Heart

I've been slack blogger lately. Mostly because I've had an awesome time setting up the Two Vegan Girls site with my dear friend, Vik. It's pretty awesome, I am excited about it and where it might go. We've also been busy writing and coupled with school holidays and the usual stuff, life's been a bit busier.

So, time to shift focus again. To be strong. To try and hang in there. Forget the heart and lead with the head for a bit. Concentrate on 2VG, on uni starting in a month or so, and on meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone more often. I feel like I am on the verge of a major life shift. I can choose to go with it, fear and all and see what wonder it brings, or I can stay safe in my familiar though stunted current life. I know which I have to choose, I hope I can find the courage and motivation to embrace it.

It'll be okay.

Being Me

For the first time in a long while, I am not actively seeing anyone. Soon after my marriage broke down, I had a strange sort of relationship with someone overseas. Emotionally I was very attached, but physically, only twice in 2 years did I even see him. So, it was a little strange, but it also suited to a degree to be low key. Sadly, that was never going to work out, and I was used quite badly in the end. I think that my vulnerabilities were taken advantage of in a pretty awful way. I learned from that. As that broke down I began dating someone closer to home. We dated for 7 months, saw one another every few weeks for a date or a weekend away. It was relaxed and easy and fun. I was jerked around in the end here too, by someone who really didn't know what he wanted, and I should have quit when I was ahead but, me being me, I didn't. I kept trying to do what was right and fair and kind. Largely I think because I was a bit scared to be alone. Because I never really have been. But now I am. I have crushes and interests, but I'm not seeing anyone, and I have no commitments. At first, it felt scary and alarming. But now, I like it - sometimes. I get lonely and that sucks, I get frustrated, and that sucks too. But it's nice just being me. Not worrying about being stuffed around, insecure, loved or not loved, hot or cold. Just being me and doing things I want to do - for me. I'm learning to run, building up my fitness and losing more weight. I'm cooking a lot, experimenting with vegan and vegetarian recipes to extend my tastes and contribute to a healthier me and a kinder world. I'm reading endlessly for my happy and I'm writing for my soul. I bought a ticket to a rock festival and I am so excited for it to come around - music is my muse.

I feel like I am learning more about myself and growing more stable and more independent. I like being me. I like living just for what I want and need (and the kids obviously). Living in the moment and indulging the things that make me me. Some day, I think the guy will come along, or show himself in a light that just works. Maybe it will be soon, maybe it won't. I've stopped feeling desperate to find him though. I'm no longer in a rush. I don't believe in book and movie love. I don't believe in grand romances, not any more. I believe in solidity, security, honesty and trust. I believe in respect and mutual admiration and easy fun. I believe in me.

How do you feel?

So, halfway through the official 2 week challenge (though of course you can start at any time!), and having been eating vegan for 3 weeks now myself, how do I feel?

Honestly, if I told you, I don't think you'd believe me. I feel amazing. I feel as though every cell in my body is buzzing and vibrant with life, and I am feel ridiculously happy. I can only attribute this to my food choices - nothing else has changed. I'm still in the middle of a stressful house move, pinching pennies and what not... But it's just there, it's not a big deal.

Every day I read something or watch something related to veganism and the choice I have made. Sometimes it's about health or the environment or animal welfare... Each time I cement my decision. I've had amazing discussions with people on twitter about being vegan, food substitutes, making a slow transition by either eating LESS meat or eggs, or going completely vegetarian. It's exciting and inspiring!

I compare myself now, to the me of 3 years ago and I almost don't recognise myself. I am no longer married, I am 30kg lighter, I am vegan, and I believe in meditation and finding some kind of inner peace in every day. It's amazing. Life is getting better and better!!

Hectic chaos is great!

Life is busy, and I am loving that. For too long I have watched life go by but from the sidelines. I think it might be an energy level thing, but now I am really getting out there.

I've been on dates, I've been taking the kids places, I've organised Italian lessons and dog training for my new pup (due to arrive Feb 23). I have lego kits, art kits and books piled up to read. I am writing again. I am exercising more and feeling great.

