Changing Kelly

My life is such an unplanned mystery right now. I have friends who are happily married, raising kids, planning families, buying homes... But I am heading in a completely different direction. My children are growing. One is at school, one starts kindergarten next year. I have no partner to move forward with. I don't say this in a sad way at all. I'm happy where I am, it's just such a different place from everyone else, and I can't predict it. I have no idea. In some ways, it's actually quite exciting.

When you combine that with how much I have changed in the past few years, it really does feel exciting and new. I feel more certain now, of who I am, and more comfortable with that person. Friendships have changed, some have been lost, some have been strengthened; they're solid and they accept me for me. Brash, honest, passionate and loyal. I'm more confident in my own self, and maybe that's an age thing. Hmm. Wisdom sounds better than age... :)

I'm vegetarian, all but vegan, and I am so confident in that choice. Passionate about it, and it brings a deep seated joy that was unexpected, because I am being true to my values and beliefs.

I've lost 39 kilograms (86 pounds) in the past year, and whilst I have a way to go, I feel so much more alive, have so much more energy, confidence and such better health. I look at the photos of me below and I get emotional. My face is back, chiselled out of the fat that threatened to swallow it. For the first time, I feel beautiful. Feminine. Sexy!

I have no idea what the future brings, but my gut instincts tell me it's going to be worth waiting for. Worth the crap I've waded through to get to. Worth the dodgy men, the surgery, the confronting of who I am and being honest and truthful and authentic in myself. All worth it.

Weight loss surgery

Controversial? Yeah, probably. Any time I read an article or something about it, there are loads of comments where people say fat people just need to exercise and eat less. Funny, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT :/ I wish it were that easy, really I do. Being overweight isn't something people tend to enjoy. Often it goes hand in hand with self hatred or self consciousness, and even if one manages to find an acceptance and love of themselves with "extra" weight, they're still subject to a society that ridicules, denigrates and abuses them. So, let me tell you, if it was so easy, if we could all just stop eating and exercise, we would. There are lots of reasons it's not and I won't get into them because I don't think I could cover them all, ever.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about surgery. It's pretty much a last resort for those that decide to go ahead with it. Whether its a lap band, a gastric sleeve or a gastric bypass, there's risk. It's a major operation and every major operation comes with a risk. It's what put me off for years, I was terrified that the risk of surgery was too great. Surgery on an overweight person already increases risk, ya know? But someone once said that your weight is rarely the same on a 12 month anniversary, and mine was only ever greater. I got heart palpitations and had to wear a holter monitor (they were harmless but I was terrified it was weight related), I got terrible reflux that was agony, and I ended up having all sort of investigations to try to resolve it... It was weight related. I realised things were only ever going to get worse for me. I hated my reflection, I hated my body, I was scared I would die young and not see my children grow up. I had to do something, I was desperate. Absolutely desperate and terrified.

Now, I still have to shake my head and ask myself, 'did I really have my stomach chopped out?!' It blows my mind that I was so extreme, that I had to be. I feel disappointed that it came to that, but grateful I had the option. The option to essentially save my life. My confidence, my self esteem. All these things were saved. I am currently 9 months out from my gastric sleeve operation and I have lost 37kg. Imagine how much lighter my body must feel to carry around every day. Have you ever lifted 37kg? I encourage you to do so. I paid for the operation upfront. $15,000 that happened to come our way and could have been used for a home, for debt reduction, for so many better things. I still feel guilt about it. But, it's a second chance at life. And I feel like I am really living now. I feel like suddenly, I have a future that I never saw before, that I never truly believed I would get the chance to see, and now I do. I cannot tell you how powerful that is. I am so grateful to J who gave me the money to do this, and sacrificed his own dreams to let me live. It's not something I can ever fully express gratitude for. Such an incredible gift to be given in so many ways.

