I am not who I was, any longer.

The last 5 years I have been through the sort of changes most people might go through over a decade or more. It has been seriously intense and as it dawns on me just how much I have changed, I feel this weird mixture of excitement and fear.

5 years ago I was about to fall pregnant with my second child, I weighed a LOT, I was married (albeit unhappily), and Mum was beginning her cancer battle. Now I am 40 kilograms lighter, my second child is off to kinder, I am separated, Mum is well, and I am a vegan. We could be two different people. For 10 years I have been a full time mum, and letting that go and knowing this is it, is a scary feeling. What do I do with myself now??? Sure they still need me and will for a time yet, but it's not the same, independence has begun. I am the most alone I have ever been. In lots of ways. Friends are heading in different directions with pregnancies, babies, houses... I am sort of out here in the wilderness.

I see this as an exciting time, but it is unsettling and nerve wracking as well. There is a part of me that has a desperate urge to disappear for a bit. All these changes, the failed dating, the confused mind, the emotional weight of my babe heading out into the world - it's exhausted me. I have this need to shut down, switch off and hide in my cave for a while. Of course practically that's pretty much impossible.

What I have done, is book myself a night away. Just one night, but at least it's something. Some space, some time out. As an introvert, I recharge by being alone. I am never really alone for long, though I guess with real kinder hours beginning next week I will get some time. Everything feels chaotic, like a whirl of thoughts I can't quite grasp, unsettled and unstable. It's intense. I don't quite know how to handle it.

End ramble.

Heart

I've been slack blogger lately. Mostly because I've had an awesome time setting up the Two Vegan Girls site with my dear friend, Vik. It's pretty awesome, I am excited about it and where it might go. We've also been busy writing and coupled with school holidays and the usual stuff, life's been a bit busier.

So, time to shift focus again. To be strong. To try and hang in there. Forget the heart and lead with the head for a bit. Concentrate on 2VG, on uni starting in a month or so, and on meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone more often. I feel like I am on the verge of a major life shift. I can choose to go with it, fear and all and see what wonder it brings, or I can stay safe in my familiar though stunted current life. I know which I have to choose, I hope I can find the courage and motivation to embrace it.

It'll be okay.

Farewell 2012

It seems like only yesterday I was reflecting on 2011. This year has gone super fast. It was a busy one, that's for sure.

I've lost another 27 kilograms (60 pounds) this year, a total of 40kg (88p) since my surgery. It feels amazing. I still have a belly I need to lose which will take exercise. Exercise is still my nemesis, and a psychological block exists there that needs to be broken down. Still, I've lost an entire Finn, so to give him a piggy back and realise I used to carry that all day everyday is a pretty awesome comparison. My body is under so much less stress now and there is no question I have prolonged my life by doing this. It makes it easier when food gives me grief or I am having a rough eating day.

This time 12 months ago I had long hair, 1 tattoo, no piercings other than my ears, and I weighed 27kg more. Now I have shorter hair, 2 tattoos and a nose piercing, and am lighter. I feel every day I become truer to who I am and how I express that. It's an amazing feeling.

In 2012 I worked bloody hard at self esteem and self worth. Damn hard. SO hard. I came a very long way. So many things rattled me as I was vulnerable to them but I forged ahead. Again I have a way to go but comparing now to 12 months ago I have come so far it blows my mind. I no longer have a deep seated self hatred and disgust at who I am. I like me - inside and out. And that's a massive change. Next comes self love?

I made and lost friends in 2012 and while each loss shook me (and said esteem) and rattled me and caused me to question myself, each one also cemented who I am and the reflection and self doubt led to more certainty and awareness of myself, and can only be a good thing. The friends I have are not just friends. They are ones I'd trust my life to. They are the real deal. They are more like family. I am so incredibly lucky to have them and it's something I try never to take for granted.

Speaking of family, it went a bit pear shaped this year. My brother and I, who have had a fairly rocky relationship, are no longer in any contact and haven't been since July. I miss my niece and nephew but this is a far better choice for me.

