Weight loss surgery

Controversial? Yeah, probably. Any time I read an article or something about it, there are loads of comments where people say fat people just need to exercise and eat less. Funny, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT :/ I wish it were that easy, really I do. Being overweight isn't something people tend to enjoy. Often it goes hand in hand with self hatred or self consciousness, and even if one manages to find an acceptance and love of themselves with "extra" weight, they're still subject to a society that ridicules, denigrates and abuses them. So, let me tell you, if it was so easy, if we could all just stop eating and exercise, we would. There are lots of reasons it's not and I won't get into them because I don't think I could cover them all, ever.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about surgery. It's pretty much a last resort for those that decide to go ahead with it. Whether its a lap band, a gastric sleeve or a gastric bypass, there's risk. It's a major operation and every major operation comes with a risk. It's what put me off for years, I was terrified that the risk of surgery was too great. Surgery on an overweight person already increases risk, ya know? But someone once said that your weight is rarely the same on a 12 month anniversary, and mine was only ever greater. I got heart palpitations and had to wear a holter monitor (they were harmless but I was terrified it was weight related), I got terrible reflux that was agony, and I ended up having all sort of investigations to try to resolve it... It was weight related. I realised things were only ever going to get worse for me. I hated my reflection, I hated my body, I was scared I would die young and not see my children grow up. I had to do something, I was desperate. Absolutely desperate and terrified.

Now, I still have to shake my head and ask myself, 'did I really have my stomach chopped out?!' It blows my mind that I was so extreme, that I had to be. I feel disappointed that it came to that, but grateful I had the option. The option to essentially save my life. My confidence, my self esteem. All these things were saved. I am currently 9 months out from my gastric sleeve operation and I have lost 37kg. Imagine how much lighter my body must feel to carry around every day. Have you ever lifted 37kg? I encourage you to do so. I paid for the operation upfront. $15,000 that happened to come our way and could have been used for a home, for debt reduction, for so many better things. I still feel guilt about it. But, it's a second chance at life. And I feel like I am really living now. I feel like suddenly, I have a future that I never saw before, that I never truly believed I would get the chance to see, and now I do. I cannot tell you how powerful that is. I am so grateful to J who gave me the money to do this, and sacrificed his own dreams to let me live. It's not something I can ever fully express gratitude for. Such an incredible gift to be given in so many ways.

It's hard not to compare my loss to others who have had the same operation and are faring so much better, but I am trying to focus on my own journey, and for me, it's a big deal and a massive improvement. So maybe surgery is controversial, but for me it was the only way I could have done this. I have not a single doubt in my mind about that, because I see how much I still struggle not to overeat, to exercise, to change the mind as well as the body. It's hard, really hard, but it was the only way I could save my life. Drastic, not the easy way out by any means, but grateful that I could do it. It's time to shine not only an awesome Kell on the world, but an awesome confident Kell. Bring that on.

Catch up

What a busy week that was!!!

Firstly, we went to The Wiggles concert last Sunday the 4th, which was RJ heaven. She was able to briefly meet Murray when she handed him roses for Dorothy which made her day. It was a good day but geez they're starting to age.. Yikes. Anyway, we had fun and I survived my first big post op outing. Yay!

On Tuesday, Finn had his keyboard open day, a mini concert where he played a solo, and also got a solo in the group song all of his own, since he taught himself the latter part of the song that no one else knows. So proud. He really has got some amazing skills now, and is playing brilliantly.



On Wednesday we had RJs ballet concert which was absolutely adorable. Kids of all ages performed but the 2 year olds were just especially cute. She loved it and kept saying she wanted to do it again. She has since been showing off her ballet moves to all and sundry at school. Made for the stage this kid. So beautiful!



On Thursday I went to see the dietician and found I've lost a total of 16.3kg now, I am going great guns and am able to go from liquids to mushy foods (trickier than it sounds, most foods still feel too much for me). It's nice to have choice in my diet again, even a small choice. It'll be a long month or so to get back to a normal diet though.

Friday I had to get one of my incision wounds checked, its a bit iffy, but nothing to worry about which was a relief. This weekend we celebrated RJ and Js birthdays since their actual birthdays fall on Tuesday, and no one is around! We have another very hectic week ahead. I will be glad to hit Xmas and fall in a heap I can tell you! Sheesh!

Lovely stuff

My OPI order arrived today. I have been sweating on it getting here and I was NOT disappointed. Check these babies out!!



