Heart

I've been slack blogger lately. Mostly because I've had an awesome time setting up the Two Vegan Girls site with my dear friend, Vik. It's pretty awesome, I am excited about it and where it might go. We've also been busy writing and coupled with school holidays and the usual stuff, life's been a bit busier.

So, time to shift focus again. To be strong. To try and hang in there. Forget the heart and lead with the head for a bit. Concentrate on 2VG, on uni starting in a month or so, and on meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone more often. I feel like I am on the verge of a major life shift. I can choose to go with it, fear and all and see what wonder it brings, or I can stay safe in my familiar though stunted current life. I know which I have to choose, I hope I can find the courage and motivation to embrace it.

It'll be okay.

Farewell 2012

It seems like only yesterday I was reflecting on 2011. This year has gone super fast. It was a busy one, that's for sure.

I've lost another 27 kilograms (60 pounds) this year, a total of 40kg (88p) since my surgery. It feels amazing. I still have a belly I need to lose which will take exercise. Exercise is still my nemesis, and a psychological block exists there that needs to be broken down. Still, I've lost an entire Finn, so to give him a piggy back and realise I used to carry that all day everyday is a pretty awesome comparison. My body is under so much less stress now and there is no question I have prolonged my life by doing this. It makes it easier when food gives me grief or I am having a rough eating day.

This time 12 months ago I had long hair, 1 tattoo, no piercings other than my ears, and I weighed 27kg more. Now I have shorter hair, 2 tattoos and a nose piercing, and am lighter. I feel every day I become truer to who I am and how I express that. It's an amazing feeling.

In 2012 I worked bloody hard at self esteem and self worth. Damn hard. SO hard. I came a very long way. So many things rattled me as I was vulnerable to them but I forged ahead. Again I have a way to go but comparing now to 12 months ago I have come so far it blows my mind. I no longer have a deep seated self hatred and disgust at who I am. I like me - inside and out. And that's a massive change. Next comes self love?

I made and lost friends in 2012 and while each loss shook me (and said esteem) and rattled me and caused me to question myself, each one also cemented who I am and the reflection and self doubt led to more certainty and awareness of myself, and can only be a good thing. The friends I have are not just friends. They are ones I'd trust my life to. They are the real deal. They are more like family. I am so incredibly lucky to have them and it's something I try never to take for granted.

Speaking of family, it went a bit pear shaped this year. My brother and I, who have had a fairly rocky relationship, are no longer in any contact and haven't been since July. I miss my niece and nephew but this is a far better choice for me.

I guess my blog highlights the most impacting change I made this year in my eventual - slow but sure - progress to adopting a cruelty free lifestyle and a vegan diet. It was an on and off road, I struggled and took my time to understand some of the new food options but I was determined. It meant too much to me not to keep trying and exploring it. I am now firmly entrenched in vegan living and nothing has made me happier. It feels wonderful, and it's who I am, inside. In my day to day life, I don't know or interact with any other vegans, except online. It can be isolating at times, and can feel like no one really understands me, although they all try and are considerate of my decision. Attending events like World Vegan Day and the Carols by Barnlight at Edgars Mission were profound and exciting. Being amongst like minds felt like a relief. I could just be me, no justifications, no defensiveness, just accepted and understood. Pretty powerful stuff. I need to expose myself to more of that. The supports I have online are amazing. In fact, I suspect in 2013, things are going to expand and take off again in this area as my good friend Vik and I have so many ideas for our 2 Vegan Girls venture. I am so inspired and excited about it!

My gorgeous Great Dane Gertie came to live with me, and we had a rough year. Poor love was diagnosed with dodgy kidneys and her life span went from 8y to 2y in an instant. It hit hard. She also had 2 incidents of poisoning which scared the hell out of me, but several thousand dollars later, she's still here, and still a giant, beautiful, sook. How I adore her!

We moved house in May, and have a huge block now for kids and animals to run wild. We added rabbits to our menagerie and aside from adjusting to the dreadful cold of winter in a house with high ceilings and a wood fire, it's pretty cool. My children continue to delight me. Finn is smart and wise and hitting preteen stuff at a rapid rate, scaring the bejeesus out of me at how quickly he is growing. RJ is a wicked delight, constantly making me laugh and cringe all at once. Preparing to have both of my children out of the home for a significant portion of the week with school and kinder terrifies me. I have been a stay at home full time mum for 9 years now and this is it. No more. It's scary and makes my heart hurt a bit. I know I will adapt, but it's going to be a rough ride.