I guess my blog highlights the most impacting change I made this year in my eventual - slow but sure - progress to adopting a cruelty free lifestyle and a vegan diet. It was an on and off road, I struggled and took my time to understand some of the new food options but I was determined. It meant too much to me not to keep trying and exploring it. I am now firmly entrenched in vegan living and nothing has made me happier. It feels wonderful, and it's who I am, inside. In my day to day life, I don't know or interact with any other vegans, except online. It can be isolating at times, and can feel like no one really understands me, although they all try and are considerate of my decision. Attending events like World Vegan Day and the Carols by Barnlight at Edgars Mission were profound and exciting. Being amongst like minds felt like a relief. I could just be me, no justifications, no defensiveness, just accepted and understood. Pretty powerful stuff. I need to expose myself to more of that. The supports I have online are amazing. In fact, I suspect in 2013, things are going to expand and take off again in this area as my good friend Vik and I have so many ideas for our 2 Vegan Girls venture. I am so inspired and excited about it!

My gorgeous Great Dane Gertie came to live with me, and we had a rough year. Poor love was diagnosed with dodgy kidneys and her life span went from 8y to 2y in an instant. It hit hard. She also had 2 incidents of poisoning which scared the hell out of me, but several thousand dollars later, she's still here, and still a giant, beautiful, sook. How I adore her!

We moved house in May, and have a huge block now for kids and animals to run wild. We added rabbits to our menagerie and aside from adjusting to the dreadful cold of winter in a house with high ceilings and a wood fire, it's pretty cool. My children continue to delight me. Finn is smart and wise and hitting preteen stuff at a rapid rate, scaring the bejeesus out of me at how quickly he is growing. RJ is a wicked delight, constantly making me laugh and cringe all at once. Preparing to have both of my children out of the home for a significant portion of the week with school and kinder terrifies me. I have been a stay at home full time mum for 9 years now and this is it. No more. It's scary and makes my heart hurt a bit. I know I will adapt, but it's going to be a rough ride.

I can't close out the rehash of 2012 without mentioning the major highlight. Something happened this year that I never imagined would, that is a dream come true, quite literally. I met the most inspiring and influential musicians - my absolute hands down all time favourite band: The Tea Party. Their music changed my life, changed how I view music and what it can be in life. That they reunited was major enough, but that they came to Australia and I saw them twice, and met them - was able to shake their hands and thank them... Fuck me. That blows my mind, still. What beautiful guys they are, I am so excited to see what 2013 brings for them and for me by extension in listening to what they create. Nothing topped that moment. It was amazing! Telling the guy on the door "no, not a competition winner, JB put my name down..." Nothing cooler. Nothing.

So, what of 2013? I feel like the critical thing to work on next year the same way I tackled esteem this year is laziness. No more having ideas but avoiding actioning them. Write. Create. Move. I know I can do this! No more getting in my own way. Exploring more veganism issues, studying again, and continuing to blossom into the truest Kelly I can be feels exciting. Let's go!

Happy 2013 to you and yours xx

Can you help me?

To say I am an emotional person is to say the Grand Canyon is kinda big. I feel everything intensely. A cause I believe in? I am all in. Relationships? I love with my entire heart, give it all and am loyal to a fault. This is not normal, and naturally I rarely get the same sort of thing in return, and that can lead to innrer turmoil, despite logically understanding it's me that is not normal in what I give.

When you feel everything so deeply, you can imagine too, what negative emotions can be like. I feel fear and hurt so deeply it becomes devastating. And self hatred? If there is a hell, that's what it feels like.

It's pushed people away. Some I am glad to see go (after all, if they can't empathize and accept my faults, then they're not the people I thought they were, or want in my life anyway) others I regret seeing leave.

I don't know how to be any other way. I've fairly been called intense, over the top, melodramatic. It's not by choice, I just literally don't know how to bring emotions back to a manageable level. I don't know how to keep things in control. God knows I have tried. The only thing that's ever enabled me to think logically and not react emotionally, is a heavy painkiller that numbs things. That's hardly a sustainable way to live.

