this week. Because how good is Mexican food?! And it's so freaking easy to vegetarianise (made that word up). Right now in my fridge I have portobello mushrooms, capsicums, and onions marinating in fresh chillies, garlic, lime and lemon juices and paprika and cumin. Helloooo vegie fajitas! And every week I make refried bean burritos and chilli sans carne. So freaking good. So, I was scoping out more ideas for Mexi-Vegi goodness and I have some awesome recipes up my sleeve to try soon. Mexi pot pies, mexi pasta, vego nacho, and this interesting burrito bake that has me intrigued and uncertain, but curious enough to try.

Gertie the great dane now lives in a run for most of the day, she has her own leather couch and all. Spoiled rotten. And she has free runs 3 times a day for a couple hours. Given she mostly sleeps, this seems to work well, and keeps her safe. No more toxins and emergency vet bills. So far. Knock wood.

Parenting is as amazing as ever. I really am so lucky to have scored two of the coolest kids. Finn is 9 and the smartest kid I've ever known. His NAPLAN results were off the chart. Literally. Super smart, and sweet as hell, he's uber nerd like his parents, totally into Dr Who and Minecraft. Love it. Miss RJ is 3 and hilarious. Such a cheeky little bugger, thinks shes hilarious (and usually is). I currently have the worlds biggest Barbie Dreamhouse in my car for her birthday. I want to keep it.

Life... well, life is pretty awesome right now. I am on track with stuff, I have happy texts pinging my phone most days of recent... ;) And I am looking forward to uni next year (enrolled already!) The only thing that could add a touch of sweetener is some more freelance, paid, writing work. So... Get in touch all you editors. I'm a good work. Guy. (Thanks, Lenny).

Picture Credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/40126860/via/abillest

Onward to the future

I made a decision this weekend. I've ummed and ahhed over this one for some time. Some years, actually, and with my youngest starting kindergarten in the new year, the time is now. I'm going back to school. Again. I know, I know, I have an unhealthy addiction to study. I've studied for most of my life. I have a Bachelor of Arts, I started a social work degree, then I did a Grad Dip in Literature which extended into a Master of Arts in Writing and Literature. Then I toyed with the idea of education and teaching, and pondered journalism. And here I am. Again. I applied for a Grad Dip in Journalism yesterday. I have a feeling I may already have a deferred place to accept, I forget now, but hopefully that all sorts out and I can nut it out. If I want to, I can get advanced credit with my writing units and just do 4 units for the journalism part, but might do the full 8 of journalism units, not sure yet.

The thing is that all of my qualifications so far are, well, useless. Sort of. I mean, they are a foundation but they do not specifically meet job criteria. They're a little wishy washy - I loved them, I don't regret going after passions and they've all given a solid base to stick this GD onto and to then go into positions which want specific media qualifications with an extra boost. I'm excited about it. All I know is that I need to write. Whether it is journalism, fiction, creative or factual or a combination of all the above, I need words in my future. Am I too late? Is all but 35 too old to get into this over young hungry grads? I like to think I bring wisdom and experience to it as well, but whether that will be enough, only time will tell.

I may create my own positions, I may create my own work out of it all as well yet. Certainly I have ideas that with the right knowledge could become a future in and of themselves. Life awaits. Watch me go!!!

Being Brave

So I've been seeing a lot of tweets with the hashtag #OpEleanor recently, from my US tweeps. I was intrigued so I read more. Undomestic Diva started an Operation Eleanor campaign. Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as having said that we should do one scary thing every day. Take a risk. In fact the full quote seems to be -



Anyway, it's been interesting to read and watch people on twitter face some fears, or be brave, and tackle things they might not normally. It's a fabulous idea. This was in my mind yesterday when I heard back from the HDR Coordinator at Deakin regarding my potential PhD (see here). I am not a shoe-in, because my research unit wasn't a great mark. At the time I had a newborn, and Mum was doing chemo. It was all I could do just to finish it. But, I am going to go in and talk to her about it and see what she says. I can only try. That said, I am terrified of being approved. I don't know why this scares me so much. I guess because i know how much work would be in it, and I am worried I won't self motivate enough. This is a huge risk, a huge fear to face. ER would be proud!

She also said:



One smart woman, huh? I think I have me a new role model.

Where to start?

It's been a while since I blogged. A lot has happened. I went to America, I fell absolutely in love with New York City and had nowhere near enough time there. I enjoyed LA and I had a fabulous trip in general, but NYC was just head over heels love. I loved Broadway, and saw The Lion King which was brilliant. I loved 5th Avenue, I loved FAO Schwartz, I loved Central Park, I loved Times Square despite all the crushing people. There was so much more I wanted to do but didn't get time for, I'm so glad I decided to do that jaunt! Even the flight was interesting, flying over Colorado mountains and the Grand Canyon. It was really a good trip, and I came home planning to return, someday...

