I am not who I was, any longer.

The last 5 years I have been through the sort of changes most people might go through over a decade or more. It has been seriously intense and as it dawns on me just how much I have changed, I feel this weird mixture of excitement and fear.

5 years ago I was about to fall pregnant with my second child, I weighed a LOT, I was married (albeit unhappily), and Mum was beginning her cancer battle. Now I am 40 kilograms lighter, my second child is off to kinder, I am separated, Mum is well, and I am a vegan. We could be two different people. For 10 years I have been a full time mum, and letting that go and knowing this is it, is a scary feeling. What do I do with myself now??? Sure they still need me and will for a time yet, but it's not the same, independence has begun. I am the most alone I have ever been. In lots of ways. Friends are heading in different directions with pregnancies, babies, houses... I am sort of out here in the wilderness.

I see this as an exciting time, but it is unsettling and nerve wracking as well. There is a part of me that has a desperate urge to disappear for a bit. All these changes, the failed dating, the confused mind, the emotional weight of my babe heading out into the world - it's exhausted me. I have this need to shut down, switch off and hide in my cave for a while. Of course practically that's pretty much impossible.

What I have done, is book myself a night away. Just one night, but at least it's something. Some space, some time out. As an introvert, I recharge by being alone. I am never really alone for long, though I guess with real kinder hours beginning next week I will get some time. Everything feels chaotic, like a whirl of thoughts I can't quite grasp, unsettled and unstable. It's intense. I don't quite know how to handle it.

End ramble.

My nest is emptying a little

I'm scared. There. I've said it. Scared may even be an understatement. Here's the backstory - I tried for almost 3 years to conceive my son. Eventually, I did so, and he is my precious firstborn. He's now 9, and in grade 3, time is flying by at a pace I cannot keep up with. We started trying for a second child when he was just 6 months old, knowing how long it had taken to get him, and aware the same challenge may present itself. In fact, it was worse. It took five long, pain filled years, rounds of clomid, of artificial inseminations, of giving up altogether, then of IVF and finally, finally, my beautiful daughter was conceived and came into this world. She is turning 4 next month. You know what that means, right?

It means next year she is off to kindergarten. 15 hours a week there, before beginning school in 2014. And I... I can hardly bear to think of it. That sounds dramatic, but you must understand how longed for my babies were. How much I have valued every second that slips past faster than I can grab onto it. How much I enjoy their company. When RJ was just two months old, my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. That first year of her life was a blur of chemo, surgeries, and fear. Not to mention the masters thesis that I had to write and submit. Mum is now three years cancer free, my masters is completed, and my baby girl is about to start leaving the nest.

I don't know how to prepare myself for this. Just thinking about it makes tears well up on my eyes and my heart pound. I know I am overreacting and I know I will adjust. God help me when they leave home. I am going back to school next year, so that will help me stay busy while she is gone. I have the Two Vegan Girls project to invest myself in. I just know I will feel like I am missing a limb when my little sidekick is no longer here beside me, permanently. It will be okay... right?? :(

Happy 8th Birthday, Finn

I cannot believe 8 years has passed since I became a mother. How amazing is this experience? I feel so lucky that I can be a mother, and moreso, that I can be a mother to the amazing children I have.

Finn is a special kid. He has the mind of an adult, often. Which confuses his 8 year old mind to no end at times, I think. He is so compassionate, so empathetic, so kind and generous and giving. Often to his own detriment, but he doesn't care. He just wants people to be happy.

He is everything I hoped and more as a big brother to RJ. He dotes on her, loves her, and is proud of her. It makes me glow with happiness to see how he teaches her and looks out for her always.

He is fiercely smart. He has a brain for maths and science that I can't rival, and he reads way ahead of the norm. He wants to invent things, he wants to solve problems, and he wants to do it all wearing a superhero cape.

I am so proud of the boy he is. So proud of the personality, and the intelligence he possesses. My wish is that he can be proud of it too, he can be such a perfectionist, he always demands more from himself.

My darling heart, I cannot believe you are 8. You are my world now, as much as you were when you came into the world 8 years ago. I am so proud to be your Mama. I love watching you grow, learn and develop. When I went to America, I talked to you about our "invisible string" it attaches our hearts, and can lengthen and retract depending on our distance apart. It's unbreakable. It always will be, even when you're 16 and trying to shred it ;) I'm always with you, and always proud of you. I love you my mooey. No matter what.

Tomorrow marks 4 years...

Finn post haircut today, looking somewhat unimpressed...

Dearest Finn,

And so, your fourth year comes to an end. It has been a busy year, it doesn’t feel too much like it has flown as it has in years gone by. A lot has happened. Just after your last birthday, we took a family holiday for a few days to Cowes at Phillip Island. We had a great time at the beach, the playground, seeing the penguins, koalas and Churchill island. Was a really nice break, and we named it Finnfest06 because it really was all about you and what you would enjoy! This year (Finnfest07?) we are off to Tassie!