I can't close out the rehash of 2012 without mentioning the major highlight. Something happened this year that I never imagined would, that is a dream come true, quite literally. I met the most inspiring and influential musicians - my absolute hands down all time favourite band: The Tea Party. Their music changed my life, changed how I view music and what it can be in life. That they reunited was major enough, but that they came to Australia and I saw them twice, and met them - was able to shake their hands and thank them... Fuck me. That blows my mind, still. What beautiful guys they are, I am so excited to see what 2013 brings for them and for me by extension in listening to what they create. Nothing topped that moment. It was amazing! Telling the guy on the door "no, not a competition winner, JB put my name down..." Nothing cooler. Nothing.

So, what of 2013? I feel like the critical thing to work on next year the same way I tackled esteem this year is laziness. No more having ideas but avoiding actioning them. Write. Create. Move. I know I can do this! No more getting in my own way. Exploring more veganism issues, studying again, and continuing to blossom into the truest Kelly I can be feels exciting. Let's go!

Happy 2013 to you and yours xx

Can you help me?

To say I am an emotional person is to say the Grand Canyon is kinda big. I feel everything intensely. A cause I believe in? I am all in. Relationships? I love with my entire heart, give it all and am loyal to a fault. This is not normal, and naturally I rarely get the same sort of thing in return, and that can lead to innrer turmoil, despite logically understanding it's me that is not normal in what I give.

When you feel everything so deeply, you can imagine too, what negative emotions can be like. I feel fear and hurt so deeply it becomes devastating. And self hatred? If there is a hell, that's what it feels like.

It's pushed people away. Some I am glad to see go (after all, if they can't empathize and accept my faults, then they're not the people I thought they were, or want in my life anyway) others I regret seeing leave.

I don't know how to be any other way. I've fairly been called intense, over the top, melodramatic. It's not by choice, I just literally don't know how to bring emotions back to a manageable level. I don't know how to keep things in control. God knows I have tried. The only thing that's ever enabled me to think logically and not react emotionally, is a heavy painkiller that numbs things. That's hardly a sustainable way to live.

So what do I do? How do I fix this? How can I live a little less from my poor heart? Help me.

#OpEleanor P2

An update on Op Eleanor. Have I been facing down fears? Hell yes. It leaves such a weird feeling, it's sort of exhausting. This mix of looking forward to something whilst at the same time desperately just wanting it to be over - I feel in a permanent state of that feeling and its high anxiety. Tough.

I worked! I nailed the interview I mentioned last post, and I worked for a few hours on Tuesday. I loved it. The sense of purpose and adult interaction and money... I offered more help in the future and she has my number so I will just hope. They were wonderful people to work for.

You know what else I did that seems completely nothingy but is a huge deal to me? I booked a spray tan. I've never had one before, whilst I am still a big girl, I am 39kg less than I was and confident enough to get one at least. Still nervous as hell, though. It's not a booth one, it's an airbrush vegan one from Lavish Tan. Thankfully, my communications with Alex so far in making the booking have reassured me it will be ok, she is lovely.

I'm also going solo to World Vegan Day on Sunday - nervous but excited. That same mix of feelings for all of these things. I think my adrenalin rush will kill me by the time December rolls around!

Changing Kelly

My life is such an unplanned mystery right now. I have friends who are happily married, raising kids, planning families, buying homes... But I am heading in a completely different direction. My children are growing. One is at school, one starts kindergarten next year. I have no partner to move forward with. I don't say this in a sad way at all. I'm happy where I am, it's just such a different place from everyone else, and I can't predict it. I have no idea. In some ways, it's actually quite exciting.

When you combine that with how much I have changed in the past few years, it really does feel exciting and new. I feel more certain now, of who I am, and more comfortable with that person. Friendships have changed, some have been lost, some have been strengthened; they're solid and they accept me for me. Brash, honest, passionate and loyal. I'm more confident in my own self, and maybe that's an age thing. Hmm. Wisdom sounds better than age... :)

I'm vegetarian, all but vegan, and I am so confident in that choice. Passionate about it, and it brings a deep seated joy that was unexpected, because I am being true to my values and beliefs.

