Another aside

Firstly, the vegan living is going brilliantly. So enjoying it, and I discovered this Vegan Cupcakes book is available in the form of an iphone app for $5. WINNING. I'm enjoying discovering new ingredients and new ways of cooking still - all stuff my mate Christie had told me long ago that finally clicks into place now. I feel healthy and alive. Yay!!

But, as an aside, I want to send another shout out to my mate, Leanne. She's half way through her chemo now, truckin along like a true champ. But it's starting to hit hard, she's feeling the effects of that poison on her system now, and whilst we know its gotta happen to kill of those pesky cancer cells, sadly it also decimates anything else in it's path. It's pretty unforgiving that way.

She's feeling tired, sick, and pretty craptacular as a result. All part of the cancer road, makes me stabby that she has to run it. As always, she handles it with spectacular grace and wit. She's all kinds of awesome!

Here's my question and please, please, please - if you comment on no other blog today, make it this one - what can I do to help her out? I'm on the other side of the country, so that makes it tricky to say the least. But there must be a present I can send her, or a plan I can form for when she's well again, or something I can do aside from send platitudes and well wishes that while nice, do sweet fuck all in reality. HALP!

No doubt Lea will read this anyway, so it won't necessarily be a surprise, but that might work too. Oi Lea, whaddya need honey child!? Sigh. I love this girl so much. It breaks my heart that she is going through this. Sometimes, I have a wee weep to myself about it, but that's even more useless than platitudes and well wishes so I suck it up and get on with it. Geebus if she can I sure as hell can.

Next weekend, the 12th May, I am volunteering to walk around the Rebels match collecting for Ovarian Cancer Australia, even though I am spending that day lifting and moving house. I know, I know, I'm superwoman, clearly. Point is, it's SOMETHING I can do for Lea, in a round about way. But I'd love to have a greater direct impact on my dear friend. Hit me with your ideas. Go!!

My mate, Lea.

I've talked about my friend Lea here before. She's pretty awesome, as I said. Funny as fuck. You know what else? She's brave, and she has grace. She is inspiring, strong, and basically, flat out amazing.

You hear people say these kind of things about their friends sometimes. You hear it tossed about here and there... People call ME strong, but I got nothing on Lea. You have to read this entry in her blog HERE. Please, go read it. Tell her you are blown away by her attitude. Because seriously? She's fucking 30. I am 34, I have 4 years on this girl and I have nothing on her emotional grace. I could never handle this like Lea. But this IS Leanne. This is who she is, who she's always been. Maybe the cancer, chemo and crap that goes with it is just highlighting it better, but this is Leanne. I'm so glad I can call her a friend. I'm so proud that I've always had her back and she's always had mine. Through thick and thin. Good and bad. Hair and no hair. I adore her.

I read that post of hers, and after I was proud, and after I sat here shaking my head at her positivity and brilliant attitude, I had a bit of a freak out. A case of the 'but what if's...' It's the most serious kind of dread and fear you can experience. Been here before. But then I read the post again. There is no way in hell she won't get through this, I can feel it. I can see it. Look at her!!! Look at her not only handle this, but kick its fucking ARSE!!!! So fucking proud. You're a bloody legend, Lea. I love you.

Friends, old school style.

Some of my mates, especially those I've made online, I've had for freakin YEARS. One such lass, is Lea. Lea and I have been mates, must be going on 10 years or so now. Easy. We've met IRL, and we've spent hours on chats and emails and phone calls over the years. The last few have been pretty awesome for Lea, and with life being hectic for myself, we haven't been in as much contact.

But ya know, this is one of those awesome friendships that picks up where it left off as though nothing ever changed. We can go months without a proper catch up, then it just clicks back in and we cruise again. These are the very best types of friendship. Low maintenance for the win!!!!

Anyhoo, actually, first, I have to share this stupid story - Lea and another friend, Sheri and I were all on msn chatting... this was years ago, and somehow we got to making puns on that song "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" and slogans that we felt could be printed on underwear to make us a killing. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life. Tears, wheezing and achey sides laughing it was. That's Lea though, shes fucking funny.

Anyhoo, the reason I am blogging about her today, is coz she's having a shit of a time. After an amazing few years where she met the love of her life, and married him in an amazing surprise ceremony on her 30th, she's just recently been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I'm pretty fucked off about it, to be honest. Cancer is such a bullshit, arse of a disease. Lea's too young, and got too much awesome in her life to have to jump this hurdle. It makes me stabby. Look, you can say 'well, if anyone can do it, she can' and that's true. The girl has chutzpah you can't even imagine. But that's beside the point. I don't want her to go through this shit. In fact, I am having a tantrum about it and I WILL kick and scream and stomp my feet at the unfairness of it. I'm mad. I watched Mum battle breast cancer and chemo and radio therapies. I saw it drain her, hurt her, and weaken her. I also watched how she changed as a result of it, and she grew soooo much stronger. She is emotionally and physically such a strong woman, I can only imagine how Lea will come out of this. Wonder Woman.

