Dismissing mental health

I just realised that today is World Mental Health Day and it got me thinking. Do you think we dismiss mental health too easily? I guess we are getting better at it, but the stigma persists for many. I know that I never afford myself the same treatment and care when I am feeling stressed out and depressed that I do if I am stuck in bed with a head cold or a bug. I expect myself to just get on with it. Keep going. Expectations are there to be met, and I refuse to allow 'feeling down' to stop me meeting them.

At the same time, when it comes to friends who are feeling depressed or who are battling a variety of anxieties and mental illnesses I am a vocal campaigner for self care and time out. I insist they take the time to address their needs better, I recommend books, doctors, the notion of medication as necessary the same as it is for any other illness.

I have suffered anxiety and depression on and off for years. It's mostly in control, but I don't think it's something that will ever be cured for good. It's just something I manage now with medication, books, and breathing exercises, along with natural alternatives like exercise and sunshine. Some days I just don't want to get up. Some days I just don't want to put on a mask and say all is dandy fine. Some days I want to say I am not okay. I am finding that easier to do. I am finding people quicker to accept and help. Maybe that stigma is fading after all.

I love this idea of developing a Wellness Toolbox. Having some tried and true tools on hand that you know will help, even a little, is a great idea.


Develop a wellness toolbox
Come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. Include any strategies, activities, or skills that have helped in the past. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.
Spend some time in nature
List what you like about yourself
Read a good book
Watch a funny movie or TV show
Take a long, hot bath
Take care of a few small tasks
Play with a pet
Write in your journal
Listen to music
Do something spontaneous
Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm


For me, it all comes back to self talk. Challenging my 'what if's' and negative attitudes. It can be exhausting, but it also helps to remind myself that everything comes back to two emotions: love and fear. Finding the fear in the emotions helps me find a way to address it practically, whether it is entirely rational or not. I think it's also important to be kind to yourself, and remind yourself it's okay to struggle sometimes, it will pass, and hug your inner you. Go easy. Remind yourself that this isn't just you having a bad day and you should just get on with it - mental health is a serious health issue and shouldn't be easily dismissed. You'd rug up and get some rest were it a cold, so do the equivalent for depression. No cop outs, no fobbing it off. Accept it, love yourself, and find what helps bring you back - however long it may take.

Furthermore, you're never alone. Friends, family, health professionals, help phone lines, even social media can be invaluable on 'black days'. Make use of it. You're worth the effort.

Need urgent help?

If you or someone you know is at risk of harming themselves or someone else it is important you get help immediately. You can take the first step in doing this by:


Speaking to your doctor (GP or psychiatrist)
Calling the Psychiatric Team at your nearest hospital
Calling Lifeline 13 11 14 or Suicide Helpline (Victoria only) 1300 651 251
If the person is threatening to harm you call the police on 000 (triple zero).
Some tips for getting urgent help include:

Express the urgency of the matter without becoming aggressive
Speak clearly
Give the health professional specific examples of concerns
Give a brief history of self harm or harm to others
Ensure that you listen to their advice
If they are unable to help, ask them why and who you should contact
Source: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=107


Further Help.

Lifeline 13 11 14
http://www.depression.com.au/
http://www.beyondblue.org.au
http://www.sane.org/
http://www.theshedonline.org.au/
http://www.healthshare.com.au/community/health_challenges/depression

Food, glorious food.

Transitioning to vegan eating is an ongoing challenge for me. I don't miss meat or eggs, or even milk, but some dairy based products and cheese are my downfall at this point. Substitutions are often costly, and hard to source rurally. So for now, I plan a fortnights meals and try to make them predominantly vegan, with a smattering of vegetarian amongst them (ie with cheese) and it's good progress. 

This fortnights meals are: 

Chickpea, marinated vegetable and feta salad

Vegetarian lasagne (I wanted one without eggplant, not an aubergine fan so it's zucchini based)

Fattoush salad

Refried bean tacos

Thai green vegetable curry

Vegetarian burgers (still trying various recipes to find the best)

Leek, potato and feta puff pastry pizzas

Green bean and chickpea sesame salad

Gratin dauphinoise w wild mushys and salad (a permanent fixture these days - vegan win)

Chilli sans carne

Asparagus, broccoli and cheese pasta

Vegetable and peanut salad

Spiced onion naan with lentil salad

Cauliflower and chickpea curry

I get these recipes from cookbooks, from the web, all over the place. Rarely are they my own creations.  I've been thinking that my diet needs some work. Given I can eat so little these days, I need to be really far more aware at what I am eating. Lunch ideas came down to half sandwiches with varied toppings - 

grain bread

sprouts avocado hummus cucumber

lettuce tomato cheese corn relish

pineapple cheese lettuce

capsicum tomato cucumber olives feta

cream cheese, carrot, raisins

And better breakfasts wouldn't hurt either. Enough junk. More water. The obvious... Anything catch your eye for a meat free meal? :) 

Hearts...