I love how bright and fun they are. I love the idea of alternating green and red for Chrismassy toes, too. RJ immediately requested pink glittery toenails. But of course!

The entire muppets range of colours are stunning but I left out the red/pinks since I already have shades similar enough.
So much pretty. With my GHD, my Sephora make up that arrived 2 weeks ago, and pretty nails, I am going to wow soon!

Surgery recovery is going well. I am stiff and sore still, wind pained still, and tired still... But it's going well. It's odd. I want to eat, food still holds great appeal, but I am happy to stick to my liquid diet for a couple of weeks and not take any unnecessary risks. What IS surprising is how little I need to have to fill me. This will relax over time, but right now, a few tablespoons of soup and I am done. WEIRD FEELING. The mental part of it is the strangest and most difficult for sure. Onward and upward (or downward if we're talking scales...)

D Day

Auto publish for DDay. When this goes up, I will be at the hospital - surgery day.

Let's DO this!!!!

3 days to go...

... Until surgery day, and they're going to be busy ones. I am nervous and highly strung, need to do some relaxation along the way as often as possible. I wrote a letter to myself a while back, I'll share it today. See ya on the other side, ya'll x

Dear Kelly,

This is the only you I have ever known. I can barely remember a you that comes close to a normal weight. It's not that I expect to be thin, I'll always be large, but where you are now is scaring me. It's an ongoing gradual sliding gain, and in 8 years, I've gained almost 20 kg. If I keep on this path, I know I will be in trouble. Since the latest 7kg in 5 months gain, I have had this horrible reflux/ulcer/whatever thing, and heart palps, and it dawns on me it will only get worse. It's terrifying. I am scared of this operation, too. It all feels a bit surreal. It's drastic. It's scary, but I need help. I remember at uni, when I was maybe 30-40kg lighter than I am now, I was referred to as "Big Kell" - they didn't know I could hear them call me that. It wasn't said meanly. I was being differentiated from another Kelly. I'll always be Big Kell. It's all I ever knew. The ugly, fat, sister. The hide behind smarts and wit because it's all I have.

I want to be ME. I want to let me out, the true me, not the fat me I have always felt. It's not that I don't feel I don't have value now, because I know that I do, weight or not. But, I want to feel confidence to let that real me inside, shine on the outside as well. I want the confidence to just live. I don't want to be sad, fearful, and self conscious anymore.

I want to see my children grow up. I want this so much, for my children, and for me. I want this to give myself another chance. Don't lose sight of your goals, look at those photos and remind yourself why you never want to come back to this. Remember how unhappy you are right now, and have been for so long. At 34, you're going to start life. Remember where you came from, and be kind to yourself. Don't devalue who you were (and are still, at this point in time), just because of weight. You're so much more than that. It's time to let the weight go and embrace being me. The real me.

Love, Kelly.

Intuition

in·tu·i·tion   [in-too-ish-uhn, -tyoo-]
noun
1. Direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.

Intuition, gut instinct, real truth, divine guidance... call it what you will. Truth is, something of that nature exists. Is it coincidence, or a fabrication of the mind, perhaps? I don't think so, but some would. Sometimes, I can tune into it easily, others it is far more difficult, or impossible altogether.

I know when I have struck on it, it's feeling that's hard to describe. I go from chaos in my mind, anxiety, worry, and fear to a settled feeling of KNOWING something is true and right. It's never failed me. Good and bad. When I think about my surgery next week, I have only good instincts but geez they can be hard to locate and cling to. My mind gets in the way. It doesn't stop me freaking out.

I sort of feel as though my mind is getting desperate this week and throwing every trick at me it can muster. Sabotage, sore stomach returning, boredom... It's as though it is in freak out mode that am actually going ahead with this. It's hard to cope with, because I am constantly fighting a battle with my own mind and trying to keep it on a leash. It WILL be okay, it IS the right thing... Breathe...

This op is a pretty big deal, it'll take quite a while to recover, and I don't know what it'll mean for my every day future. I just know I'm out of choices. I need help. It's this or an early grave. I hope it turns out to be the best thing I ever did. Time will tell.

I have to remind myself, as the past has proven, when I feel scared or nervous, I must focus on my intuition. It never lets me down.

