Monday, December 19, 2011

Something weirds going on inside me. When my friends say kind or gentle things, I cry. I think it is because I want to believe them, but struggle to. I wish I saw myself the way that they do, and I don't. It makes me sad. When they say these things, its like it hits a nerve or a weak spot and I cry. I want to be the me they see but I can't believe I am.

I've had a rough week. I'm struggling a bit post op, and my heart has hurt. I guess my core feels rattled. I've worked really hard this year, in fact, the last 2 or so years, at trying to improve who I am, at trying to find happiness and contentment and to feel better about who I am. It feels like I am getting nowhere. I don't think that's entirely true. I can see changes, but essentially, I am still a terrified, insecure, frightened person. Sometimes, I upset myself with the actions I take. I wish I were braver, had more dignity and self pride, and were strong enough to say 'enough' when it is enough. Rather than feel so scared and so alone that I grasp onto things that are not always right for me.

I'm rambling. I'm just feeling really sad, and I'm forcing myself through each day at the moment, waiting to feel well, waiting to find love, waiting to like me. I'll keep trying to focus on right now, rather than waiting. I guess it takes practice.


Lib said...

Kell, honestly its natural to have post op blues. Happens to majority of people. Most people don't have massive heart hits like you have, be gentle on yourself. you have had a massive upheaval.

Diane said...

Remember you are a beautiful person inside. Oh how I felt like you after YEARS of emotional abuse (yes, we are still married but with a VASTLY different marriage since 2005). I got therapy. I stopped for a bit. Then I got more intense therapy. And, hubs & I did marital. Of course, his going to rehab helped curb the emotional abuse. Yes, I still have times I question myself. But, I am sooooo much better now (meds, too). I hope you have someone to talk to. I really needed more help as and after I lost a lot of weight. I still felt big with all those issues around me. Your awesome kids tell you. You need to feel it!!

ElleWatts said...

You've just been through hell. A kind word is an invitation to a safe place for exactly what you need: a good cry.

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