Farewell 2012

It seems like only yesterday I was reflecting on 2011. This year has gone super fast. It was a busy one, that's for sure.

I've lost another 27 kilograms (60 pounds) this year, a total of 40kg (88p) since my surgery. It feels amazing. I still have a belly I need to lose which will take exercise. Exercise is still my nemesis, and a psychological block exists there that needs to be broken down. Still, I've lost an entire Finn, so to give him a piggy back and realise I used to carry that all day everyday is a pretty awesome comparison. My body is under so much less stress now and there is no question I have prolonged my life by doing this. It makes it easier when food gives me grief or I am having a rough eating day.

This time 12 months ago I had long hair, 1 tattoo, no piercings other than my ears, and I weighed 27kg more. Now I have shorter hair, 2 tattoos and a nose piercing, and am lighter. I feel every day I become truer to who I am and how I express that. It's an amazing feeling.

In 2012 I worked bloody hard at self esteem and self worth. Damn hard. SO hard. I came a very long way. So many things rattled me as I was vulnerable to them but I forged ahead. Again I have a way to go but comparing now to 12 months ago I have come so far it blows my mind. I no longer have a deep seated self hatred and disgust at who I am. I like me - inside and out. And that's a massive change. Next comes self love?

I made and lost friends in 2012 and while each loss shook me (and said esteem) and rattled me and caused me to question myself, each one also cemented who I am and the reflection and self doubt led to more certainty and awareness of myself, and can only be a good thing. The friends I have are not just friends. They are ones I'd trust my life to. They are the real deal. They are more like family. I am so incredibly lucky to have them and it's something I try never to take for granted.

Speaking of family, it went a bit pear shaped this year. My brother and I, who have had a fairly rocky relationship, are no longer in any contact and haven't been since July. I miss my niece and nephew but this is a far better choice for me.

I guess my blog highlights the most impacting change I made this year in my eventual - slow but sure - progress to adopting a cruelty free lifestyle and a vegan diet. It was an on and off road, I struggled and took my time to understand some of the new food options but I was determined. It meant too much to me not to keep trying and exploring it. I am now firmly entrenched in vegan living and nothing has made me happier. It feels wonderful, and it's who I am, inside. In my day to day life, I don't know or interact with any other vegans, except online. It can be isolating at times, and can feel like no one really understands me, although they all try and are considerate of my decision. Attending events like World Vegan Day and the Carols by Barnlight at Edgars Mission were profound and exciting. Being amongst like minds felt like a relief. I could just be me, no justifications, no defensiveness, just accepted and understood. Pretty powerful stuff. I need to expose myself to more of that. The supports I have online are amazing. In fact, I suspect in 2013, things are going to expand and take off again in this area as my good friend Vik and I have so many ideas for our 2 Vegan Girls venture. I am so inspired and excited about it!

My gorgeous Great Dane Gertie came to live with me, and we had a rough year. Poor love was diagnosed with dodgy kidneys and her life span went from 8y to 2y in an instant. It hit hard. She also had 2 incidents of poisoning which scared the hell out of me, but several thousand dollars later, she's still here, and still a giant, beautiful, sook. How I adore her!

We moved house in May, and have a huge block now for kids and animals to run wild. We added rabbits to our menagerie and aside from adjusting to the dreadful cold of winter in a house with high ceilings and a wood fire, it's pretty cool. My children continue to delight me. Finn is smart and wise and hitting preteen stuff at a rapid rate, scaring the bejeesus out of me at how quickly he is growing. RJ is a wicked delight, constantly making me laugh and cringe all at once. Preparing to have both of my children out of the home for a significant portion of the week with school and kinder terrifies me. I have been a stay at home full time mum for 9 years now and this is it. No more. It's scary and makes my heart hurt a bit. I know I will adapt, but it's going to be a rough ride.

I can't close out the rehash of 2012 without mentioning the major highlight. Something happened this year that I never imagined would, that is a dream come true, quite literally. I met the most inspiring and influential musicians - my absolute hands down all time favourite band: The Tea Party. Their music changed my life, changed how I view music and what it can be in life. That they reunited was major enough, but that they came to Australia and I saw them twice, and met them - was able to shake their hands and thank them... Fuck me. That blows my mind, still. What beautiful guys they are, I am so excited to see what 2013 brings for them and for me by extension in listening to what they create. Nothing topped that moment. It was amazing! Telling the guy on the door "no, not a competition winner, JB put my name down..." Nothing cooler. Nothing.