I have so much to write about but no time to write it! I had an amazing weekend in Sydney, one I will take my time and post blogs for as I find time. I am moving house this week so things are hectic and I am not sure when I will get time to do it. But it'll come. Promise!!!

I did want to make time to write about the thing that struck me most on my weekend in Sydney. I have a friend, she's already been through a lot in life. She lost her best friend to a horrible invasive cancer, and she has the most adorable boy, and he's so sick. I had breakfast with her Saturday morning, and we got chatting for quite a while. She's an amazing woman.

Today would have been her best friends birthday, I don't know if that makes this post good or bad timing. It's not really either. I just wanted to write about what she is going through now. Her 15 month old son has HLHS, a heart condition called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. You can read a little about it here - it isn't easy reading and I find it hard to get my head around the science and the technical things.

He has half a heart, and it's amazing that he has managed 15 amazing months. I think things are misunderstood a little because he looks so healthy and happy - people tend to forget just how seriously ill he is as a result. When I spoke to my friend about it, trying to understand it and how it effects their every single day, and how she manages... some of the stupidity she faces from people who don't get it... It made my head spin.

What perspective it gives to see someone who copes with this every moment of her waking life. She just goes on. I know she has to, but.. how?? I don't understand a lot about the condition yet but I am reading and I am learning. What I have read is terrifying. Makes me want to do something. I believe that HeartKids is a great organisation to support for families going through this hell. Heart Kids works towards reducing both the incidence and the mortality rates of childhood heart disease. There's one in each state. You can volunteer or donate, support fundraising, buy merchandise, sponsor... There are a myriad of ways. Check them out, and contribute. The families you are supporting need places like these. The children who are going through this and all the operations... they need it.

HeartKids  

How did I get to vegan??

So, what is MY story? What made me decide to eschew meat and instead maintain a plant based diet? Well, it's recent and at the same time, it started long ago. On a basic level, I've always loved animals. What child doesn't, I suppose? They're in our stories, they're on our television programs, cartoons, and we're taught to treat our pets with love and respect.

When I was 10, our family moved to the country. My parents bought a small farm, and we had chickens, ducks, cows, and had inherited an ancient sheep from the previous owners. We had 30 acres on which to enjoy these animals, and my responsibility, one of my chores, was to feed and water the chickens, and collect their eggs. They were free range, and I remember going to get the first lot of chickens we kept from a battery farm. My parents saved them from their cages, and we took them home to a lovely big yard, and paddocks beyond that they could roam during the day. I recall them not really knowing how to walk. After being crammed in cages likely since birth, they didn't know how to use their legs. They lifted them and took a long time to set them down again, unsure what process to take to walk. I guess it was one of the first moments I had that I truly felt and thought about farming practices?

I also recall that any time I found a chicken dead - almost always just a result of old age or the elements,  would scream a blood curdling cry as though I were being murdered. I remember getting told off for scaring my poor mum with such cries, but I would be devastated and cry and cry for the poor chickens end. Interestingly, I don't really remember when 'Lady' the sheep died. She was so old and so stubborn but quite lovely. Hand fed and happy to be petted she was a funny old thing. Very much the pet.

You can see how farm life, and pet life sort of intermingled for me. It was never strict farming, yet they were never complete pets either. I recall our neighbour, very much the farmer, coming to show my dad how to cut the heads off chickens. I remember how the chickens ran around without their heads. I remember, for some reason I can't recall, handling severed ducks feet. Just the feet. I remember watching them castrate the calves - how they'd just throw them down, slice open their testicles, and then pour disinfectant straight on and send them running again, blood running down their legs. I remember the mother cows, bellowing for calves sent to market. Separated. I never handled these things well. I always got TOO upset. Almost to the point of frustrating and upsetting my folks for being overly dramatic. I never accepted it. I still ate meat, it was our way of life. We always had and it never crossed my mind not to, until the day they slaughtered one of our cows, and filled our freezer. I remember them serving it up, that slightly different smell that fresh meat has as compared to the supermarket processed variety. And I remember saying.. "you want us to eat Molly??" And refusing. I remember the frustration of my parents. They didn't force me to, but I don't think they were too impressed that I refused my meal, either.

