There once was a girl faced with an enormous challenge. A mountain of bricks and rubble stood in the road and there was no way to get around them. No alternate routes. She had to make her way through.
First she had to decide if getting to the other side was worth it. Couldn't she just stay this side perhaps? But she knew on the other side was a beautiful oasis and she wanted that peace and fulfilment.
So she started to move the rubble. Brick by brick. Her hands cut and she tired often. She'd rest a little then get back to work. Sometimes she'd move the wrong brick and cause an avalanche of rubble making her cry out in frustration but still she persisted.
Sometimes people would happen upon her. Some would give her a wide berth, thinking her a bit odd for bothering. Others would offer to help but get sick of it fast and leave her to it. Some would observe and offer suggestions or give her tools to help her in her task. None worked by her side with her. She did it for herself.
At the half way point she threw down a brick in disgust. She had made amazing progress but she still had so far to go. Moving that first brick had been a huge deal. Believing she could do it. But she doubted now that she could finish the task. She'd learned a lot about how to shift things, where to put them and how to make it easier on herself. But could she really be bothered to keep going? Maybe she should be happy with this achievement alone. Maybe this was as much as she deserved. The oasis was for special people. Was she special? Could she even do it? Or should she just quit while she was ahead? Maybe this was as much as she could hope for, and getting through just was not something she was capable of?
Or did she indulge that little voice deep inside that whispered to keep going, that believed she could and would do it. And moreso, that she deserved it. How could she ignore what told her the opposite? Maybe for lack of any other real decision she would keep going, just to see how far she could get. Just to make sure she had pushed herself as far as she truly was capable. Just to see...
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
I am not who I was, any longer.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
The last 5 years I have been through the sort of changes most people might go through over a decade or more. It has been seriously intense and as it dawns on me just how much I have changed, I feel this weird mixture of excitement and fear.
5 years ago I was about to fall pregnant with my second child, I weighed a LOT, I was married (albeit unhappily), and Mum was beginning her cancer battle. Now I am 40 kilograms lighter, my second child is off to kinder, I am separated, Mum is well, and I am a vegan. We could be two different people. For 10 years I have been a full time mum, and letting that go and knowing this is it, is a scary feeling. What do I do with myself now??? Sure they still need me and will for a time yet, but it's not the same, independence has begun. I am the most alone I have ever been. In lots of ways. Friends are heading in different directions with pregnancies, babies, houses... I am sort of out here in the wilderness.
I see this as an exciting time, but it is unsettling and nerve wracking as well. There is a part of me that has a desperate urge to disappear for a bit. All these changes, the failed dating, the confused mind, the emotional weight of my babe heading out into the world - it's exhausted me. I have this need to shut down, switch off and hide in my cave for a while. Of course practically that's pretty much impossible.
What I have done, is book myself a night away. Just one night, but at least it's something. Some space, some time out. As an introvert, I recharge by being alone. I am never really alone for long, though I guess with real kinder hours beginning next week I will get some time. Everything feels chaotic, like a whirl of thoughts I can't quite grasp, unsettled and unstable. It's intense. I don't quite know how to handle it.
End ramble.
Heart
Friday, January 25, 2013
I've been slack blogger lately. Mostly because I've had an awesome time setting up the Two Vegan Girls site with my dear friend, Vik. It's pretty awesome, I am excited about it and where it might go. We've also been busy writing and coupled with school holidays and the usual stuff, life's been a bit busier.
So, time to shift focus again. To be strong. To try and hang in there. Forget the heart and lead with the head for a bit. Concentrate on 2VG, on uni starting in a month or so, and on meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone more often. I feel like I am on the verge of a major life shift. I can choose to go with it, fear and all and see what wonder it brings, or I can stay safe in my familiar though stunted current life. I know which I have to choose, I hope I can find the courage and motivation to embrace it.
It'll be okay.
So, time to shift focus again. To be strong. To try and hang in there. Forget the heart and lead with the head for a bit. Concentrate on 2VG, on uni starting in a month or so, and on meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone more often. I feel like I am on the verge of a major life shift. I can choose to go with it, fear and all and see what wonder it brings, or I can stay safe in my familiar though stunted current life. I know which I have to choose, I hope I can find the courage and motivation to embrace it.
It'll be okay.
Farewell 2012
Monday, December 31, 2012
It seems like only yesterday I was reflecting on 2011. This year has gone super fast. It was a busy one, that's for sure.
I've lost another 27 kilograms (60 pounds) this year, a total of 40kg (88p) since my surgery. It feels amazing. I still have a belly I need to lose which will take exercise. Exercise is still my nemesis, and a psychological block exists there that needs to be broken down. Still, I've lost an entire Finn, so to give him a piggy back and realise I used to carry that all day everyday is a pretty awesome comparison. My body is under so much less stress now and there is no question I have prolonged my life by doing this. It makes it easier when food gives me grief or I am having a rough eating day.
This time 12 months ago I had long hair, 1 tattoo, no piercings other than my ears, and I weighed 27kg more. Now I have shorter hair, 2 tattoos and a nose piercing, and am lighter. I feel every day I become truer to who I am and how I express that. It's an amazing feeling.
In 2012 I worked bloody hard at self esteem and self worth. Damn hard. SO hard. I came a very long way. So many things rattled me as I was vulnerable to them but I forged ahead. Again I have a way to go but comparing now to 12 months ago I have come so far it blows my mind. I no longer have a deep seated self hatred and disgust at who I am. I like me - inside and out. And that's a massive change. Next comes self love?
I made and lost friends in 2012 and while each loss shook me (and said esteem) and rattled me and caused me to question myself, each one also cemented who I am and the reflection and self doubt led to more certainty and awareness of myself, and can only be a good thing. The friends I have are not just friends. They are ones I'd trust my life to. They are the real deal. They are more like family. I am so incredibly lucky to have them and it's something I try never to take for granted.
Speaking of family, it went a bit pear shaped this year. My brother and I, who have had a fairly rocky relationship, are no longer in any contact and haven't been since July. I miss my niece and nephew but this is a far better choice for me.
I guess my blog highlights the most impacting change I made this year in my eventual - slow but sure - progress to adopting a cruelty free lifestyle and a vegan diet. It was an on and off road, I struggled and took my time to understand some of the new food options but I was determined. It meant too much to me not to keep trying and exploring it. I am now firmly entrenched in vegan living and nothing has made me happier. It feels wonderful, and it's who I am, inside. In my day to day life, I don't know or interact with any other vegans, except online. It can be isolating at times, and can feel like no one really understands me, although they all try and are considerate of my decision. Attending events like World Vegan Day and the Carols by Barnlight at Edgars Mission were profound and exciting. Being amongst like minds felt like a relief. I could just be me, no justifications, no defensiveness, just accepted and understood. Pretty powerful stuff. I need to expose myself to more of that. The supports I have online are amazing. In fact, I suspect in 2013, things are going to expand and take off again in this area as my good friend Vik and I have so many ideas for our 2 Vegan Girls venture. I am so inspired and excited about it!
