Hectic chaos is great!

Life is busy, and I am loving that. For too long I have watched life go by but from the sidelines. I think it might be an energy level thing, but now I am really getting out there.

I've been on dates, I've been taking the kids places, I've organised Italian lessons and dog training for my new pup (due to arrive Feb 23). I have lego kits, art kits and books piled up to read. I am writing again. I am exercising more and feeling great.

I can't fit a gym time or exercise time in easily, because I have the kids until late and from early. I can use the rowing machine, but it stirs my sore shoulder so I am trying to walk more. It's a good one for my hips and tummy anyway, so I need to fit that in more. perhaps late evening I can swing it more.

So anyway, life is crazy busy, school goes back next week so that might help a routine settle but I am enjoying the chaos. Life is short! Live it!

Me

So, I've mentioned before how awesome my friends are, I know. Last night I was feeling left behind. I feel like all my friends have normal lives and are off leading them and I am just... drifting. I was cranky that a friend had plans and couldn't make a movie with me. I spoke to a close friend who reminded me that I could go alone, and that maybe, it might actually be a good thing for me to do. A challenge in the self acceptance I want to nurture. It was very true, and struck a chord. Why is being alone in social situations so scary for most of us? I can shop alone, sure. But talk about seeing a movie alone, or eating at a restaurant on my own and I panic. Why? It is vulnerable, certainly. But we should cherish our time alone, being with ourselves, I'm sure of it. My friend offered this pearl of true wisdom:

It's only when we're truly comfortable with ourselves that we will ever be able to be truly comfortable with someone else.

She's so right. And it's a gift to feel good with your own company. You can always rely on it, you know? Anyway, it turns out that a few friends and my mum and aunt are going to see a movie Friday arvo. But the idea stayed with me, and I wanted to explore it and challenge myself. I feel like this is really important for everything I have been working towards this year and my quest for happy and self acceptance. So I found something else, something I have been talking about on here and in general for months, and I locked in some Italian lessons for myself. 6 weeks worth, 3hours a week. I am nervous and excited! I had texts to buy (thank you every cheap book depository site!) and I am all ready to go come Feb. I'm thrilled too, because one of my besties, has German lessons at the same time so we can hook up for lunch afterwards. This will be great for me, I can feel it.

Setting goals

Way back in 2008, before IVF brought me my darling RJ, I had some goals. I called it my post IVF dream-scape. I think it is time to revist those.

Travel remains a high priority. I have made progress on this, certainly, and intend to add Europe as soon as possible.

Writing also needs more work. I have progressed, but I need to commit to it regularly. Like a job, I can't just do it when the mood strikes (or it won't get done).

Returning to language lessons. this is still a strong desire. Italian, or French? Italian is my love (and likely my next travel destination) but Finn is learning French so that'd be cool, too. Thoughts?

Post grad study... I was doing teaching. I'm considering deferring for a bit whilst I decide what I want to do for sure.

Cameras - I have mums old DSLR which is pretty awesome. It has a crack on the lens, though, which in certain lights, puts a smudge on photos.

I could totally do the dark room thing in this house. There is a funny cupboard under the stairs that would be perfect, though it's not ventilated, I am certain it is workable. This is something to investigate ASAP. I would LOVE to develop photos of my own!

Added to this list is spending more time with the kids and with my friends. This makes me happy.

AWOL

Apologies for my extended absence. Life has been exceptionally busy of late! I went to my beloved America, and I loved her. It was an amazing trip in so many ways, so very life changing. It certainly has given me a travel bug and itchy feet (which both sound

like I need a cream or something, but are Very Good Things!)

It was good to come home, but it was difficult. I would love to return. Some day...

Things have been difficult since the separation with J. It's hard in a lot of ways, but i still believe it was the right thing to do.

Right now, I want to focus on me, and filling my life with things that I love. Things that make me happy. I am investigating a bunch of things... I set my desk up again, and am getting back into the writing daily habit. I am investigating Italian classes - or dra

gging out my books and teaching myself again. I am investigating cooking classes, book clubs, theatre groups... Trying to find something that will enrich my life, that is realistically within reach (literally, close enough to home) and affordable, and that is the right timing (missed term 2 start). I'll keep looking.

It's time for me.

All images from http://weheartit.com/

The post IVF dream-scape

Not that I am being negative, but I am beginning to think about life after IVF, this could be whether it is successful or not. I feel that having plans and dreams in the works will help when that time comes, particularly should it not be successful.

So, things I want to further pursue when I have my own time, money and resources back again:

* More writing, independent of uni deadlines - pure self motivation and determination!

* Consideration of still more post grad study (librarianship)

* Travel, starting within Australia, then heading abroad

* Return to Italian lessons

* Invest in good cameras both digital and film

* Create my own dark room and develop my own stuff - a lost art!


It is certainly a very rich life to envisage, an exciting one at that. I don't feel like giving up on the IVF at all, I am coping well and quite happy to see out our commitment of this year, but after that, I think I will be ready to move on and put all that behind us for good.