I can't fit a gym time or exercise time in easily, because I have the kids until late and from early. I can use the rowing machine, but it stirs my sore shoulder so I am trying to walk more. It's a good one for my hips and tummy anyway, so I need to fit that in more. perhaps late evening I can swing it more.

So anyway, life is crazy busy, school goes back next week so that might help a routine settle but I am enjoying the chaos. Life is short! Live it!

Week 3 - January Photo A Day Challenge

This weeks pictures from this weeks Photo A Day Challenge from Telle at Fat Mum Slim. Having a lot of fun with it, week ones are here and week twos are here. 


Day 15 - Happiness. This would make anyone happy!

Day 16 - Morning. My alarm clock... ;)

Day 17 - Water. The car wash!

Day 18 - Something You Bought. Check the size! :D 

Day 19 - Sweet. Mmm Max Brenners.

Day 20 - Someone You Love. My BFF, Megan.

Day 21 - Reflection.

Jan & Feb resolutions

Remember here and here I talked about my resolutions for each month and what I wanted to aim for? So far, so good.

For January, I took a weekend away for the kids, and had a blast. We went to the movies, swimming, a magic show and lots of shopping. Was such a nice time! We went to the cinema again later that week, and Finn starts movie school for a week this week. I would say that is a big fat ACHIEVED for that item.

I also wanted to keep a gratitude journal, and every night I enter about 5 sentences per day about what happened that day that made me happy or challenged me or that made me feel good. It's such a good way to be in the moment and appreciate the smaller things and I truly believe that is the secret to happiness.

Next month I start my Italian lessons for 6 weeks. I am so looking forward to it - not just for the beautiful language and the thrill of learning, but also because it means I get to be in the city which I love, and one of besties that lives in the city and I are going to catch up for lunch as often as we can manage. I don't see as much of her as I want to, so I am so excited about that part of it as well.

I also organised tackled something else on my secondary list for February as intended. I bought some art kits. I want to learn to paint, so I got an acrylics set and a charcoal drawing set on the way. I have zero artistic talent. Minus talent, even. But I think I'll enjoy it even if it looks crap. So, that excites me as well.

I've challenged myself personally this month as well, in terms of relationships, and it has been difficult, but true to myself and that's only ever a good thing. Add to this the 19kg of weight I have lost and the nose ring I have gained and I feel excited about the person I am becoming.

2012 feels good. I am finding myself fast and it's incredibly exciting.

Week 2 - January Photo A Day Challenge

This weeks pictures from this weeks Photo A Day Challenge from Telle at Fat Mum Slim. Having a lot of fun with it, week ones are here.

Day 8 - Your Sky. I love how hazy and pretty it looks.

Day 9 - Daily Routine. My favorite part of the day. Kids in bed, and I am in bed reading with a drink and some music, maybe candles... Bliss. Relax time! The most important part of my daily routine.

Day 10 - Childhood. I loved this books as a kid, its an original version - before they went PC and changed Dick and Fanny's names. Gah!!! My kids love it too!

Day 11 - Where You Sleep. I love my room. It's my haven.

Day 12 - Close-Up. My loveable ratbag.

Day 13 - In Your Bag. My new Mimco button love bag! Wallet, notebook, pens, wipes for dirty faces, and cards.

Day 14 - Something You're Reading. The Man Who Broke Into Auschwitz by Denis Avey.

Resolutions and Getting a life.

I've been thinking lately, that my life seems sort of empty. That sounds awful. I don't mean empty exactly, just... quiet? I rely on other people too much and I need to find things to fulfil myself. I need to fill life with hobbies and interests, I think. It's scary. I'm not sure I have the confidence to do it. I found this great blog with a good tip on how to start. Here it is -


List 20 activities that you have enjoyed over the last ten years. For example, going to the seaside, having friends over for dinner, walking in the country.
List 10 activities that you do not do, but think you would like to pursue.


Make yourself a promise now to do one activity from each list in the next month. Write down what you will have to do to fit in these two new activities.
Developing new interests requires a positive approach. Even if things do not work out, you need to be able to tell yourself, “It’s not a failure because I’ve learned something”.


