A new beginning.

Starts today. Today is the first day of my pre surgery diet. I have to do this for 4 weeks, in 4 weeks from today, I will be going in for my operation. It's kinda scary and exciting all at once. I don't really have a lot to say about it. I'm not dwelling on it too much, just plodding along, really. Anyway, I wanted to mark the start of this life changing journey. Here we go :)

Reflection

When Finn was a baby, I used to sing The Beatles "All My Lovin" to him as a lullaby. Mostly because it started with "close your eyes" and that was my desperate goal! I've told him this over the years, and he smiles and indulges me. Recently, his school began playing Beatles songs as a precursor to the school bell at the start of the day, and at the end of recess and lunch times. He came home one day, a silly smile on his face, telling me that they had played 'close your eyes.' I said to him "lucky I wasn't there, I'd have cried and hugged you and cried myyyy bayyybeeeeee" he looked as appropriately horrified as an 8 year old would at such a thought! I promised I'd not really do that, I'd just want to.

Yesterday, whilst waiting for school assembly, guess what song came over the school speakers? He looked at me, I looked at him, and we both gave one another goofy smiles. I teared up, and was grateful that he was a good distance away to not notice. The urge to run and rock him was quite strong! Instead, I remembered those nights, holding him as a wee small baby to my shoulder, singing softly, and patting him to sleep whilst I looked at the boy he was growing into in front of me, and felt a surge of pride in the smart, kind, and creative child he has become. I'm doing okay.

Oh dear.

What was I thinking??? I just emailed the lecturer I had (and respected enormously) when I did my Masters unit. The creative and exegesis unit? Remember THIS? I emailed her and asked about doing a PhD. What was I thinking? I can't do that!!! I'd have to write a creative piece 80,000 words long. Not to mention an exegesis of 20,000.

Logically, as someone who actually wants to write books for a living some day, I have to kinda tackle this issue of length either way. This would motivate me to do so, right? RIGHT? And it's an opportunity to write on a topic of significance. But, the pressure I'd put myself under would be pretty hardcore. And I'd be committed to 3-6 YEARS of it. Again, WHAT WAS I THINKING? She will likely reply and say no anyway. Maybe. I can always change my mind before I sign on for keeps anyway.

So why am I panicking at having sent that email??? :/

The awesome that is Siri

snort LOL.

Sunshiney day

Excuse my last post tantrum. I feel much better in every way today. The sun has been out and has done some healing work on my soul. My health is tolerable, and will keep improving. I feel as though I am making progress on myself. I am on day 11 of being vegetarian and enjoying it hugely. I just feel better for it. Surgery is in 5 and a half weeks, I am all booked in and ready to go. I have a flat out week ahead then things calm again for a bit. Monday is dance lesson day, Tuesday I have to go the dietician, Wednesday is karate day, Thursday is psychologist day. Friday I can relax! In theory. Or catch up on the weeks housework more likely. Finn also has swimming lessons every day for the next 2 weeks. Intense.

Had a lovely week with RJ, she is at such an intense age at the moment. The "why mama? Why?" phase is in full swing. She loves being a girly girl and wearing pretty dresses and hair clips, yet she was fascinated by the big cherry picker truck that came this week. She is ful of personality and opinion and she is both stubborn and sweet. Cracks me up. Meanwhile, Finn has advanced to juniors class at Karate. no more kids classes for him. He is in with teens. I am afeared. He is excited.


RJ watching the truck up at the power lines.

I got myself the new iPhone 4S this week, it's beautiful. As with an new Apple product, the thing that always strikes me most is the beauty of the product. They really are art. The clarity and crispness of the new camera is amazing. The below is the first picture I took with it. Both kids were keen to be in the first photo for the new phone. ;) Siri is fun too. I like having my own PA to store reminders and such for me. Very cool. The first 24 hours my calls wouldn't work. Telstra blamed Apple, Apple weren't sure. Of course, stock was sold out and there were no replacement phones, but thankfully, all it needed was a new SIM card and all was perfect. Phew! The most exciting feature for me I literally just discovered now. I downloaded a song from iTunes on my laptop earlier, my phone just told me it automatically can access these downloads without syncing now. I have been wanting that feature for so long! SQUEE!!!!