I was pretty homesick and missed the kids dreadfully, I got such a lovely welcome home from them though. So much love and cuddles. Beautiful.

The day after I got home, still jetlagged and out of it, we found my 15 year old and very first fur baby dead on the back deck. He was cold, and starting to stiffen, he'd been there a while. He was drooly and his bladder had emptied as well, so he was covered in ick, but I scooped his still body up and cried and held him anyway. He had been around since I was 18, since 1996, he was my baby. So many memories. He had such a personality. He would go nuts for eggs and - get this - low fat muffins. I don't know why but he LOVED those things and would stand on your head to get them! I was so grateful he had waited for me to get home before going. Seems silly, but a comforting thought anyway. I am sure that Hendrix will look after him. Losing two fur babies in one year has been really hard. Both were really special, and part of the family, they were pre kids, pre marriage... all my adult life. It has been tough. I miss them dreadfully. :(

I came home considering intermitting my uni studies as well. I'm not enjoying it, I feel at a point in life of readjustment. Like the world is my oyster and there for the taking... but how to do so? How do i want to? I want to travel more. I want to write... And I feel a strong need to just BE. To stop planning, stop controlling everything in my life and just roll with whatever comes my way. It's hard for a control freak to do that.

I have a writing idea simmering and I am excited about that, just waiting for it to develop itself into more than a vague rumination. it will come in time. I look forward to it. I want to use my spook...

Standing on a precipice

I have 2 weeks left. 2 weeks before life becomes a haze of chaos when I start the Master of Teaching with Deakin. Some of the materials arrived today for the English class. The teaching ones won't be far off. It looks like an interesting course, challenging, but achievable. I'm excited about it, but nervous too. It's been so long now since I was in the workforce, it will take some adjustment. This is why I kept studying all this time, it kept me in the loop and skilled up.

F started grade 2 this week, it seems only yesterday he was starting playgroup, clinging to me, desperately attached and bonded and still a baby, really. It should get easier, that first day, but I still shed a few tears on the drive home. God help me when I take 2 kids for a first day. RJ is starting playgroup at montessori shortly as well, though I will be with her. She started dance classes last week, and F is back at karate this coming week, so things are busy already. Adding study in to the mix is sure going to keep me on my toes.

I will finish my 2 weeks of remaining leisure up with palooza. Sure will be a way to go out with a bang! It's hard to balance being a mother, with being Kelly. But to me, it is so important to be more. I don't want to lose my own identity. I love being a mother, and it is a huge part of who I am, but it doesn't make all of me. I am still Kelly, and I still have my own interests and passions, my own goals and my own life. Going away with friends, studying, writing... This is why when I blog, I blog about all kinds of things. Sure, my kids make up a huge part of it, but I have to make sure I don't lose Kelly. Its crucial.

A friend of mine, Gayle, sent me a message today that totally made my day. She had been reading the blog of one of her favourite authors, and sent me the link saying that she felt I had a similar 'voice' and may enjoy her work. It was flattering and encouraging (and a new author is always gold!) I was thrilled when the first post I read by the author mentioned The Tea Party (think band not politics). Definitely some similarity there ;) It has inspired me to go back to my writing again, to keep plugging away at it, and exploring it. I am trying not to focus so much on the end goal of publication so much as just experimenting with works and enjoying the process. Bliss for its own sake.

Messy week

This week has not been full of frivolity. And life should be frivolous. Or something.

Anyway, between the floods in Queensland and even down here, and mum having her biopsy today, and the kids on holidays going stir crazy with cabin fever from the rain... It's getting a bit stressful. Then things with Uni went arse up. The course I applied for, I received an offer for. Brilliant. But, then they said 'oh no, that's a mistake on the website, you can't do it externally.' SHIT. I have a 2 year old, I cannot do on campus!! Cue meltdown.

Thankfully, I am a stubborn cow. :D I did some more research and discovered the notion of irregular offers. I found the perfect course (naturally, through my beloved Deakin) and so I have put in a request. Unfortunately, it may not pay off unless they have free places next week. I am hoping. Otherwise I have no idea what I will be doing this year. I guess... more of the same?

Anyway, it is Thursday night. I can get through Friday, right? And then roll on the weekend - along with a better weather forecast and a fresh start. Bringing back the happy. PLEASE!?