So, what of 2013? I feel like the critical thing to work on next year the same way I tackled esteem this year is laziness. No more having ideas but avoiding actioning them. Write. Create. Move. I know I can do this! No more getting in my own way. Exploring more veganism issues, studying again, and continuing to blossom into the truest Kelly I can be feels exciting. Let's go!

Happy 2013 to you and yours xx

Happy heart, happy body!

Yesterday I finally got around to visiting Edgar's Mission. It's a farm sanctuary here in Victoria and I have been meaning to visit for a good year now but had never gotten around to it. I decided to take the kids to their carols by barn light event. As it turned out my poor fair children were wilting in the extreme heat after barely 2 hours and we ended up leaving before the carols even began! A shame, but we filled the time we did have there so well. There was loads of vegan food (kids devoured vegan brownies and vegan ice cream), hundreds of likeminded people (several with the 269 tattoo), and happy, trusting, secure animals. I dont think I've ever enjoyed something more. So wonderful!!! The kids enjoyed it, petting the animals and there was an education room where they had a pretend sow in a sow stall and pretend chickens in a crammed cage and I was able to explain it to the kids. I hope it gets them thinking. I said to them when they were petting a turkey, THIS, THIS is why we are not having turkey for Xmas this year kiddos.
There were a few stalls set up too with merchandise and whatnot. I grabbed a great book from the store there as well called The Pig Who Sang to the Moon by Jeffrey Masson. I've heard a lot about this book so I am looking forward to reading it now. I feel inspired after this visit. There's something incredibly special about seeing the animals you've been wanting to save by going vegan up close and personal. It reaffirms your beliefs, and strengthens your commitment. Makes me want to do more and be more, and has me writing again. Blessings! Below is the article I wrote after interviewing Pam for World Vegan Day.

Edgar’s Mission is a not-for-profit farm sanctuary for rescued farm animals. Located in country Victoria, Pam Ahern and Edgar’s Mission are continually saving lives, conducting public outreach and offering a humane education program to the public.

In an ideal world, Pam hopes to see herself out of business, with no need for a place like Edgar’s Mission to exist. A world where the need for a farm sanctuary is no longer, where humans have moved into a deeper awareness of animal rights and cruelty free lifestyles. Pam works flat out, trying to meet the demands not only of the animals, but also in making rescues, campaigning and spreading the word, not to mention administrative tasks.

Pam suggests that a growing vegan market and awareness of a cruelty free lifestyle is much attributed to technology and the ease with which people can access information about vegan lifestyle choices. Additionally, “the threat of global warming has started a shift in people’s attitudes.  People are beginning to be open to the idea that the status quo isn’t appropriate anymore.  They understand that it is imperative to consider the environmental and ethical impact of the choices they make.”

The Edgar’s Mission website http://www.edgarsmission.org.au/ offers many ideas for the public to help the animals at Edgar’s Mission, from adoption, to donation, to volunteering for a day of hands on farming. There is also an online store offering everything from clothing to books and bags. 100% of the store’s proceeds go back into the farm and it’s animal residents.

Edgar’s Mission offers a unique visiting experience for volunteers and for vegans, it’s exciting to see first hand exactly what they dream of – a kind, happy, animal farm. By stopping by their stall at World Vegan Day, you can meet for yourself one of Edgar’s Mission’s joyful, content, animal ambassadors! 

A very vegan Christmas?

This year will be my first meatless Christmas. I'm determined to make it 100% vegan but that becomes increasingly difficult when you're planning a family lunch with all omnivores. So what do I do? I mean, it's their Christmas too and they're looking forward to a great Christmas feast. Including dead animal flesh.

So do I make my own food and let them prepare what they want, knowing only I will eat the vegan stuff? Do I insist on making at least some parts vegan only - surely they can accept vegan plum pudding? Do I skip traditional food and aim for lots of salads and appetizers instead of a great nut roast and hope that pleases?

