#OpEleanor P2

An update on Op Eleanor. Have I been facing down fears? Hell yes. It leaves such a weird feeling, it's sort of exhausting. This mix of looking forward to something whilst at the same time desperately just wanting it to be over - I feel in a permanent state of that feeling and its high anxiety. Tough.

I worked! I nailed the interview I mentioned last post, and I worked for a few hours on Tuesday. I loved it. The sense of purpose and adult interaction and money... I offered more help in the future and she has my number so I will just hope. They were wonderful people to work for.

You know what else I did that seems completely nothingy but is a huge deal to me? I booked a spray tan. I've never had one before, whilst I am still a big girl, I am 39kg less than I was and confident enough to get one at least. Still nervous as hell, though. It's not a booth one, it's an airbrush vegan one from Lavish Tan. Thankfully, my communications with Alex so far in making the booking have reassured me it will be ok, she is lovely.

I'm also going solo to World Vegan Day on Sunday - nervous but excited. That same mix of feelings for all of these things. I think my adrenalin rush will kill me by the time December rolls around!

What are you about?

So, I have no idea what my blog is about. When asked to categorize it, I sort of say 'er.. parenting I guess, although, probably more cooking at the moment. Oh and books, I talk about books a lot...'

In other words, I have NO freaking idea. And just as I start to be concerned about this, and worry that I have no niche and no target, I remember I don't care. I just write about stuff. Stuff I want to talk about. Not many people read it, but that's okay, because it means I can talk about a hodge podge of life in general, and I'm not turning anyone off. Because when I started this blog, blogs were exactly that - a web log. A diary of someones thoughts and experiences. They were not big business, and they were not targeted to specific audiences. That works for me. So, on that note, here is today's hodge podge of everything that smooshes together in my life right now.

Books. I am reading non stop, and was reading a mix of fluff and crime and mystery, but have found myself freaking out too much at the scary books lately, so am on a run of fluffy chick lit at the moment that has escapism firmly planted in its ethos. Bliss. Given I've had this stupid cold/flu thing, it's quite timely.

Writing. Every time I open my... well, I suppose I can call it a story? A book it is not. My writing, anyway, every time I open the file I look at it, feel stupidly overwhelmed, and so promptly close it again. This is Not. Good. Writing. Practice. It's just that it's such a mash at the moment of research, fiction, time sequences are all over the place, and it's quite simply, a big fat mess. My lovely friend, Jess, tells me that the most difficult part of a story happens from 20-30,000 words and if I can get past this hurdle, things will be better. I can see how that is true, I just have no idea how to push through this portion that is the draft from hell.

Food. I'm all about Mexican this week. Because how good is Mexican food?! And it's so freaking easy to vegetarianise (made that word up). Right now in my fridge I have portobello mushrooms, capsicums, and onions marinating in fresh chillies, garlic, lime and lemon juices and paprika and cumin. Helloooo vegie fajitas! And every week I make refried bean burritos and chilli sans carne. So freaking good. So, I was scoping out more ideas for Mexi-Vegi goodness and I have some awesome recipes up my sleeve to try soon. Mexi pot pies, mexi pasta, vego nacho, and this interesting burrito bake that has me intrigued and uncertain, but curious enough to try.

Gertie the great dane now lives in a run for most of the day, she has her own leather couch and all. Spoiled rotten. And she has free runs 3 times a day for a couple hours. Given she mostly sleeps, this seems to work well, and keeps her safe. No more toxins and emergency vet bills. So far. Knock wood.

Parenting is as amazing as ever. I really am so lucky to have scored two of the coolest kids. Finn is 9 and the smartest kid I've ever known. His NAPLAN results were off the chart. Literally. Super smart, and sweet as hell, he's uber nerd like his parents, totally into Dr Who and Minecraft. Love it. Miss RJ is 3 and hilarious. Such a cheeky little bugger, thinks shes hilarious (and usually is). I currently have the worlds biggest Barbie Dreamhouse in my car for her birthday. I want to keep it.