It's hard not to compare my loss to others who have had the same operation and are faring so much better, but I am trying to focus on my own journey, and for me, it's a big deal and a massive improvement. So maybe surgery is controversial, but for me it was the only way I could have done this. I have not a single doubt in my mind about that, because I see how much I still struggle not to overeat, to exercise, to change the mind as well as the body. It's hard, really hard, but it was the only way I could save my life. Drastic, not the easy way out by any means, but grateful that I could do it. It's time to shine not only an awesome Kell on the world, but an awesome confident Kell. Bring that on.

How do you feel?

So, halfway through the official 2 week challenge (though of course you can start at any time!), and having been eating vegan for 3 weeks now myself, how do I feel?

Honestly, if I told you, I don't think you'd believe me. I feel amazing. I feel as though every cell in my body is buzzing and vibrant with life, and I am feel ridiculously happy. I can only attribute this to my food choices - nothing else has changed. I'm still in the middle of a stressful house move, pinching pennies and what not... But it's just there, it's not a big deal.

Every day I read something or watch something related to veganism and the choice I have made. Sometimes it's about health or the environment or animal welfare... Each time I cement my decision. I've had amazing discussions with people on twitter about being vegan, food substitutes, making a slow transition by either eating LESS meat or eggs, or going completely vegetarian. It's exciting and inspiring!

I compare myself now, to the me of 3 years ago and I almost don't recognise myself. I am no longer married, I am 30kg lighter, I am vegan, and I believe in meditation and finding some kind of inner peace in every day. It's amazing. Life is getting better and better!!

Why I despise The Biggest Loser

''I can't watch these shows because I find them offensive, ghoulish, cruel and demeaning''

Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/fats-entertainment-and-were-the-biggest-loser-20120211-1sy4z.html#ixzz1mE1ZB7p9

I wanted to share an article today, that has left me really thinking. I agree with the writer completely. I don't find it entertaining. Maybe if I were thin and had been all my life, and had no identification with it, I might feel differently. But having lived this life, having felt desperate enough to do something major about it, I get this. It makes me sad. I've not looked at the emotions in my weight and weight loss stuff yet. I'm almost 25kg down and it's noticeable, but I haven't examined how it makes me feel, really.

I'm guessing the contestants on shows like The Biggest Loser are desperate too. To go on TV and literally bear all like that... I couldn't have done it. Before I ever heard of surgery, I'm not sure there were many more options - I applied to one of the early seasons. I was hope-less. I didn't want to go on the show but I wanted to stop the spiral of bad health I was falling into. Surgery is not an easy option either. It's far harder than I anticipated, but I had to do something urgently. I would have died far earlier than I am likely to now. I would have had less chance of seeing any grandchildren. I was beginning to experience some serious health issues as it was, and it would only get worse as my weight increased every single year.

It makes my heart hurt to think of what we do to these people in the name of entertainment. It's not entertainment to fuck with peoples pain. And weight you are not comfortable with, is pain. It's not funny to taunt and tease them with bad foods. It's not fun to watch them struggle about in mud, pain on their faces, wobbly skin falling about. It's horrible.

If I stop now, and look at my emotions, this makes me feel sick and it makes me feel really, really, sad. My weight was/is something that I despise about myself. It made me absolutely drip with self hatred. And hatred is a very strong and powerful word. It made me think I deserved to keep eating until I slowly killed myself. That's awful. That's really, really, awful. What a horrible way to feel about yourself. I'm not even a bad person! Making the decision to have serious, irreversible surgery on my stomach was hard and scary. Not being able to eat how I used to is taking a lot of getting used to, and has resulted in some painful mistakes. But I know that, unlike those contestants, I can't ever gain it back. And I've been able to maintain some dignity in losing it. I now look at myself in the mirror, and rather than hatred, I see hope. Rather than repulsion, I see a me I like. I feel like my outside is starting to match my inside. I like me. And that is an enormous emotional leap.