I don't really know how to handle this. And it's the first of many. Anyone got ideas or experiences with this?

Happy Birthday, me.

So, it's my birthday. I'm 35. I wasn't feeling good about turning 35, it just felt like I'd reached a crest and am now on the other side. From youngish to Middle Aged. Closer ever closer to the big four-oh. But, it sure beats the alternative. If I'm not aging I'm dead!

When I think about my life and look at the bigger picture, there's so much to be grateful for. There's so much to love about being me. I challenge myself endlessly for self growth and am making some pretty awesome leaps and bounds. Physically and mentally I'm a different person to the me of 12 months ago and I'm really proud of that.

I spend my life in the company of the most amazing friends anyone could imagine. The people in my life are not just people to pass time with or good mates. They are inspiring. They are real. They care about me and they cheer me on. They cry with me they celebrate with me and they genuinely care about my life and my happiness. I'm so lucky to have so many of those people in my life. It's overwhelming. I'm so grateful. From all over the world, my friends make my life so special every single day.

And my children. Who couldn't feel good about a life with these two in it?! My reserved, smart, sensitive, son who feels things so deeply and just wants to please. My funny, feisty, happy sunshine daughter who makes me giggle daily. So different to one another but so bloody amazing. They're my life. They're my reason. I'd do all the hard painful parts of my life over and over if it meant they are mine. I'm incredibly lucky to have them.

I've a friendship strengthened by blood bond with my mum and sister that fills me with a deep sense of belonging and happiness that comes from knowing I'm understood. Truly understood. I talk to mum every single day. She knows all my secrets and loves me completely. Nothing tops that feeling.

I have things I believe in passionately. Causes, creative ventures, things that make my soul sing and hum. I vibrate with life. I'm happy. I'm 35.

My darling sister

On Friday, I went to my sisters for lunch. She is a meat eater, yet she goes to SO much trouble to make a vegan meal for me that it just makes me emotional. It's so caring and so supportive of my choice. She says that she feels bad for eating meat and doesn't blame me for judging her. I said I don't - not really. I have moments but I realise everyone is on their own path and that you accept and go to such effort for me is a show of support in itself.

She really laid on a feast, too. We had fruit in dark chocolate sauce, stuffed olives, cannellini bean and vegetable soup, a yummy salad and chickpea burgers and sausages. Then she showed me that whilst passing a bakery, she had seen vegan cupcakes for sale so had brought me two red velvet vegan cuppies. Bless her! How kind is that?!

I got she and my mum to taste the cuppies, both were floored when I explained the cuppie had beetroot in it, and the icing was tofu and lemon zest. You'd never guess it!!! DIVINE. My sister is awesome. My birthday is Friday so she even stuck a candle in the cuppie and they sang to me.

This is my beautiful sister with her lovely 'Squeak' who she has raised from an egg!

Red velvet vegan cupcake!

How good does this soup look? Tasted amazing.

BBQ - Vegan style!!!

My nest is emptying a little

I'm scared. There. I've said it. Scared may even be an understatement. Here's the backstory - I tried for almost 3 years to conceive my son. Eventually, I did so, and he is my precious firstborn. He's now 9, and in grade 3, time is flying by at a pace I cannot keep up with. We started trying for a second child when he was just 6 months old, knowing how long it had taken to get him, and aware the same challenge may present itself. In fact, it was worse. It took five long, pain filled years, rounds of clomid, of artificial inseminations, of giving up altogether, then of IVF and finally, finally, my beautiful daughter was conceived and came into this world. She is turning 4 next month. You know what that means, right?

It means next year she is off to kindergarten. 15 hours a week there, before beginning school in 2014. And I... I can hardly bear to think of it. That sounds dramatic, but you must understand how longed for my babies were. How much I have valued every second that slips past faster than I can grab onto it. How much I enjoy their company. When RJ was just two months old, my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. That first year of her life was a blur of chemo, surgeries, and fear. Not to mention the masters thesis that I had to write and submit. Mum is now three years cancer free, my masters is completed, and my baby girl is about to start leaving the nest.