Stuff and other things

Brief update on moi. My operation was originally set for Nov 24, then they moved me to the 25th, and this week they moved me BACK to the 24th. Craziness. I hope I get my fasting and admission times correct after all this :) I have 18 days until the operation, and the diet is going okay. I've lost just over 3.5kg, but the food is becoming repetitive and boring. Still a way to go yet. I have moments of freak out over the operation, I just want to be on the other side of it, but mostly I am feeling good about it all.

Bit worried I am transferring my emotional eating to emotional shopping after this weeks Christmassy binge. I best keep an eye on that!

I took the kids to the 'zoon' on Saturday. Zoon is how RJ pronounces zoo, very cute. We had a great time, though it was a pretty hot day and by the time we got home, I was a touch sunburned. Naturally the kids had hats, I just didn't get one for myself! Typical! Here we are at the Orangutan enclosure, where we saw the cutest Mama and new baby Orangutans.



It feels like an exciting time for me. I am focused solely on myself and the kids, and I am excited for the future. My gorgeous friend, Nat, wrote this blog entry for me this week, which made me really centre on what is important. I am grateful that it helped me, and honoured that she sees me in such a beautiful way. I was accepted into a journalism post grad, but am yet to hear back regarding the PhD I was considering, so I am uncertain what I will be doing study-wise next year. Either way, I will be writing, getting thinner and healthier, and enjoying watching my children grow. It's a bright outlook. Brilliant.

A new beginning.

Starts today. Today is the first day of my pre surgery diet. I have to do this for 4 weeks, in 4 weeks from today, I will be going in for my operation. It's kinda scary and exciting all at once. I don't really have a lot to say about it. I'm not dwelling on it too much, just plodding along, really. Anyway, I wanted to mark the start of this life changing journey. Here we go :)

Sunshiney day

Excuse my last post tantrum. I feel much better in every way today. The sun has been out and has done some healing work on my soul. My health is tolerable, and will keep improving. I feel as though I am making progress on myself. I am on day 11 of being vegetarian and enjoying it hugely. I just feel better for it. Surgery is in 5 and a half weeks, I am all booked in and ready to go. I have a flat out week ahead then things calm again for a bit. Monday is dance lesson day, Tuesday I have to go the dietician, Wednesday is karate day, Thursday is psychologist day. Friday I can relax! In theory. Or catch up on the weeks housework more likely. Finn also has swimming lessons every day for the next 2 weeks. Intense.

Had a lovely week with RJ, she is at such an intense age at the moment. The "why mama? Why?" phase is in full swing. She loves being a girly girl and wearing pretty dresses and hair clips, yet she was fascinated by the big cherry picker truck that came this week. She is ful of personality and opinion and she is both stubborn and sweet. Cracks me up. Meanwhile, Finn has advanced to juniors class at Karate. no more kids classes for him. He is in with teens. I am afeared. He is excited.


RJ watching the truck up at the power lines.

I got myself the new iPhone 4S this week, it's beautiful. As with an new Apple product, the thing that always strikes me most is the beauty of the product. They really are art. The clarity and crispness of the new camera is amazing. The below is the first picture I took with it. Both kids were keen to be in the first photo for the new phone. ;) Siri is fun too. I like having my own PA to store reminders and such for me. Very cool. The first 24 hours my calls wouldn't work. Telstra blamed Apple, Apple weren't sure. Of course, stock was sold out and there were no replacement phones, but thankfully, all it needed was a new SIM card and all was perfect. Phew! The most exciting feature for me I literally just discovered now. I downloaded a song from iTunes on my laptop earlier, my phone just told me it automatically can access these downloads without syncing now. I have been wanting that feature for so long! SQUEE!!!!

The power of thought?

How powerful do you think your mind is? I've been thinking about the power of thought lately. From 'The Secret' to a Dan Brown-esque book of fiction I just finished (called The Fourth Awakening), it's becoming an increasingly popular theory.

I dreamt the other night that someone in my dream called my name. I responded by sitting bolt upright in bed, as though it were real, and not in my head.

I've had a sore stomach for a week. Since about the time I decided with certainty to get the surgery. I can eat without any problem, but my upper abdomen is sore and tight. I wonder if it's stress? Or a reaction to anticipatory stress of the op? I'm fairly obsessive in my thinking about the surgery. It makes me wonder what effect my thoughts are having on my body and if it's possibly what's going on. Seems a bit of a nutty theory though.

