Do you ever have moments - morbid ones - where you think... What the hell am I going to do if/when I lose my Mum? Or is that just me being morbid? (almost certainly).
Thing is, my Mum is a best friend. I tell her everything. Literally everything. Even the TMI stuff. She 'gets me' in a way that no one else on earth gets me. I can be all kinds of versions of myself with her and she accepts them all, good, bad, ugly, beautiful and loves me anyway. No matter what evil I have done.
This is not a given for any mother. Some mothers do not deserve their title. Some mothers don't know their children at all, let alone how their brains tick. Some are abusive. Some are just awful. My Mum never really had a good mother herself. She didn't learn from a role model how to be a good Mum. She made it up as she went along. And she did it brilliantly. People often tell me I am a good Mum and they admire my parenting. It's credit to her. I had that good model.
She knows how to handle me when I am anxious, when I am sad, when I am happy. And when I am sick or sad, I still, even at 33, think to myself... "I want my Mum" :( I remember feeling that way at 8, in the sick bay at school, and I'd hear the familiar jingle of her keys and see her familiar shoes pass by the window with its blind half down and I'd feel this enormous sense of "ahhh it'll be okay now."
I remember walking around in her hot pink high heels that I just LOVED, when I was around the same age, and hoping that some day, I'd be a mother as good as her. I've not managed it yet, but there's still time.
Every bedtime, she would always leave the room saying quietly, "Mummy loves..." I now say the same thing to my own babes each night. It feels special. She and RJ share their middle name, it's a little honour, but it never feels enough. What could?!
I'm not sure how I'd ever get by without her. I love you, Mum!
2 comments:
Beautiful. You are lucky to have such a wonderful mum, but in turn, your children are luck to have such a wonderful mum too (and an awesome nanna too, bonus for them!).
I used to have those thoughts all the time, especially in the last few months of her life. It's a natural way to feel when you have a close connection with your mom.
Then I found myself without her and it was seriously, seriously hard. But I wouldn't have traded the time we had together for anything. I'm glad you have that with your mom. Worrying about not having her doesn't make the time when she's gone any easier, so my (unasked for) advice is to do your best to set aside those worries and just enjoy every minute you can and let the future take care of itself.
I love the picture you chose to go with this. :-) (((hugs)))
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