Research has shown that if we have no hobbies or interests to absorb and challenge us, we tend to get stressed, depressed, discouraged, and bored. If we are not careful, a vicious circle can develop in which the less we do, the more miserable we feel, and as we become more unhappy we are less willing to take risks and take up new activities.


1. Taking the kids out
2. Seeing musicals
3. Learning a language
4. Seeing friends
5. Writing
6. Holidays close to home
7. Travel overseas
8. Nights out with friends
9. Cooking
10. Movies
11. Study
12. Self awareness and improvement
13. Working
14. Beauty therapies (mani, pedi, massage)
15. Gaming
16. Shopping
17. Live music
18. Bushwalking
19. Lego
20. Reading


1. Painting
2. Acting
3. Horseriding
4. Boxing gym
5. Darkroom photography
6. Gratitude journal
7. Dog training
8. Meditation workshop
9. Book club
10. Vegetable garden

For January I am going to start a gratitude journal, all that requires is 5 minutes each evening before bed, and I already have this great journal for the purpose. From my other list, I am going to take the kids out. It's school holidays, they will be going insane and so will I. We went to the zoo not long ago, and scienceworks as well, so I think I need to find something new for them. Perhaps Werribee Zoo.

For February I will be starting my Italian lessons, and from list B, I'm going to pursue growing vegetables myself. Tomatoes, cucumbers... Yum. Here goes nothing... :)

Me

So, I've mentioned before how awesome my friends are, I know. Last night I was feeling left behind. I feel like all my friends have normal lives and are off leading them and I am just... drifting. I was cranky that a friend had plans and couldn't make a movie with me. I spoke to a close friend who reminded me that I could go alone, and that maybe, it might actually be a good thing for me to do. A challenge in the self acceptance I want to nurture. It was very true, and struck a chord. Why is being alone in social situations so scary for most of us? I can shop alone, sure. But talk about seeing a movie alone, or eating at a restaurant on my own and I panic. Why? It is vulnerable, certainly. But we should cherish our time alone, being with ourselves, I'm sure of it. My friend offered this pearl of true wisdom:

It's only when we're truly comfortable with ourselves that we will ever be able to be truly comfortable with someone else.

She's so right. And it's a gift to feel good with your own company. You can always rely on it, you know? Anyway, it turns out that a few friends and my mum and aunt are going to see a movie Friday arvo. But the idea stayed with me, and I wanted to explore it and challenge myself. I feel like this is really important for everything I have been working towards this year and my quest for happy and self acceptance. So I found something else, something I have been talking about on here and in general for months, and I locked in some Italian lessons for myself. 6 weeks worth, 3hours a week. I am nervous and excited! I had texts to buy (thank you every cheap book depository site!) and I am all ready to go come Feb. I'm thrilled too, because one of my besties, has German lessons at the same time so we can hook up for lunch afterwards. This will be great for me, I can feel it.

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done...
Another year over... A new one just begun.

Or, almost. Merry Christmas, friends. Talk about a time for reflection. Moreso than at any other time of the year, we seem to reflect on where we are at around Christmas and the end of the year. I have a lot to think about this year. My heart, my mind and my body have all been through the ringer this year. It has been a real challenge. It was not an easy year, but I feel really excited about the future. Ever since my op, I desperately wanted to make it to Christmas Day. I was so scared I'd have a complication and not be here for it. To have made it through is a massive relief and exciting for me. I was there for RJs birthday, Finns end of school year celebrations, and Christmas. Phew.

For Christmas, Finn asked that we stay home for the day, rather than go and see family and we agreed. It was the best decision, it really was. For the family, and for me personally. We spent Christmas Eve with my family, and it was fun - but hot and tiring. Christmas Day was spent with the kids playing with their toys, eating yummy (and sparse!) food and enjoying time together. That and Wii Sing It Downunder. LOVE.