I don't know how to prepare myself for this. Just thinking about it makes tears well up on my eyes and my heart pound. I know I am overreacting and I know I will adjust. God help me when they leave home. I am going back to school next year, so that will help me stay busy while she is gone. I have the Two Vegan Girls project to invest myself in. I just know I will feel like I am missing a limb when my little sidekick is no longer here beside me, permanently. It will be okay... right?? :(

I miss you

5 years today. I cannot believe it's been that long since we lost you. Dude, that's awful. I am now older than you ever were :(

I never forget you. I think about you often. Sort of weird that today is the anniversary of your death, a guy I always considered to be my big bro, and today I happened to argue so terribly with my actual younger brother that I don't ever want to speak to him again. Weird that. Makes me miss you more.

RIP, mate xx

Sorry

Edenland started a powerful blog link this week. I've found myself really overwhelmed by the emotion in these posts. They're filled with pain and heart, and they are amazing to read. I wanted to join. I've felt overwhelmed by it. I'll try. I expect to need a box of tissues by the time I finish. :/

I'm sorry I was never enough to make you proud. I'm sorry that my best efforts failed. I'm sorry that I have disappointed you and let you down, over and over. I'm sorry that I have not been someone you can love, totally.

I'm sorry I am not social enough. I'm sorry this effects you. I'm sorry you are not confident and that no matter how I try, I can't make you see the awesome you are. I'm sorry you feel things so deeply and experience the same anxiety I always have. I'm sorry I don't hug you more.

I'm sorry I didn't wait longer. Give more. I'm sorry I didn't love less conditionally. I'm sorry I let go. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm sorry you can't see what I see when I look at you. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you, or take away your fears. I tried so hard. I wanted to, so much. I'm so sorry we failed. I'm sorry I don't have courage. I'm sorry I am so insecure. I'm sorry I'm not prettier, thinner, smarter. I'm so, so, sorry I hurt you.

Me

So, I've mentioned before how awesome my friends are, I know. Last night I was feeling left behind. I feel like all my friends have normal lives and are off leading them and I am just... drifting. I was cranky that a friend had plans and couldn't make a movie with me. I spoke to a close friend who reminded me that I could go alone, and that maybe, it might actually be a good thing for me to do. A challenge in the self acceptance I want to nurture. It was very true, and struck a chord. Why is being alone in social situations so scary for most of us? I can shop alone, sure. But talk about seeing a movie alone, or eating at a restaurant on my own and I panic. Why? It is vulnerable, certainly. But we should cherish our time alone, being with ourselves, I'm sure of it. My friend offered this pearl of true wisdom:

It's only when we're truly comfortable with ourselves that we will ever be able to be truly comfortable with someone else.

She's so right. And it's a gift to feel good with your own company. You can always rely on it, you know? Anyway, it turns out that a few friends and my mum and aunt are going to see a movie Friday arvo. But the idea stayed with me, and I wanted to explore it and challenge myself. I feel like this is really important for everything I have been working towards this year and my quest for happy and self acceptance. So I found something else, something I have been talking about on here and in general for months, and I locked in some Italian lessons for myself. 6 weeks worth, 3hours a week. I am nervous and excited! I had texts to buy (thank you every cheap book depository site!) and I am all ready to go come Feb. I'm thrilled too, because one of my besties, has German lessons at the same time so we can hook up for lunch afterwards. This will be great for me, I can feel it.

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done...
Another year over... A new one just begun.

Or, almost. Merry Christmas, friends. Talk about a time for reflection. Moreso than at any other time of the year, we seem to reflect on where we are at around Christmas and the end of the year. I have a lot to think about this year. My heart, my mind and my body have all been through the ringer this year. It has been a real challenge. It was not an easy year, but I feel really excited about the future. Ever since my op, I desperately wanted to make it to Christmas Day. I was so scared I'd have a complication and not be here for it. To have made it through is a massive relief and exciting for me. I was there for RJs birthday, Finns end of school year celebrations, and Christmas. Phew.

For Christmas, Finn asked that we stay home for the day, rather than go and see family and we agreed. It was the best decision, it really was. For the family, and for me personally. We spent Christmas Eve with my family, and it was fun - but hot and tiring. Christmas Day was spent with the kids playing with their toys, eating yummy (and sparse!) food and enjoying time together. That and Wii Sing It Downunder. LOVE.