I've lost 39 kilograms (86 pounds) in the past year, and whilst I have a way to go, I feel so much more alive, have so much more energy, confidence and such better health. I look at the photos of me below and I get emotional. My face is back, chiselled out of the fat that threatened to swallow it. For the first time, I feel beautiful. Feminine. Sexy!

I have no idea what the future brings, but my gut instincts tell me it's going to be worth waiting for. Worth the crap I've waded through to get to. Worth the dodgy men, the surgery, the confronting of who I am and being honest and truthful and authentic in myself. All worth it.

Courage & Confidence

So, how does one get them? I would really like to know, is there a formula I can follow? There must be. I need this stuff.

Do you know how many courses I have agreed to, often paid for, and then not gone because of shyness? A lot. Likewise parties and social engagements and things of that nature. Because I am so freaking shy that it is painful. People sometimes laugh when I tell them I am shy. They don't believe me. Thing is, if I know you, then I am not at all shy! I am comfortable and loud and secure. But getting there takes enormous courage and it often fails me.

I was just invited to a friends birthday party next month. It's at a funky bar in Melbourne, and it sounds like a lot of fun. I'd love to go, I really would. But already I feel nervous and scared of not knowing people aside from the birthday girl who will be busy, of not knowing the bar or where I am going, of what to wear, of how to act... Already I feel fear. I don't want to back out of these situations all the time. I need to challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone more often. What am I scared of?? :(

How on earth do I even begin to work on this? I want to be more social, I want to meet new people and have new experiences. I just don't know how. I don't know that I can. Help?

Being Me

For the first time in a long while, I am not actively seeing anyone. Soon after my marriage broke down, I had a strange sort of relationship with someone overseas. Emotionally I was very attached, but physically, only twice in 2 years did I even see him. So, it was a little strange, but it also suited to a degree to be low key. Sadly, that was never going to work out, and I was used quite badly in the end. I think that my vulnerabilities were taken advantage of in a pretty awful way. I learned from that. As that broke down I began dating someone closer to home. We dated for 7 months, saw one another every few weeks for a date or a weekend away. It was relaxed and easy and fun. I was jerked around in the end here too, by someone who really didn't know what he wanted, and I should have quit when I was ahead but, me being me, I didn't. I kept trying to do what was right and fair and kind. Largely I think because I was a bit scared to be alone. Because I never really have been. But now I am. I have crushes and interests, but I'm not seeing anyone, and I have no commitments. At first, it felt scary and alarming. But now, I like it - sometimes. I get lonely and that sucks, I get frustrated, and that sucks too. But it's nice just being me. Not worrying about being stuffed around, insecure, loved or not loved, hot or cold. Just being me and doing things I want to do - for me. I'm learning to run, building up my fitness and losing more weight. I'm cooking a lot, experimenting with vegan and vegetarian recipes to extend my tastes and contribute to a healthier me and a kinder world. I'm reading endlessly for my happy and I'm writing for my soul. I bought a ticket to a rock festival and I am so excited for it to come around - music is my muse.

I feel like I am learning more about myself and growing more stable and more independent. I like being me. I like living just for what I want and need (and the kids obviously). Living in the moment and indulging the things that make me me. Some day, I think the guy will come along, or show himself in a light that just works. Maybe it will be soon, maybe it won't. I've stopped feeling desperate to find him though. I'm no longer in a rush. I don't believe in book and movie love. I don't believe in grand romances, not any more. I believe in solidity, security, honesty and trust. I believe in respect and mutual admiration and easy fun. I believe in me.

The fear of the future

My 3 year old daughter asked me to read Cinderella to her the other day. I did, and it was a very very abridged short flip book. It was fine, she liked it and asked to put her princess dress on, which she did with a crown and was thrilled to bits.

But as she left the room, she pointed to her book and said, "I wish I had yellow hair. I need yellow hair. I wish I was her." And I almost fainted. I think I died a little inside. And I have not stopped panicking since. At three, she is already wanting to be someone else? Some other representation of 'beautiful' ?? What the hell? And how on earth do I begin to convey that she is far more beautiful than Cinderella or any other princess. She's just perfect already, with her honey brown hair. She is already beautiful.