So what do I do? How do I fix this? How can I live a little less from my poor heart? Help me.

Changing Kelly

My life is such an unplanned mystery right now. I have friends who are happily married, raising kids, planning families, buying homes... But I am heading in a completely different direction. My children are growing. One is at school, one starts kindergarten next year. I have no partner to move forward with. I don't say this in a sad way at all. I'm happy where I am, it's just such a different place from everyone else, and I can't predict it. I have no idea. In some ways, it's actually quite exciting.

When you combine that with how much I have changed in the past few years, it really does feel exciting and new. I feel more certain now, of who I am, and more comfortable with that person. Friendships have changed, some have been lost, some have been strengthened; they're solid and they accept me for me. Brash, honest, passionate and loyal. I'm more confident in my own self, and maybe that's an age thing. Hmm. Wisdom sounds better than age... :)

I'm vegetarian, all but vegan, and I am so confident in that choice. Passionate about it, and it brings a deep seated joy that was unexpected, because I am being true to my values and beliefs.

I've lost 39 kilograms (86 pounds) in the past year, and whilst I have a way to go, I feel so much more alive, have so much more energy, confidence and such better health. I look at the photos of me below and I get emotional. My face is back, chiselled out of the fat that threatened to swallow it. For the first time, I feel beautiful. Feminine. Sexy!

I have no idea what the future brings, but my gut instincts tell me it's going to be worth waiting for. Worth the crap I've waded through to get to. Worth the dodgy men, the surgery, the confronting of who I am and being honest and truthful and authentic in myself. All worth it.

Being Me

For the first time in a long while, I am not actively seeing anyone. Soon after my marriage broke down, I had a strange sort of relationship with someone overseas. Emotionally I was very attached, but physically, only twice in 2 years did I even see him. So, it was a little strange, but it also suited to a degree to be low key. Sadly, that was never going to work out, and I was used quite badly in the end. I think that my vulnerabilities were taken advantage of in a pretty awful way. I learned from that. As that broke down I began dating someone closer to home. We dated for 7 months, saw one another every few weeks for a date or a weekend away. It was relaxed and easy and fun. I was jerked around in the end here too, by someone who really didn't know what he wanted, and I should have quit when I was ahead but, me being me, I didn't. I kept trying to do what was right and fair and kind. Largely I think because I was a bit scared to be alone. Because I never really have been. But now I am. I have crushes and interests, but I'm not seeing anyone, and I have no commitments. At first, it felt scary and alarming. But now, I like it - sometimes. I get lonely and that sucks, I get frustrated, and that sucks too. But it's nice just being me. Not worrying about being stuffed around, insecure, loved or not loved, hot or cold. Just being me and doing things I want to do - for me. I'm learning to run, building up my fitness and losing more weight. I'm cooking a lot, experimenting with vegan and vegetarian recipes to extend my tastes and contribute to a healthier me and a kinder world. I'm reading endlessly for my happy and I'm writing for my soul. I bought a ticket to a rock festival and I am so excited for it to come around - music is my muse.

I feel like I am learning more about myself and growing more stable and more independent. I like being me. I like living just for what I want and need (and the kids obviously). Living in the moment and indulging the things that make me me. Some day, I think the guy will come along, or show himself in a light that just works. Maybe it will be soon, maybe it won't. I've stopped feeling desperate to find him though. I'm no longer in a rush. I don't believe in book and movie love. I don't believe in grand romances, not any more. I believe in solidity, security, honesty and trust. I believe in respect and mutual admiration and easy fun. I believe in me.

More about my mates!

Friends are the one constant in my life the past few years. Ups and downs, lovers come and go, life is chaotic and stormy, but right there, right there are my friends always.

This week it was one of my best friends 30th birthdays. 30 is a big one, but I found it a fabulous one and I know she will too. It's just good to be in your thirties. Just is. Trust me! I was devastated to miss her celebration, I spent 2.5 days in bed this week unwell, this weird stomach of mine gives me some interesting trouble sometimes. But anyway, I wrote this for her:

For Fleur.


