A giggle

Was reading this library book to my 3 year old yesterday, and came across this page. Maybe it's just my dirty mind, but I was in hysterics! A friend suggested it was 50 shades of Shrek, lol. Certainly a tricky one to read out loud without dissolving into fits of immature giggles.

The awesome that is Siri

snort LOL.

lolz

A bit of light humor to start your week!




There is a whole series of these. They make me chuckle. What do you think?!

WTF?!

I got this doll for RJ ages ago from the cheapo import crap shop. Cost maybe $5 or so. Anyway, it had a zipper on it and you could put batteries in. I didn't bother for ages and forgot about it until F noticed the battery part again today and asked for some. I put them in and we turned her over, ready to see what the batteries did. I assumed, that she would goo or gaa, or cry, or ask for Mama, or something a baby doll with a bottle would be expected to do. What happened, is in the video...



WTF?!!?

Oh the laughter!

This had me in tears. Seriously?! Wow. There are some funny people in the world, are there not?! Bless!



Seriously, leave the lime mineral water at home, okay??

Holy exclamations, Batman!!

This had me laughing to tears. "Holy rising hemlines Batman!!" Some of them are so funny. All the hand punching and glove adjustment.. oh my..

This is so me!

A lovely story about me...

I stole this from an email I got, it summed me up, so I stole it.



One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
(That would be me... :-) )





But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

THE END.

Sam's gone missing!!!

Scary times here this week, Sam went missing. Who, I hear you ask, is Sam? Sam, is (obviously!) the name given to a helium balloon that F bought home from a birthday party on the weekend. He drew a face on him, and dubbed him Sam the grandfather. Sam was okay, at first, bumping his head on the ceiling and bouncing about happily. Everyone was happy, Sam was smiling, F bear was smiling and I watched warily, knowing Sam would soon deflate into that scary zone.


Sure enough, Sam started to lose his puff. He reached that eerie drifting, halfway to the ground lurking stage that feels me with fear and amuses F to no end. "LOOK!" F screams at the same time as Sam appears in my line of vision, next to my head, all stealth like, and I leap into the air squealing, making F giggle crazily - like a mad inventor proud of his evil creation.


The drama began when F came in a few hours later, asking where had Sam gone??? I laughed nervously, "what do you MEAN where is he gone, he was RIGHT HERE a minute ago". We looked around, Sam was nowhere to be seen. He was at my head height, he should not be easy to miss. Where the hell had he gone? We had heard no popping, we could see no earthly remains of Sam on the floor. It was as though he had simply disappeared.

We methodically went from room to room, looking for his pink bobbing head - nothing. I felt genuine anxiety build in me as I frantically went from one end of the house to the other. Where WAS he?! Would he appear next to me again from nowhere?! Was he doing this to mock me?! WHERE THE HELL HAD HE GONE?!!?!?! Part of me began to suspect Sam had somehow worked out my silly fear and was taunting me, my anxiety rose further. Several laps of the house had not yielded his evil pink head.

Finn was puzzled and decided it was time for action. He began to tape missing person signs up around the house. Proactive. Thats my boy.


I was sure I had begun to literally run around in circles now, how can he just be GONE? I couldn't understand it, and my fear began to feel genuine and real. I started to giggle, "I have a fear of helium balloons!" I cackled. F looked at me oddly. Okay. STOP I told myself. Calm. Breaaaaathe. Finn was still taping his 7th missing person sign to the wall (7 in only 2 rooms of our house, no less) and I forced myself to get a grip and instead of glance-looking for his pink head at my head height, I actually looked, properly, in each room. "He must be somewhere, logically, he cannot disappear. This is not a movie. He has not been possessed. He is here, somewhere. Just find him. Before he finds you."

Eventually, F heard me shrieking, Sam was found. He had been squirreling himself away in the toy box of his own accord. I think he knew I was onto him so gave himself up in truth. F was thrilled. Sam was back where he ought to be. I was pleased he had deflated below head height, the end was nigh for Sam.

F went about the house, and with great satisfaction, put a giant X through each of his 7 missing person signs. Peace was restored. And I plotted the notion of pricking Sam with a wee pin so his demise was accelerated a little. Take THAT creepy balloon.

Creepy silent stalkers you ought be aware of...

Laugh if you must (and everyone else does so you might as well!) but I fear some fairly "different" things. One I have had for as long as I can remember, is whales. Snicker if you will, but I find them creepy. They are so... big. And in water. Come on! Kind of like underwater ships (big ships are also just wrong). Yes, I do realise that on land, I am quite safe from their squealy Oooo-oooo noises and drifty silent stalkiness. You must see it!?!?! Just you wait, the day they grow legs and come after us land dwellers I shall be saying I told you so.