2012 is going to be an interesting year. I go into it having lost 17kg since October, and I feel great. I still have some niggles that need to settle, but my adventure is beginning. I am curious to see where I am this time next year. I hope I can fit another overseas trip in, and I want to write (though my PhD proposal was rejected for the marks I got when RJ was newborn and Mum was having chemo for cancer, bit unfair but such is life!) If New Years Eve came, and we started 2011 over, would you do the same things again? I have to say that most of it, I would. I'd sure as hell still see NYC! I'd still have this operation. I'd still have worked madly on getting my head straight.

I am grateful for so much.

I am grateful for amazing friends who always have my back, who love me unconditionally, and who support and encourage me every single day. I am grateful for my beautiful children who are healthy, happy, and who want for nothing. They are creative, funny, and smart and so loving. I am grateful for my health, and for knowing it will keep improving as I shed kilos. I am grateful for my family, their support and love. I have so much hope for the future, I have spent a lot of this year thinking about happiness, how t get more, how to be more content and I feel like it is working. I still have my battles to fight, don't we all? But I have come a long way and I know I can keep learning and improving in the years to come. Thats what life is all about. :)

Merry Christmas, and a happy 2012 to you and yours xx

My sister is awesome

My sister is the best. She knows I am stuck on liquids and purees for a bit, so she sent me a fantastic gift. A juicer!!!!!

The accompanying card made me teary...



So today I decided to give it a run. So much fun. Here I am all set to juice. I have chopped up apples with skin removed (probably not necessary but my tum is still sensitive), peeled chopped carrot, celery pieces and 2 peeled and quartered oranges.



Put it all in and prepare to hit go.



Voila, 3 seconds later...



Oops, I let it sit a sec whilst I did the dishes and clean up.



No matter, a brisk stir and we are back to this glorious orange color!



Let me assure you it tasted AMAZING. I am stoked. Thank you sister, dear xxx

Catch up

What a busy week that was!!!

Firstly, we went to The Wiggles concert last Sunday the 4th, which was RJ heaven. She was able to briefly meet Murray when she handed him roses for Dorothy which made her day. It was a good day but geez they're starting to age.. Yikes. Anyway, we had fun and I survived my first big post op outing. Yay!

On Tuesday, Finn had his keyboard open day, a mini concert where he played a solo, and also got a solo in the group song all of his own, since he taught himself the latter part of the song that no one else knows. So proud. He really has got some amazing skills now, and is playing brilliantly.



On Wednesday we had RJs ballet concert which was absolutely adorable. Kids of all ages performed but the 2 year olds were just especially cute. She loved it and kept saying she wanted to do it again. She has since been showing off her ballet moves to all and sundry at school. Made for the stage this kid. So beautiful!



On Thursday I went to see the dietician and found I've lost a total of 16.3kg now, I am going great guns and am able to go from liquids to mushy foods (trickier than it sounds, most foods still feel too much for me). It's nice to have choice in my diet again, even a small choice. It'll be a long month or so to get back to a normal diet though.

Friday I had to get one of my incision wounds checked, its a bit iffy, but nothing to worry about which was a relief. This weekend we celebrated RJ and Js birthdays since their actual birthdays fall on Tuesday, and no one is around! We have another very hectic week ahead. I will be glad to hit Xmas and fall in a heap I can tell you! Sheesh!

Yawn

Wassup? Slack blogger as per. It's school holidays, and my boy has been super sick for most of it thus far. It started with a headache the Thursday night before the last day of term. He insisted on going to the school play anyway, since it was the final performance. By Friday morning he was immobile on the couch with horrible headaches. He threw up once, but that was it. Saturday we went to the doctor who said 'I don't know. Virus?" Helpful. Another day on the couch, no appetite, and he stayed that way most of the week. Yesterday (Thursday, a week later...) he ate a little and didn't have a day nap for the first time in a week. Today he is a little more improved again. It's been a slow recovery, though. Poor kid. Not much of a holiday hes having. Next week he wants to stay at Mums for a night. We went up today for a day trip visit to get him out of the house at least.