Anyway, keep my mate in your thoughts, send her love and happy, and don't tippy toe around the fact she's scored herself a date with Cancer. She knows it, we know it, and it's fucked. Stay strong for her, don't get emotional - look after yourself or support one another, but don't make her be brave for YOU. Just be the same as ever, if you can manage it, and she'll know you're there if she needs you.

Love you, Leanne.

Happy thoughts?

Tomorrow Mum is going in for her surgery. As you can read here, she had thought cancer was back, but apparently, it's not. The lump she had gone for is now gone, but they say that shouldn't be happening so soon after her surgery 2 years ago. So, they want to go in a take a look around and check everything is okay. I guess it is largely precautionary. Mum is happy for it to be happening and wanting the peace of mind anyway. She has really struggled with what went on the other week, it shook her terribly, I can't even imagine how it would have felt.

Anyway, so she goes in for surgery tomorrow morning. She will SMS or call me when she is out again. My auntie (her twin sister) just emailed asking if I was worried. I said no, then I said actually, yes. Mostly, because it just brings back the memories of her surgery for cancer. Of the hospital visits for chemotherapy and stuff. It is SO hard to tell myself THIS IS DIFFERENT. It just feels so similar.

Please keep her (and me!) in your thoughts tomorrow. I'll be nervous until I get the all clear call. Whilst results will take a while to come through, if anything untoward IS found, she will find out right away. It'll be okay. I know it.

Sucky Anniversary.

This weekend, 12 months ago, I discovered my Mum had breast cancer.

Tonight, I seem to be falling apart. Always surprises me. I ought to know better, grief has no rules, huh? All it takes is one little thing, can be totally unrelated, and the head is yanked from the sand and off it goes.

All these memories are swirling around my head and I can't seem to stop crying.

I remember her saying "I've got breast cancer" and my world felt as though it had shifted right off it's axis. My head literally spun and I felt like I was dreaming, life didn't feel real. I remember gulping to stop myself sobbing. I remember the look on my Dad's face. The fear. The sad. The fact that he could hardly speak. His voice cracked.

I remember 2 weeks later, her telling me how scared she was. Her tears. For the first time to me, she looked old and tired. And so vulnerable.

Getting drunk and high with my sister to escape.

Reading about the precautions post chemo, the extent that was needed to keep her and anyone else safe from the poison. Scared.

Her screaming when she set the kitchen on fire. The realisation at that moment that things were very wrong. She was not Mum as I knew her.

Her head in a turban. Bald.

Watching the chemo mix - bright red - travel up the line into her arm and wanting to rip it out, yet being so fucking grateful it was there.

Crying so much, needing mild sedation.

Feeling grateful that her odds were so good.

The relief at the end of her treatment cycle.

So much fear.



Thank god it is over. Thank god she was so lucky and caught it early. My heart aches for those who are not as lucky.

My heart hurts tonight. I need vodka.

I'm a master of the universe!

I wrote an email to one of my closest friends this morning, and decided to blog it. Today I am going to my graduation for my Master of Arts (Writing and Literature). I was just reading earlier entries in my blog tagged with masters. lol. I really did struggle to get here!


I have been awake since 4am, just thinking about graduation today, and I have felt really anxious. Its bugging me, I should be excited. I mean, I AM excited as well, but there is anxiety and there is also a LOT of emotion. I think, in writing this, I have an idea why - this degree was my escape through my mums cancer battle. There were nights where I was so fucking scared that I was going to lose her and I just immersed myself in the writing to escape thinking and confronting those thoughts. Mum and I are really close. We talk several times a day, she knows all my secrets. The idea of losing her, if not to the cancer then just her mortality at all, was terrifying. One day, in her chemo cycles - chemo can affect you in terms of making you vague and out of it - I took the kids to visit for the day. Mum was playing with Finn, I had RJ in the study, settling her for a nap. The smoke detector went off, which happens for burnt toast there so I didn't react, it is a sensitive alarm. Suddenly, I heard my Mum just screaming... and thought to myself, 'oh man that's serious screaming' so I bolted out and I saw an eerie red glow, and then realised that the kitchen was on fire. She had left oil on the stove and it had caught. She forgot it was on. Chemo.

Anyway, she was standing there screaming for my dad who was outside somewhere. I had to take over, I just told her to get Finn out so she told Finn to go get my dad, Finn was 5!!! So he is running outside scared and crying calling for his pa... Mum was still screaming for Dad and just panicking, and the kitchen was still on fire. I said to her GO OUT AND COMFORT FINN. And I (thank GOD) found their fire extinguisher and start fighting this stupid fire, which when I squirted it, seemed to jump everywhere and make it worse. I started to freak out a little but just kept squirting the hell out of it all. I got it out just as dad came racing in. The smoke was so thick so quickly, and I remembered RJ was in the study, so I told dad it was out as I literally ran and got RJ out and then went and found and checked on Finn and calmed him... it was the single most terrifying moment of my life. It was an awareness that mum wasn't mum, that she had cancer, that this was reality. It was fucking awful. I had to take valium that night to sleep I was so distressed.