I'm a master of the universe!

I wrote an email to one of my closest friends this morning, and decided to blog it. Today I am going to my graduation for my Master of Arts (Writing and Literature). I was just reading earlier entries in my blog tagged with masters. lol. I really did struggle to get here!


I have been awake since 4am, just thinking about graduation today, and I have felt really anxious. Its bugging me, I should be excited. I mean, I AM excited as well, but there is anxiety and there is also a LOT of emotion. I think, in writing this, I have an idea why - this degree was my escape through my mums cancer battle. There were nights where I was so fucking scared that I was going to lose her and I just immersed myself in the writing to escape thinking and confronting those thoughts. Mum and I are really close. We talk several times a day, she knows all my secrets. The idea of losing her, if not to the cancer then just her mortality at all, was terrifying. One day, in her chemo cycles - chemo can affect you in terms of making you vague and out of it - I took the kids to visit for the day. Mum was playing with Finn, I had RJ in the study, settling her for a nap. The smoke detector went off, which happens for burnt toast there so I didn't react, it is a sensitive alarm. Suddenly, I heard my Mum just screaming... and thought to myself, 'oh man that's serious screaming' so I bolted out and I saw an eerie red glow, and then realised that the kitchen was on fire. She had left oil on the stove and it had caught. She forgot it was on. Chemo.

Anyway, she was standing there screaming for my dad who was outside somewhere. I had to take over, I just told her to get Finn out so she told Finn to go get my dad, Finn was 5!!! So he is running outside scared and crying calling for his pa... Mum was still screaming for Dad and just panicking, and the kitchen was still on fire. I said to her GO OUT AND COMFORT FINN. And I (thank GOD) found their fire extinguisher and start fighting this stupid fire, which when I squirted it, seemed to jump everywhere and make it worse. I started to freak out a little but just kept squirting the hell out of it all. I got it out just as dad came racing in. The smoke was so thick so quickly, and I remembered RJ was in the study, so I told dad it was out as I literally ran and got RJ out and then went and found and checked on Finn and calmed him... it was the single most terrifying moment of my life. It was an awareness that mum wasn't mum, that she had cancer, that this was reality. It was fucking awful. I had to take valium that night to sleep I was so distressed.

This is irrelevant, and yet not. I think, in graduating, I'm letting go of a bit of denial, and now that mum is okay, its still this confronting scary thing and letting go of a comfort or distraction or a denial is a little scary. Am I making any sense? I guess it is as though the masters was a bit of a security blanket because it blocked dealing with things. Now I have to give it up and its great... but scary too? And obviously, IVF was tough, pregnancy was intense, having a newborn is tough, and I did this degree through those too. So many times I wanted to give up. It took me almost a year longer than it should have. But I toughed it out, and I did it. And here I am. I'm proud of me, for this, more than anything else I have ever done. Big day. Overwhelming.


So, through a mix of emotions, today is a big one. I loved the study required to get me this qualification, I really, really, loved it, I feel I found my passion, it was a bonus that it helped me cope with other stuff - I am sure it is the same for many. So, yes I am tooting my own horn and bragging today, but I promise it won't last TOO long... Stay tuned to see how I am rewarding myself for the slog!

Here 'tis.

'Nuff said!

Masters = Done!

Ka loo Ka lay! Its finished, done, dusted. All that is left is to print and bind and post and masters is SUBMITTED. Ohhh the relief!

So it was late, I am so proud that I got it done through IVF, an IVF pregnancy, birth, newborn and Mums diagnosis and treatment... I STILL got the fucker done. I am going to do my head in for a few weeks now waiting for a mark. Honestly, if I just pass I will be stoked. I think I will. But then, I am actually unsure if and how I will be penalised for the lateness so we'll see I suppose!

I came up with a name for the fiction that I am happy with, and I think it is only fitting it is also an album name (TTP of course!) given the hours of music that I listened to writing. I am so over looking at it so i am just going to do one final read through then print!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exegesis is not an exegesis

How can I find a style guide on writing my exegesis when technically an exegesis is a bible essay thing? Why does my unit call it an exegesis then? And if it isn't actually an exegesis, what is it? It is not an essay if sub headings have been recommended. Is it a report? It doesn't contain data though. What the hell???!!!

Sorry...

Been ages between entries. So Miss RJ is here and is the devil in disguise... Finn was such an easy baby by comparison. Shes a bit of a bugger, lucky she is cute! She also has my big blue eyes, though hers are almost violet, very pretty. She sleeps not so well during the day but ok at night is the main thing.. she cried. A lot. Screams, even. Finn never did so thats a shock... lol. All good though.