And how much worse is it going to get if she is saying this at 3???? Will she want to be someone horrid and terrifying like Rihanna or Gaga? God. I feel compelled to make sure I keep filling her life with strong female role models of ever kind. Smart, strong, independent, women.

Where do I start? Help me - who are your favorite role models for young girls these days???

My Inner Bitch

I know all of you who know me, read the title of this post and thought... "INNER bitch? Maybe.. all bitch?!" And I know that most of you - and all of those who truly know me, will be saying it with a wicked grin of appreciation, and no spite. Because I am feisty. I am passionate. I am a bit of a bitch sometimes. I'm also a very sensitive and easily hurt soul, I just try to pretend otherwise.

But this is not about me the bitch. This is about my inner bitch. My inner mean girl. I didn't coin the term, and I had never given thought to giving my negative thoughts a tangible persona. My lovely counsellor and coach, Julie from Beautiful You, taught me this term yesterday and it made a huge impact.

Your inner mean girl is the one whispering all those awful thoughts. "You're not worth it." "This is because you're a crappy person you know..." "You should be freaking out, this is your fault..." She's awful. And you know me - I don't take shit from bitches, so why am I taking it from one inside my head?! I can shut her down!

The thing is, that for me, her messages and her whisperings about my lack of worth, my fear of rejection, my need for control... They've become my norm. I follow her without questioning if she's actually right. I am on autopilot and I make assumptions about things based on what she has told me. This inner mean girl. She has become a habit for me, and it's time I started becoming more aware of my thoughts and checking to see if what she's saying has merit. I bet I find that almost always, it will not.

My need to control my life is to take away as many opportunities for rejection as possible. Makes sense. if I am controlling things, then no one can hurt me, right? Wrong. It's all an illusion. I still get hurt, sometimes moreso because I have invested myself into things more than I should because of the need to control and do all I can about something or someone. If people don't like me, they don't like me. I can't change it. And what's more, why should I?

It's not something that makes ME lacking. It's not even in my control what others think or believe - of me, of a situation, of anything.

What say you? Do you have an inner mean girl? What does she look like? I see mine as that perfect model type in high school that always made me feel inferior. Not a real person I went to school with, but a representation of that type. The It girl. The popular girl. The mean, bitch. I visualise her saying these things in my ear and I shut her down. She doesn't know me. Almost always I can then search for the truth, for what feels authentic in that situation. What's rational. And it's not what she tells me.

How do you handle your inner mean girl?

This is my truth.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection. ~Buddha

I've been thinking a lot lately, about what my truth is. What I know is right and good for me, even if it isn't for everyone else. Even if others don't see or value it. Sometimes when people reject me, I lose sight of those. My beliefs and confidence in myself is shaken and I am no longer certain of what or who I am. So, I thought while I am feeling fairly in control, I might write a list of my top ten truths. Things I know to be true about myself, no matter what else is going on, or how shaken I am.

1. I am strong and resilient. Even when I don't think I can cope with something, I can. I surprise myself.

2. I am loving and giving. I have a generous heart and I love with all of it. Sometimes it gets me into trouble, but it's true to who I am, I can't change it even if I want to.

3. I am a loyal and true friend. My friends mean everything to me, and I'll defend them and be there for them any time, for any reason. It's a solid part of my character.

4. I am aware. I think things over to make sure the decision is right for me.

5. I want to improve myself and I strive to do so. I try to learn from life. I try to better who I am.

6. I'm a rescuer and a helper. It can be dangerous, but I like helping people less fortunate than myself, or who are having a tough time of things.

7. I am funny! I like to laugh, I love to have fun. I want to be happy. This really isn't a given. Sometimes, and for the past time, I have been miserable so often it has seemed like I wanted to be. I don't. I want to be happy. 

8. I care. Deeply. I feel things, deeply.

9. I am passionate. Feisty. Everything I do, I do with gusto. I get feisty and passionate about the things I believe in. I like that about myself, even when it's controversial.

10. I have so much to offer the world. Smarts, friendship, love, honour, trust, respect... If people let that go, it's not a slight on me. It's on them. I am worth it.

Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. 

