My nest is emptying a little

I'm scared. There. I've said it. Scared may even be an understatement. Here's the backstory - I tried for almost 3 years to conceive my son. Eventually, I did so, and he is my precious firstborn. He's now 9, and in grade 3, time is flying by at a pace I cannot keep up with. We started trying for a second child when he was just 6 months old, knowing how long it had taken to get him, and aware the same challenge may present itself. In fact, it was worse. It took five long, pain filled years, rounds of clomid, of artificial inseminations, of giving up altogether, then of IVF and finally, finally, my beautiful daughter was conceived and came into this world. She is turning 4 next month. You know what that means, right?

It means next year she is off to kindergarten. 15 hours a week there, before beginning school in 2014. And I... I can hardly bear to think of it. That sounds dramatic, but you must understand how longed for my babies were. How much I have valued every second that slips past faster than I can grab onto it. How much I enjoy their company. When RJ was just two months old, my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. That first year of her life was a blur of chemo, surgeries, and fear. Not to mention the masters thesis that I had to write and submit. Mum is now three years cancer free, my masters is completed, and my baby girl is about to start leaving the nest.

I don't know how to prepare myself for this. Just thinking about it makes tears well up on my eyes and my heart pound. I know I am overreacting and I know I will adjust. God help me when they leave home. I am going back to school next year, so that will help me stay busy while she is gone. I have the Two Vegan Girls project to invest myself in. I just know I will feel like I am missing a limb when my little sidekick is no longer here beside me, permanently. It will be okay... right?? :(

Operation Eleanor

So, a friend of mine Undomestic Diva, last year started a challenge for the month of November: Do one thing every day that scares you. It's back on again this year. Inspired by Eleanor Roosevelt, this challenge is both simple and terrifying. Really. How willing are you, to step outside your comfort zone? It's hard. It's really, really, hard. But it's also incredibly rewarding in a way that you can't imagine until you do it.

It takes a lot of courage. But I am going for it again. November is the month of being brave. Let's go. November 1, I saw a post on facebook, a winery I once stayed at and loved was asking for staff. I was terrified. I haven't worked since being a SAHM to my kids, but this suited and so I thought 'be brave, have courage' and I called them. So I am going in on Saturday to talk it through.

Nov 2, something that has been on my mind for a few days nagging at me, kept pushing. It was then I read Undomestic Diva's post, and it gave me the courage to go from thinking to doing. You know, all my life i have put 110% into my relationships. I give so much more than I get. That's okay, if only I were getting just half of that back. I've been giving so much to another relationship recently, and it's just not coming back. I keep being pushed away, and even friendship is a big ask. When I left my husband and again when I had weight loss surgery - these were enormous decisions that basically came from saying, you know what? I deserve more. I am worth more. I believe in me. I can say unequivocally, that this recognition came from the edge. The very edge of believing I was worth nothing at all. Somehow, I found something to believe in in myself, and so I made those hard choices. What would it say now, if I were to ignore my worth again? It would all be for nothing. I don't want all that pain and hard work to have been for nothing. So, I stood up again, gave my inner self a big hug and said "I believe you deserve more" and I said as much to this guy. It was hard, because the insecure me - which is most of me - is scared. What if? And being alone, is horrible. But is only vaguely being with someone any better, truly? Especially if I feel undervalued and unappreciated? If he's not even sure he wants to be with me? Deep down, I think so, but it hurts. It hurts a lot. Do one thing every day that makes you afraid.

Op Eleanor is amazing. If you join, there's a twitter hashtag to follow - #OpEleanor, and you can follow Undomestic Diva and read along with her blog as well. Maybe just taking the leap to say "I'm going to do this' is your first scary thing?

The compelling case of #JillMeagher

What is it that so compels us in the Jill Meagher case? People go missing all the time yet these particular set of circumstances have most of us enthralled and genuinely emotive. Why?

If you're truly unaware, Jill Meagher is a 29 year old woman from Ireland now living in Melbourne with her Irish husband. In the early hours of last Saturday morning she attempted to walk the short distance from a bar to her home but along the way she vanished. She's not been heard from since. Police released CCTV footage showing her in conversation with a man who looks alarmingly like a man other women reported harassment and abduction attempts by. Her handbag was found 2 days later in an obvious spot police had already scoured. Missed or planted?

It doesn't look like good news. It's terrifying. Makes my skin crawl. I'm not much older than her. I've gone out in that area and been drunk there. Is it the 'could easily have been me' element that grips us so? The mystery of it? The fear is genuine. I feel my stomach tense when I read about this. I feel true dread and worry for this woman I've never heard of before.