Still, I never tried being vegetarian. Once off the farm it was a case of out of sight out of mind to a degree. And habit. So I ate meat. And cheese. And milk. And eggs. All of it. And often.

I would say it has only been in the last two years that this has become the focus of my life again. I credit that to my friend, Christie, from America. We struck up a friendship, and she is a strict vegan, and a creative foodie, so often our conversations turned to food, and her reasons for eating vegan and I learned more about vegan cooking and she inspired me to try some recipes. Christie, her boyfriend Brent, and their friend Melissa, run one of my favorite vegan food blogs, Turning Veganese. I love seeing what they come up with, cursing it when I can't find the ingredients in Australia, cheering loudly when I replicate their success.

She got me thinking, and mid way through last year, I decided to cut meat from my diet entirely. I couldn't bring myself to remove cheese and dairy, however, but I ate vegetarian. I felt great, I lost weight, and it was really something that felt true to who I am, at the core of my being. I still couldn't imagine life without chocolate, though, despite a dear friend, Vik, sending me vegan chocolate to try (and my enjoyment of it!) I then had gastric sleeve surgery, because I felt that despite the 6kg I lost eating vegetarian, I was still dangerously overweight and years of trying to lose the weight had not found success. This operation would. Post op, I slowly reintroduced foods through liquids, mushies, and eventually solids and a normal diet. Because protein was so important in recovery, and because my knowledge of easily accessible protein was meat meat meat, dairy dairy dairy, I resumed eating those foods again. It was the lazy way to ensure I met my protein requirements with a new smaller stomach.

A month or so ago, I began to look into veganism with renewed interest. I spoke at length with my friend, Vik, who is vegan and who directed me to endless fantastic resources, films, articles, information... The more I read, the more it made sense to me. For animals, for the environment, and for my health. Vik made some suggestions for replacement cheeses (I do so love cheese, it is the thing most difficult for me) and I decided to try some new recipes. Vegan recipes. Soon after, I began my 2 week vegan challenge. I am a n00bie vegan, for sure. I am still feeling my way. I am still finding my resources and informing myself. I am having a lovely time with cooking and creativity and new foods in the kitchen. I feel happier and more settled in life in general. This is right for me. This is true to me.

My son, who is 8, often remarks that he doesn't want to eat animals, and that he wants to be vegetarian, but that he loves the taste of meat. I explained that it's okay. It took me 34 years to be ready, and he would come to it in his own time if it is right for him. At the same time, I offer meat alternatives every day, and allow him to take them up as he wants to. Sometimes he does. We had a great discussion about how vegan is different to vegetarianism. He wondered why I don't eat dairy, if it isn't killing the cows. I explained about mothers and babies being separated. I saw the light of identification and empathy in his eyes and the sadness on his face. I like being able to give him information to make informed choices. Maybe some day... :)

So that's my lot. I feel like all the pieces of a life long puzzle are snapping into place and that this is being cemented. I feel committed to this now. It's my truth.

Why I despise The Biggest Loser

''I can't watch these shows because I find them offensive, ghoulish, cruel and demeaning''

Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/fats-entertainment-and-were-the-biggest-loser-20120211-1sy4z.html#ixzz1mE1ZB7p9

I wanted to share an article today, that has left me really thinking. I agree with the writer completely. I don't find it entertaining. Maybe if I were thin and had been all my life, and had no identification with it, I might feel differently. But having lived this life, having felt desperate enough to do something major about it, I get this. It makes me sad. I've not looked at the emotions in my weight and weight loss stuff yet. I'm almost 25kg down and it's noticeable, but I haven't examined how it makes me feel, really.