My gorgeous Great Dane Gertie came to live with me, and we had a rough year. Poor love was diagnosed with dodgy kidneys and her life span went from 8y to 2y in an instant. It hit hard. She also had 2 incidents of poisoning which scared the hell out of me, but several thousand dollars later, she's still here, and still a giant, beautiful, sook. How I adore her!
We moved house in May, and have a huge block now for kids and animals to run wild. We added rabbits to our menagerie and aside from adjusting to the dreadful cold of winter in a house with high ceilings and a wood fire, it's pretty cool. My children continue to delight me. Finn is smart and wise and hitting preteen stuff at a rapid rate, scaring the bejeesus out of me at how quickly he is growing. RJ is a wicked delight, constantly making me laugh and cringe all at once. Preparing to have both of my children out of the home for a significant portion of the week with school and kinder terrifies me. I have been a stay at home full time mum for 9 years now and this is it. No more. It's scary and makes my heart hurt a bit. I know I will adapt, but it's going to be a rough ride.
I can't close out the rehash of 2012 without mentioning the major highlight. Something happened this year that I never imagined would, that is a dream come true, quite literally. I met the most inspiring and influential musicians - my absolute hands down all time favourite band: The Tea Party. Their music changed my life, changed how I view music and what it can be in life. That they reunited was major enough, but that they came to Australia and I saw them twice, and met them - was able to shake their hands and thank them... Fuck me. That blows my mind, still. What beautiful guys they are, I am so excited to see what 2013 brings for them and for me by extension in listening to what they create. Nothing topped that moment. It was amazing! Telling the guy on the door "no, not a competition winner, JB put my name down..." Nothing cooler. Nothing.
So, what of 2013? I feel like the critical thing to work on next year the same way I tackled esteem this year is laziness. No more having ideas but avoiding actioning them. Write. Create. Move. I know I can do this! No more getting in my own way. Exploring more veganism issues, studying again, and continuing to blossom into the truest Kelly I can be feels exciting. Let's go!
Happy 2013 to you and yours xx
I've lost another 27 kilograms (60 pounds) this year, a total of 40kg (88p) since my surgery. It feels amazing. I still have a belly I need to lose which will take exercise. Exercise is still my nemesis, and a psychological block exists there that needs to be broken down. Still, I've lost an entire Finn, so to give him a piggy back and realise I used to carry that all day everyday is a pretty awesome comparison. My body is under so much less stress now and there is no question I have prolonged my life by doing this. It makes it easier when food gives me grief or I am having a rough eating day.
This time 12 months ago I had long hair, 1 tattoo, no piercings other than my ears, and I weighed 27kg more. Now I have shorter hair, 2 tattoos and a nose piercing, and am lighter. I feel every day I become truer to who I am and how I express that. It's an amazing feeling.
In 2012 I worked bloody hard at self esteem and self worth. Damn hard. SO hard. I came a very long way. So many things rattled me as I was vulnerable to them but I forged ahead. Again I have a way to go but comparing now to 12 months ago I have come so far it blows my mind. I no longer have a deep seated self hatred and disgust at who I am. I like me - inside and out. And that's a massive change. Next comes self love?
I made and lost friends in 2012 and while each loss shook me (and said esteem) and rattled me and caused me to question myself, each one also cemented who I am and the reflection and self doubt led to more certainty and awareness of myself, and can only be a good thing. The friends I have are not just friends. They are ones I'd trust my life to. They are the real deal. They are more like family. I am so incredibly lucky to have them and it's something I try never to take for granted.
Speaking of family, it went a bit pear shaped this year. My brother and I, who have had a fairly rocky relationship, are no longer in any contact and haven't been since July. I miss my niece and nephew but this is a far better choice for me.
I guess my blog highlights the most impacting change I made this year in my eventual - slow but sure - progress to adopting a cruelty free lifestyle and a vegan diet. It was an on and off road, I struggled and took my time to understand some of the new food options but I was determined. It meant too much to me not to keep trying and exploring it. I am now firmly entrenched in vegan living and nothing has made me happier. It feels wonderful, and it's who I am, inside. In my day to day life, I don't know or interact with any other vegans, except online. It can be isolating at times, and can feel like no one really understands me, although they all try and are considerate of my decision. Attending events like World Vegan Day and the Carols by Barnlight at Edgars Mission were profound and exciting. Being amongst like minds felt like a relief. I could just be me, no justifications, no defensiveness, just accepted and understood. Pretty powerful stuff. I need to expose myself to more of that. The supports I have online are amazing. In fact, I suspect in 2013, things are going to expand and take off again in this area as my good friend Vik and I have so many ideas for our 2 Vegan Girls venture. I am so inspired and excited about it!
My gorgeous Great Dane Gertie came to live with me, and we had a rough year. Poor love was diagnosed with dodgy kidneys and her life span went from 8y to 2y in an instant. It hit hard. She also had 2 incidents of poisoning which scared the hell out of me, but several thousand dollars later, she's still here, and still a giant, beautiful, sook. How I adore her!
We moved house in May, and have a huge block now for kids and animals to run wild. We added rabbits to our menagerie and aside from adjusting to the dreadful cold of winter in a house with high ceilings and a wood fire, it's pretty cool. My children continue to delight me. Finn is smart and wise and hitting preteen stuff at a rapid rate, scaring the bejeesus out of me at how quickly he is growing. RJ is a wicked delight, constantly making me laugh and cringe all at once. Preparing to have both of my children out of the home for a significant portion of the week with school and kinder terrifies me. I have been a stay at home full time mum for 9 years now and this is it. No more. It's scary and makes my heart hurt a bit. I know I will adapt, but it's going to be a rough ride.
I can't close out the rehash of 2012 without mentioning the major highlight. Something happened this year that I never imagined would, that is a dream come true, quite literally. I met the most inspiring and influential musicians - my absolute hands down all time favourite band: The Tea Party. Their music changed my life, changed how I view music and what it can be in life. That they reunited was major enough, but that they came to Australia and I saw them twice, and met them - was able to shake their hands and thank them... Fuck me. That blows my mind, still. What beautiful guys they are, I am so excited to see what 2013 brings for them and for me by extension in listening to what they create. Nothing topped that moment. It was amazing! Telling the guy on the door "no, not a competition winner, JB put my name down..." Nothing cooler. Nothing.
So, what of 2013? I feel like the critical thing to work on next year the same way I tackled esteem this year is laziness. No more having ideas but avoiding actioning them. Write. Create. Move. I know I can do this! No more getting in my own way. Exploring more veganism issues, studying again, and continuing to blossom into the truest Kelly I can be feels exciting. Let's go!
Happy 2013 to you and yours xx
Can you help me?
Monday, November 26, 2012
To say I am an emotional person is to say the Grand Canyon is kinda big. I feel everything intensely. A cause I believe in? I am all in. Relationships? I love with my entire heart, give it all and am loyal to a fault. This is not normal, and naturally I rarely get the same sort of thing in return, and that can lead to innrer turmoil, despite logically understanding it's me that is not normal in what I give.
When you feel everything so deeply, you can imagine too, what negative emotions can be like. I feel fear and hurt so deeply it becomes devastating. And self hatred? If there is a hell, that's what it feels like.