Something about it is gripping us psychologically. There is a lot if judgement at the fact she walked home alone but don't we all live by the default setting of 'it can't/won't happen to me'? I've walked streets alone at night. Intoxicated. Silently scolded myself for the risk in the light of sober day. It's just 5 minutes. I do it all the time. I'll be fine there's people around... Plenty of traffic... And yet.

Women get unwanted attention from men a lot. Being approached on the street at that hour by a man wouldn't be unusual. And Jill is a pretty woman. I don't want to speculate but chances are she was rolling her eyes and just hoping he would give it up and she could go on her way. Not initially suspecting real danger. Using her phone to prevent him further engaging her. Who knows though? Only Jill.

Perhaps that's what gets to us here. That many of us have had unwanted encounters that maybe leave us feeling a bit unsafe but we rack it up to part of life and go on with it. Except Jill can't. Where is she?

I don't want to allow something like this to change how I conduct a night out or how I feel about walking unaccompanied at night or anytime. But it does. I feel less safe. I feel far more cautious and fearful. It infuriates me that I've been made feel this way by some bastard who has done this. Remember those 'reclaim the night' women's marches? No way. Not reclaimed. Taken further away.

I hope the police get a breakthrough in this case soon. I hope Jill is found alive. I hope this increases our awareness of what's going on around us - to us or others in our vicinity. I hope this feeling of mass fear and intimidation doesn't last. I hope that we don't lose hope.

Crimestoppers 1800 333 000 

Courage & Confidence

So, how does one get them? I would really like to know, is there a formula I can follow? There must be. I need this stuff.

Do you know how many courses I have agreed to, often paid for, and then not gone because of shyness? A lot. Likewise parties and social engagements and things of that nature. Because I am so freaking shy that it is painful. People sometimes laugh when I tell them I am shy. They don't believe me. Thing is, if I know you, then I am not at all shy! I am comfortable and loud and secure. But getting there takes enormous courage and it often fails me.

I was just invited to a friends birthday party next month. It's at a funky bar in Melbourne, and it sounds like a lot of fun. I'd love to go, I really would. But already I feel nervous and scared of not knowing people aside from the birthday girl who will be busy, of not knowing the bar or where I am going, of what to wear, of how to act... Already I feel fear. I don't want to back out of these situations all the time. I need to challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone more often. What am I scared of?? :(

How on earth do I even begin to work on this? I want to be more social, I want to meet new people and have new experiences. I just don't know how. I don't know that I can. Help?

Jan & Feb resolutions

Remember here and here I talked about my resolutions for each month and what I wanted to aim for? So far, so good.

For January, I took a weekend away for the kids, and had a blast. We went to the movies, swimming, a magic show and lots of shopping. Was such a nice time! We went to the cinema again later that week, and Finn starts movie school for a week this week. I would say that is a big fat ACHIEVED for that item.

I also wanted to keep a gratitude journal, and every night I enter about 5 sentences per day about what happened that day that made me happy or challenged me or that made me feel good. It's such a good way to be in the moment and appreciate the smaller things and I truly believe that is the secret to happiness.

Next month I start my Italian lessons for 6 weeks. I am so looking forward to it - not just for the beautiful language and the thrill of learning, but also because it means I get to be in the city which I love, and one of besties that lives in the city and I are going to catch up for lunch as often as we can manage. I don't see as much of her as I want to, so I am so excited about that part of it as well.

I also organised tackled something else on my secondary list for February as intended. I bought some art kits. I want to learn to paint, so I got an acrylics set and a charcoal drawing set on the way. I have zero artistic talent. Minus talent, even. But I think I'll enjoy it even if it looks crap. So, that excites me as well.

I've challenged myself personally this month as well, in terms of relationships, and it has been difficult, but true to myself and that's only ever a good thing. Add to this the 19kg of weight I have lost and the nose ring I have gained and I feel excited about the person I am becoming.

2012 feels good. I am finding myself fast and it's incredibly exciting.

Resolutions and Getting a life.

I've been thinking lately, that my life seems sort of empty. That sounds awful. I don't mean empty exactly, just... quiet? I rely on other people too much and I need to find things to fulfil myself. I need to fill life with hobbies and interests, I think. It's scary. I'm not sure I have the confidence to do it. I found this great blog with a good tip on how to start. Here it is -


List 20 activities that you have enjoyed over the last ten years. For example, going to the seaside, having friends over for dinner, walking in the country.
List 10 activities that you do not do, but think you would like to pursue.