You make me smile, every time I see your beautiful face.
You inspire me to be a better person, inside and out.
You have the sweetest heart,
Yet the most devilish mind.
The perfect combination.


You are: wise, intelligent, and witty.
You make me feel I matter. To the world.
I know that almost always, 
Far more goes on under the surface,
Than you ever let show. 


But you cannot hide from me.
That's what makes you my best friend.
You know my heart, I know yours, too.
So much goodness is going to come your way,
So deserved, my darling heart. I love you.


I have another friend, you might know of her, she goes by the name Fat Mum Slim. Many of you would read Telle's blog, and many more again would join in her Photo A Day challenges that are taking quite literally - the world - by storm. I've seen celebrities joining in, writers, musicians, and so many of us that enjoy her prompts. It's very cool. I've known Telle a while now. I watched her start her blog, watched her cultivate it, watched her readership and support grow. And my heart blossomed for her. You see, Chantelle is a funny girl. She has this amazing quality that few people I have come across have, it's like an inner light, a self love and awareness that I strive for. She would likely shrug it off and tell me she's as insecure as the rest of us. Maybe. But she still has this amazing heart, and it shines from inside out. Telle's starting a new chapter in her life shortly, I cannot help knowing it will be a success. It's who she is. Who she will always be. She's authentic. That's why.

Then there's Jess that I mentioned the other week, who I talk to almost all day every day, who motivates me to write. Ez who is my cheerleader, Anna who would kick anyones arse if they hurt me, Nat my soul mate, Vik and Christie my vegan pioneers, and so many others... I am SO lucky. I really am. I am surrounded by so much inspiration and support. I need nothing else. All you need is love. And friendships are the best kind of love.

How do you feel?

So, halfway through the official 2 week challenge (though of course you can start at any time!), and having been eating vegan for 3 weeks now myself, how do I feel?

Honestly, if I told you, I don't think you'd believe me. I feel amazing. I feel as though every cell in my body is buzzing and vibrant with life, and I am feel ridiculously happy. I can only attribute this to my food choices - nothing else has changed. I'm still in the middle of a stressful house move, pinching pennies and what not... But it's just there, it's not a big deal.

Every day I read something or watch something related to veganism and the choice I have made. Sometimes it's about health or the environment or animal welfare... Each time I cement my decision. I've had amazing discussions with people on twitter about being vegan, food substitutes, making a slow transition by either eating LESS meat or eggs, or going completely vegetarian. It's exciting and inspiring!

I compare myself now, to the me of 3 years ago and I almost don't recognise myself. I am no longer married, I am 30kg lighter, I am vegan, and I believe in meditation and finding some kind of inner peace in every day. It's amazing. Life is getting better and better!!

This is my truth.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection. ~Buddha

I've been thinking a lot lately, about what my truth is. What I know is right and good for me, even if it isn't for everyone else. Even if others don't see or value it. Sometimes when people reject me, I lose sight of those. My beliefs and confidence in myself is shaken and I am no longer certain of what or who I am. So, I thought while I am feeling fairly in control, I might write a list of my top ten truths. Things I know to be true about myself, no matter what else is going on, or how shaken I am.

1. I am strong and resilient. Even when I don't think I can cope with something, I can. I surprise myself.

2. I am loving and giving. I have a generous heart and I love with all of it. Sometimes it gets me into trouble, but it's true to who I am, I can't change it even if I want to.

3. I am a loyal and true friend. My friends mean everything to me, and I'll defend them and be there for them any time, for any reason. It's a solid part of my character.

4. I am aware. I think things over to make sure the decision is right for me.

5. I want to improve myself and I strive to do so. I try to learn from life. I try to better who I am.

6. I'm a rescuer and a helper. It can be dangerous, but I like helping people less fortunate than myself, or who are having a tough time of things.

7. I am funny! I like to laugh, I love to have fun. I want to be happy. This really isn't a given. Sometimes, and for the past time, I have been miserable so often it has seemed like I wanted to be. I don't. I want to be happy. 