It's pushed people away. Some I am glad to see go (after all, if they can't empathize and accept my faults, then they're not the people I thought they were, or want in my life anyway) others I regret seeing leave.
I don't know how to be any other way. I've fairly been called intense, over the top, melodramatic. It's not by choice, I just literally don't know how to bring emotions back to a manageable level. I don't know how to keep things in control. God knows I have tried. The only thing that's ever enabled me to think logically and not react emotionally, is a heavy painkiller that numbs things. That's hardly a sustainable way to live.
So what do I do? How do I fix this? How can I live a little less from my poor heart? Help me.
When you feel everything so deeply, you can imagine too, what negative emotions can be like. I feel fear and hurt so deeply it becomes devastating. And self hatred? If there is a hell, that's what it feels like.
It's pushed people away. Some I am glad to see go (after all, if they can't empathize and accept my faults, then they're not the people I thought they were, or want in my life anyway) others I regret seeing leave.
I don't know how to be any other way. I've fairly been called intense, over the top, melodramatic. It's not by choice, I just literally don't know how to bring emotions back to a manageable level. I don't know how to keep things in control. God knows I have tried. The only thing that's ever enabled me to think logically and not react emotionally, is a heavy painkiller that numbs things. That's hardly a sustainable way to live.
So what do I do? How do I fix this? How can I live a little less from my poor heart? Help me.
Vegan is not a dirty word
Thursday, November 22, 2012
What's going on, friends? What have we done to the word 'vegan' to create a stereotype that sees people shut down before we can even begin to speak about it?
From what I can gather in my interactions, vegans appear to have a reputation as militant and judgemental. And that our food is boring and raw and healthy and not at all tasty.
I AM HERE TO CHALLENGE YOU! On all counts! Last night I went out to dinner with friends. I ordered fries, one ordered pizza and the other a big steak. As our meals arrived, the steak eating friend said she felt bad eating it next to me. I said 'it's fine, don't worry." The pizza eater said "it's okay, Kelly's a good vegan." A good vegan. I laughed and asked what that meant - "you don't beat us with statistics and examples of why it's bad all the time."
Interesting. I can't see it appropriate at all for anyone, to sit down to a meal with friends and lecture them on their food choices. I post links on facebook, I talk about ethics and health on my blog, I put the information out there, but I try not to lecture. Sometimes I border on it, but I try hard not to. I feel like I have to try extra hard because of the vegan stereotype.
What is interesting is that for me, the two major influences on my adopting a vegan lifestyle, two close friends who are both vegan, were not at all stereotypical in this sense. I have had no experience of such vegans. I've met only kindness, understanding, patience and helpfulness. I guess the old adage you win more flies with honey than vinegar (or whatever the fuck that saying is) is apt here.
I'll happily challenge the food stereotypes too, my goal is to show you can be vegan and not miss out on anything. The fact that I've managed vegan peanut butter and chocolate pie, schnitzels mash and gravy, and a number of other indulgent dishes shows that you can have comfort foods, junky foods, tasty foods and live a life of kindness and compassion to all species - it's not all quinoa and flaxseed. Promise!
From what I can gather in my interactions, vegans appear to have a reputation as militant and judgemental. And that our food is boring and raw and healthy and not at all tasty.
I AM HERE TO CHALLENGE YOU! On all counts! Last night I went out to dinner with friends. I ordered fries, one ordered pizza and the other a big steak. As our meals arrived, the steak eating friend said she felt bad eating it next to me. I said 'it's fine, don't worry." The pizza eater said "it's okay, Kelly's a good vegan." A good vegan. I laughed and asked what that meant - "you don't beat us with statistics and examples of why it's bad all the time."
Interesting. I can't see it appropriate at all for anyone, to sit down to a meal with friends and lecture them on their food choices. I post links on facebook, I talk about ethics and health on my blog, I put the information out there, but I try not to lecture. Sometimes I border on it, but I try hard not to. I feel like I have to try extra hard because of the vegan stereotype.
What is interesting is that for me, the two major influences on my adopting a vegan lifestyle, two close friends who are both vegan, were not at all stereotypical in this sense. I have had no experience of such vegans. I've met only kindness, understanding, patience and helpfulness. I guess the old adage you win more flies with honey than vinegar (or whatever the fuck that saying is) is apt here.
I'll happily challenge the food stereotypes too, my goal is to show you can be vegan and not miss out on anything. The fact that I've managed vegan peanut butter and chocolate pie, schnitzels mash and gravy, and a number of other indulgent dishes shows that you can have comfort foods, junky foods, tasty foods and live a life of kindness and compassion to all species - it's not all quinoa and flaxseed. Promise!
#269
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Another busy week has ended, I finally have a life back again, at least until the pre xmas and RJ birthday rush begins in December. Yesterday was Finn's school fete, worked my arse off the past month making more Harry Potter stuff as I did for his party, to sell at the fete - at least this time I had help from another mum at school, and we killed it. Brilliant success! And, as you saw, on Friday, I had a birthday. What a year. Wow I have come a long way. I was just looking at a video taken 12 months ago and was gobsmacked at the changes both outside and in. I have hope for my life again, you can't imagine how that must feel. From despair, hopelessness and just existing to hope, passion and excitement about the future. Enormous. Exciting!!!!
So, I wanted to talk about my favorite birthday present this year. It's my new tattoo.
What does it mean? Well, in the simplest way to explain it, 269 was a tag on a calf sent to slaughter, it became representative and provided individuality to the millions that go through this all the time. It's personalising the cause, I suppose. You can read more about it on this link and this one. For me, it serves as a reminder for my passion and beliefs, and for where I want to be. The V is for vegan, and I will keep going. I feel more strongly than ever that pursuing a vegan lifestyle is what I want to do and need to do. This provides an opportunity to promote that as well, as I explain what it means when people ask. Giving a voice to the voiceless is becoming more and more important to me every day. I'm excited to have that reminder on my skin now forever. Solidarity!
So, I wanted to talk about my favorite birthday present this year. It's my new tattoo.
What does it mean? Well, in the simplest way to explain it, 269 was a tag on a calf sent to slaughter, it became representative and provided individuality to the millions that go through this all the time. It's personalising the cause, I suppose. You can read more about it on this link and this one. For me, it serves as a reminder for my passion and beliefs, and for where I want to be. The V is for vegan, and I will keep going. I feel more strongly than ever that pursuing a vegan lifestyle is what I want to do and need to do. This provides an opportunity to promote that as well, as I explain what it means when people ask. Giving a voice to the voiceless is becoming more and more important to me every day. I'm excited to have that reminder on my skin now forever. Solidarity!
Happy Birthday, me.
Friday, November 16, 2012
So, it's my birthday. I'm 35. I wasn't feeling good about turning 35, it just felt like I'd reached a crest and am now on the other side. From youngish to Middle Aged. Closer ever closer to the big four-oh. But, it sure beats the alternative. If I'm not aging I'm dead!