Life... well, life is pretty awesome right now. I am on track with stuff, I have happy texts pinging my phone most days of recent... ;) And I am looking forward to uni next year (enrolled already!) The only thing that could add a touch of sweetener is some more freelance, paid, writing work. So... Get in touch all you editors. I'm a good work. Guy. (Thanks, Lenny).

Picture Credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/40126860/via/abillest

Onward to the future

I made a decision this weekend. I've ummed and ahhed over this one for some time. Some years, actually, and with my youngest starting kindergarten in the new year, the time is now. I'm going back to school. Again. I know, I know, I have an unhealthy addiction to study. I've studied for most of my life. I have a Bachelor of Arts, I started a social work degree, then I did a Grad Dip in Literature which extended into a Master of Arts in Writing and Literature. Then I toyed with the idea of education and teaching, and pondered journalism. And here I am. Again. I applied for a Grad Dip in Journalism yesterday. I have a feeling I may already have a deferred place to accept, I forget now, but hopefully that all sorts out and I can nut it out. If I want to, I can get advanced credit with my writing units and just do 4 units for the journalism part, but might do the full 8 of journalism units, not sure yet.

The thing is that all of my qualifications so far are, well, useless. Sort of. I mean, they are a foundation but they do not specifically meet job criteria. They're a little wishy washy - I loved them, I don't regret going after passions and they've all given a solid base to stick this GD onto and to then go into positions which want specific media qualifications with an extra boost. I'm excited about it. All I know is that I need to write. Whether it is journalism, fiction, creative or factual or a combination of all the above, I need words in my future. Am I too late? Is all but 35 too old to get into this over young hungry grads? I like to think I bring wisdom and experience to it as well, but whether that will be enough, only time will tell.

I may create my own positions, I may create my own work out of it all as well yet. Certainly I have ideas that with the right knowledge could become a future in and of themselves. Life awaits. Watch me go!!!

Masters Hell

I am sure it exists, and I am well mired in it. The masters hell. Where sleepless students sit screaming in agony and endless reams of empty pages torment souls.

How overdue is my masters you ask? ONE ENTIRE YEAR LATE. I am so bloody grateful and lucky that my supervisor is an empathetic, kind person who understood the pregnancy/newborn havoc and has given me a final chance to get the sucker done.

I want this, I remind myself daily, I chose this, and remember the vision of claiming that degree at graduation, of holding a masters degree. I want this. So why am I blogging and not revising???

I have one final set of revisions to make, both to the fiction element and to the exegesis, the fiction reviews are not too bad actually, and ought to be complete by the days end, but the essay needs hours and hours of work and research still to be passable.

I want this done by months end, if I can get the fiction done today, then that leaves 11 days to complete the exegesis, surely that is more than achievable? Then christ please get me OFF here and back to work so that I may leave masters hell forever... Or at least for two years because I really think I am addicted to study.

Yes, I am a nerd; out and proud too!

Taking risks

Are you a risk taker? I would have always thought I am reasonably so, but maybe age is getting to me. Recently, J was promoted and has offered for me to continue staying at home, and when the boy is of school age in 18months, to stay home and pursue my writing properly. I feel a bit guilty about the prospect, though I would love to take him up on it. How generous he is, he tells me he thinks I have talent and that he believes in me, god love him.

Thing is, I also want to contribute financially, and I am not sure that as a writer, I will cut it. Its so unlikely, so rare that one is published when you consider how many actually WANT to be. I have faith in myself, to an extent, but geez it calls for a big leap. Not sure I can do it! What prompted this post, was the receipt of a present in the mail from the stunning Marisa. She sent me a beautiful pen, with a card saying she believed in me and had loved reading the short stories I have written. How beautiful a thing is that to do for someone? What a fantastic friend!

I think that I will, in the hope that one day I can return the support and belief in J's dreams. Down the track, when I am old, will I remember the material things I could have acquired? Or will I remember that I took and gamble and went for a dream I have had since I was 12 years old???