I have friends that watch the show, and I don't want anyone to think I think less of them for doing so. I don't at all. I'm only telling it from my perspective, from someone who was morbidly obese. Who could qualify for that show in an instant. I'm not a bit overweight. I was not a heavy girl. I was huge. With 25kg gone, I could still get on the show. I've a long way to go, but it's hard enough doing it with supportive friends and family around. Exposing myself to the judgement of a nation, wearing unflattering clothes on animal scales and throwing dignity away with it... I might as well give up any hope of being able to respect myself now were that my future.

And maybe that's what's key here.

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done...
Another year over... A new one just begun.

Or, almost. Merry Christmas, friends. Talk about a time for reflection. Moreso than at any other time of the year, we seem to reflect on where we are at around Christmas and the end of the year. I have a lot to think about this year. My heart, my mind and my body have all been through the ringer this year. It has been a real challenge. It was not an easy year, but I feel really excited about the future. Ever since my op, I desperately wanted to make it to Christmas Day. I was so scared I'd have a complication and not be here for it. To have made it through is a massive relief and exciting for me. I was there for RJs birthday, Finns end of school year celebrations, and Christmas. Phew.

For Christmas, Finn asked that we stay home for the day, rather than go and see family and we agreed. It was the best decision, it really was. For the family, and for me personally. We spent Christmas Eve with my family, and it was fun - but hot and tiring. Christmas Day was spent with the kids playing with their toys, eating yummy (and sparse!) food and enjoying time together. That and Wii Sing It Downunder. LOVE.

2012 is going to be an interesting year. I go into it having lost 17kg since October, and I feel great. I still have some niggles that need to settle, but my adventure is beginning. I am curious to see where I am this time next year. I hope I can fit another overseas trip in, and I want to write (though my PhD proposal was rejected for the marks I got when RJ was newborn and Mum was having chemo for cancer, bit unfair but such is life!) If New Years Eve came, and we started 2011 over, would you do the same things again? I have to say that most of it, I would. I'd sure as hell still see NYC! I'd still have this operation. I'd still have worked madly on getting my head straight.

I am grateful for so much.

I am grateful for amazing friends who always have my back, who love me unconditionally, and who support and encourage me every single day. I am grateful for my beautiful children who are healthy, happy, and who want for nothing. They are creative, funny, and smart and so loving. I am grateful for my health, and for knowing it will keep improving as I shed kilos. I am grateful for my family, their support and love. I have so much hope for the future, I have spent a lot of this year thinking about happiness, how t get more, how to be more content and I feel like it is working. I still have my battles to fight, don't we all? But I have come a long way and I know I can keep learning and improving in the years to come. Thats what life is all about. :)

Merry Christmas, and a happy 2012 to you and yours xx

My sister is awesome

My sister is the best. She knows I am stuck on liquids and purees for a bit, so she sent me a fantastic gift. A juicer!!!!!

The accompanying card made me teary...



So today I decided to give it a run. So much fun. Here I am all set to juice. I have chopped up apples with skin removed (probably not necessary but my tum is still sensitive), peeled chopped carrot, celery pieces and 2 peeled and quartered oranges.



Put it all in and prepare to hit go.



Voila, 3 seconds later...



Oops, I let it sit a sec whilst I did the dishes and clean up.



No matter, a brisk stir and we are back to this glorious orange color!



Let me assure you it tasted AMAZING. I am stoked. Thank you sister, dear xxx

Catch up

What a busy week that was!!!

Firstly, we went to The Wiggles concert last Sunday the 4th, which was RJ heaven. She was able to briefly meet Murray when she handed him roses for Dorothy which made her day. It was a good day but geez they're starting to age.. Yikes. Anyway, we had fun and I survived my first big post op outing. Yay!

On Tuesday, Finn had his keyboard open day, a mini concert where he played a solo, and also got a solo in the group song all of his own, since he taught himself the latter part of the song that no one else knows. So proud. He really has got some amazing skills now, and is playing brilliantly.