When I think about my life and look at the bigger picture, there's so much to be grateful for. There's so much to love about being me. I challenge myself endlessly for self growth and am making some pretty awesome leaps and bounds. Physically and mentally I'm a different person to the me of 12 months ago and I'm really proud of that.
I spend my life in the company of the most amazing friends anyone could imagine. The people in my life are not just people to pass time with or good mates. They are inspiring. They are real. They care about me and they cheer me on. They cry with me they celebrate with me and they genuinely care about my life and my happiness. I'm so lucky to have so many of those people in my life. It's overwhelming. I'm so grateful. From all over the world, my friends make my life so special every single day.
And my children. Who couldn't feel good about a life with these two in it?! My reserved, smart, sensitive, son who feels things so deeply and just wants to please. My funny, feisty, happy sunshine daughter who makes me giggle daily. So different to one another but so bloody amazing. They're my life. They're my reason. I'd do all the hard painful parts of my life over and over if it meant they are mine. I'm incredibly lucky to have them.
I've a friendship strengthened by blood bond with my mum and sister that fills me with a deep sense of belonging and happiness that comes from knowing I'm understood. Truly understood. I talk to mum every single day. She knows all my secrets and loves me completely. Nothing tops that feeling.
I have things I believe in passionately. Causes, creative ventures, things that make my soul sing and hum. I vibrate with life. I'm happy. I'm 35.
When I think about my life and look at the bigger picture, there's so much to be grateful for. There's so much to love about being me. I challenge myself endlessly for self growth and am making some pretty awesome leaps and bounds. Physically and mentally I'm a different person to the me of 12 months ago and I'm really proud of that.
I spend my life in the company of the most amazing friends anyone could imagine. The people in my life are not just people to pass time with or good mates. They are inspiring. They are real. They care about me and they cheer me on. They cry with me they celebrate with me and they genuinely care about my life and my happiness. I'm so lucky to have so many of those people in my life. It's overwhelming. I'm so grateful. From all over the world, my friends make my life so special every single day.
And my children. Who couldn't feel good about a life with these two in it?! My reserved, smart, sensitive, son who feels things so deeply and just wants to please. My funny, feisty, happy sunshine daughter who makes me giggle daily. So different to one another but so bloody amazing. They're my life. They're my reason. I'd do all the hard painful parts of my life over and over if it meant they are mine. I'm incredibly lucky to have them.
I've a friendship strengthened by blood bond with my mum and sister that fills me with a deep sense of belonging and happiness that comes from knowing I'm understood. Truly understood. I talk to mum every single day. She knows all my secrets and loves me completely. Nothing tops that feeling.
I have things I believe in passionately. Causes, creative ventures, things that make my soul sing and hum. I vibrate with life. I'm happy. I'm 35.
My nest is emptying a little
Saturday, November 3, 2012
I'm scared. There. I've said it. Scared may even be an understatement. Here's the backstory - I tried for almost 3 years to conceive my son. Eventually, I did so, and he is my precious firstborn. He's now 9, and in grade 3, time is flying by at a pace I cannot keep up with. We started trying for a second child when he was just 6 months old, knowing how long it had taken to get him, and aware the same challenge may present itself. In fact, it was worse. It took five long, pain filled years, rounds of clomid, of artificial inseminations, of giving up altogether, then of IVF and finally, finally, my beautiful daughter was conceived and came into this world. She is turning 4 next month. You know what that means, right?
It means next year she is off to kindergarten. 15 hours a week there, before beginning school in 2014. And I... I can hardly bear to think of it. That sounds dramatic, but you must understand how longed for my babies were. How much I have valued every second that slips past faster than I can grab onto it. How much I enjoy their company. When RJ was just two months old, my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. That first year of her life was a blur of chemo, surgeries, and fear. Not to mention the masters thesis that I had to write and submit. Mum is now three years cancer free, my masters is completed, and my baby girl is about to start leaving the nest.
I don't know how to prepare myself for this. Just thinking about it makes tears well up on my eyes and my heart pound. I know I am overreacting and I know I will adjust. God help me when they leave home. I am going back to school next year, so that will help me stay busy while she is gone. I have the Two Vegan Girls project to invest myself in. I just know I will feel like I am missing a limb when my little sidekick is no longer here beside me, permanently. It will be okay... right?? :(
It means next year she is off to kindergarten. 15 hours a week there, before beginning school in 2014. And I... I can hardly bear to think of it. That sounds dramatic, but you must understand how longed for my babies were. How much I have valued every second that slips past faster than I can grab onto it. How much I enjoy their company. When RJ was just two months old, my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. That first year of her life was a blur of chemo, surgeries, and fear. Not to mention the masters thesis that I had to write and submit. Mum is now three years cancer free, my masters is completed, and my baby girl is about to start leaving the nest.
I don't know how to prepare myself for this. Just thinking about it makes tears well up on my eyes and my heart pound. I know I am overreacting and I know I will adjust. God help me when they leave home. I am going back to school next year, so that will help me stay busy while she is gone. I have the Two Vegan Girls project to invest myself in. I just know I will feel like I am missing a limb when my little sidekick is no longer here beside me, permanently. It will be okay... right?? :(
Operation Eleanor
Friday, November 2, 2012
So, a friend of mine Undomestic Diva, last year started a challenge for the month of November: Do one thing every day that scares you. It's back on again this year. Inspired by Eleanor Roosevelt, this challenge is both simple and terrifying. Really. How willing are you, to step outside your comfort zone? It's hard. It's really, really, hard. But it's also incredibly rewarding in a way that you can't imagine until you do it.
It takes a lot of courage. But I am going for it again. November is the month of being brave. Let's go. November 1, I saw a post on facebook, a winery I once stayed at and loved was asking for staff. I was terrified. I haven't worked since being a SAHM to my kids, but this suited and so I thought 'be brave, have courage' and I called them. So I am going in on Saturday to talk it through.
Nov 2, something that has been on my mind for a few days nagging at me, kept pushing. It was then I read Undomestic Diva's post, and it gave me the courage to go from thinking to doing. You know, all my life i have put 110% into my relationships. I give so much more than I get. That's okay, if only I were getting just half of that back. I've been giving so much to another relationship recently, and it's just not coming back. I keep being pushed away, and even friendship is a big ask. When I left my husband and again when I had weight loss surgery - these were enormous decisions that basically came from saying, you know what? I deserve more. I am worth more. I believe in me. I can say unequivocally, that this recognition came from the edge. The very edge of believing I was worth nothing at all. Somehow, I found something to believe in in myself, and so I made those hard choices. What would it say now, if I were to ignore my worth again? It would all be for nothing. I don't want all that pain and hard work to have been for nothing. So, I stood up again, gave my inner self a big hug and said "I believe you deserve more" and I said as much to this guy. It was hard, because the insecure me - which is most of me - is scared. What if? And being alone, is horrible. But is only vaguely being with someone any better, truly? Especially if I feel undervalued and unappreciated? If he's not even sure he wants to be with me? Deep down, I think so, but it hurts. It hurts a lot. Do one thing every day that makes you afraid.
Op Eleanor is amazing. If you join, there's a twitter hashtag to follow - #OpEleanor, and you can follow Undomestic Diva and read along with her blog as well. Maybe just taking the leap to say "I'm going to do this' is your first scary thing?