Finns a gem still, honestly, no wonder i wanted more kids with him - he is magic. Smart, sensitive, sweet, funny and adoring of his mum - what more could I want?! He is just brightness that boy!

Been a tough time of it lately. Her carry on, finishing a now very overdue masters, and my Mum diagnosed with breast cancer. Ive never been so stressed or highly strung ever, not even during all the infertility stuff. This is hell lately. We'll get there though, we've no other choice. Strong!!! Ill be strong, I AM strong. And so is my Mum :)

I'm so excited...

...and I just can't hide it!

I got approved into the research unit of my choice for next year! Hurrah! There are pretty strict entry requirements in that you need a Distinction average and formal approval and it took a while to hear back from the unit chair, but eventually I did indeed get approval and my enrolment forms into the Master of Arts (Writing & Literature) are being processed as I type. So exciting!

What this means is 20,000 words, as I chose to do one enormous unit, rather than split it over a year or do smaller ones. So its a challenge, thats for sure. 16,000 words of creative and 4000 critical. It will involved a great deal of discipline to make sure I write often and a lot, not leave it all til late. In fact, I already have an idea that I love, and am beginning to research it thoroughly.

Its a bonus that I have the summer before I officially start to play around with it and see if it develops okay before I commit to it as my idea/proposal. the idea is complicated, but has a lot of potential.

So right now, its back to researching 18th century England (one of a few time periods I need to look at!) Shine ya shoes, guv'ner?

Its all over. For now.

And I am a postgrad! I have finished uni for the year and expect to pass the final assignments without too much stress, and so have satisfied the requirements for the Grad Dip of Literature. Hurrah!!

So when results come out they will process my articulation into the masters with the full advanced standing and I will have just 4 units to complete. I want to do them all in one in a research unit. That will require writing a 20,000 ish word fiction piece and a 4000 word exegesis. I can do that twice over on infertility with the interviews, diaries, and information I already have. But I feel like I should take the opportunity to challenge myself while I have support to do so.

Problem is, what to write about!? I am vaguely inspired, but also sort of not completely so. I have a few ideas, but nothing that is begging me to write. I just don't know what to attempt. I have to submit a proposal soonish to get into the research project, so I need to work it out NOW. I also need a Distinction average across 2 units, so waiting for my Fic B mark with baited breath!

Also, the unit chair that I enrol through, seems to be pushing me toward doing half semester 1 and half semester 2, but I want to do it ALL semester one (also an option); because if the IVF works, any of them; I could be pregnant and with a small babe semester 2! And if it doesn't work, then we could be onto cycle 3 or 4 of IVF and finding it increasingly difficult to cope with. Will see what happens when the prospective supervisor returns and it begins to take shape some more. I will put my case to them then.

I have loved this years study, it has flown. I have learned an enormous amount, and my writing has improved far beyond what I expected. Its been fantastic, I wish that I could keep going with it. The research will be good though. Anyone got some inspiration for me?!

Oh so tired

I am exhausted. Emotionally drained! I have had a sick little boy for almost a week now, and we are all so over it. Nothing worse than him in tears because he is sick of being sick, poor love. Has missed 3 days of school now too and its the last week of term so thats shitful also. Admittedly at times like this I want to yank him out just to keep him well so the holidays are good timing in that sense.

Uni is going okay, I have 4 assignments left for the year (and grad dip will be mine!!!) - I have one in very early stages of info collecting, two half finished and one not even thought about. So not too bad really. Its just reviewing I have to think about now. Only received one mark back, so its a tense time not knowing how I am doing. It won't match last semesters marks, too much more is going on.

I am less motivated after only a 3 week or so break, as opposed to 3 months at years end, I had that tonislitis that knocked me out and have had Finn sick as well. Plus a bunch of other stuff to think about and so on, its just been hectic. No matter, so long as I pass. And I need at least a credit for Fiction to be able to do research to finish off a masters next year.

What else? Not a great deal. Just plodding along :)

Oh my!

So slack!!! Where oh where have I been? Not even anywhere interesting. Just here! Had tonsilitis which was a bastard, then spent ages catching up on house and uni stuff. Doing so-so with uni this semester, certainly not as well as last which is a shame, but life has been busier. Such is life!

My new nephew was born on Fathers Day, he is a tiny little thing, very sweet of course! Finn thought he was great and wanted to take him home. Was kinda hard explaining he wasn't ours to take home and why we didn't have a baby. Hard being the understatement to end all understatements. Hellish. But we're moving on from it all ok.