On Wednesday we had RJs ballet concert which was absolutely adorable. Kids of all ages performed but the 2 year olds were just especially cute. She loved it and kept saying she wanted to do it again. She has since been showing off her ballet moves to all and sundry at school. Made for the stage this kid. So beautiful!



On Thursday I went to see the dietician and found I've lost a total of 16.3kg now, I am going great guns and am able to go from liquids to mushy foods (trickier than it sounds, most foods still feel too much for me). It's nice to have choice in my diet again, even a small choice. It'll be a long month or so to get back to a normal diet though.

Friday I had to get one of my incision wounds checked, its a bit iffy, but nothing to worry about which was a relief. This weekend we celebrated RJ and Js birthdays since their actual birthdays fall on Tuesday, and no one is around! We have another very hectic week ahead. I will be glad to hit Xmas and fall in a heap I can tell you! Sheesh!

Lovely stuff

My OPI order arrived today. I have been sweating on it getting here and I was NOT disappointed. Check these babies out!!



I love how bright and fun they are. I love the idea of alternating green and red for Chrismassy toes, too. RJ immediately requested pink glittery toenails. But of course!

The entire muppets range of colours are stunning but I left out the red/pinks since I already have shades similar enough.
So much pretty. With my GHD, my Sephora make up that arrived 2 weeks ago, and pretty nails, I am going to wow soon!

Surgery recovery is going well. I am stiff and sore still, wind pained still, and tired still... But it's going well. It's odd. I want to eat, food still holds great appeal, but I am happy to stick to my liquid diet for a couple of weeks and not take any unnecessary risks. What IS surprising is how little I need to have to fill me. This will relax over time, but right now, a few tablespoons of soup and I am done. WEIRD FEELING. The mental part of it is the strangest and most difficult for sure. Onward and upward (or downward if we're talking scales...)

D Day

Auto publish for DDay. When this goes up, I will be at the hospital - surgery day.

Let's DO this!!!!

3 days to go...

... Until surgery day, and they're going to be busy ones. I am nervous and highly strung, need to do some relaxation along the way as often as possible. I wrote a letter to myself a while back, I'll share it today. See ya on the other side, ya'll x

Dear Kelly,

This is the only you I have ever known. I can barely remember a you that comes close to a normal weight. It's not that I expect to be thin, I'll always be large, but where you are now is scaring me. It's an ongoing gradual sliding gain, and in 8 years, I've gained almost 20 kg. If I keep on this path, I know I will be in trouble. Since the latest 7kg in 5 months gain, I have had this horrible reflux/ulcer/whatever thing, and heart palps, and it dawns on me it will only get worse. It's terrifying. I am scared of this operation, too. It all feels a bit surreal. It's drastic. It's scary, but I need help. I remember at uni, when I was maybe 30-40kg lighter than I am now, I was referred to as "Big Kell" - they didn't know I could hear them call me that. It wasn't said meanly. I was being differentiated from another Kelly. I'll always be Big Kell. It's all I ever knew. The ugly, fat, sister. The hide behind smarts and wit because it's all I have.

I want to be ME. I want to let me out, the true me, not the fat me I have always felt. It's not that I don't feel I don't have value now, because I know that I do, weight or not. But, I want to feel confidence to let that real me inside, shine on the outside as well. I want the confidence to just live. I don't want to be sad, fearful, and self conscious anymore.

I want to see my children grow up. I want this so much, for my children, and for me. I want this to give myself another chance. Don't lose sight of your goals, look at those photos and remind yourself why you never want to come back to this. Remember how unhappy you are right now, and have been for so long. At 34, you're going to start life. Remember where you came from, and be kind to yourself. Don't devalue who you were (and are still, at this point in time), just because of weight. You're so much more than that. It's time to let the weight go and embrace being me. The real me.

Love, Kelly.