What are you about?
Monday, October 15, 2012
So, I have no idea what my blog is about. When asked to categorize it, I sort of say 'er.. parenting I guess, although, probably more cooking at the moment. Oh and books, I talk about books a lot...'
In other words, I have NO freaking idea. And just as I start to be concerned about this, and worry that I have no niche and no target, I remember I don't care. I just write about stuff. Stuff I want to talk about. Not many people read it, but that's okay, because it means I can talk about a hodge podge of life in general, and I'm not turning anyone off. Because when I started this blog, blogs were exactly that - a web log. A diary of someones thoughts and experiences. They were not big business, and they were not targeted to specific audiences. That works for me. So, on that note, here is today's hodge podge of everything that smooshes together in my life right now.
Books. I am reading non stop, and was reading a mix of fluff and crime and mystery, but have found myself freaking out too much at the scary books lately, so am on a run of fluffy chick lit at the moment that has escapism firmly planted in its ethos. Bliss. Given I've had this stupid cold/flu thing, it's quite timely.
Writing. Every time I open my... well, I suppose I can call it a story? A book it is not. My writing, anyway, every time I open the file I look at it, feel stupidly overwhelmed, and so promptly close it again. This is Not. Good. Writing. Practice. It's just that it's such a mash at the moment of research, fiction, time sequences are all over the place, and it's quite simply, a big fat mess. My lovely friend, Jess, tells me that the most difficult part of a story happens from 20-30,000 words and if I can get past this hurdle, things will be better. I can see how that is true, I just have no idea how to push through this portion that is the draft from hell.
Food. I'm all about Mexican this week. Because how good is Mexican food?! And it's so freaking easy to vegetarianise (made that word up). Right now in my fridge I have portobello mushrooms, capsicums, and onions marinating in fresh chillies, garlic, lime and lemon juices and paprika and cumin. Helloooo vegie fajitas! And every week I make refried bean burritos and chilli sans carne. So freaking good. So, I was scoping out more ideas for Mexi-Vegi goodness and I have some awesome recipes up my sleeve to try soon. Mexi pot pies, mexi pasta, vego nacho, and this interesting burrito bake that has me intrigued and uncertain, but curious enough to try.
Gertie the great dane now lives in a run for most of the day, she has her own leather couch and all. Spoiled rotten. And she has free runs 3 times a day for a couple hours. Given she mostly sleeps, this seems to work well, and keeps her safe. No more toxins and emergency vet bills. So far. Knock wood.
Parenting is as amazing as ever. I really am so lucky to have scored two of the coolest kids. Finn is 9 and the smartest kid I've ever known. His NAPLAN results were off the chart. Literally. Super smart, and sweet as hell, he's uber nerd like his parents, totally into Dr Who and Minecraft. Love it. Miss RJ is 3 and hilarious. Such a cheeky little bugger, thinks shes hilarious (and usually is). I currently have the worlds biggest Barbie Dreamhouse in my car for her birthday. I want to keep it.
Life... well, life is pretty awesome right now. I am on track with stuff, I have happy texts pinging my phone most days of recent... ;) And I am looking forward to uni next year (enrolled already!) The only thing that could add a touch of sweetener is some more freelance, paid, writing work. So... Get in touch all you editors. I'm a good work. Guy. (Thanks, Lenny).
Picture Credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/40126860/via/abillest
In other words, I have NO freaking idea. And just as I start to be concerned about this, and worry that I have no niche and no target, I remember I don't care. I just write about stuff. Stuff I want to talk about. Not many people read it, but that's okay, because it means I can talk about a hodge podge of life in general, and I'm not turning anyone off. Because when I started this blog, blogs were exactly that - a web log. A diary of someones thoughts and experiences. They were not big business, and they were not targeted to specific audiences. That works for me. So, on that note, here is today's hodge podge of everything that smooshes together in my life right now.
Books. I am reading non stop, and was reading a mix of fluff and crime and mystery, but have found myself freaking out too much at the scary books lately, so am on a run of fluffy chick lit at the moment that has escapism firmly planted in its ethos. Bliss. Given I've had this stupid cold/flu thing, it's quite timely.
Writing. Every time I open my... well, I suppose I can call it a story? A book it is not. My writing, anyway, every time I open the file I look at it, feel stupidly overwhelmed, and so promptly close it again. This is Not. Good. Writing. Practice. It's just that it's such a mash at the moment of research, fiction, time sequences are all over the place, and it's quite simply, a big fat mess. My lovely friend, Jess, tells me that the most difficult part of a story happens from 20-30,000 words and if I can get past this hurdle, things will be better. I can see how that is true, I just have no idea how to push through this portion that is the draft from hell.
Food. I'm all about Mexican this week. Because how good is Mexican food?! And it's so freaking easy to vegetarianise (made that word up). Right now in my fridge I have portobello mushrooms, capsicums, and onions marinating in fresh chillies, garlic, lime and lemon juices and paprika and cumin. Helloooo vegie fajitas! And every week I make refried bean burritos and chilli sans carne. So freaking good. So, I was scoping out more ideas for Mexi-Vegi goodness and I have some awesome recipes up my sleeve to try soon. Mexi pot pies, mexi pasta, vego nacho, and this interesting burrito bake that has me intrigued and uncertain, but curious enough to try.
Gertie the great dane now lives in a run for most of the day, she has her own leather couch and all. Spoiled rotten. And she has free runs 3 times a day for a couple hours. Given she mostly sleeps, this seems to work well, and keeps her safe. No more toxins and emergency vet bills. So far. Knock wood.
Parenting is as amazing as ever. I really am so lucky to have scored two of the coolest kids. Finn is 9 and the smartest kid I've ever known. His NAPLAN results were off the chart. Literally. Super smart, and sweet as hell, he's uber nerd like his parents, totally into Dr Who and Minecraft. Love it. Miss RJ is 3 and hilarious. Such a cheeky little bugger, thinks shes hilarious (and usually is). I currently have the worlds biggest Barbie Dreamhouse in my car for her birthday. I want to keep it.
Life... well, life is pretty awesome right now. I am on track with stuff, I have happy texts pinging my phone most days of recent... ;) And I am looking forward to uni next year (enrolled already!) The only thing that could add a touch of sweetener is some more freelance, paid, writing work. So... Get in touch all you editors. I'm a good work. Guy. (Thanks, Lenny).
Picture Credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/40126860/via/abillest
Dismissing mental health
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I just realised that today is World Mental Health Day and it got me thinking. Do you think we dismiss mental health too easily? I guess we are getting better at it, but the stigma persists for many. I know that I never afford myself the same treatment and care when I am feeling stressed out and depressed that I do if I am stuck in bed with a head cold or a bug. I expect myself to just get on with it. Keep going. Expectations are there to be met, and I refuse to allow 'feeling down' to stop me meeting them.
At the same time, when it comes to friends who are feeling depressed or who are battling a variety of anxieties and mental illnesses I am a vocal campaigner for self care and time out. I insist they take the time to address their needs better, I recommend books, doctors, the notion of medication as necessary the same as it is for any other illness.
