Here's a hornets nest for you...

Sunday, June 17, 2007

The topic of termination/abortion. Its a doozy, wouldn't you agree?

I swing all over the place on it. I have friends who have had to make that choice, and I don't think less of them for it, of course I don't. How can I know til I am in those shoes right? Finns conception was not ideal... J and I had split, I had a job and a plane ticket and was outta here... But the thought of not having my little man about... far out. The world would miss out.

Because of my infertility, though, it becomes REALLY hard. I see my closest friends go through hell, IVF after IVF, invasive procedures, hospitalised and in agony with over stimmed ovaries and stuff... friends who cannot conceive and cannot afford to try any longer so have to accept a childless or imperfect family make up.... people who have beautiful hearts and would make amazing parents... Would give a limb to be able to have what others terminate.

I don't begrudge people in awful choice-less (or all but) circumstances that option, not at all. But some use it when "oops, withdrawal method not so reliable.." well no shit. Or "oops, can't really afford a plasma AND a baby so.." that to me is wrong. Thats a life with hopes and dreams and who could give so much to the world... I struggle.

I don't express pain well. Geez that has been told to me a few times. I am too angry apparently. Some people, when they feel pain, will cry or will tell people they are crying or desperate or upset. Other people like this, because they enjoy the role of comforter. They like that its "easy" to address or help. They're selfish in their giving comfort, they like what they can handle, mostly.

I don't do that. I get angry. I lash out and I swear and rant and rave. People don't like that, and they don't realise it is an expression of pain, they see it as someone who is being mean or nasty or whatever. They can't step outside their square - and even when directly told, they still say nope, not worthy of my concern, doesn't fit my criteria. Too angry. Can't handle that one! So, should I not say anything, at all, and bottle my grief, or do I let it out in the only way I know how?

And if I do, does that make me evil? Bitter, sure, I accept that. But a horrible person with blatant disregard and immaturity? I don't think thats fair.

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