Further to this creepy underwater silent stalker type, is my other fear. Fear is perhaps too strong a word but, these things make me distinctly uncomfortable. Helium Balloons. But not the ones floating in the sky, accidentally let go, or bouncing against a roof, and not those deflated and lifeless on a floor either. It is that in between stage. You know the one I mean. The half deflated point where they sort of drift, at head height, around the room, silently. You are sitting, minding your own business when OH MY GOD! The half deflated balloon appears out of the corner of your eye, hovering next to your face like a silent stalker. Scaring the absolute crap out of you and making you jump and scream like a little girl. It is extremely eerie. It ought to be compulsory that someone suck the helium out of them at this point and amuse me with their voice squeakiness. This is the only solution I can see, to end this madness.

Just how uncomfortable these balloons make me was bought home to me recently, stay tuned for my next entry to see what happened when "Sam" went missing at our place...

My emo 5yo is also kinda funny

My son cracks me up, where does he get some of his corkers from?! Yesterday we were watching an ad on tv for a mobile phone company and it mentioned free twitter access. Finn says to me, "you use twitter Mum I saw it on your computer. If you use twitter, does that make youuuuu... a twit?"

Erm. Yes, quite probably babe...

My favourite was when I was pregnant and J was telling him how amazing pregnancy was and he said to F "carrying a baby is the most special thing you can do!" F thought about it a minute and then replied with this gem - "Yeah... except for having a sausage sizzle at my school!"

Well, yes I suppose that IS quite a but more miracuolous than growing and sustaining HUMAN LIFE within your OWN BODY. Geez Kiddo!!!!!

He is so fickle as well, he thinks nothing of telling J or I that he loves the other more. Depending on current mood of course. He watches for the reactions too, the flicker of hurt on his parents face when he delivers the blow that he loves the other more today. I suspect he likes to experiment a little with human emotions and reactions, a little like his psych major mother, only more cruel...

He has his entire future mapped out. On weekdays he is going to be a teacher - possibly instructing on how to build fire engines but this is still being debated - On Saturdays he is going to be in a band like Greenday to perform and write songs. On Sundays he will be an astronaut. I said he would be so busy, and asked when I would get to see him and he said "Oh I will still come home sometimes. You know, for supper and stuff..."

He already practices the rockstar thing with true fervor, he has written songs this weekend called 'Life as a Farmer' ("you might love it but you might get siiiiiiiick of it!") and '4 different words' ("talkin about it!" - thats only 3 but thats simply ironic right!?). He performs them wearing a cowboy hat and singing into a stick. The kid rocks hard.

Honestly, all I can do is watch him with a gobsmacked look on my face somedays, the character he shows is just hilarious. I can hear him now, bossing his father around and telling him that he is not listening properly, and if he keeps it up he will go to his room (which F says is not our bedroom, thats mine alone apparently, J has been informed his room is the laundry). He is going to be such a handful as a teenager. And as an adult as well no doubt.

So long as I get to see my Teacher/Rockstar/Astronaut for supper and stuff.

My #1 TV hero... Stewie Griffin.

The little psycho freak is the BEST. The wit, the sarcasm, the acid smart arsedness... I aspire to be Stewie Griffin. The hate that he has for Lois is my hate for well.. most of the general world lately really. I know, I am a bitch, get over it.

Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Stewie (after tripping Peter): Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it.

Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? (Smashes breakfast into wall.) Make it again!!

(Lois picks Stewie up and puts him in the baby carrier she's wearing) Put me down, you lazy skank!!


Ahhh so incredibly WRONG, political incorrectness at it's best. Stewie, I salute you!!!!

My #2 TV hero... Karen Walker.

Honey, what's that? What's going on? What's happening?

She is such a bitch, so cold, yet so freaking funny. Sarcasm is an understatement. She is the Queen. Wiki says - Karen has been described by Grace Adler as "a spoiled, shrill, gold-digging socialite who would sooner chew off her own foot than do an honest days work", and this statement just about surmises the character's personality. She is also a promiscuous borderline alcoholic with an often tenuous grip on reality and very few morals. She is good friends with Will Truman’s equally narcissistic best friend Jack McFarland.

Karen: You know what those rocks need? A little scotch.

EXACTLY!!!!!!!

Karen: Sorry, fruit, you're out of the loop.

LOL

Grace: Karen...I wanna ask you something, but it's really personal, and I'm afraid you're gonna be insensitive.

Karen: Oh, honey. That makes me feel bad, try me!

Grace: Ok. Do you think it's weird that I've had more partners but less actual sex than Nathan?

