Emotion

I have no emotional intelligence. If you've not heard of it, Emotional IQ can be measured, and whilst it's been some time since I tested, I ranked poorly then, and little has changed.

I've never been good at measuring and processing my emotions. I feel things so strongly, and it gets hard for me to react to them without allowing the feelings to take over. It can make life difficult at times.

In the past, this tendency to wear my emotions on my sleeve caused me no end of trouble when I was enduring infertility and all the emotions that go with it. I lost some friends because I would lash out when I was hurting. Thankfully, the friends that saw it through with me, knew why I lashed out, and didn't take it personally. They understood me. Those friends are invaluable, lifelong friends.

I'm thinking about this today because I am trying to temper some strong emotions at the moment. I've been hurt, and hurt makes me angry, as well as disappointed and protective. I must refrain from lashing out, I must temper the emotion. What do you do when someone has hurt you, fairly deliberately, and even though there is remorse, forgiveness is hard to find? It hurts, and I don't know where to put it.

Here's a hornets nest for you...

The topic of termination/abortion. Its a doozy, wouldn't you agree?

I swing all over the place on it. I have friends who have had to make that choice, and I don't think less of them for it, of course I don't. How can I know til I am in those shoes right? Finns conception was not ideal... J and I had split, I had a job and a plane ticket and was outta here... But the thought of not having my little man about... far out. The world would miss out.

Because of my infertility, though, it becomes REALLY hard. I see my closest friends go through hell, IVF after IVF, invasive procedures, hospitalised and in agony with over stimmed ovaries and stuff... friends who cannot conceive and cannot afford to try any longer so have to accept a childless or imperfect family make up.... people who have beautiful hearts and would make amazing parents... Would give a limb to be able to have what others terminate.

I don't begrudge people in awful choice-less (or all but) circumstances that option, not at all. But some use it when "oops, withdrawal method not so reliable.." well no shit. Or "oops, can't really afford a plasma AND a baby so.." that to me is wrong. Thats a life with hopes and dreams and who could give so much to the world... I struggle.

I don't express pain well. Geez that has been told to me a few times. I am too angry apparently. Some people, when they feel pain, will cry or will tell people they are crying or desperate or upset. Other people like this, because they enjoy the role of comforter. They like that its "easy" to address or help. They're selfish in their giving comfort, they like what they can handle, mostly.

I don't do that. I get angry. I lash out and I swear and rant and rave. People don't like that, and they don't realise it is an expression of pain, they see it as someone who is being mean or nasty or whatever. They can't step outside their square - and even when directly told, they still say nope, not worthy of my concern, doesn't fit my criteria. Too angry. Can't handle that one! So, should I not say anything, at all, and bottle my grief, or do I let it out in the only way I know how?

And if I do, does that make me evil? Bitter, sure, I accept that. But a horrible person with blatant disregard and immaturity? I don't think thats fair.