This is irrelevant, and yet not. I think, in graduating, I'm letting go of a bit of denial, and now that mum is okay, its still this confronting scary thing and letting go of a comfort or distraction or a denial is a little scary. Am I making any sense? I guess it is as though the masters was a bit of a security blanket because it blocked dealing with things. Now I have to give it up and its great... but scary too? And obviously, IVF was tough, pregnancy was intense, having a newborn is tough, and I did this degree through those too. So many times I wanted to give up. It took me almost a year longer than it should have. But I toughed it out, and I did it. And here I am. I'm proud of me, for this, more than anything else I have ever done. Big day. Overwhelming.


So, through a mix of emotions, today is a big one. I loved the study required to get me this qualification, I really, really, loved it, I feel I found my passion, it was a bonus that it helped me cope with other stuff - I am sure it is the same for many. So, yes I am tooting my own horn and bragging today, but I promise it won't last TOO long... Stay tuned to see how I am rewarding myself for the slog!

Perspective

The past month has impacted on me in a big way, two related events, yet very separate in my life too. Both involve that insidious C word. Last week, my Mum had her very last radiotherapy treatment. This followed several months of chemotherapy, and surgery for breast cancer. This week, her oncologist has told her he will see her in 3 months, she is done. It is beaten. The war has been won.

How momentous! It has been a very, very, long 8 months since she was diagnosed, many tears, many fears and some very difficult times. She did it though, she made it out the other side, and so have we, with her. It is very overwhelming, and difficult to comprehend that this is the end of it. To say we feel lucky is probably an understatement of the grossest kind.

Yesterday, Mum visited for the day. She still wears her scarf on her head, she is only beginning now to grow her hair back after chemotherapy. We were sitting, talking about a whole lot of things, when my friend posted a picture on twitter. I am not sure if you read Stepford Dreams (if not you ought to!); but my friend Carolyn, who authors this blog, I have known for a few years now. In all of this time, I have known of her best friend Alli and her own fight with cancer.

Yesterday, Stepford Dreams twitpic'd herself and Alli in hospital, it was a beautiful picture, a happy one. It made me smile. Then I looked at my mum, and burst into tears. Alli has not been as lucky as my Mum. I am aching for my friend Carolyn, and at the same time, I feel an appreciation, an incredible deep feeling of being grateful that I cannot express fully in words. I cried and both my Mum and I felt so sad, yet so so lucky.

I think too often, we take for granted, the people in our lives, we complain about the small things, we forget the bigger picture. We forget what matters. We don't realise how well off we truly are. We don't tell people often enough that we love them and that they matter in our lives. Today, I feel exceptionally lucky, but at the same time, a deep and aching sadness for my friend and the nightmare she simply cannot wake up from. I feel useless. There is nothing I can do, and that sucks. Please keep them all in your thoughts and prayers.

So, normally snarky, feisty me, not normally one for emotion or anything that could be construed as 'soppy' just wanted to remind you to count your blessings today, and to remember how much worse things could be.

Mum

I don't blog a great deal about Mums breast cancer because its a fairly private thing, and she is very private also. But without going into details, it has been hard in lots of ways. Mum had a tough week this past week, so it was extremely gratifying to have a great old chat yesterday and really tap into where she was at, how she was feeling and feel as though as much as possible - I really understood and was able to convey that and make her feel understood.

In my own experience, that is fairly invaluable, when someone can truly "get it" and know where you are at, and right when you feel completely alone you suddenly see you are not. It can often save you. It often saved me - and my experiences are nowhere near that intense as hers are right now. Has that ever happened to you?

She and I are very close, she is the one who knows EVERYTHING about me. I can talk to her about anything and everything, things I cannot and would not talk to no one else in the world about, she hears! I am so lucky to have that, and it was really nice for me to be able to feel that maybe for once I could do that in return for her too. The woman is absolutely amazing. Honestly, the strength (cliche, I know, I am wincing even writing it) but really, its impressive stuff.

Halfway through the chemo now, then radiotherapy. After that, cancer can fuck right off for good.

Thinking about Mum

Today is Mums second chemo, does anyone know, is she likely to respond similarly to the previous one, or will there be like an accumulated effect and make it worse? Also, (and I should get these answers from the oncologist later anyway) but, could it be the Doxorubicin causing her pain in the chest around the heart kinda? I refuse to google this for fear of possible dodgy results. I should be patient and ask the experts shouldn't I?

I am feeling a little less affected by today than I was her previous session, but I admit I can think of little else right now than to think of her and where she is right now. I am trying but I can't focus on other things for very long. I did get that fiction finished last night, massive achievement. Only got the essay to revise (which will be a lot of work!) but then masters is done and I just have to wait and hope I pass.

Hmm. Focus lost again. I might try again later!