Intuition

in·tu·i·tion   [in-too-ish-uhn, -tyoo-]
noun
1. Direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.

Intuition, gut instinct, real truth, divine guidance... call it what you will. Truth is, something of that nature exists. Is it coincidence, or a fabrication of the mind, perhaps? I don't think so, but some would. Sometimes, I can tune into it easily, others it is far more difficult, or impossible altogether.

I know when I have struck on it, it's feeling that's hard to describe. I go from chaos in my mind, anxiety, worry, and fear to a settled feeling of KNOWING something is true and right. It's never failed me. Good and bad. When I think about my surgery next week, I have only good instincts but geez they can be hard to locate and cling to. My mind gets in the way. It doesn't stop me freaking out.

I sort of feel as though my mind is getting desperate this week and throwing every trick at me it can muster. Sabotage, sore stomach returning, boredom... It's as though it is in freak out mode that am actually going ahead with this. It's hard to cope with, because I am constantly fighting a battle with my own mind and trying to keep it on a leash. It WILL be okay, it IS the right thing... Breathe...

This op is a pretty big deal, it'll take quite a while to recover, and I don't know what it'll mean for my every day future. I just know I'm out of choices. I need help. It's this or an early grave. I hope it turns out to be the best thing I ever did. Time will tell.

I have to remind myself, as the past has proven, when I feel scared or nervous, I must focus on my intuition. It never lets me down.

Stuff and other things

Brief update on moi. My operation was originally set for Nov 24, then they moved me to the 25th, and this week they moved me BACK to the 24th. Craziness. I hope I get my fasting and admission times correct after all this :) I have 18 days until the operation, and the diet is going okay. I've lost just over 3.5kg, but the food is becoming repetitive and boring. Still a way to go yet. I have moments of freak out over the operation, I just want to be on the other side of it, but mostly I am feeling good about it all.

Bit worried I am transferring my emotional eating to emotional shopping after this weeks Christmassy binge. I best keep an eye on that!

I took the kids to the 'zoon' on Saturday. Zoon is how RJ pronounces zoo, very cute. We had a great time, though it was a pretty hot day and by the time we got home, I was a touch sunburned. Naturally the kids had hats, I just didn't get one for myself! Typical! Here we are at the Orangutan enclosure, where we saw the cutest Mama and new baby Orangutans.



It feels like an exciting time for me. I am focused solely on myself and the kids, and I am excited for the future. My gorgeous friend, Nat, wrote this blog entry for me this week, which made me really centre on what is important. I am grateful that it helped me, and honoured that she sees me in such a beautiful way. I was accepted into a journalism post grad, but am yet to hear back regarding the PhD I was considering, so I am uncertain what I will be doing study-wise next year. Either way, I will be writing, getting thinner and healthier, and enjoying watching my children grow. It's a bright outlook. Brilliant.

A new beginning.

Starts today. Today is the first day of my pre surgery diet. I have to do this for 4 weeks, in 4 weeks from today, I will be going in for my operation. It's kinda scary and exciting all at once. I don't really have a lot to say about it. I'm not dwelling on it too much, just plodding along, really. Anyway, I wanted to mark the start of this life changing journey. Here we go :)

Sunshiney day

Excuse my last post tantrum. I feel much better in every way today. The sun has been out and has done some healing work on my soul. My health is tolerable, and will keep improving. I feel as though I am making progress on myself. I am on day 11 of being vegetarian and enjoying it hugely. I just feel better for it. Surgery is in 5 and a half weeks, I am all booked in and ready to go. I have a flat out week ahead then things calm again for a bit. Monday is dance lesson day, Tuesday I have to go the dietician, Wednesday is karate day, Thursday is psychologist day. Friday I can relax! In theory. Or catch up on the weeks housework more likely. Finn also has swimming lessons every day for the next 2 weeks. Intense.