I'm guessing the contestants on shows like The Biggest Loser are desperate too. To go on TV and literally bear all like that... I couldn't have done it. Before I ever heard of surgery, I'm not sure there were many more options - I applied to one of the early seasons. I was hope-less. I didn't want to go on the show but I wanted to stop the spiral of bad health I was falling into. Surgery is not an easy option either. It's far harder than I anticipated, but I had to do something urgently. I would have died far earlier than I am likely to now. I would have had less chance of seeing any grandchildren. I was beginning to experience some serious health issues as it was, and it would only get worse as my weight increased every single year.

It makes my heart hurt to think of what we do to these people in the name of entertainment. It's not entertainment to fuck with peoples pain. And weight you are not comfortable with, is pain. It's not funny to taunt and tease them with bad foods. It's not fun to watch them struggle about in mud, pain on their faces, wobbly skin falling about. It's horrible.

If I stop now, and look at my emotions, this makes me feel sick and it makes me feel really, really, sad. My weight was/is something that I despise about myself. It made me absolutely drip with self hatred. And hatred is a very strong and powerful word. It made me think I deserved to keep eating until I slowly killed myself. That's awful. That's really, really, awful. What a horrible way to feel about yourself. I'm not even a bad person! Making the decision to have serious, irreversible surgery on my stomach was hard and scary. Not being able to eat how I used to is taking a lot of getting used to, and has resulted in some painful mistakes. But I know that, unlike those contestants, I can't ever gain it back. And I've been able to maintain some dignity in losing it. I now look at myself in the mirror, and rather than hatred, I see hope. Rather than repulsion, I see a me I like. I feel like my outside is starting to match my inside. I like me. And that is an enormous emotional leap.

I have friends that watch the show, and I don't want anyone to think I think less of them for doing so. I don't at all. I'm only telling it from my perspective, from someone who was morbidly obese. Who could qualify for that show in an instant. I'm not a bit overweight. I was not a heavy girl. I was huge. With 25kg gone, I could still get on the show. I've a long way to go, but it's hard enough doing it with supportive friends and family around. Exposing myself to the judgement of a nation, wearing unflattering clothes on animal scales and throwing dignity away with it... I might as well give up any hope of being able to respect myself now were that my future.

And maybe that's what's key here.

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done...
Another year over... A new one just begun.

Or, almost. Merry Christmas, friends. Talk about a time for reflection. Moreso than at any other time of the year, we seem to reflect on where we are at around Christmas and the end of the year. I have a lot to think about this year. My heart, my mind and my body have all been through the ringer this year. It has been a real challenge. It was not an easy year, but I feel really excited about the future. Ever since my op, I desperately wanted to make it to Christmas Day. I was so scared I'd have a complication and not be here for it. To have made it through is a massive relief and exciting for me. I was there for RJs birthday, Finns end of school year celebrations, and Christmas. Phew.

For Christmas, Finn asked that we stay home for the day, rather than go and see family and we agreed. It was the best decision, it really was. For the family, and for me personally. We spent Christmas Eve with my family, and it was fun - but hot and tiring. Christmas Day was spent with the kids playing with their toys, eating yummy (and sparse!) food and enjoying time together. That and Wii Sing It Downunder. LOVE.

2012 is going to be an interesting year. I go into it having lost 17kg since October, and I feel great. I still have some niggles that need to settle, but my adventure is beginning. I am curious to see where I am this time next year. I hope I can fit another overseas trip in, and I want to write (though my PhD proposal was rejected for the marks I got when RJ was newborn and Mum was having chemo for cancer, bit unfair but such is life!) If New Years Eve came, and we started 2011 over, would you do the same things again? I have to say that most of it, I would. I'd sure as hell still see NYC! I'd still have this operation. I'd still have worked madly on getting my head straight.

I am grateful for so much.

I am grateful for amazing friends who always have my back, who love me unconditionally, and who support and encourage me every single day. I am grateful for my beautiful children who are healthy, happy, and who want for nothing. They are creative, funny, and smart and so loving. I am grateful for my health, and for knowing it will keep improving as I shed kilos. I am grateful for my family, their support and love. I have so much hope for the future, I have spent a lot of this year thinking about happiness, how t get more, how to be more content and I feel like it is working. I still have my battles to fight, don't we all? But I have come a long way and I know I can keep learning and improving in the years to come. Thats what life is all about. :)

Merry Christmas, and a happy 2012 to you and yours xx

Intuition

in·tu·i·tion   [in-too-ish-uhn, -tyoo-]
noun
1. Direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.