~Richard Bach

Thanks to Julie at Beautiful You for the idea. :)

Jan & Feb resolutions

Remember here and here I talked about my resolutions for each month and what I wanted to aim for? So far, so good.

For January, I took a weekend away for the kids, and had a blast. We went to the movies, swimming, a magic show and lots of shopping. Was such a nice time! We went to the cinema again later that week, and Finn starts movie school for a week this week. I would say that is a big fat ACHIEVED for that item.

I also wanted to keep a gratitude journal, and every night I enter about 5 sentences per day about what happened that day that made me happy or challenged me or that made me feel good. It's such a good way to be in the moment and appreciate the smaller things and I truly believe that is the secret to happiness.

Next month I start my Italian lessons for 6 weeks. I am so looking forward to it - not just for the beautiful language and the thrill of learning, but also because it means I get to be in the city which I love, and one of besties that lives in the city and I are going to catch up for lunch as often as we can manage. I don't see as much of her as I want to, so I am so excited about that part of it as well.

I also organised tackled something else on my secondary list for February as intended. I bought some art kits. I want to learn to paint, so I got an acrylics set and a charcoal drawing set on the way. I have zero artistic talent. Minus talent, even. But I think I'll enjoy it even if it looks crap. So, that excites me as well.

I've challenged myself personally this month as well, in terms of relationships, and it has been difficult, but true to myself and that's only ever a good thing. Add to this the 19kg of weight I have lost and the nose ring I have gained and I feel excited about the person I am becoming.

2012 feels good. I am finding myself fast and it's incredibly exciting.

Resolutions and Getting a life.

I've been thinking lately, that my life seems sort of empty. That sounds awful. I don't mean empty exactly, just... quiet? I rely on other people too much and I need to find things to fulfil myself. I need to fill life with hobbies and interests, I think. It's scary. I'm not sure I have the confidence to do it. I found this great blog with a good tip on how to start. Here it is -


List 20 activities that you have enjoyed over the last ten years. For example, going to the seaside, having friends over for dinner, walking in the country.
List 10 activities that you do not do, but think you would like to pursue.


Make yourself a promise now to do one activity from each list in the next month. Write down what you will have to do to fit in these two new activities.
Developing new interests requires a positive approach. Even if things do not work out, you need to be able to tell yourself, “It’s not a failure because I’ve learned something”.


Research has shown that if we have no hobbies or interests to absorb and challenge us, we tend to get stressed, depressed, discouraged, and bored. If we are not careful, a vicious circle can develop in which the less we do, the more miserable we feel, and as we become more unhappy we are less willing to take risks and take up new activities.


1. Taking the kids out
2. Seeing musicals
3. Learning a language
4. Seeing friends
5. Writing
6. Holidays close to home
7. Travel overseas
8. Nights out with friends
9. Cooking
10. Movies
11. Study
12. Self awareness and improvement
13. Working
14. Beauty therapies (mani, pedi, massage)
15. Gaming
16. Shopping
17. Live music
18. Bushwalking
19. Lego
20. Reading


1. Painting
2. Acting
3. Horseriding
4. Boxing gym
5. Darkroom photography
6. Gratitude journal
7. Dog training
8. Meditation workshop
9. Book club
10. Vegetable garden

For January I am going to start a gratitude journal, all that requires is 5 minutes each evening before bed, and I already have this great journal for the purpose. From my other list, I am going to take the kids out. It's school holidays, they will be going insane and so will I. We went to the zoo not long ago, and scienceworks as well, so I think I need to find something new for them. Perhaps Werribee Zoo.

For February I will be starting my Italian lessons, and from list B, I'm going to pursue growing vegetables myself. Tomatoes, cucumbers... Yum. Here goes nothing... :)

Me

So, I've mentioned before how awesome my friends are, I know. Last night I was feeling left behind. I feel like all my friends have normal lives and are off leading them and I am just... drifting. I was cranky that a friend had plans and couldn't make a movie with me. I spoke to a close friend who reminded me that I could go alone, and that maybe, it might actually be a good thing for me to do. A challenge in the self acceptance I want to nurture. It was very true, and struck a chord. Why is being alone in social situations so scary for most of us? I can shop alone, sure. But talk about seeing a movie alone, or eating at a restaurant on my own and I panic. Why? It is vulnerable, certainly. But we should cherish our time alone, being with ourselves, I'm sure of it. My friend offered this pearl of true wisdom:

It's only when we're truly comfortable with ourselves that we will ever be able to be truly comfortable with someone else.