Karen: No. No, honey! That just means that people like having sex with Nathan and they don't like having sex with you!

Grace: I can't believe I hesitated to ask you about that.

Karen: Oh relax, honey I didn't mean it like that, of course I didn't! Listen to me! I just meant that people don't like having sex with you, ok?

I am that sensitive!!!

Karen: Grace! It's Christmas, for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus. Up in that tower, letting his hair down so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter.

About my understanding of it all as well...

And finally, my favourite Karen quote:

Karen: Vodka, it's not just a breakfast drink anymore.

Tomorrow meet my #1 TV hero...

Tears.. laughing.. so funny!

Our cat, Keven, does exactly this when put on a cat leash, so I find it hilarious!!!


Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!

Lady

That's me. Lady. Finn has come out with a couple of gems this week.

Firstly, we were playing a game and I started tickling him and, as he calls it, "harassing and haranguing" him. He decided to get revenge, and before launching himself into a full body tackle, he piped up with: "Right!! Listen lady, I am gonna get you!"
I laughed too hard to resist the ensuing tackle!

Then yesterday, he wanted to draw me a picture. He was rather excited about the subject of his drawing, and as he raced off, full of excitement, to pen it, he exclaimed: "When you see this... Lady, you are gonna FLIP!"

Bwaahaahaa! So funny!

Meet Jumbo!

Introducing Jumbo, Finn's imaginary friend. He can grow to the size of Finn and shrink back down to the size of Finn's little finger in 30 seconds! He ALWAYS has a bath at the same time as Finn, and so I have to get Finn out, wrap his towel around him, then get Jumbo out, wrap his towel around him (extra amusing when hes little finger size!) and then send them both on their way. When Jumbo is small, he travels on top of Finn's head.

After one bath, Finn had moved on the bath mat and left wet footprints. I thought it would be fun and cute and clever to tell Finn they were Jumbo's - how amazing! Finn gave me a look that was both confusion and scorn and said "Mama, Jumbo is IMAGINARY, he can't leave footprints, those are mine!" Silly old Mama!!!

Sometimes he plays with Jumbo, and talks about him, but Jumbo is a fair-weather friend, only appearing when it suits Jumbo, not when Finn is REALLY bored and needing someone to play with. Not when it would be helpful, thats for sure!

So Jumbo, your presence would be welcomed these school holidays, in places other than the bath too! When I hear that "I'm bored.. what can I do?" (a new one for Finn admittedly) I can suggest he play with you! :P

The wearer of the 'X'

I really have no idea where the concept came from. However, in this house, if you wear the 'x' - you're marked out as a loser. Somehow, Finn came upon the idea and he has taken it and run with it. In the past, its generally been J who has to wear the x. Usually because hes annoying or harassing Finn and it is Finn's form of retaliation. The wearer is shunned, outcast!

I recently had my first taste of being given the 'x' to wear. It was not fun. I was scorned, ridiculed and exiled. There was much pointing and laughing from the boys, much arm folding and hurrumphing from myself. It wasn't pretty.

So, being the mature, intelligent, adult that I am, I decided I would give Finn a taste of his own medicine. I wielded a texta and threatened the mark of the x. He scoffed at me, his laugh mocking and sort of saying 'thou art daring to place the mark of shame upon ME: the all powerful bestower of X's?!' I grabbed him and drew a beautiful, large, black X on his forearm, resisting his futile attempts at escape.

Well!!! How do YOU like it, sucker?! There were tears, there was a tantrum and there was much cruel laughter from myself. I kid you not, the tears flowed and the wearer of the X screamed the equivalent of 4 year old obscenities at me (e.g. "I am NEVER going to be your friend EVER AGAIN!") So J, softy that he is, scrubbed the offending X off and all balance was restored to the kingdom. I continue to snort and giggle under my breath. Revenge is sweet.

My Brother

It is only fair, after going on about my big sister, that I now go on about my little brother. If my sister and I argued as kids and are close as adults, Ray and I are the reverse. We had a close relationship as kids, and then as adults not so much. Or we do, but we both have to really work at it.

We clash. We are both tempestuous, fiery, hotheads. I have tamed and calmed mine over the years, maybe his will come. When he was a baby, he was doted on by Shell and I, this golden curly haired angelic little boy - so cute. We used to go to opposite ends of the hallway and call him to see which of us he would go to. LOL. And we'd make him choose whose "mate" he was going to be each day.

He met his now wife when they were just 14 or 15 at high school. They had a mostly on, but sometimes off again relationship and are now married with 2 children - a 1 year old and a 6 week old. He and his wife used to spend every new years eve with us when we lived in Warrnambool. It became a tradition, and we had many a good night! We all got along so well then. J and he were great mates and in fact, Ray was best man for J at our wedding.