Intuition, gut instinct, real truth, divine guidance... call it what you will. Truth is, something of that nature exists. Is it coincidence, or a fabrication of the mind, perhaps? I don't think so, but some would. Sometimes, I can tune into it easily, others it is far more difficult, or impossible altogether.

I know when I have struck on it, it's feeling that's hard to describe. I go from chaos in my mind, anxiety, worry, and fear to a settled feeling of KNOWING something is true and right. It's never failed me. Good and bad. When I think about my surgery next week, I have only good instincts but geez they can be hard to locate and cling to. My mind gets in the way. It doesn't stop me freaking out.

I sort of feel as though my mind is getting desperate this week and throwing every trick at me it can muster. Sabotage, sore stomach returning, boredom... It's as though it is in freak out mode that am actually going ahead with this. It's hard to cope with, because I am constantly fighting a battle with my own mind and trying to keep it on a leash. It WILL be okay, it IS the right thing... Breathe...

This op is a pretty big deal, it'll take quite a while to recover, and I don't know what it'll mean for my every day future. I just know I'm out of choices. I need help. It's this or an early grave. I hope it turns out to be the best thing I ever did. Time will tell.

I have to remind myself, as the past has proven, when I feel scared or nervous, I must focus on my intuition. It never lets me down.

Sunshiney day

Excuse my last post tantrum. I feel much better in every way today. The sun has been out and has done some healing work on my soul. My health is tolerable, and will keep improving. I feel as though I am making progress on myself. I am on day 11 of being vegetarian and enjoying it hugely. I just feel better for it. Surgery is in 5 and a half weeks, I am all booked in and ready to go. I have a flat out week ahead then things calm again for a bit. Monday is dance lesson day, Tuesday I have to go the dietician, Wednesday is karate day, Thursday is psychologist day. Friday I can relax! In theory. Or catch up on the weeks housework more likely. Finn also has swimming lessons every day for the next 2 weeks. Intense.

Had a lovely week with RJ, she is at such an intense age at the moment. The "why mama? Why?" phase is in full swing. She loves being a girly girl and wearing pretty dresses and hair clips, yet she was fascinated by the big cherry picker truck that came this week. She is ful of personality and opinion and she is both stubborn and sweet. Cracks me up. Meanwhile, Finn has advanced to juniors class at Karate. no more kids classes for him. He is in with teens. I am afeared. He is excited.


RJ watching the truck up at the power lines.

I got myself the new iPhone 4S this week, it's beautiful. As with an new Apple product, the thing that always strikes me most is the beauty of the product. They really are art. The clarity and crispness of the new camera is amazing. The below is the first picture I took with it. Both kids were keen to be in the first photo for the new phone. ;) Siri is fun too. I like having my own PA to store reminders and such for me. Very cool. The first 24 hours my calls wouldn't work. Telstra blamed Apple, Apple weren't sure. Of course, stock was sold out and there were no replacement phones, but thankfully, all it needed was a new SIM card and all was perfect. Phew! The most exciting feature for me I literally just discovered now. I downloaded a song from iTunes on my laptop earlier, my phone just told me it automatically can access these downloads without syncing now. I have been wanting that feature for so long! SQUEE!!!!

My body is falling apart

I am in a foul mood today. My health has been shite for a year. First it was the never-ending period and it taking weeks and weeks to work out why and correct the pill I was on to fix it. Then it was chest strain, then heart palpitations and using a holter monitor and a bunch of tests to rule out anything serious. Now it's this weird stomach thing. They ruled out gallstones, I had an ultrasound, blood tests and a helicobacter breath test all come back clear. And still I am in pain. Dr says reflux, but its not really easing, so I am going back today to demand a barium meal to rule out ulcer/hiatal hernia. I am supposed to have weight loss surgery in 6 weeks. I am not forking out a fortune if he gets in there and says woah can't operate because of whatever it is. If the barium meal is clear, then it must be reflux or irritation and that's not such a big deal. I am so angry. It shouldn't take so long. I haven't been well in months, and I feel like it's been a year of sadness, ill health and negative emotions. I AM OVER IT.

Ouuuchhh

Am in a lot of pain at the moment. Doctor thinks it might be gallstones. I had an ultrasound but they said it'd take a day or two to get results to the doctor. Im not sure I can wait that long, the pain is out of this world and even with codapane, impossible to relieve. I can't eat, I can't sleep... I may need to take myself off to hospital and hope they operate ASAP :( Not sure what to do.