My body is falling apart

I am in a foul mood today. My health has been shite for a year. First it was the never-ending period and it taking weeks and weeks to work out why and correct the pill I was on to fix it. Then it was chest strain, then heart palpitations and using a holter monitor and a bunch of tests to rule out anything serious. Now it's this weird stomach thing. They ruled out gallstones, I had an ultrasound, blood tests and a helicobacter breath test all come back clear. And still I am in pain. Dr says reflux, but its not really easing, so I am going back today to demand a barium meal to rule out ulcer/hiatal hernia. I am supposed to have weight loss surgery in 6 weeks. I am not forking out a fortune if he gets in there and says woah can't operate because of whatever it is. If the barium meal is clear, then it must be reflux or irritation and that's not such a big deal. I am so angry. It shouldn't take so long. I haven't been well in months, and I feel like it's been a year of sadness, ill health and negative emotions. I AM OVER IT.

Evil. For kids.

Where did it come from?? Finn has a toy, I've no idea how it made its way into our house, but each time it surfaces, I think ugly thoughts. I ponder the uproar over "sexy" dolls, violent toys, and controversial products that seem to somehow make it onto the toy market and I think to myself - why are we so worried about these when THIS toy exists? When THIS haunts me? When THIS makes my life a goddamn misery every time it is pulled from the toy box.

And what is this toy? What is this demonic creation causing heartache and such a distressed reaction to me?? Oh, I'll tell you, but I warn you, unless you've seen it in action, you'll likely not fully 'get' how traumatic this thing is. Ready? Here it is.



It has relatives, too. The recorder for one. Who the hell makes and markets these to children? Because I've a bone to pick with you. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????? Certainly, you weren't thinking of the parents. Oh, educational you say. Creative. OR JUST A GODDAMN PAIN IN MY EARS UNRELENTINGLY FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF SCHOOL HOLIDAYS!!!!!!

And why, you ask, haven't I thrown it away? Why is it still here? Because it is evil. Every time I go to find it to ditch it, it hides. HIDES. I don't know where, and I don't know how it still survives, but some day... some day I am going to get my hands on it, and as it whines its last EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I will smile the smile of a satisfied, somewhat insane, harassed mother, and peace will reign. At least until the recorder is found, and blown at full capacity. Sigh.

Ouuuchhh

Am in a lot of pain at the moment. Doctor thinks it might be gallstones. I had an ultrasound but they said it'd take a day or two to get results to the doctor. Im not sure I can wait that long, the pain is out of this world and even with codapane, impossible to relieve. I can't eat, I can't sleep... I may need to take myself off to hospital and hope they operate ASAP :( Not sure what to do.

The power of thought?

How powerful do you think your mind is? I've been thinking about the power of thought lately. From 'The Secret' to a Dan Brown-esque book of fiction I just finished (called The Fourth Awakening), it's becoming an increasingly popular theory.

I dreamt the other night that someone in my dream called my name. I responded by sitting bolt upright in bed, as though it were real, and not in my head.

I've had a sore stomach for a week. Since about the time I decided with certainty to get the surgery. I can eat without any problem, but my upper abdomen is sore and tight. I wonder if it's stress? Or a reaction to anticipatory stress of the op? I'm fairly obsessive in my thinking about the surgery. It makes me wonder what effect my thoughts are having on my body and if it's possibly what's going on. Seems a bit of a nutty theory though.

Another thing I've been thinking about for some months now, is becoming vegan. I've a few vegan friends who've shared amazing recipes, and each seems really well grounded and centered in life in general. Since after the operation, I'll need to change my eating entirely - albeit temporarily - I might use the opportunity to make the change entirely. My greatest concern is alternatives to chocolate. How sad is that?? Since I'll be eating less anyway, it seems timely. Whilst I currently eat animal products, im enjoying them less and less. I need to read up on it some so I can get my head around it in time.

For a year or so now, I have felt like my life is this messy jumble, out of control and chaotic. I can see future me, settled and happy and focused, but I don't know how to get there. I want to slow down and be more aware of every day. I want to be grateful and cherish small things. I want to be centered and calm. I don't know where to start.