Parallel lines

Do you ever feel your life is almost where it should be, but perhaps not quite? I often feel as though I am hovering over a shadow. That shadow is where I ought to be, but I'm not quite aligned.

I get this sense a lot. I think of things like... If I were meditating more, if I were eating vegan more, these are true to my "real" life. So why aren't I doing these things? Well, no good reason. I forget. I get lazy. I tend to wait for life to sort itself out rather than actively making things happen.

I feel mostly chaotic and not quite in control of life. I've mentioned this before. Sometimes I get it right and I feel like my lines all match up to the shadow life. I guess I keep trying. I want to be that authentic me. It takes effort and that doesn't mean it's not natural either.

Rather philosophical tonight, am I not?!

The power of thought?

How powerful do you think your mind is? I've been thinking about the power of thought lately. From 'The Secret' to a Dan Brown-esque book of fiction I just finished (called The Fourth Awakening), it's becoming an increasingly popular theory.

I dreamt the other night that someone in my dream called my name. I responded by sitting bolt upright in bed, as though it were real, and not in my head.

I've had a sore stomach for a week. Since about the time I decided with certainty to get the surgery. I can eat without any problem, but my upper abdomen is sore and tight. I wonder if it's stress? Or a reaction to anticipatory stress of the op? I'm fairly obsessive in my thinking about the surgery. It makes me wonder what effect my thoughts are having on my body and if it's possibly what's going on. Seems a bit of a nutty theory though.

Another thing I've been thinking about for some months now, is becoming vegan. I've a few vegan friends who've shared amazing recipes, and each seems really well grounded and centered in life in general. Since after the operation, I'll need to change my eating entirely - albeit temporarily - I might use the opportunity to make the change entirely. My greatest concern is alternatives to chocolate. How sad is that?? Since I'll be eating less anyway, it seems timely. Whilst I currently eat animal products, im enjoying them less and less. I need to read up on it some so I can get my head around it in time.

For a year or so now, I have felt like my life is this messy jumble, out of control and chaotic. I can see future me, settled and happy and focused, but I don't know how to get there. I want to slow down and be more aware of every day. I want to be grateful and cherish small things. I want to be centered and calm. I don't know where to start.

Emotion

I have no emotional intelligence. If you've not heard of it, Emotional IQ can be measured, and whilst it's been some time since I tested, I ranked poorly then, and little has changed.

I've never been good at measuring and processing my emotions. I feel things so strongly, and it gets hard for me to react to them without allowing the feelings to take over. It can make life difficult at times.

In the past, this tendency to wear my emotions on my sleeve caused me no end of trouble when I was enduring infertility and all the emotions that go with it. I lost some friends because I would lash out when I was hurting. Thankfully, the friends that saw it through with me, knew why I lashed out, and didn't take it personally. They understood me. Those friends are invaluable, lifelong friends.

I'm thinking about this today because I am trying to temper some strong emotions at the moment. I've been hurt, and hurt makes me angry, as well as disappointed and protective. I must refrain from lashing out, I must temper the emotion. What do you do when someone has hurt you, fairly deliberately, and even though there is remorse, forgiveness is hard to find? It hurts, and I don't know where to put it.

Living a dream

Eat, Pray, Love.
Bridges of Madison County.
How Stella got her Groove Back.
Julie and Julia.
Under the Tuscan Sun.

Just a few titles of movies about women having crises later in life. Uprooting their lives and doing something totally out of the norm. Maybe 33 is a little younger than the women in these plot-lines, but this is how I feel. I'm unhappy, restless, and trying to be positive. What I want is a total revamp. I want to live in Italy for a year, and write. I want to learn foreign languages and new skills. I want self discovery and experiences. It's obviously a common theme. I'm not alone, it's a rapidly growing topic in literature and film. Of course, that tends to be for those that take the leap and embrace the risk. I can't quite manage it, yet. Maybe that's why I am slightly below the usual age, I have to wait for the kids to grow up before I leap?

It makes sense that after broken relationships, and time spent on other people - children, family, etc. that women want to find themselves again. That they want to live a dream. What if you don't know what your dream is? How can you work toward it, then?

I can see how these films are successful. How exciting it would be to throw off the traditional, and the expected, and take a leap into something we all want to do, but few of us manage.

And, in the meantime, what do I do to fulfil the empty? To give myself a reason. To be ME. I keep travelling, I keep learning, and I keep striving to ignore that someday, and live in today. I work on what my dream is, I fine tune it, and I find ways to live it. Stubborn. Determined. I am rambling today. I'm not in a good state of mind. I am not happy, and I am not positive. Mostly, I feel lost. I guess my thoughts are too.

Do gentlemen still exist?

I was thinking about this when I wrote the palooza post. Something I vaguely recall through my drunken haze, was that at the end of the night when we decided to leave, the group of guys we had chatted to that night, were leaving as well. When the cab pulled up, they bolted into it, and left us to wait for another.

I'm not saying we deserved the cab more - but we had been waiting longer - and surely the gentlemanly thing to do, would be to let the 2 drunken girls with sore feet take the first cab??

I don't know. I am all for equality, but being gentleman is attractive. Is it the increase in feminism and independent women? Are gentleman a dying breed? What do you think?

Adult High School

I was thinking the other day, that sometimes I see the patterns of high school repeat in adult life. In high school, for a while, I hung out with the in crowd. They would bitch about one another behind their back, so I knew I would be copping my fair share as well, but I figured there was not really anyone else to sit with, so I stayed.

In my last year of high school, I made some new friends. They were not the in crowd, but they were cooler than them anyway (they just felt no need to shout it from rooftops...) And they were my kinda people. The in crowd would either rubbish or ignore them, but I wished I had found them earlier than 17.

As an adult, I have discovered a similar thing. A vocal majority may disparage someone for various reasons... maybe they whine a lot. Maybe they are religious, or do not engage in certain memes or behaviours that their values do not align with... But often, these people are "my people." Often, I find that the friendships offered are stronger, more genuine, longer lasting, and less fair weather, than those with a louder voice. "Choose your friends wisely" - indeed.

I think sometimes we get so caught up in fitting in, even as adults, in saying the right things. Being witty, being clever. Sometimes - especially in the online world - I find it hard to distinguish the real people from the personas they create. Larger than life characters, but not 'real' people. If you put the real you out there, though, and you're accepted and loved - no feeling in the world beats that. 1 true friend over 100 people adoring someone that isn't really me... No contest.

Just something to consider over the weekend. Enjoy it :)