8. I care. Deeply. I feel things, deeply.

9. I am passionate. Feisty. Everything I do, I do with gusto. I get feisty and passionate about the things I believe in. I like that about myself, even when it's controversial.

10. I have so much to offer the world. Smarts, friendship, love, honour, trust, respect... If people let that go, it's not a slight on me. It's on them. I am worth it.

Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. 

~Richard Bach

Thanks to Julie at Beautiful You for the idea. :)

For you

http://youtu.be/NPcyTyilmYY

"You Oughta Know"

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

'cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

'cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

'cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

Well, I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Sorry

Edenland started a powerful blog link this week. I've found myself really overwhelmed by the emotion in these posts. They're filled with pain and heart, and they are amazing to read. I wanted to join. I've felt overwhelmed by it. I'll try. I expect to need a box of tissues by the time I finish. :/

I'm sorry I was never enough to make you proud. I'm sorry that my best efforts failed. I'm sorry that I have disappointed you and let you down, over and over. I'm sorry that I have not been someone you can love, totally.

I'm sorry I am not social enough. I'm sorry this effects you. I'm sorry you are not confident and that no matter how I try, I can't make you see the awesome you are. I'm sorry you feel things so deeply and experience the same anxiety I always have. I'm sorry I don't hug you more.

I'm sorry I didn't wait longer. Give more. I'm sorry I didn't love less conditionally. I'm sorry I let go. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm sorry you can't see what I see when I look at you. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you, or take away your fears. I tried so hard. I wanted to, so much. I'm so sorry we failed. I'm sorry I don't have courage. I'm sorry I am so insecure. I'm sorry I'm not prettier, thinner, smarter. I'm so, so, sorry I hurt you.

Destructive relationships

Have you ever been in a destructive relationship? Maybe with a friend, a parent, or a partner? I'd like to hear from you if you have.

For the past 2 years, I've been in an on again off again 'thing' with a guy in America. Many of you will know this. He's not abusive, yet he has a power to manipulate and hurt me, more than anything. Somehow, he has access to the most vulnerable parts of me, and when he hurts me, it's devastating and I feel so incredibly low, and broken. I need to cut him off, and let go for good, but it hurts so terribly.

Realistically, he'll never change. Never get here. Never make me worth the effort. I've spent so much time, far too much money, and so much heart on him - and his children. It's tough to lose the friendship, too. He was often my go-to for everything. That he has hurt me so badly, again... I have to stop this. I can't keep on in this cycle. He is not good for me. I cut him off social networks, changed my email, deleted his number. Ugh. Grief. My 3yo asks about him, adores him. He ditched her, too :(

It's scary. I'm a mess. It'll get better... right?

Some day...

Some day, this is what I will have. I adore this song. I want someone to feel this way about me!

Sinatra, Bennett, Bublé... all sing it so perfectly. Le Sigh...


Someday, 
When I'm awfully low
And the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.
Oh but you're lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheek so soft.
There is nothing for me but to love you
Just the way you look tonight.


With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart.
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
Touches my foolish heart.


Lovely,
Never, never change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it, 'cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight--
Just the way you look tonight.

Sadness

Something weirds going on inside me. When my friends say kind or gentle things, I cry. I think it is because I want to believe them, but struggle to. I wish I saw myself the way that they do, and I don't. It makes me sad. When they say these things, its like it hits a nerve or a weak spot and I cry. I want to be the me they see but I can't believe I am.

I've had a rough week. I'm struggling a bit post op, and my heart has hurt. I guess my core feels rattled. I've worked really hard this year, in fact, the last 2 or so years, at trying to improve who I am, at trying to find happiness and contentment and to feel better about who I am. It feels like I am getting nowhere. I don't think that's entirely true. I can see changes, but essentially, I am still a terrified, insecure, frightened person. Sometimes, I upset myself with the actions I take. I wish I were braver, had more dignity and self pride, and were strong enough to say 'enough' when it is enough. Rather than feel so scared and so alone that I grasp onto things that are not always right for me.

I'm rambling. I'm just feeling really sad, and I'm forcing myself through each day at the moment, waiting to feel well, waiting to find love, waiting to like me. I'll keep trying to focus on right now, rather than waiting. I guess it takes practice.