The power of thought?

How powerful do you think your mind is? I've been thinking about the power of thought lately. From 'The Secret' to a Dan Brown-esque book of fiction I just finished (called The Fourth Awakening), it's becoming an increasingly popular theory.

I dreamt the other night that someone in my dream called my name. I responded by sitting bolt upright in bed, as though it were real, and not in my head.

I've had a sore stomach for a week. Since about the time I decided with certainty to get the surgery. I can eat without any problem, but my upper abdomen is sore and tight. I wonder if it's stress? Or a reaction to anticipatory stress of the op? I'm fairly obsessive in my thinking about the surgery. It makes me wonder what effect my thoughts are having on my body and if it's possibly what's going on. Seems a bit of a nutty theory though.

Another thing I've been thinking about for some months now, is becoming vegan. I've a few vegan friends who've shared amazing recipes, and each seems really well grounded and centered in life in general. Since after the operation, I'll need to change my eating entirely - albeit temporarily - I might use the opportunity to make the change entirely. My greatest concern is alternatives to chocolate. How sad is that?? Since I'll be eating less anyway, it seems timely. Whilst I currently eat animal products, im enjoying them less and less. I need to read up on it some so I can get my head around it in time.

For a year or so now, I have felt like my life is this messy jumble, out of control and chaotic. I can see future me, settled and happy and focused, but I don't know how to get there. I want to slow down and be more aware of every day. I want to be grateful and cherish small things. I want to be centered and calm. I don't know where to start.

Fat chicks

I've never really talked about weight before. Funny, because it is a huge (pardon the pun) part of my life. I'm a fat chick. It's been that way since puberty, and even before then, I was always larger. Larger I can handle, but where I am now causes me so much sadness. I put a lot of value (or lack thereof) on myself as a person by appearance. It's not resulting in a good esteem at all, but I can't change my thinking. PCOS makes weight loss more difficult, and I have been seriously considering surgery. The past week or so, I have decided that I will go ahead with surgery. I took out health insurance today, there is a 12 month wait, which is kinda frustrating, but I'll use that time to do as much work myself as I can. I know that weight loss surgery is controversial. You know what though? The bottom line is I need help. I've tried for 20 years to lose weight on my own. 20 long, hate filled, failure filled, years. And I want to be around to see my children grow up. I want to be able to move freely and confidently. I want to be able to glance in the mirror and not feel depressed that the person I love on the inside, is not reflected on my outside. It's a terrifying prospect to consider surgery. It's not the easy out, it's scary, it's major, and it will have side effects and repercussions to manage. They cannot be worse than what faces me in the years ahead if I don't do something about this. I need help. Admitting that - publicly - is a big deal.



See this dress? I want to wear a dress like this. Whilst I will never be as thin as this model, I would still fit into that dress. I want to walk into a "normal" store (not a fat chicks store!) and be able to buy something off the rack. I can't even fathom what that is like. :( I've never known it. Ever. I'm scared that even after this, I won't. Maybe I never will. I have to try. For my children, my family, and most importantly, for myself. I need to do all I can. 12 months is going to be a long wait.

Happy thoughts?

Tomorrow Mum is going in for her surgery. As you can read here, she had thought cancer was back, but apparently, it's not. The lump she had gone for is now gone, but they say that shouldn't be happening so soon after her surgery 2 years ago. So, they want to go in a take a look around and check everything is okay. I guess it is largely precautionary. Mum is happy for it to be happening and wanting the peace of mind anyway. She has really struggled with what went on the other week, it shook her terribly, I can't even imagine how it would have felt.

Anyway, so she goes in for surgery tomorrow morning. She will SMS or call me when she is out again. My auntie (her twin sister) just emailed asking if I was worried. I said no, then I said actually, yes. Mostly, because it just brings back the memories of her surgery for cancer. Of the hospital visits for chemotherapy and stuff. It is SO hard to tell myself THIS IS DIFFERENT. It just feels so similar.

Please keep her (and me!) in your thoughts tomorrow. I'll be nervous until I get the all clear call. Whilst results will take a while to come through, if anything untoward IS found, she will find out right away. It'll be okay. I know it.

Happy Fathers Day

Today is fathers day. I've done my best to make sure the kids Dad was spoiled and looked after, not sure if I succeeded or not, though.