Friday night we went to the small mans first ever school concert. God, how cute was it!?!? Just gorgeous. I beamed from ear to ear the entire time, so proud!! Just a really cool experience. He was shy and nervous at first, grinning and cheekily waving at us, was into it by the end though, bless! Took some pics but none were great, took video also. Here is a pic though -



Today he and I went and spent a sunny afternoon in Lygon Street eating cake and icecream and catching up with Lalee girl. Was so good to see her, and Finn thought she was "mui loco", rofl. Well.. she is! :P Its why I love her!

Not much else, some... cool decisions and stuff afoot but not getting into it yet. All in good time. So.. anyone want to write a life writing thing for me because I am dreading it. Not real good at that, it is my big worry - for this week anyway.

Argghh!!

Officially freaking out.

I have 2-3 weeks worth of fiction exercises and life writing exercises to do, am supposed to start posting 1000w x 3 reviews in draft form, I have life writing due next week and then other stuff in the 2 weeks following and I am so behind.

I am juggling a sick child, school runs, uni, family stuff, household chores and now I have tonsilitis and I only ever get that when am badly run down and stressed. I could cry!! I am freaking out.

Mum was going to come down tomorrow and take Finn for the day, but she can't, because SIL is in hospital with high BP and just a few days left til having her baby - another stress for me in itself.

I am tired and achey and just want to sleep but have so much to do. J - bless him - has offered to pay to get a cleaner in once a week or fortnight which would be a godsend. So whilst I have been sitting here with sick boy, and too sick to concentrate and spending too much time on Facebook, I thought I might as well do something useful, so have started researching and tracing my family tree. It is so very interesting. More on that next time, must make a start on at least one review draft. :(

Pardon my fainéance

And admittedly, I did look to the thesaurus for that word. To save you hunting, it means I am: n. An irresponsible idler; a sluggard. Fairly accurate wouldn't you say?!

Anyhoo, so where have I been? Nowhere, really. Completely lacking in motivation and with naught to report is all. I am slowly slipping behind in weekly tasks for uni also, and need desperately to catch up but just don't seem to have the time when I DO feel like it, or the inclination when I have the time. This is not good. I did do an exercise for travel, and finished the assignment for same. I have an assignment due each week now for a few weeks and also need to be posting drafts for others. It is a tad stressful to say the least.

Yesterday I became godmother to precious baby Jack, which was pretty cool. It was a good day, and Megs outdid herself in all the finer details (cake, little gingerbread in the letters JACK to take home, she made the gown even, for goodness sake!) One very clever cookie that girl.

So, have I written anything? Not a sausage. Second semester is painful, the difference between 3 months and 3 weeks break I guess. I haven't even started any of the creative pieces for this semester. Sensing a touch of panic? Me too. Need to get these next three assignments out of the way. I swear I will work this week. At LEAST one assignment finished. Promise. Mostly.

And still this entry is scattered! Hopeless!

Master of the Universe!

I was rather excited to discover that the units I have decided on to finish my masters next year, are all available first semester. Initially, I thought I would need to spread the final 4 units over the entire year to be able to do units I wanted to actually do!

So, its all very exciting, though it will be a hectic semester. I am going to do research and reflection (explores the role of research in communications/arts field); an internship (no idea where yet) and a double weighted unit of a research project; which will basically be a creative piece and a related exegesis.

So this time next year, I will be a master of the universe! woot! All rather exciting, really. In the meantime I really need to get bloody writing on assignments that are due in 3 and a bit weeks. Fark.

Fic B week 2 exercises

Prompt: Skin…
Sensual and supple, soft and the power of touch so underestimated.
Skin against skin, the closest we can be. Wanting to be united, but
constrained to this touch.

Summarised: Warm. Powerful.

These ARE themes I am keen to write on. Or perhaps more what I want
my writing to be?



Ecphrasis
Jen looked out across the lake, she wanted to dive in, never to
resurface. It was so still, and so welcoming. She waded in, and
gasped at the cold, but forced herself forward. She turned her face
to the sky then fell backwards, the water catching her in a cold
embrace. She floated, staring at the sky, swirling her arms lazily to
keep her from submerging completely, but toying with the idea,
indecisive.

Summarised: An obsession with death.



What image comes to mind to write on now?
A teenage girl, on her back, in a bath, being held under the water by
a person who is ranting, violent, and psychotic. Her hair is spread
out in that strange floaty way, but she is not struggling against her
attacker. Her eyes are open.




Had some good feedback on them already, so that's encouraging. Why do I write violence and a sense of unease well? I always feel far happier with something like the above than I do when I try to write humour, romance or anything else.