Saturday happy

Today was a good day. I was feeling good for having written a nice 1000w+ chunk last night, writing also grounds me. And this morning, I had some great time alone with my boy; a rarity these days, but RJ was with her dad. He and I went to a farmers market 30 minutes away, and had a lovely time wandering around sampling produce, buying goodies, and listening to the busker. Then we grabbed some groceries that we needed aside from the market fare, and went home. We made chocolate truffles together - so yum!! And then we did some science experiments from a book he got for his birthday. Just quality time together. I hadn't realised just how much I missed it.

Then a true deep and meaningful chat with the man-face that just made me feel connected and understood, and mostly, loved. I like being content this way. It's such a nice feeling.

We had a yummy organic produce dinner, and followed it with a chocolate, rum and raisin pudding from Puds, along with their mocha chocolate sauce. HEAVENLY. Seriously, chek their range and drool. So freaking good. So, not too shockingly, I am feeling satisfied and warm and happy. Long may it last!

Feeling blue.

I could really use a hug.

Define: Intense

adjective /inˈtens/ ; (of a person) Feeling, or apt to feel, strong emotion; extremely earnest or serious.


And that's what this weekend was.

So much emotion, anger, hurt... It was a doozy. On the upside, it's done with now and it's time for healing. Taking risks on someone is scary. When they fall, it can be painful as hell. How many risks do you take for a heart? Apparently, one more. I hope it is worth it. I hope I am not an idiot for it. I'm still confused and uncertain to be honest. Time will tell.

A holiday with a BFF.

Doesn't that look beautiful? That's where my friend, Fleur, and I are headed to start 2012. In January we are flying out of Melbs and heading northward to sit on an island beach drinking cocktails and relaxing our bones. We might check out some great barrier reef and Island hop whilst we are there...

I went away with Fleur last year for Sydney palooza, she's an easy holiday mate to have. I know we get along well enough to enjoy 5 nights together quite blissfully. Have you ever holidayed with friends? Where did you go? I reckon its a bonding thing too. You always come home from shared experiences with a tighter connection. Bonus! And as you know, she is one of my besties, so I can't wait to chill with her and bliss out!

We booked our stay today, got a great bargain price, so lucky! I can't wait! SQUEE!!!!!

It Gets Better

This has been shared a lot lately over fb and twitter, its emotional. Gotta get that message out. /love.



http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

My Mum

Do you ever have moments - morbid ones - where you think... What the hell am I going to do if/when I lose my Mum? Or is that just me being morbid? (almost certainly).

Thing is, my Mum is a best friend. I tell her everything. Literally everything. Even the TMI stuff. She 'gets me' in a way that no one else on earth gets me. I can be all kinds of versions of myself with her and she accepts them all, good, bad, ugly, beautiful and loves me anyway. No matter what evil I have done.

This is not a given for any mother. Some mothers do not deserve their title. Some mothers don't know their children at all, let alone how their brains tick. Some are abusive. Some are just awful. My Mum never really had a good mother herself. She didn't learn from a role model how to be a good Mum. She made it up as she went along. And she did it brilliantly. People often tell me I am a good Mum and they admire my parenting. It's credit to her. I had that good model.

She knows how to handle me when I am anxious, when I am sad, when I am happy. And when I am sick or sad, I still, even at 33, think to myself... "I want my Mum" :( I remember feeling that way at 8, in the sick bay at school, and I'd hear the familiar jingle of her keys and see her familiar shoes pass by the window with its blind half down and I'd feel this enormous sense of "ahhh it'll be okay now."

I remember walking around in her hot pink high heels that I just LOVED, when I was around the same age, and hoping that some day, I'd be a mother as good as her. I've not managed it yet, but there's still time.

Every bedtime, she would always leave the room saying quietly, "Mummy loves..." I now say the same thing to my own babes each night. It feels special. She and RJ share their middle name, it's a little honour, but it never feels enough. What could?!

I'm not sure how I'd ever get by without her. I love you, Mum!