Another thing I've been thinking about for some months now, is becoming vegan. I've a few vegan friends who've shared amazing recipes, and each seems really well grounded and centered in life in general. Since after the operation, I'll need to change my eating entirely - albeit temporarily - I might use the opportunity to make the change entirely. My greatest concern is alternatives to chocolate. How sad is that?? Since I'll be eating less anyway, it seems timely. Whilst I currently eat animal products, im enjoying them less and less. I need to read up on it some so I can get my head around it in time.

For a year or so now, I have felt like my life is this messy jumble, out of control and chaotic. I can see future me, settled and happy and focused, but I don't know how to get there. I want to slow down and be more aware of every day. I want to be grateful and cherish small things. I want to be centered and calm. I don't know where to start.

Yawn

Wassup? Slack blogger as per. It's school holidays, and my boy has been super sick for most of it thus far. It started with a headache the Thursday night before the last day of term. He insisted on going to the school play anyway, since it was the final performance. By Friday morning he was immobile on the couch with horrible headaches. He threw up once, but that was it. Saturday we went to the doctor who said 'I don't know. Virus?" Helpful. Another day on the couch, no appetite, and he stayed that way most of the week. Yesterday (Thursday, a week later...) he ate a little and didn't have a day nap for the first time in a week. Today he is a little more improved again. It's been a slow recovery, though. Poor kid. Not much of a holiday hes having. Next week he wants to stay at Mums for a night. We went up today for a day trip visit to get him out of the house at least.

It's been a long week for many reasons. I'm finding comfort and escape in a book, very typical. It's helping though. Also, J offered me the cash to get the surgery done ASAP so I have an appointment with the surgeon October 12. Nervous, but excited. Just want to get it over with now. Weird feeling. I need to go to a gold class movie as a goodbye!

Finishing with a photo from the trip to Mums today. Kids had a great time :)

Fat chicks

I've never really talked about weight before. Funny, because it is a huge (pardon the pun) part of my life. I'm a fat chick. It's been that way since puberty, and even before then, I was always larger. Larger I can handle, but where I am now causes me so much sadness. I put a lot of value (or lack thereof) on myself as a person by appearance. It's not resulting in a good esteem at all, but I can't change my thinking. PCOS makes weight loss more difficult, and I have been seriously considering surgery. The past week or so, I have decided that I will go ahead with surgery. I took out health insurance today, there is a 12 month wait, which is kinda frustrating, but I'll use that time to do as much work myself as I can. I know that weight loss surgery is controversial. You know what though? The bottom line is I need help. I've tried for 20 years to lose weight on my own. 20 long, hate filled, failure filled, years. And I want to be around to see my children grow up. I want to be able to move freely and confidently. I want to be able to glance in the mirror and not feel depressed that the person I love on the inside, is not reflected on my outside. It's a terrifying prospect to consider surgery. It's not the easy out, it's scary, it's major, and it will have side effects and repercussions to manage. They cannot be worse than what faces me in the years ahead if I don't do something about this. I need help. Admitting that - publicly - is a big deal.



See this dress? I want to wear a dress like this. Whilst I will never be as thin as this model, I would still fit into that dress. I want to walk into a "normal" store (not a fat chicks store!) and be able to buy something off the rack. I can't even fathom what that is like. :( I've never known it. Ever. I'm scared that even after this, I won't. Maybe I never will. I have to try. For my children, my family, and most importantly, for myself. I need to do all I can. 12 months is going to be a long wait.

Happy thoughts?

Tomorrow Mum is going in for her surgery. As you can read here, she had thought cancer was back, but apparently, it's not. The lump she had gone for is now gone, but they say that shouldn't be happening so soon after her surgery 2 years ago. So, they want to go in a take a look around and check everything is okay. I guess it is largely precautionary. Mum is happy for it to be happening and wanting the peace of mind anyway. She has really struggled with what went on the other week, it shook her terribly, I can't even imagine how it would have felt.

Anyway, so she goes in for surgery tomorrow morning. She will SMS or call me when she is out again. My auntie (her twin sister) just emailed asking if I was worried. I said no, then I said actually, yes. Mostly, because it just brings back the memories of her surgery for cancer. Of the hospital visits for chemotherapy and stuff. It is SO hard to tell myself THIS IS DIFFERENT. It just feels so similar.

Please keep her (and me!) in your thoughts tomorrow. I'll be nervous until I get the all clear call. Whilst results will take a while to come through, if anything untoward IS found, she will find out right away. It'll be okay. I know it.