I don't know when it all got hard. I don't know when it started being difficult and I don't know why. Maybe it was a result of Ray's temper and my infertility (and thus impatience, and low tolerance). I found out they were pregnant with their first child literally the day after a negative AC cycle and so their entire pregnancy was hard for me always thinking I could have been... It wasn't their fault of course, but it was hard. And hearing they were pregnant with number 2 fairly soon after was difficult as well. I think its put distance between us because they don't understand it, and I find it difficult. Add to that his temper and tantrums that I refuse to tolerate, and it makes a good relationship hard to maintain.

That said, I would do anything I could for them in a heartbeat, and I know he would do the same for me. We still love one another, and think a lot of each other. In fact, when I told him the other week that J and I had decided to return to treatment and give IVF a go, he was absolutely over the moon for us. That meant so much to me. He has a good heart, my brother, and would always do whatever he could for us, without hesitation.

I find sibling relationships interesting given Finn has none. I worry he misses out on the things that I have. I know they are no guarantee, but I feel he is being ripped off. Its hard to swallow. I think as a kid, you need an ally in the world growing up. Just gets me down a bit. Even if we have success now we are looking at 5+ years age gap and that might be too much to have any decent relationship anyway. I don't know. As adults it won't though, and thats important for when J and I cark it.

Ok, getting morbid now! I am really lucky to have the siblings I do. I'd not change either of them for the world.

My sister

I was surprised this week, when I told a friend my sister was coming to visit, that she didn't know I had a sister! I realised though, this is a good thing. I suspect I have mentioned my brother and our run ins before, and I hadn't mentioned my sister because we don't have run ins!

My sister is older than I am by 3 years. She is gorgeous... imagine growing up though, the ugly ducking (or at least the chubbier duckling!) with this goddess older sister. It was tough!! I know she reads this blog, but Shell, if you are reading, you are not allowed to mention this entry to me. I don't handle emotional mushy moments well, but I need to tell everyone how cool my sister is!

When we we were growing up, we shared a room until I was about 16. Oh my god. Sharing a room with my sister was just.. lets face it.. challenging. I remember when I was 14 and she was 17 and she was a social butterfly - aside from parties and the usual stuff, she was also doing debutante rehearsals and was involved in a play that had her rehearsing during the week as well. I actually developed a sleeping problem because I would work myself into a state trying to get to sleep, but knowing that even if I did, she would come home late, turn lights on, wander about the room making noise, doing her thing... oblivious to the fact that I was trying to sleep!!! Mind you, I also recall us both waiting til late at night, then sneaking a shared cigarette and opening the window and spraying perfume to cover the smell. (When Mum reads this we are SO busted!)

Once we got separate rooms (for some reason I had the power to choose which room I wanted, but she made me choose which when they were still at slab stage, because she wanted to bury something in the concrete in hers...) but from then on we got on MUCH better!!!

She was the cool older sister. She was popular, she was trendy, she was beautiful and she had LOADS of friends. This helped me out immensely, and my schoolyard stock rose in value just because I was her sister. No one would mess with me, and risk getting her and her friends offside. Very handy, let me tell you.

What was even better, was that when she got her licence at 18, and I was a lowly 15 or so, she included me. She and I would often get in the car and drive the 30 minutes to the closest McDonalds, get something from the drive through and then sit in the car in the carpark and eat it because we were too lazy to get out of the car and go and sit in. She would go and do things with her older male and female friends, and she would often let me tag along. I think I was at a weird place at the time with my own friends. My closest friend had started a serious relationship with a guy that I hated and who hated me, and I felt a bit lost. You know, to take your nerdy little sister with you and your cool friends and look out for her... at that age... I dont think many would do that. I was pretty lucky, and it meant a lot to me.

Rachelle and I are connected with rubber bands. Sometimes they stretch and we can go a little while without contact, and then we snap back and spend lots of time together. There is no question we adore one another. This is one special woman. She came to visit this week, and brought this enormous bunch of lillies for me. She "gets' the infertility stuff, and she always knows the right things to say to make me feel less alone, and more supported. She and Finn have a relationship that he doesn't have with anyone else in his life. Its hard to put into words... he absolutely ADORES her. He is completely smitten and thinks she is this magical, amazing, wonderful creature that was put on earth just for him to enjoy and love. Good old aunty LoLoshe!

I'd be lost without my sister. I really would! She takes care of me, she looks out for me. Not just as a nerdy teenager, not just as someone finding her way in the world, or having troubles conceiving.. she looks out for me in that way that only someone that is connected to your very soul can.

Ode to mothers...

Clever AND funny!!!