I have suffered anxiety and depression on and off for years. It's mostly in control, but I don't think it's something that will ever be cured for good. It's just something I manage now with medication, books, and breathing exercises, along with natural alternatives like exercise and sunshine. Some days I just don't want to get up. Some days I just don't want to put on a mask and say all is dandy fine. Some days I want to say I am not okay. I am finding that easier to do. I am finding people quicker to accept and help. Maybe that stigma is fading after all.
I love this idea of developing a Wellness Toolbox. Having some tried and true tools on hand that you know will help, even a little, is a great idea.
Develop a wellness toolbox
Come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. Include any strategies, activities, or skills that have helped in the past. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.
Spend some time in nature
List what you like about yourself
Read a good book
Watch a funny movie or TV show
Take a long, hot bath
Take care of a few small tasks
Play with a pet
Write in your journal
Listen to music
Do something spontaneous
Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
For me, it all comes back to self talk. Challenging my 'what if's' and negative attitudes. It can be exhausting, but it also helps to remind myself that everything comes back to two emotions: love and fear. Finding the fear in the emotions helps me find a way to address it practically, whether it is entirely rational or not. I think it's also important to be kind to yourself, and remind yourself it's okay to struggle sometimes, it will pass, and hug your inner you. Go easy. Remind yourself that this isn't just you having a bad day and you should just get on with it - mental health is a serious health issue and shouldn't be easily dismissed. You'd rug up and get some rest were it a cold, so do the equivalent for depression. No cop outs, no fobbing it off. Accept it, love yourself, and find what helps bring you back - however long it may take.
Furthermore, you're never alone. Friends, family, health professionals, help phone lines, even social media can be invaluable on 'black days'. Make use of it. You're worth the effort.
Need urgent help?
If you or someone you know is at risk of harming themselves or someone else it is important you get help immediately. You can take the first step in doing this by:
Speaking to your doctor (GP or psychiatrist)
Calling the Psychiatric Team at your nearest hospital
Calling Lifeline 13 11 14 or Suicide Helpline (Victoria only) 1300 651 251
If the person is threatening to harm you call the police on 000 (triple zero).
Some tips for getting urgent help include:
Express the urgency of the matter without becoming aggressive
Speak clearly
Give the health professional specific examples of concerns
Give a brief history of self harm or harm to others
Ensure that you listen to their advice
If they are unable to help, ask them why and who you should contact
Source: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=107
Further Help.
Lifeline 13 11 14
http://www.depression.com.au/
http://www.beyondblue.org.au
http://www.sane.org/
http://www.theshedonline.org.au/
http://www.healthshare.com.au/community/health_challenges/depression
At the same time, when it comes to friends who are feeling depressed or who are battling a variety of anxieties and mental illnesses I am a vocal campaigner for self care and time out. I insist they take the time to address their needs better, I recommend books, doctors, the notion of medication as necessary the same as it is for any other illness.
I have suffered anxiety and depression on and off for years. It's mostly in control, but I don't think it's something that will ever be cured for good. It's just something I manage now with medication, books, and breathing exercises, along with natural alternatives like exercise and sunshine. Some days I just don't want to get up. Some days I just don't want to put on a mask and say all is dandy fine. Some days I want to say I am not okay. I am finding that easier to do. I am finding people quicker to accept and help. Maybe that stigma is fading after all.
I love this idea of developing a Wellness Toolbox. Having some tried and true tools on hand that you know will help, even a little, is a great idea.
Develop a wellness toolbox
Come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. Include any strategies, activities, or skills that have helped in the past. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.
Spend some time in nature
List what you like about yourself
Read a good book
Watch a funny movie or TV show
Take a long, hot bath
Take care of a few small tasks
Play with a pet
Write in your journal
Listen to music
Do something spontaneous
Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
For me, it all comes back to self talk. Challenging my 'what if's' and negative attitudes. It can be exhausting, but it also helps to remind myself that everything comes back to two emotions: love and fear. Finding the fear in the emotions helps me find a way to address it practically, whether it is entirely rational or not. I think it's also important to be kind to yourself, and remind yourself it's okay to struggle sometimes, it will pass, and hug your inner you. Go easy. Remind yourself that this isn't just you having a bad day and you should just get on with it - mental health is a serious health issue and shouldn't be easily dismissed. You'd rug up and get some rest were it a cold, so do the equivalent for depression. No cop outs, no fobbing it off. Accept it, love yourself, and find what helps bring you back - however long it may take.
Furthermore, you're never alone. Friends, family, health professionals, help phone lines, even social media can be invaluable on 'black days'. Make use of it. You're worth the effort.
Need urgent help?
If you or someone you know is at risk of harming themselves or someone else it is important you get help immediately. You can take the first step in doing this by:
Speaking to your doctor (GP or psychiatrist)
Calling the Psychiatric Team at your nearest hospital
Calling Lifeline 13 11 14 or Suicide Helpline (Victoria only) 1300 651 251
If the person is threatening to harm you call the police on 000 (triple zero).
Some tips for getting urgent help include:
Express the urgency of the matter without becoming aggressive
Speak clearly
Give the health professional specific examples of concerns
Give a brief history of self harm or harm to others
Ensure that you listen to their advice
If they are unable to help, ask them why and who you should contact
Source: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=107
Further Help.
Lifeline 13 11 14
http://www.depression.com.au/
http://www.beyondblue.org.au
http://www.sane.org/
http://www.theshedonline.org.au/
http://www.healthshare.com.au/community/health_challenges/depression
Changing Kelly
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
My life is such an unplanned mystery right now. I have friends who are happily married, raising kids, planning families, buying homes... But I am heading in a completely different direction. My children are growing. One is at school, one starts kindergarten next year. I have no partner to move forward with. I don't say this in a sad way at all. I'm happy where I am, it's just such a different place from everyone else, and I can't predict it. I have no idea. In some ways, it's actually quite exciting.
When you combine that with how much I have changed in the past few years, it really does feel exciting and new. I feel more certain now, of who I am, and more comfortable with that person. Friendships have changed, some have been lost, some have been strengthened; they're solid and they accept me for me. Brash, honest, passionate and loyal. I'm more confident in my own self, and maybe that's an age thing. Hmm. Wisdom sounds better than age... :)
I'm vegetarian, all but vegan, and I am so confident in that choice. Passionate about it, and it brings a deep seated joy that was unexpected, because I am being true to my values and beliefs.
I've lost 39 kilograms (86 pounds) in the past year, and whilst I have a way to go, I feel so much more alive, have so much more energy, confidence and such better health. I look at the photos of me below and I get emotional. My face is back, chiselled out of the fat that threatened to swallow it. For the first time, I feel beautiful. Feminine. Sexy!
I have no idea what the future brings, but my gut instincts tell me it's going to be worth waiting for. Worth the crap I've waded through to get to. Worth the dodgy men, the surgery, the confronting of who I am and being honest and truthful and authentic in myself. All worth it.