She's so right. And it's a gift to feel good with your own company. You can always rely on it, you know? Anyway, it turns out that a few friends and my mum and aunt are going to see a movie Friday arvo. But the idea stayed with me, and I wanted to explore it and challenge myself. I feel like this is really important for everything I have been working towards this year and my quest for happy and self acceptance. So I found something else, something I have been talking about on here and in general for months, and I locked in some Italian lessons for myself. 6 weeks worth, 3hours a week. I am nervous and excited! I had texts to buy (thank you every cheap book depository site!) and I am all ready to go come Feb. I'm thrilled too, because one of my besties, has German lessons at the same time so we can hook up for lunch afterwards. This will be great for me, I can feel it.

Insecurity

I'm insecure. Seriously. In a big, big, way. There are lots of reasons for this, I could likely trace them back a long way, but it's mostly adult experiences that have led me to be this way. It's an awful feeling. It invites paranoia, low self-esteem, and sadness. It's full of fear.

Fear is the worst emotion a human being can feel, in my opinion. It's so invasive. I think that every negative feeling and emotion we experience can always be traced back to fear. One way or another. How do you fight fear?

I recently read a book written by Brené Brown, called The Gifts of Imperfection. It was such a brilliant book, so much that I thought I was alone in thinking, I discovered I wasn't. I quote - "Most of us have experienced being on the edge of joy only to be overcome by vulnerability and thrown into fear. Until we can tolerate vulnerability and transform it into gratitude, intense feelings of love will often bring up the fear of loss."

It just spoke to me. I yesterday ordered this book. I always shunned the entire self help industry and felt it was for pathetic types. How fitting a lesson that I turn to it myself now, but I need to work on this. My issues of trust, insecurity and most of all, fear, need to be worked on and erased for good. I don't want to live in fear anymore.

A different person?

I've heard it said many times: "I tell you what, I'm a different person to who I was ten years ago..."

I must admit, I never realized people actually meant it. I didn't grasp the extent to which it can be true. I was thinking back to the year 2000. I was 22, and I was planning my wedding. I was young, in love, naive, and content. I had no idea who I really was, no self awareness or identity. The toughest life moments were in my future. It was a carefree, trouble free life.

I've grown a lot since then. Experienced a heck of a lot, good and bad. I'm more aware. Ironically, I feel a lot less certain about my future. More lost in general. More disillusioned with life, love, and more unhappy and insecure. It's sad. I grieve for young and naive me. I'm sad her life hasn't turned out how she hoped and dreamed.

I know I'm capable though. In fact, I feel as though I'm on the precipice of good things. I feel like I'm learning major lessons and discovering things about myself that will change life again. No more waiting on some day. I'm grabbing my freedom and my willingness to learn and shoot forward and I'm going places. I create my own destiny and control my existence. These are exciting times. I'm not going to be under an illusion of happiness and freedom, like 22 year old Kelly. I'm actually going to BE happy and free. Truly.

I tell you what, I'm a different person to who I was ten years ago...

Me, Myself, I.

I am so self reflective at the moment. I'm reading books that are making me really reassess how I view myself, and what I want in life. I'm spending time trying to change my thought patterns. I'm having varying success. I have terrible esteem, and so far I have found that even when I am validated externally, it doesn't tend to have lasting impact. As cliched as it is, it really does need to come from me. And I'm not sure I know how to make that happen or if it is even possible. Living with self hatred though, is not really a viable option either.

I'm going to turn into a self help freak. HALP.

Emotion

I have no emotional intelligence. If you've not heard of it, Emotional IQ can be measured, and whilst it's been some time since I tested, I ranked poorly then, and little has changed.

I've never been good at measuring and processing my emotions. I feel things so strongly, and it gets hard for me to react to them without allowing the feelings to take over. It can make life difficult at times.

In the past, this tendency to wear my emotions on my sleeve caused me no end of trouble when I was enduring infertility and all the emotions that go with it. I lost some friends because I would lash out when I was hurting. Thankfully, the friends that saw it through with me, knew why I lashed out, and didn't take it personally. They understood me. Those friends are invaluable, lifelong friends.