2012 is going to be an interesting year. I go into it having lost 17kg since October, and I feel great. I still have some niggles that need to settle, but my adventure is beginning. I am curious to see where I am this time next year. I hope I can fit another overseas trip in, and I want to write (though my PhD proposal was rejected for the marks I got when RJ was newborn and Mum was having chemo for cancer, bit unfair but such is life!) If New Years Eve came, and we started 2011 over, would you do the same things again? I have to say that most of it, I would. I'd sure as hell still see NYC! I'd still have this operation. I'd still have worked madly on getting my head straight.

I am grateful for so much.

I am grateful for amazing friends who always have my back, who love me unconditionally, and who support and encourage me every single day. I am grateful for my beautiful children who are healthy, happy, and who want for nothing. They are creative, funny, and smart and so loving. I am grateful for my health, and for knowing it will keep improving as I shed kilos. I am grateful for my family, their support and love. I have so much hope for the future, I have spent a lot of this year thinking about happiness, how t get more, how to be more content and I feel like it is working. I still have my battles to fight, don't we all? But I have come a long way and I know I can keep learning and improving in the years to come. Thats what life is all about. :)

Merry Christmas, and a happy 2012 to you and yours xx

The puzzle of life

I feel like all the pieces of my life puzzle are laid out in front of me. I know the end picture will be one of happiness, contentment, and peace. I can feel its within my grasp. I just need to work out how and where all the pieces fit and in what ratio.

Some days I get so frustrated by the pieces and trying to work out the combination to making them fall into place. Other days, I enjoy the exploration that it requires. I am trying to enjoy life in every moment, not just when the puzzle is complete. To enjoy DOING the puzzle, too.

I am going to make myself an inspiration cork board for my room. I need to see beauty every day, and things that bring me joy. It's all about the small stuff :)



photo credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/11165494

Choosing Life, month 2

As I mentioned close to a month ago in this entry, I planned a new outlook on my life. I've certainly been pretty self reflective this month. My blog entries have been kind of strange as a result. It's good though, because it's giving me the opportunity to track my thoughts and processes.

Two weeks ago, I spoke of setting goals, and I wanted to update on that. Given it's only been 7 weeks since I went overseas, there has been little progress on the travel plans. Sure has not stopped me dreaming, though. I also had an extremely talented friend, Emma, from Little Cherry Tree Designs (who designed this blog for me) take some of my travel snaps from my NYC visit and tinker with them. Next week, I am getting them enlarged and printed up for my walls. I cannot wait. This is one of the pics...



Love it. Great mementoes from the trip too. Each time I see the pics, I will be reminded of all those fabulous memories!

Writing, I have not written a word. Sigh. I don't know where to begin so I just don't begin. I need to choose ONE project, and complete it, regardless of any other ideas or doubts. I just need to do it, my greatest problem is motivation, I get overwhelmed and I just don't. I need to address this.

I did buy an enlarger and film camera off ebay, and will continue to stock up on dark room fittings until I have something usable. It's fun sourcing the items, and I need to take a class as well I think. I need to take a class on this, language classes, and dog training classes... Need more time!

I have been making plans with friends, too. Gold class movies, wild alcohol fuelled nights, and seeing my favourite band are all in my near future.

Very slowly, I am getting a grip on what I need and want and getting it all in order. I feel like a child learning at the moment. Who knew I was such a stranger to myself?

A different person?

I've heard it said many times: "I tell you what, I'm a different person to who I was ten years ago..."

I must admit, I never realized people actually meant it. I didn't grasp the extent to which it can be true. I was thinking back to the year 2000. I was 22, and I was planning my wedding. I was young, in love, naive, and content. I had no idea who I really was, no self awareness or identity. The toughest life moments were in my future. It was a carefree, trouble free life.

I've grown a lot since then. Experienced a heck of a lot, good and bad. I'm more aware. Ironically, I feel a lot less certain about my future. More lost in general. More disillusioned with life, love, and more unhappy and insecure. It's sad. I grieve for young and naive me. I'm sad her life hasn't turned out how she hoped and dreamed.

I know I'm capable though. In fact, I feel as though I'm on the precipice of good things. I feel like I'm learning major lessons and discovering things about myself that will change life again. No more waiting on some day. I'm grabbing my freedom and my willingness to learn and shoot forward and I'm going places. I create my own destiny and control my existence. These are exciting times. I'm not going to be under an illusion of happiness and freedom, like 22 year old Kelly. I'm actually going to BE happy and free. Truly.