It's been a while since I last blogged. A lot has happened.

On Monday night, I went to see Anberlin in concert. It was a 26 song set. HUGE. Such a freaking awesome show, really enjoyed myself, loved it. I wanted to go again! What's great is they recorded a DVD at the show so I'll be able to experience it again and again in time!

Mum watched the kids, she seemed fine, maybe slightly distracted. There is no way in hell I'd have guessed she was told that morning that her cancer was back. No way. And stupid me waffled on about it being her 2 year cancer free anniversary. Facepalm. I am retelling this casually, because as it turns out, her cancer is NOT back. How can such a mistake be made? What happened was that she found another breast lump and went to the oncologist who ordered a biopsy, bone scan and CAT scan, and told her the cancer was back and she would need to make an appointment with the surgeon for a mastectomy. She mentioned this to NO ONE. Not even my Dad until the next night. She was certain this was it, and her number was up. How utterly terrifying. The oncologist seems to have assumed her lump was the cancer returning. What the hell?? It was not until THURSDAY, that's a whole 4 days later, that she went to see the surgeon who looked at the biopsy results and could see NO SIGNS OF CANCER. Her bone and CAT scans were also clear. He believed the lump was a blood blistery thing but wants to open it up and check to make sure. But no, its NOT cancer. I had been trying to call her Thursday morning and been unable to get on to her. I was immediately worried, as I knew she was having the scan (I assumed it was part of the end of 2 years cancer free deal), and was worried she had had bad news. Anyway, I finally got hold of her and she said "I was told on Monday my cancer was back and I've only just found out it's not. I'm a blithering mess. Can I call you back soon?" I calmly and reassuringly said of course, no problem, all good. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. It was such a fright, even knowing it wasn't so. I know she didn't mention it in order to protect me, but I wish she hadn't carried it alone too.

Anyway, its taking her some time to get over the shock and fear. I honestly cannot imagine what that must have been like for her. Hell. Absolute hell. I could kick that oncologist fair in the shins. I am encouraging her to write a letter of complaint, not for any outcome than to feel shes worth standing up for and saying "hey, this was NOT okay to put me through." It took me a day or so to get over my own tears and wobbliness of it, I imagine it will take her some time yet.

On that same Thursday, I went to see my doctor about my holter monitor results, and was told they were not yet back. She called the place that reviews them and asked for it to be made priority and said she would call me that afternoon - or 2 days later as she had a day off. I just wanted an answer :(

I called on Friday and the nurse said she couldn't tell me as she wasn't qualified too - which only worried me more. Agai with my fear taking hold. I really am unsure how to work on it. Anyway, at 9am Saturday morning when I was half way through my 7km walk, my doctor called to tell me that I am okay. I have what is called ectopic beats. Apparently 20% of the population have them, the heart beats an extra beat and its made worse by things like stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, caffeine etc. No treatment is required and they are harmless. I was relieved. Whilst they are unpleasant to experience, at least I don't need to be worried by them. It's a huge relief.

So that catches you up on my week. It was a doozy. I really hope this week is far more boring. Boring is good.

What a day.

Shitty day today. Of course, I had the monitor on this morning still, so couldn't shower until midday, which sucked. I took Finn to school and his teacher pulled me aside to tell me he cries most days, with no explanation. It's getting more frequent, and he doesn't play with anyone in breaks. Nor does he like participating in class unless she directly asks him to. I was heartbroken. My boy is so unhappy at school. Why?? I got in the car and cried. I feel like a failure. I know that he is not confident, is a perfectionist, shy and solitary. This is who he is. In his comfort zone he is happy and smart and witty. I don't know how to help. Creating more opportunities for successes, building his self confidence as best I can. I do this now, I'm not sure how to make it more. I talked to him and nothing is upsetting, bothering, worrying or angering him. I feel so sad. Any ideas how to help him feel more secure, less lonely, and more confident in school?

After that, I went to get the monitor off, and was told I would have to wait a WEEK for results. So stressful. I just want to know if its serious or not :( A week is going to be a long time with the palpitations still frequent. I did get some on the monitor so hopefully they can see it and decide if it is the worrying kind or not. I am told if it is, they'll call sooner but it's a stressful wait.

Then the tape that held the electrodes on left red welts all over me. Awesome.

I just want to go to bed and hide.