When you combine that with how much I have changed in the past few years, it really does feel exciting and new. I feel more certain now, of who I am, and more comfortable with that person. Friendships have changed, some have been lost, some have been strengthened; they're solid and they accept me for me. Brash, honest, passionate and loyal. I'm more confident in my own self, and maybe that's an age thing. Hmm. Wisdom sounds better than age... :)
I'm vegetarian, all but vegan, and I am so confident in that choice. Passionate about it, and it brings a deep seated joy that was unexpected, because I am being true to my values and beliefs.
I've lost 39 kilograms (86 pounds) in the past year, and whilst I have a way to go, I feel so much more alive, have so much more energy, confidence and such better health. I look at the photos of me below and I get emotional. My face is back, chiselled out of the fat that threatened to swallow it. For the first time, I feel beautiful. Feminine. Sexy!
I have no idea what the future brings, but my gut instincts tell me it's going to be worth waiting for. Worth the crap I've waded through to get to. Worth the dodgy men, the surgery, the confronting of who I am and being honest and truthful and authentic in myself. All worth it.
I am judging you. Probably.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
I recently realised something about myself. I'm kind of judgemental sometimes. This is upsetting because I always thought that I wasn't. I'd see, for example, debates raging on parenting choices and I'd shrug and say "I don't know you and your child, only you know what works for you" and I'd feel almost smug about not judging people.
But recently two things have happened where I have found myself getting upset and judgey mcjudgepants at people. And I don't like it.
Firstly, I get annoyed when people don't display the same levels of friendship or loyalty that I do. Just because I would react in a fiercely loyal way, doesn't mean others have to. I get hurt when they don't, yet it's unreasonable of me to expect they do. It's kinda tough to be honest. I don't know how to handle that at all.
And secondly, if you eat meat, I am judging you for it. Big time. I am trying to accept that people have their reasons for consuming meat and that I can't and shouldn't think less of them for it, but you know what? I do. I can't see any reason that outweighs the suffering and murder of innocent animals. I just can't. There is no reason good enough for me.
I don't know what to make of this new side to me. I don't like it, it's not a pleasant way to be. But it's also difficult to stop myself doing. I guess being aware of it is a start, but from here out, I am not sure where to go with it. Maybe this is a stupid post to hit send on. Now you can all judge me for being judgey?!!
Courage & Confidence
Sunday, September 16, 2012
So, how does one get them? I would really like to know, is there a formula I can follow? There must be. I need this stuff.
Do you know how many courses I have agreed to, often paid for, and then not gone because of shyness? A lot. Likewise parties and social engagements and things of that nature. Because I am so freaking shy that it is painful. People sometimes laugh when I tell them I am shy. They don't believe me. Thing is, if I know you, then I am not at all shy! I am comfortable and loud and secure. But getting there takes enormous courage and it often fails me.
I was just invited to a friends birthday party next month. It's at a funky bar in Melbourne, and it sounds like a lot of fun. I'd love to go, I really would. But already I feel nervous and scared of not knowing people aside from the birthday girl who will be busy, of not knowing the bar or where I am going, of what to wear, of how to act... Already I feel fear. I don't want to back out of these situations all the time. I need to challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone more often. What am I scared of?? :(
How on earth do I even begin to work on this? I want to be more social, I want to meet new people and have new experiences. I just don't know how. I don't know that I can. Help?
Being Me
Monday, September 3, 2012
For the first time in a long while, I am not actively seeing anyone. Soon after my marriage broke down, I had a strange sort of relationship with someone overseas. Emotionally I was very attached, but physically, only twice in 2 years did I even see him. So, it was a little strange, but it also suited to a degree to be low key. Sadly, that was never going to work out, and I was used quite badly in the end. I think that my vulnerabilities were taken advantage of in a pretty awful way. I learned from that. As that broke down I began dating someone closer to home. We dated for 7 months, saw one another every few weeks for a date or a weekend away. It was relaxed and easy and fun. I was jerked around in the end here too, by someone who really didn't know what he wanted, and I should have quit when I was ahead but, me being me, I didn't. I kept trying to do what was right and fair and kind. Largely I think because I was a bit scared to be alone. Because I never really have been. But now I am. I have crushes and interests, but I'm not seeing anyone, and I have no commitments. At first, it felt scary and alarming. But now, I like it - sometimes. I get lonely and that sucks, I get frustrated, and that sucks too. But it's nice just being me. Not worrying about being stuffed around, insecure, loved or not loved, hot or cold. Just being me and doing things I want to do - for me. I'm learning to run, building up my fitness and losing more weight. I'm cooking a lot, experimenting with vegan and vegetarian recipes to extend my tastes and contribute to a healthier me and a kinder world. I'm reading endlessly for my happy and I'm writing for my soul. I bought a ticket to a rock festival and I am so excited for it to come around - music is my muse.
I feel like I am learning more about myself and growing more stable and more independent. I like being me. I like living just for what I want and need (and the kids obviously). Living in the moment and indulging the things that make me me. Some day, I think the guy will come along, or show himself in a light that just works. Maybe it will be soon, maybe it won't. I've stopped feeling desperate to find him though. I'm no longer in a rush. I don't believe in book and movie love. I don't believe in grand romances, not any more. I believe in solidity, security, honesty and trust. I believe in respect and mutual admiration and easy fun. I believe in me.
Your honest self and the honest friend.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Have been thinking so much about honesty lately. How many of us truly live honestly with ourselves? Do we live in denial, avoiding looking at the truth for fear of what it might mean if we do? It may mean making changes in our lives we don't want to make or are scared to make. Taking risks we don't want to take. Admitting things we don't really want to admit. I lived that way for many years. It was easier, to a degree. Living honestly has been a change I made consciously, and it's more of a challenge than I expected. It's cost me friends. It's cost me relationships. Lovers.
But you know what, the reward you get, the deeper reward of how you feel inside is soooo worth it. I can sleep at night, knowing that I am not kidding myself, that the decisions I have made are right for me, and that I am being authentic and true to who I really am. It's worth more than you can imagine.
Sometimes, my honesty offends. I've lost a few friends, who I have confronted over issues out of concern for them - often bluntly... But they've balked at it, and disappeared from my life. At first, I blamed myself. It upset me a lot that they really couldn't see I asked things because I cared for them. Wasn't it obvious that if I didn't give a shit, I wouldn't say anything?! Apparently not. This article by Julie at Beautiful You really helped my awareness begin to emerge. Not everyone will like you, but it doesn't mean you're worth any less. We're all different, we can't gel with everyone!
I beat myself up when I would email or contact them trying to fix the friendship only for it to be ignored. It hurt. A lot. Then I noticed something... These people were negative. They fuelled my own negativity and it's liberating not to see or hear their negative stuff anymore! Now I only need rid myself of my own negative! It was a nice revelation for me to see that this was a good thing. These losses were actually positive for my life. Wow!
I also surround myself with likewise honest people. Honest friends. Not only with themselves, but with me. Sometimes I make a decision and they don't simply say "well done!" like I might want them to. Sometimes they will challenge me on it. Question me, dig to see if I have made the decision honestly, check to see I've not avoided some things - throw those at me to make sure I am not wearing rose coloured glasses. I love this. I need this. It's so valuable to me - and maybe that's why I do it to others, forgetting not every person will appreciate it the way I do.