I tell you what, I'm a different person to who I was ten years ago...

Me, Myself, I.

I am so self reflective at the moment. I'm reading books that are making me really reassess how I view myself, and what I want in life. I'm spending time trying to change my thought patterns. I'm having varying success. I have terrible esteem, and so far I have found that even when I am validated externally, it doesn't tend to have lasting impact. As cliched as it is, it really does need to come from me. And I'm not sure I know how to make that happen or if it is even possible. Living with self hatred though, is not really a viable option either.

I'm going to turn into a self help freak. HALP.

My Happiness

Setting goals

Way back in 2008, before IVF brought me my darling RJ, I had some goals. I called it my post IVF dream-scape. I think it is time to revist those.

Travel remains a high priority. I have made progress on this, certainly, and intend to add Europe as soon as possible.

Writing also needs more work. I have progressed, but I need to commit to it regularly. Like a job, I can't just do it when the mood strikes (or it won't get done).

Returning to language lessons. this is still a strong desire. Italian, or French? Italian is my love (and likely my next travel destination) but Finn is learning French so that'd be cool, too. Thoughts?

Post grad study... I was doing teaching. I'm considering deferring for a bit whilst I decide what I want to do for sure.

Cameras - I have mums old DSLR which is pretty awesome. It has a crack on the lens, though, which in certain lights, puts a smudge on photos.

I could totally do the dark room thing in this house. There is a funny cupboard under the stairs that would be perfect, though it's not ventilated, I am certain it is workable. This is something to investigate ASAP. I would LOVE to develop photos of my own!

Added to this list is spending more time with the kids and with my friends. This makes me happy.

Choices

I spoke a lot last entry about choosing happiness in small things, and learning to live in the moment, rather than waiting for 'Some Day' to come. This morning I read a great article on exactly this. It is called: "7 reasons to be happy even if things are not perfect right now." It came from the Tiny Buddha website, a site which had me glued this morning to all kinds of brilliant articles after a friend linked a particularly relevant piece on facebook (Thanks Diane!)

It fits my current philosophy in life spot on at the moment. It's not an easy practice to engage in, but I can already feel the value in it. So, today I am enjoying the edamame and wine my BFF gifted me, the remaining glow of having babysat her twin boys last night, a peaceful afternoon with my kindle, and a feeling of contentment that right now, in this moment, I am doing my best to make what I can from life. It's been an extremely rough and traumatic week, and I've struggled to stay positive with some pretty serious hurt going on. Still, I'm determined to do my best.



Photo credit

Twit-piphany.

The other night I was doing my usual ramble of tweets on twitter about my life. I was feeling I had gone backwards, rather than forwards in the past 12 months, and felt lonely and sad. I then decided I needed a dose of perspective and reminded myself that actually, I have an awful lot in my life to be happy about. Health, the health of my family and friends, my children, writing, books, travel, and some of the most amazing friends you could find.

I am a self admitted control freak. I have to plan my life, I need to know what is coming, I rely on lists, and plans and organization for everything. I need to learn that sometimes, it's okay to NOT know. To have no plan. Seems obvious, right? not to this control freak it wasn't. I need to let go, and stop craning to see my future, and just be content to keep my head down and watch where each foot falls right now.

To just be.

I am starting to look for the happy in lifes small moments. Things such as no bills in the mail, a plan to see friends, an idea for my writing. These were my first three items for that day. The next, it was blackberry crunch muffins, pretty dresses and evil (in the best way!) friends.

Today, I am happy for warm clothes and heating on a freezing winters day, for my new kindle (and endless books!) and for hot meat pies.

Each day, I am going to tweet the 3 things that bring me a small dose of happiness every day. I am going to be more aware of these things so that I can begin to notice them more, so that I can enjoy every moment of my life, not just the someday's. I CHOOSE LIFE. I choose to live every day and find joy in it. This is my plan. I'll blog on it often. Join me if you will?