I'm thinking about this today because I am trying to temper some strong emotions at the moment. I've been hurt, and hurt makes me angry, as well as disappointed and protective. I must refrain from lashing out, I must temper the emotion. What do you do when someone has hurt you, fairly deliberately, and even though there is remorse, forgiveness is hard to find? It hurts, and I don't know where to put it.

Follow Up

Further to the other day, I wanted to share this video with you -




It breaks my heart. What are we as parents doing wrong to have this all go so wrong of late? Why are we perpetuating these judgmental and cruel perspectives? Why are we not teaching our children that different is okay - regardless of its form? People are going through so much pain. Bullying is awful in any form, be it because a kid is gay, different looking, or smart, or fat, or whatever it might be.

Isn't it difference that makes us each special and unique?? Is it not difference that makes us who we are, that special someone to someone else? Sometimes it is the very things I can't stand about myself, that another may love. I just wish we could love our children, and raise them to love one another. To accept one another. I feel this is a revolution of change right now, and I truly hope that momentum continues to build and society keeps being forced to pay attention, to make changes, and to open their minds.

AWOL

Apologies for my extended absence. Life has been exceptionally busy of late! I went to my beloved America, and I loved her. It was an amazing trip in so many ways, so very life changing. It certainly has given me a travel bug and itchy feet (which both sound

like I need a cream or something, but are Very Good Things!)

It was good to come home, but it was difficult. I would love to return. Some day...

Things have been difficult since the separation with J. It's hard in a lot of ways, but i still believe it was the right thing to do.

Right now, I want to focus on me, and filling my life with things that I love. Things that make me happy. I am investigating a bunch of things... I set my desk up again, and am getting back into the writing daily habit. I am investigating Italian classes - or dra

gging out my books and teaching myself again. I am investigating cooking classes, book clubs, theatre groups... Trying to find something that will enrich my life, that is realistically within reach (literally, close enough to home) and affordable, and that is the right timing (missed term 2 start). I'll keep looking.

It's time for me.

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A crisis of (self) confidence

Maybe its a post-birth thing, maybe it is partly the result of stress, but maybe its a much bigger thing too. Actually, if I am honest with myself, it has been worsening for a long time now, this whole self esteem thing.

I think that most people have issues with their self esteem to some degree, internally or externally, and the more I think about it, the sadder I think it is. Why do we depend so heavily on external validation??? Why is it never enough for us to say "well, I think I'm okay!" Why do we care so much? I know that we have the image of perfection slammed at us from so many angles in popular culture etc.. but even so, most of us know that that kind of true perfection is unattainable for most of us, so why do we beat ourselves up over it?

Likewise the way we often take someone elses confidence or intelligence, choices or thoughts as criticisms of ourselves and our decisions, simply because they are different. It doesn't mean we are wrong, just different! And that is actually a good thing! Healthy debate, confidence in your own beliefs and choices is a great thing.

At the same time, I think its important to better ourselves. Acknowledge our weaknesses and commit to changing that which we don't like. If we are unhappy, try to fix it - but the key is to feel that is enough, trying is the important bit, surely. To feel that change is coming, I think that has to help? I recently decided for myself, to 'fake it until i make it' - so okay, I am not happy with myself right now, but I am working on that, and until I am happy, pretend that I am the me I see, the me I want, and feel the confidence that would come with that, even if I am not there yet. Because the more confident I feel, the happier I will be and it will become true confidence. Not fake. If I feel it, I will exude it, which will make it genuine. Does this make sense?!

Being comfortable in our own skin, or in our own minds, is not an easy thing. Its challenging, and at times it is confronting. We all have days we hate the mirror, we all have days we wish we could behave differently, but maybe our faults are the key to our true selves too. Maybe they are what make us us, and maybe its okay to accept them too. To a degree. Hmm.

I hate this kinda self-help style crap, but honestly, there has to be a way to change this stuff without the corn! I just haven't found it yet (except to say I love my sarcastic bitchiness so no esteem issues there :P )

What are your insights? Have you worked on self esteem issues? Have you learned to love you for you? How did you do so?