Had a lovely week with RJ, she is at such an intense age at the moment. The "why mama? Why?" phase is in full swing. She loves being a girly girl and wearing pretty dresses and hair clips, yet she was fascinated by the big cherry picker truck that came this week. She is ful of personality and opinion and she is both stubborn and sweet. Cracks me up. Meanwhile, Finn has advanced to juniors class at Karate. no more kids classes for him. He is in with teens. I am afeared. He is excited.


RJ watching the truck up at the power lines.

I got myself the new iPhone 4S this week, it's beautiful. As with an new Apple product, the thing that always strikes me most is the beauty of the product. They really are art. The clarity and crispness of the new camera is amazing. The below is the first picture I took with it. Both kids were keen to be in the first photo for the new phone. ;) Siri is fun too. I like having my own PA to store reminders and such for me. Very cool. The first 24 hours my calls wouldn't work. Telstra blamed Apple, Apple weren't sure. Of course, stock was sold out and there were no replacement phones, but thankfully, all it needed was a new SIM card and all was perfect. Phew! The most exciting feature for me I literally just discovered now. I downloaded a song from iTunes on my laptop earlier, my phone just told me it automatically can access these downloads without syncing now. I have been wanting that feature for so long! SQUEE!!!!

Yawn

Wassup? Slack blogger as per. It's school holidays, and my boy has been super sick for most of it thus far. It started with a headache the Thursday night before the last day of term. He insisted on going to the school play anyway, since it was the final performance. By Friday morning he was immobile on the couch with horrible headaches. He threw up once, but that was it. Saturday we went to the doctor who said 'I don't know. Virus?" Helpful. Another day on the couch, no appetite, and he stayed that way most of the week. Yesterday (Thursday, a week later...) he ate a little and didn't have a day nap for the first time in a week. Today he is a little more improved again. It's been a slow recovery, though. Poor kid. Not much of a holiday hes having. Next week he wants to stay at Mums for a night. We went up today for a day trip visit to get him out of the house at least.

It's been a long week for many reasons. I'm finding comfort and escape in a book, very typical. It's helping though. Also, J offered me the cash to get the surgery done ASAP so I have an appointment with the surgeon October 12. Nervous, but excited. Just want to get it over with now. Weird feeling. I need to go to a gold class movie as a goodbye!

Finishing with a photo from the trip to Mums today. Kids had a great time :)

Fat chicks

I've never really talked about weight before. Funny, because it is a huge (pardon the pun) part of my life. I'm a fat chick. It's been that way since puberty, and even before then, I was always larger. Larger I can handle, but where I am now causes me so much sadness. I put a lot of value (or lack thereof) on myself as a person by appearance. It's not resulting in a good esteem at all, but I can't change my thinking. PCOS makes weight loss more difficult, and I have been seriously considering surgery. The past week or so, I have decided that I will go ahead with surgery. I took out health insurance today, there is a 12 month wait, which is kinda frustrating, but I'll use that time to do as much work myself as I can. I know that weight loss surgery is controversial. You know what though? The bottom line is I need help. I've tried for 20 years to lose weight on my own. 20 long, hate filled, failure filled, years. And I want to be around to see my children grow up. I want to be able to move freely and confidently. I want to be able to glance in the mirror and not feel depressed that the person I love on the inside, is not reflected on my outside. It's a terrifying prospect to consider surgery. It's not the easy out, it's scary, it's major, and it will have side effects and repercussions to manage. They cannot be worse than what faces me in the years ahead if I don't do something about this. I need help. Admitting that - publicly - is a big deal.



See this dress? I want to wear a dress like this. Whilst I will never be as thin as this model, I would still fit into that dress. I want to walk into a "normal" store (not a fat chicks store!) and be able to buy something off the rack. I can't even fathom what that is like. :( I've never known it. Ever. I'm scared that even after this, I won't. Maybe I never will. I have to try. For my children, my family, and most importantly, for myself. I need to do all I can. 12 months is going to be a long wait.