Make yourself a promise now to do one activity from each list in the next month. Write down what you will have to do to fit in these two new activities.
Developing new interests requires a positive approach. Even if things do not work out, you need to be able to tell yourself, “It’s not a failure because I’ve learned something”.


Research has shown that if we have no hobbies or interests to absorb and challenge us, we tend to get stressed, depressed, discouraged, and bored. If we are not careful, a vicious circle can develop in which the less we do, the more miserable we feel, and as we become more unhappy we are less willing to take risks and take up new activities.


1. Taking the kids out
2. Seeing musicals
3. Learning a language
4. Seeing friends
5. Writing
6. Holidays close to home
7. Travel overseas
8. Nights out with friends
9. Cooking
10. Movies
11. Study
12. Self awareness and improvement
13. Working
14. Beauty therapies (mani, pedi, massage)
15. Gaming
16. Shopping
17. Live music
18. Bushwalking
19. Lego
20. Reading


1. Painting
2. Acting
3. Horseriding
4. Boxing gym
5. Darkroom photography
6. Gratitude journal
7. Dog training
8. Meditation workshop
9. Book club
10. Vegetable garden

For January I am going to start a gratitude journal, all that requires is 5 minutes each evening before bed, and I already have this great journal for the purpose. From my other list, I am going to take the kids out. It's school holidays, they will be going insane and so will I. We went to the zoo not long ago, and scienceworks as well, so I think I need to find something new for them. Perhaps Werribee Zoo.

For February I will be starting my Italian lessons, and from list B, I'm going to pursue growing vegetables myself. Tomatoes, cucumbers... Yum. Here goes nothing... :)

Intuition

in·tu·i·tion   [in-too-ish-uhn, -tyoo-]
noun
1. Direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.

Intuition, gut instinct, real truth, divine guidance... call it what you will. Truth is, something of that nature exists. Is it coincidence, or a fabrication of the mind, perhaps? I don't think so, but some would. Sometimes, I can tune into it easily, others it is far more difficult, or impossible altogether.

I know when I have struck on it, it's feeling that's hard to describe. I go from chaos in my mind, anxiety, worry, and fear to a settled feeling of KNOWING something is true and right. It's never failed me. Good and bad. When I think about my surgery next week, I have only good instincts but geez they can be hard to locate and cling to. My mind gets in the way. It doesn't stop me freaking out.

I sort of feel as though my mind is getting desperate this week and throwing every trick at me it can muster. Sabotage, sore stomach returning, boredom... It's as though it is in freak out mode that am actually going ahead with this. It's hard to cope with, because I am constantly fighting a battle with my own mind and trying to keep it on a leash. It WILL be okay, it IS the right thing... Breathe...

This op is a pretty big deal, it'll take quite a while to recover, and I don't know what it'll mean for my every day future. I just know I'm out of choices. I need help. It's this or an early grave. I hope it turns out to be the best thing I ever did. Time will tell.

I have to remind myself, as the past has proven, when I feel scared or nervous, I must focus on my intuition. It never lets me down.

Being Brave

So I've been seeing a lot of tweets with the hashtag #OpEleanor recently, from my US tweeps. I was intrigued so I read more. Undomestic Diva started an Operation Eleanor campaign. Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as having said that we should do one scary thing every day. Take a risk. In fact the full quote seems to be -



Anyway, it's been interesting to read and watch people on twitter face some fears, or be brave, and tackle things they might not normally. It's a fabulous idea. This was in my mind yesterday when I heard back from the HDR Coordinator at Deakin regarding my potential PhD (see here). I am not a shoe-in, because my research unit wasn't a great mark. At the time I had a newborn, and Mum was doing chemo. It was all I could do just to finish it. But, I am going to go in and talk to her about it and see what she says. I can only try. That said, I am terrified of being approved. I don't know why this scares me so much. I guess because i know how much work would be in it, and I am worried I won't self motivate enough. This is a huge risk, a huge fear to face. ER would be proud!

She also said:



One smart woman, huh? I think I have me a new role model.

Insecurity

I'm insecure. Seriously. In a big, big, way. There are lots of reasons for this, I could likely trace them back a long way, but it's mostly adult experiences that have led me to be this way. It's an awful feeling. It invites paranoia, low self-esteem, and sadness. It's full of fear.

Fear is the worst emotion a human being can feel, in my opinion. It's so invasive. I think that every negative feeling and emotion we experience can always be traced back to fear. One way or another. How do you fight fear?