It's been a long week for many reasons. I'm finding comfort and escape in a book, very typical. It's helping though. Also, J offered me the cash to get the surgery done ASAP so I have an appointment with the surgeon October 12. Nervous, but excited. Just want to get it over with now. Weird feeling. I need to go to a gold class movie as a goodbye!

Finishing with a photo from the trip to Mums today. Kids had a great time :)

Happy thoughts?

Tomorrow Mum is going in for her surgery. As you can read here, she had thought cancer was back, but apparently, it's not. The lump she had gone for is now gone, but they say that shouldn't be happening so soon after her surgery 2 years ago. So, they want to go in a take a look around and check everything is okay. I guess it is largely precautionary. Mum is happy for it to be happening and wanting the peace of mind anyway. She has really struggled with what went on the other week, it shook her terribly, I can't even imagine how it would have felt.

Anyway, so she goes in for surgery tomorrow morning. She will SMS or call me when she is out again. My auntie (her twin sister) just emailed asking if I was worried. I said no, then I said actually, yes. Mostly, because it just brings back the memories of her surgery for cancer. Of the hospital visits for chemotherapy and stuff. It is SO hard to tell myself THIS IS DIFFERENT. It just feels so similar.

Please keep her (and me!) in your thoughts tomorrow. I'll be nervous until I get the all clear call. Whilst results will take a while to come through, if anything untoward IS found, she will find out right away. It'll be okay. I know it.

Happy Fathers Day

Today is fathers day. I've done my best to make sure the kids Dad was spoiled and looked after, not sure if I succeeded or not, though.

It's been a while since I last blogged. A lot has happened.

On Monday night, I went to see Anberlin in concert. It was a 26 song set. HUGE. Such a freaking awesome show, really enjoyed myself, loved it. I wanted to go again! What's great is they recorded a DVD at the show so I'll be able to experience it again and again in time!

Mum watched the kids, she seemed fine, maybe slightly distracted. There is no way in hell I'd have guessed she was told that morning that her cancer was back. No way. And stupid me waffled on about it being her 2 year cancer free anniversary. Facepalm. I am retelling this casually, because as it turns out, her cancer is NOT back. How can such a mistake be made? What happened was that she found another breast lump and went to the oncologist who ordered a biopsy, bone scan and CAT scan, and told her the cancer was back and she would need to make an appointment with the surgeon for a mastectomy. She mentioned this to NO ONE. Not even my Dad until the next night. She was certain this was it, and her number was up. How utterly terrifying. The oncologist seems to have assumed her lump was the cancer returning. What the hell?? It was not until THURSDAY, that's a whole 4 days later, that she went to see the surgeon who looked at the biopsy results and could see NO SIGNS OF CANCER. Her bone and CAT scans were also clear. He believed the lump was a blood blistery thing but wants to open it up and check to make sure. But no, its NOT cancer. I had been trying to call her Thursday morning and been unable to get on to her. I was immediately worried, as I knew she was having the scan (I assumed it was part of the end of 2 years cancer free deal), and was worried she had had bad news. Anyway, I finally got hold of her and she said "I was told on Monday my cancer was back and I've only just found out it's not. I'm a blithering mess. Can I call you back soon?" I calmly and reassuringly said of course, no problem, all good. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. It was such a fright, even knowing it wasn't so. I know she didn't mention it in order to protect me, but I wish she hadn't carried it alone too.

Anyway, its taking her some time to get over the shock and fear. I honestly cannot imagine what that must have been like for her. Hell. Absolute hell. I could kick that oncologist fair in the shins. I am encouraging her to write a letter of complaint, not for any outcome than to feel shes worth standing up for and saying "hey, this was NOT okay to put me through." It took me a day or so to get over my own tears and wobbliness of it, I imagine it will take her some time yet.

On that same Thursday, I went to see my doctor about my holter monitor results, and was told they were not yet back. She called the place that reviews them and asked for it to be made priority and said she would call me that afternoon - or 2 days later as she had a day off. I just wanted an answer :(

I called on Friday and the nurse said she couldn't tell me as she wasn't qualified too - which only worried me more. Agai with my fear taking hold. I really am unsure how to work on it. Anyway, at 9am Saturday morning when I was half way through my 7km walk, my doctor called to tell me that I am okay. I have what is called ectopic beats. Apparently 20% of the population have them, the heart beats an extra beat and its made worse by things like stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, caffeine etc. No treatment is required and they are harmless. I was relieved. Whilst they are unpleasant to experience, at least I don't need to be worried by them. It's a huge relief.

