RJ was a ratbag yesterday. Wouldn't eat her lunch or dinner, 'no' was the word of the day... So when she asked to sleep in my bed last night, I wasn't jumping at it. Then again, I am a sucker, and I agreed. Let me tell you, there is nothing sweeter than having her fall asleep, her hand gripping my little finger tightly. I lay there in the dark, remembering all those negative pregnancy tests, all the invasive procedures, the humiliation of it all, the lack of dignity, every needle, every dollar, every disappointment over 5 long years. At the time, it was hell. Now, in the face of this sweet babe, it diminishes and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat for moments such as these. To say she was worth every moment is an obvious understatement.
When people ask my greatest achievement, the clear answer is my kids. But in all honesty, it's hard not to choose something that you obtain after such a rough, long, hard slog. When you put yourself out there for that humiliation and pain over and over, and you keep fighting and believing that someday, eventually, it will pay off. It's blind faith. It's sheer stubbornness. Determination. Those 5 years were agony. The 3 before F hard as well. But I did it. I got these two amazing angels who love me unconditionally. Who call me Mama with love. Who make my heart burst. Not everyone has a journey to parenthood as difficult as I did, I used to envy them. I don't anymore. Now I know that my journey has given me the most enormous appreciation and value for these kids. Every moment is cherished. Thats a gift that you can't put a price on.