Why do you think denial is the preferred way of living for so many? It can't be a happy existence. Not truly. I face my flaws and faults and I work on them. Not always successfully, but I'm aware of them, and I force myself to keep at it, and keep checking for authenticity in every day. It's a start.
But you know what, the reward you get, the deeper reward of how you feel inside is soooo worth it. I can sleep at night, knowing that I am not kidding myself, that the decisions I have made are right for me, and that I am being authentic and true to who I really am. It's worth more than you can imagine.
Sometimes, my honesty offends. I've lost a few friends, who I have confronted over issues out of concern for them - often bluntly... But they've balked at it, and disappeared from my life. At first, I blamed myself. It upset me a lot that they really couldn't see I asked things because I cared for them. Wasn't it obvious that if I didn't give a shit, I wouldn't say anything?! Apparently not. This article by Julie at Beautiful You really helped my awareness begin to emerge. Not everyone will like you, but it doesn't mean you're worth any less. We're all different, we can't gel with everyone!
I beat myself up when I would email or contact them trying to fix the friendship only for it to be ignored. It hurt. A lot. Then I noticed something... These people were negative. They fuelled my own negativity and it's liberating not to see or hear their negative stuff anymore! Now I only need rid myself of my own negative! It was a nice revelation for me to see that this was a good thing. These losses were actually positive for my life. Wow!
I also surround myself with likewise honest people. Honest friends. Not only with themselves, but with me. Sometimes I make a decision and they don't simply say "well done!" like I might want them to. Sometimes they will challenge me on it. Question me, dig to see if I have made the decision honestly, check to see I've not avoided some things - throw those at me to make sure I am not wearing rose coloured glasses. I love this. I need this. It's so valuable to me - and maybe that's why I do it to others, forgetting not every person will appreciate it the way I do.
Why do you think denial is the preferred way of living for so many? It can't be a happy existence. Not truly. I face my flaws and faults and I work on them. Not always successfully, but I'm aware of them, and I force myself to keep at it, and keep checking for authenticity in every day. It's a start.
Food to make the heart sing!
Monday, June 4, 2012
Vegan food makes me SO happy! I love creating, I love using new ingredients, I love using new cooking methods, I love new tastes, and i LOVE LOVE LOVE being anti violence, anti cruelty, and compassionate! It truly makes me so happy. Here are my latest successes in the kitchen!
This is a vegan caramel slice. The base is made with flour, nuttelex and sugar. The filling is nuttelex and soy condensed milk, and the top is sweet william chocolate. This was SO freaking good. drooool.
This is my vegie pie. Mushrooms, peas, carrots, in gravy and wrapped in vegan puff pastry.
Mock chicken nuggets (redwoods vegideli brand) with a greek salad and cheezly cheese.
Cashew and vegetable curry. Potato was an odd addition, loved fresh tomato in it.
Soy milk, banana, maple syrup and tahini shake. TO DIE FOR.
I love having vegan alternatives on hand to make awesome Mexican. Using cheezly and tofutti sour cream, these bean burritos were mad good.
Curry before...
And after! Kids loved this too.
Making vegan biscuits. Oats, dried fruits, agave syrup, coconut, chia seeds, banana, apple puree, wholemeal flour...
Mixed up.
omnomnom...
Lunch! Cucumber and tomato slices with vegan mayo, garlic slices and dill weed on toasted soy and linseed helga thins... Yummeh!
More vego noms!
Friday, May 25, 2012
Just sharing my latest meal plan with you all, to see if you may be inspired by my vego ways! I am moving more away from fake meat replacements now, to whole food stuffs. Tastier!!! I still have some schnitzels and sausages in the freezer to eat, and the kids love the vegan meatballs so I will keep them around!
Party pies http://likeavegan.com.au/2011/05/party-pies/ Will be using mushrooms in place of beef style chunks in this one.
Fake schnitzels and veg
Fake hotdogs
Curry - creamy veg and cashew p 139 Easy Vegan cookbook
Fake sausages and spinach spud salad https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3M32_Cwv8_1NnUpRSiqrRZc45hTbH14P-rjfgRW9X9lwvxdLzqivSweza9yDGoWgD_5tqo2FPDzUpHO9gLCtWvXXw6wh9NjyRqZtXKNNvN1ojqXcmzx3Vvk4t0RGDQmWzxLMiMOYIHQU/s1600/vs-spinachpotatosalad.jpg
Vegie burgers made with mashed veg and legumes of some kind - still pondering this!
Fettucine Alfredo http://www.cookingchanneltv.com/recipes/fettuccine-alfredo-with-shiitake-mushrooms-kale-and-sun-dried-tomatoes-recipe/index.html
Spicy bean burritos p 58 Easy Vegan cookbook
Vegie potstickers w orange sauce p66 Easy Vegan cookbook
Faux Meatballs, pasta and garlic bread.
Some lunch ideas include the butternut squash and pine nut soup from the easy vegan cookbook, and dill weed sambos and onion rings from the vegan stoner - my current two fave inspirations! I am drooling at the thought of all these tasty goodies.
Recent vegan successes of mine include risoni pasta salad (a 12wbt recipe), vegan cupcakes (rum and raisin and peanut butter varieties), fried risotto balls, mock chicken burritos, tofu scramble and facon bacon, and chilli cheese fries using vegan cheezly. Pics below!
Risoni Salad
Rum and raisin cupcakes with rum glaze
Tofu scramble with facon bacon
Mock chicken burritos
Peanut butter cupcakes
Fried risotto balls
Chilli 'cheese' fries
Vegan rice rolls
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
You cannot imagine how good these are!!! My dear friend sent them to me from the US, and the first use I cooked them badly and was scared off. Tonight I decided I would master them and Oh. My. God. Who would ever eat meat with this choice??? They are so good!!!! I used this recipe for chinese 'beef' from vegan feast kitchen, halved it, and altered it to suit what I had on hand.
Don't judge my rice paper rolling abilities!!! I am too scared to look if these soy curls are available in Australia. I may be hitting Christie up for some more in the near future... :D
So, I hydrated the curls in water, with vegemite, soy sauce, tomato sauce and vegan gravy powder (gravox is vegan!) for 15min, drained and squeezed them.
Then mixed them with 3 garlic cloves, sesame oil, cornflour, and sherry (sweet because I had no dry), and ginger (chopped a smidge of glace ginger in as it was all I had, fresh was called for!) and then cooked it in sesame oil. SO MUCH YUMMINESS.
Then I cooked a sliced onion and put the curls and onion on a rice paper roll with cucumber strips, shredded iceberg lettuce and sweet chilli sauce. Jesus they are good.
SO good. I asked Finn to try the strips and see what he thought, he loved it!!! He asked for more, more, more and almost ate all of it. Thrilled. This is how I will make fajitas and burritos from now on!
Don't judge my rice paper rolling abilities!!! I am too scared to look if these soy curls are available in Australia. I may be hitting Christie up for some more in the near future... :D