So that catches you up on my week. It was a doozy. I really hope this week is far more boring. Boring is good.

Finding my om in the face of frustration

So I called the doctors again, in the hope of getting something over the phone since I have to go in so many times this week for the monitor. The nurse tells me my bloods are fine. "Are you sure? I was told to come in!" I said. She put me on hold and checked with my doctor again, who said she was happy with them. Argh! I guess they had not been doctor checked before. Maybe something was slightly off, but obviously nothing to come in over, after all. Frustrated. So now I have no answer at all. I go get the monitor tomorrow. My instinct tells me its related to the injury I had that went on for weeks... I may need an osteo or something. We'll rule out the heart as the problem first and go from there. Gah. Back to the drawing board.

This quote from Tiny Buddha was especially apt this morning: "Today if you feel limited by your fear, remember: You can assume the worst and allow that to keep you paralyzed, or you can decide to stop wasting your energy analyzing evidence, and focus instead of creating possibilities."

I am going to use that as my mantra today. It's going to be a good day. I am seeing my mum for morning tea, and a friend I've not seen in some time for afternoon tea. Perfection. And? The sun is STILL out! Bliss!!!

Holidays!

I am currently trying to plan my next holiday. As you are aware if you read me often, I tend to make a habit lately, of taking off with 2 of my best mates for long weekends of indulgence and drunken silliness. We're planning another trip, but not until January, because Fleur is headed to Europe with her hubby in less than 8 weeks, lucky devil!!! So we are talking City V Island adventures at the moment, both hold definite appeal. Which would you choose? Either way, there is bound to be a lot of relaxation, good food, and cocktails.

Aside from that, I want to plan my own holiday. I'm in a bit of a bind though. I have an outside chance of a fairly decent holiday early next year to Europe, but it may not come through. If not there is still a good likelihood of a mini solo trip overseas sometime next year. I'm thinking maybe Italy or France. Bliss.

On top of that, I would really like to take the kids away again. Last year we went to QLD, this year somewhere different. I want to show them out country bit by bit, state by state. Tourist destination by tourist destination. Giant banana by giant shrimp. You get the idea.

In summary, I need to win the lotto. :/

My Mum

Do you ever have moments - morbid ones - where you think... What the hell am I going to do if/when I lose my Mum? Or is that just me being morbid? (almost certainly).

Thing is, my Mum is a best friend. I tell her everything. Literally everything. Even the TMI stuff. She 'gets me' in a way that no one else on earth gets me. I can be all kinds of versions of myself with her and she accepts them all, good, bad, ugly, beautiful and loves me anyway. No matter what evil I have done.

This is not a given for any mother. Some mothers do not deserve their title. Some mothers don't know their children at all, let alone how their brains tick. Some are abusive. Some are just awful. My Mum never really had a good mother herself. She didn't learn from a role model how to be a good Mum. She made it up as she went along. And she did it brilliantly. People often tell me I am a good Mum and they admire my parenting. It's credit to her. I had that good model.

She knows how to handle me when I am anxious, when I am sad, when I am happy. And when I am sick or sad, I still, even at 33, think to myself... "I want my Mum" :( I remember feeling that way at 8, in the sick bay at school, and I'd hear the familiar jingle of her keys and see her familiar shoes pass by the window with its blind half down and I'd feel this enormous sense of "ahhh it'll be okay now."

I remember walking around in her hot pink high heels that I just LOVED, when I was around the same age, and hoping that some day, I'd be a mother as good as her. I've not managed it yet, but there's still time.

Every bedtime, she would always leave the room saying quietly, "Mummy loves..." I now say the same thing to my own babes each night. It feels special. She and RJ share their middle name, it's a little honour, but it never feels enough. What could?!

I'm not sure how I'd ever get by without her. I love you, Mum!

330am

There are still nights that I lay here awake, terrified mums cancer might return. I wonder does that ever pass?

Wordless Wednesday: Me & My babes

Photo by Andrew T. ©