You are a funny boy, from as early as 3 you were memorizing entire books and reciting them back to us in their entirety. These were not short books either, but decent length ones – utterly gobsmacking. You are a clever clogs, no doubtski aboutski!
We moved to a new town, before we really wanted to, it all happened very fast and coincidentally the weekend we came to check out houses, there was a sign out for the Montessori schools open day. This is a twice a year event, so pretty freaky timing! We went along and they had 3 spots left so we snapped one up on the spot. As I said – all very fast and god it has been the best thing!!! You are thriving and they really know you, and are doing everything to help you reach your potential, including increasing you to 4 mornings now, as of next week. When you first went, I cried and cried. It was so difficult to let you go! You did well, my little trooper. You have had some wobbly moments, and some tears, but you really love it. You have mastered a lot of what is being taught, and are ready for the extra morning. The teacher told me that she was teaching the older kids numbers 1-20 and turned around and there you were, having done the lot when even the older kids were struggling. Bless! There was also mention of you in the school newsletter one week as “a first year with beautiful language such as answering ‘of course’ when asked a question, and ‘that’s fantastic.’” They comment on it a lot to me,, that you are an amazing little boy. We are so proud!

You have been toilet trained since the end of last year, including overnight. I think I could count the number of accidents you have had in total on one hand. You did it yourself really, one night you asked to wear undies to bed, no more nappy – and we’ve not looked back you little gem! I was rapt!

This year you have had your first nights away from home, having spent a night at Nanny and Pa’s three times now. You did that well and happily too, though we walked round the house in circles feeling lost for the most part! It was odd, you really are growing up fast babe. You adore Shelby and she is just enamored by you, utterly smitten by you, its very cute! She has just started walking and talking to you (in her baby language) which is sweet! They are expecting baby number 2 in a matter of weeks, and we have explained it to you. Your reply was that you didn’t want a brother or sister, just your mama and Dadda, because we’re a team. How sweet! I think that will change one day but you are happy for now!

You are also now writing letters and numbers which are just gorgeous (sometimes backwards and heart meltingly sweet) and you can read words if they can be sounded out phonetically, which is exciting! Also why the teachers want you for an extra morning a week now. They report that you are a perfectionist and also like to watch something in action before attempting it yourself as you hate failing at things and like to be confident of completing it right before trying. I am always telling you mistakes are okay!

You are still Wiggles mad, happy with Sam replacing Greg, and often reenacting things they do (e.g. origami whale!) You love imaginary play full stop and often re enact various shows you watch (and want to do everything the play school lot do!) Your drawings are now very realistic and you draw animals, people and scenes brilliantly. You love using my laptop and do so expertly now, clicking and dragging and using the touchpad like an expert. You are music mad – video hits is your favourite show and your fave band is probably Silverchair. We watched a concert of theirs on ABC2 last weekend and Daniel Johns was playing his guitar with his mouth. Well! You just thought that was the coolest of cool, and you often play a pretend guitar with your sunglasses on and say you are a rockstar. Rock on dude.

You chatter non stop (get that from your mum!) and are Dad’s mate, and Mama's little boy. Normally, I feel bittersweet and sort of sad on your birthday as you grow up; this year I just feel excited. You are coming into your own so amazingly well, and it is so cool to see. I am excited to see you continue to grow and learn. You have lost your baby face almost completely now, which is sort of sad, but you are such a good looking kid (no I am NOT biased!)

A list of beautiful things you have said this year:
You're my best friend.
I said I was scared of sharing my writing with uni and you said “I’ll do it for you mama, I'm not scared of writing!”
Why does every people look different?
Why has Jai got brown skin?
One day I woke to hear this: Dadda, isn’t mama beautiful?
Conthirty (not confetti)
Where is the earth of Jeff?
I’ll draw a loveheart to cheer you up mama. What makes you think I am sad? I just know.
Knock knock. Who's there? Who do you expect?
Puh-lease knock it off (felice navidad).
All I love is just you.
You know how I feel? I feel loved.
Ive got something to say to you mama. Sometimes you ARE clever and sometimes you're NOT clever.

Love you so much, more than I will ever be able to let you know. You’re the best babe! Love you!
Mama xxxxx

Click

Written 12 February 2007

Ok, so I admit it, I am an Adam Sandler fan. I think hes hilarious, if you are in the right mood. So, I hired Click over the weekend and J and I watched it together.

Fucking hell! In future, Adam Sandler, if you are gonna do a switch from funny to serious then TELL ME IN ADVANCE. I wanted funny! I was so depressed by the end of it. Sure it had a message... but fuck.