Heart stuff

So I got all hooked up to the little device today. Answers are coming, I hope. Only now that I am hooked up, the palps have eased. WTF???? Beyond frustrating. Still, I've 21h to go yet, so surely it can't be that weird?!

Finding my om in the face of frustration

So I called the doctors again, in the hope of getting something over the phone since I have to go in so many times this week for the monitor. The nurse tells me my bloods are fine. "Are you sure? I was told to come in!" I said. She put me on hold and checked with my doctor again, who said she was happy with them. Argh! I guess they had not been doctor checked before. Maybe something was slightly off, but obviously nothing to come in over, after all. Frustrated. So now I have no answer at all. I go get the monitor tomorrow. My instinct tells me its related to the injury I had that went on for weeks... I may need an osteo or something. We'll rule out the heart as the problem first and go from there. Gah. Back to the drawing board.

This quote from Tiny Buddha was especially apt this morning: "Today if you feel limited by your fear, remember: You can assume the worst and allow that to keep you paralyzed, or you can decide to stop wasting your energy analyzing evidence, and focus instead of creating possibilities."

I am going to use that as my mantra today. It's going to be a good day. I am seeing my mum for morning tea, and a friend I've not seen in some time for afternoon tea. Perfection. And? The sun is STILL out! Bliss!!!

Tell me why?

I don't like Mondays... I want to shoot... the whole day down.

Ugh. Monday. And a busy week awaits me. I have RJs dance class this morning, and I have a doctors appointment tonight, since my blood tests have shown something. Of course, they can't tell me what that something is over the phone, so I am left to worry until I get in there and find out. WHAT FUN.

Tomorrow I am supposed to be catching up both with mum and a friend I haven't seen in ages. Wednesday and Thursday are heart monitor days. Friday I am setting aside for sitting on my arse!!!!

I am finding my anxiety is worse in the morning as I struggle to get moving for the day, and to get into the swing of things. It's difficult to force myself to do what needs to be done for the day. I just want to go back to bed! If only it were an option!

Well, at least the sun is shining, that's always a mood improver. I'll keep you posted on the results from the doctor, I am hoping it's something as simple as low iron. Please. :S

Hook Me Up

For a couple of months now I have had heart palpitations on and off. A few weeks back, I was hooked to an ECG which caught them and the doctor assured me they weren't serious, but likely related to a cough I had had, and anxiety. They went away for a bit, but now they are back again. The most likely cause is anxiety, but I went back to the doctor to make sure. This doctor is far more thorough than the last and I had blood taken (thyroid, FBE etc) since those being off kilter can cause palps, and she's ordered me to wear a holter monitor for 24 hours next Wednesday.

This makes me nervous. She said that my heartbeat sounded regular, my BP was fine and pulse wasnt too fast so she isn't concerned and offered to treat the anxiety, but I decided doing this first made sense. The upside is I'll have a definite answer. Serious stuff ruled out once and for all, or, a diagnosis and a way to correct whatever's going on.

I won't lie, I'm kinda nervous about all this, but my anxiety makes me nervous about this stuff anyway. I am glad I will be getting to the bottom of it. Onward!

Being Healthier

J and have decided that we need to be healthier than we have been the last little while. We both feel sluggish and bleaugh so we found some great recipes and have been taking the dog for longer walks. Some of the meals we have planned for the fortnight sound beautiful:

Asian style chicken salad
Balsamic steak with cannellini bean mash
Beef bourguignon with parmesan dumplings
Beef stroganoff with steamed vegies
Honey lemon chicken stirfry
Thai beef stirfry
Pasta with smoked chicken, asparagus, and pesto
Vegie burgers
Chicken and spinach curry
Yogurt rubbed chicken with tomato lentils
Vegetarian Fajitas
Low fat chicken, lemon and herb burger

We also have a night out at gold class and Finns birthday which are both likely to be a little on the indulgent side, but thats ok. Moderation! All the recipes came from the Taste website, from categories such as heart smart, low fat, low GI, low carb, low kilojoule. Yummy!!!


ALSO, whilst I am thinking of it, I was intending my life writing to be about my childhood, but was trying to work out how a bunch of stories could become something with more meaning, and now I think I will combine stories of my childhood, with commentary on Finn's somehow, and make it intergenerational or something. Just an idea I am toying with that I wanted to write down before it flitted out of my brain again, as so many things tend to do!!!!!