I recently read a book written by Brené Brown, called The Gifts of Imperfection. It was such a brilliant book, so much that I thought I was alone in thinking, I discovered I wasn't. I quote - "Most of us have experienced being on the edge of joy only to be overcome by vulnerability and thrown into fear. Until we can tolerate vulnerability and transform it into gratitude, intense feelings of love will often bring up the fear of loss."

It just spoke to me. I yesterday ordered this book. I always shunned the entire self help industry and felt it was for pathetic types. How fitting a lesson that I turn to it myself now, but I need to work on this. My issues of trust, insecurity and most of all, fear, need to be worked on and erased for good. I don't want to live in fear anymore.

Fear

Awake since 4am. Can't sleep. Got a text from a friend last night mentioning she may be looking at breast cancer.

And here we go again.

I'm hopeful it is not. It's not a definitive dx yet. But it's dredged more crap up.

How do you ever shake the fear of it returning? Every 3m mum sees the oncologist. She just had her first post cancer mammogram (clear!!) and she sees the surgeon again soon as well. They keep very close watch, for this I'm grateful.

But sometimes, like when I wake at 4am, I'm gripped by this incapacitating fear. It's overwhelming. It won't return. Right?

Sam's gone missing!!!

Scary times here this week, Sam went missing. Who, I hear you ask, is Sam? Sam, is (obviously!) the name given to a helium balloon that F bought home from a birthday party on the weekend. He drew a face on him, and dubbed him Sam the grandfather. Sam was okay, at first, bumping his head on the ceiling and bouncing about happily. Everyone was happy, Sam was smiling, F bear was smiling and I watched warily, knowing Sam would soon deflate into that scary zone.


Sure enough, Sam started to lose his puff. He reached that eerie drifting, halfway to the ground lurking stage that feels me with fear and amuses F to no end. "LOOK!" F screams at the same time as Sam appears in my line of vision, next to my head, all stealth like, and I leap into the air squealing, making F giggle crazily - like a mad inventor proud of his evil creation.


The drama began when F came in a few hours later, asking where had Sam gone??? I laughed nervously, "what do you MEAN where is he gone, he was RIGHT HERE a minute ago". We looked around, Sam was nowhere to be seen. He was at my head height, he should not be easy to miss. Where the hell had he gone? We had heard no popping, we could see no earthly remains of Sam on the floor. It was as though he had simply disappeared.

We methodically went from room to room, looking for his pink bobbing head - nothing. I felt genuine anxiety build in me as I frantically went from one end of the house to the other. Where WAS he?! Would he appear next to me again from nowhere?! Was he doing this to mock me?! WHERE THE HELL HAD HE GONE?!!?!?! Part of me began to suspect Sam had somehow worked out my silly fear and was taunting me, my anxiety rose further. Several laps of the house had not yielded his evil pink head.

Finn was puzzled and decided it was time for action. He began to tape missing person signs up around the house. Proactive. Thats my boy.


I was sure I had begun to literally run around in circles now, how can he just be GONE? I couldn't understand it, and my fear began to feel genuine and real. I started to giggle, "I have a fear of helium balloons!" I cackled. F looked at me oddly. Okay. STOP I told myself. Calm. Breaaaaathe. Finn was still taping his 7th missing person sign to the wall (7 in only 2 rooms of our house, no less) and I forced myself to get a grip and instead of glance-looking for his pink head at my head height, I actually looked, properly, in each room. "He must be somewhere, logically, he cannot disappear. This is not a movie. He has not been possessed. He is here, somewhere. Just find him. Before he finds you."

Eventually, F heard me shrieking, Sam was found. He had been squirreling himself away in the toy box of his own accord. I think he knew I was onto him so gave himself up in truth. F was thrilled. Sam was back where he ought to be. I was pleased he had deflated below head height, the end was nigh for Sam.

F went about the house, and with great satisfaction, put a giant X through each of his 7 missing person signs. Peace was restored. And I plotted the notion of pricking Sam with a wee pin so his demise was accelerated a little. Take THAT creepy balloon.

Creepy silent stalkers you ought be aware of...

Laugh if you must (and everyone else does so you might as well!) but I fear some fairly "different" things. One I have had for as long as I can remember, is whales. Snicker if you will, but I find them creepy. They are so... big. And in water. Come on! Kind of like underwater ships (big ships are also just wrong). Yes, I do realise that on land, I am quite safe from their squealy Oooo-oooo noises and drifty silent stalkiness. You must see it!?!?! Just you wait, the day they grow legs and come after us land dwellers I shall be saying I told you so.