I think it was depressing because it was a shock, I was thinking woohoo gonna laugh.. and ended up wondering wtf?! It was just sad... I hope I am never guilty of missing anything important in life. Bah!!

First Day of School.. :(

Written 7 February 2007

Well, of preschool, which being montessori, is cycle 1. I was heartbroken. He was slightly hesitant, bit wobbly smile... but ok. I cried for an hour. I missed my boy!!!

I know he is ready, I know he is in the best possible place, and I know we will get used to it and that all helps a lot. Its just this, the first of many times of letting go, is painful.

Sigh. I dont want to do this all again tomorrow. 3 mornings a week is a lot compared to.. well.. none!? It gets easier eventually - doesn't it???!

Closing the door on negativity

Written 12 January 2007

Okay, so, the last 12 months I spent grieving my infertility, and inability to give my son a sibling. Lots of anger, lots of bitterness, lots of pain. Almost exactly 12 months after deciding to stop treatment, something just changed in my head.

I don't know what it was, nothing I can pinpoint, but suddenly I just knew that it was done. It wont ever be a clean break, I am sure I will always have moments - I will always be infertile. But I feel positive. I feel excited, and I feel hopeful, and those feelings feel like strangers almost!

I was able to grieve and be accepted in that grief, even though it was not a conventional loss, and I think that is what enabled me to find this peace. I am excited about the opportunities we will provide our son with, and I am excited about the things that are in my life right now.

I feel like I have to let go of the negative to make room for the positives that I know will come. I can feel them waiting, and so I feel like I am closing the door on it all. Its a bit scary, it has sort of defined who I am for so long. I feel like I am closing the door on the girls I still support with their infertility stuff too, but I am not. I just need to take a step back, and get some balance.

I feel like I am on the verge of big happiness, and I can choose to stay where its comfortable, in what I know, in whats familiar, even though mostly negative in its very nature. Or I can step off the cliff and find out what might catch me.

I think I am ready to jump.

A year older, and the year ahead!

Written: 20 November 2006

It was my birthday last Thursday. Remember when that was a good thing?! I have begun the final year of my twenties, and I am clinging onto them for dear life. 30 next year, means I really am an adult, and there no escaping it. I am convinced I am still about 19. Somehow, ten years have passed and it has me beat how I missed them. They've been bloody good years though! J and I have been together for most of them, and still, I am sure it was only yesterday I fell in love with him at uni! And of course, the world was turned upside down in that time when our gorgeous boy arrived in the world. Youth is one thing, but I'd be old forever to have my little boy (if only I could keep him at this beautiful, 'mama is my world' age!)

So what of the next year? Someone asked this on a website I use and it was a good thing to consider. Bit early for resolutions (that I dont think I have ever kept anyway), but good to set some goals.

I applied to do a postgrad qualification so I am hoping I am accepted. I have been studying tourism, and I have enjoyed it, but I dont think it will fit with what I want the next few years of my life to be. Its all about long hours and shift work and rotating rosters. Thats fine when my boy, F, is a little older, but in his early school years, I dont want to be too far away. I could always return if I wanted to anyway.

So I thought I would dig out my so far useless Bach Arts degree and get a postgrad in teaching, and teach secondary for a while. Its the other job that has always held appeal for me. I could get the Grad Dip in Education next year and be ready to teach, but all I could teach would be philosophy, psychology and social ed/sociology. So I decided, I have 2 years before I want to go back to work fulltime, so I will spend next year getting a post grad in literary studies so I can add english to my potential classes. Admittedly, there is also an element in there of doing literature for the sheer pleasure of it. NERD!

Since F will be at kindergarten 3 mornings a week, I can study full time (have managed a half load the last 18 months with him home fulltime). I am going to need something to fill that time. I am dreading him going!

He has started last week doing 2hours a week to get him used to it for the 3 mornings next year. He LOVED it. I know he is so ready and will thrive, so I am happy, but of course, the part of me letting go for the first real time is sad. I feel like its the beginning of the end of my job as a full time mother... it is. But thats not entirely bad... just a wee bit sad. Its gone so fast and I have adored every second.

Which makes me think about the whole should we have more children thing again... Will make a decision in the next few months about returning to fertility treatment. Have had 12 months off now, and had decided that was it and was struggling to accept that. Then I realised I dont have to say its definitely over, I can always change my mind! It sounds simple but it was liberating. So, I'll decide... one day...

Speaking of infertility, next year a weekend away is being planned with the small group of women who have been like my support group through infertility. All 7 of us face fertility "challenges" (HA!) and have become like family, and we are scattered across Australia, so we have marked the long weekend in March as one we will spend together, drinking, eating and being merry! (Unless of course, theyre all up the duff, which would mean I'd drink alone for the 7 of us! Woot!)

Also want another holiday with my boys next year, and to spend more time with my beautiful little niece. I just feel like its going to be a good year.