Further to this creepy underwater silent stalker type, is my other fear. Fear is perhaps too strong a word but, these things make me distinctly uncomfortable. Helium Balloons. But not the ones floating in the sky, accidentally let go, or bouncing against a roof, and not those deflated and lifeless on a floor either. It is that in between stage. You know the one I mean. The half deflated point where they sort of drift, at head height, around the room, silently. You are sitting, minding your own business when OH MY GOD! The half deflated balloon appears out of the corner of your eye, hovering next to your face like a silent stalker. Scaring the absolute crap out of you and making you jump and scream like a little girl. It is extremely eerie. It ought to be compulsory that someone suck the helium out of them at this point and amuse me with their voice squeakiness. This is the only solution I can see, to end this madness.

Just how uncomfortable these balloons make me was bought home to me recently, stay tuned for my next entry to see what happened when "Sam" went missing at our place...

Pregnancy stuff.

Thank you for the comments on my last post, I am sure each of you is right. Jaydee, I wonder WHEN that click over happens... I keep waiting for it! Kirsten, it is interesting you mention about ART and PND. I have always felt the two must have a close relationship, it just makes sense to me in many ways. I feel this time I am more likely to have AND and be depressed in the pregnancy, the after is what I am hanging out for. The pregnancy bit is just scary. Belinda, that is it exactly - waiting for something to go wrong and why? Because it always did with infertility. Even with the IVF our results were crappy in and of themselves in terms of egg viability etc... So I have come to expect things going wrong!

For example, I have started feeling very light and vague movements, not always certain its not a muscle twitch, but pretty sure most times. So after a particularly active day for babe Monday, it was very quiet Tuesday. I freaked right out. I spent all day and half the night (literally, until 3am) pushing and prodding my stomach, playing loud music to my stomach, desperate for ANY thing. My tum felt softer than usual, so babe was clearly at the back, but despite all logic, I just could not relax and accept it was okay. I cried for hours. Luckily, I had a scheduled doctors visit the next day (yesterday) and the doppler found a heartbeat almost immediately - of course. But even then, there was a little voice in my mind making what ifs (was it really the baby's heartbeat or something else...) I am sending myself insane.

Monday is our big deal 19w scan. Of course, another point for anxiety. In fact, I think thats why I freaked out the other night because I KNEW that the doppler was coming out the next day and Monday is scan day, and so knowing there were checkpoints ahead brings out the anxieties. So I am sure logically, Monday will probably go okay, but that doesn't seem to ease my fears. I have to try very hard to reign them in as best I can. Imagine if it goes well, I could actually almost begin to enjoy this! :O

I can feel my excitement building, I keep putting a lid on it though, I have to stop that. Finn certainly liked hearing the heartbeat yesterday, he was excited enough for all of us, bless!

Pregnancy after Infertility

I am currently during my latest pregnancy freak out, so bear with me. By freak out, what I mean is, worrying something will go wrong or has gone wrong undetected etc... It seems to happen after I start to get too close to believing it is real and enjoying it. Suddenly I find myself worrying and being scared and playing AC/DC through headphones to my stomach, even though I am not a fan, just because its loud, to get baby moving... And I have figured out why it is so. It may be obvious to everyone else, but it took a while to filter through the fear... Its that whole "this is too good to be true, something must be about to go wrong" thing. "This doesn't happen to us" etc.

I feel like its all a game. It doesn't feel real, its still are we are we not... even though I am almost 17 weeks now. It just feels like its all this maybe fun silliness, not real. When will that click over? Will it? I found myself in the midst of worrying last night (even though I had felt movements) hugging Finn, fighting back tears and thinking "I always have you kiddo" thoughts, which is what I used to do with negative tests and the like... I should be past that now, I shouldn't be thinking that way anymore. Am worried that the baby will arrive and I will be hit by this big scary unprepared for the reality shock and get PND or something. Was talking to J about it, and he is confident at some point in the next 23 weeks it will click, and I will believe it and so on. I hope so. Its still so scary, I wanted to enjoy it and instead I find myself either worrying, or wishing it away (eg I will feel better at the 6 week scan.. the 12w scan... when I get movements.. when the movement is more defined... past 26 weeks... etc etc). Need a big slap perhaps? Its just not the exciting and wonderful experience I sort of naively expected. I love it, but I spend most of it utterly terrified - and thats not fun! Need to just suck it up and get over it and force myself to be more positive.