Courage & Confidence

So, how does one get them? I would really like to know, is there a formula I can follow? There must be. I need this stuff.

Do you know how many courses I have agreed to, often paid for, and then not gone because of shyness? A lot. Likewise parties and social engagements and things of that nature. Because I am so freaking shy that it is painful. People sometimes laugh when I tell them I am shy. They don't believe me. Thing is, if I know you, then I am not at all shy! I am comfortable and loud and secure. But getting there takes enormous courage and it often fails me.

I was just invited to a friends birthday party next month. It's at a funky bar in Melbourne, and it sounds like a lot of fun. I'd love to go, I really would. But already I feel nervous and scared of not knowing people aside from the birthday girl who will be busy, of not knowing the bar or where I am going, of what to wear, of how to act... Already I feel fear. I don't want to back out of these situations all the time. I need to challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone more often. What am I scared of?? :(

How on earth do I even begin to work on this? I want to be more social, I want to meet new people and have new experiences. I just don't know how. I don't know that I can. Help?

Closing the door on negativity

Written 12 January 2007

Okay, so, the last 12 months I spent grieving my infertility, and inability to give my son a sibling. Lots of anger, lots of bitterness, lots of pain. Almost exactly 12 months after deciding to stop treatment, something just changed in my head.

I don't know what it was, nothing I can pinpoint, but suddenly I just knew that it was done. It wont ever be a clean break, I am sure I will always have moments - I will always be infertile. But I feel positive. I feel excited, and I feel hopeful, and those feelings feel like strangers almost!

I was able to grieve and be accepted in that grief, even though it was not a conventional loss, and I think that is what enabled me to find this peace. I am excited about the opportunities we will provide our son with, and I am excited about the things that are in my life right now.

I feel like I have to let go of the negative to make room for the positives that I know will come. I can feel them waiting, and so I feel like I am closing the door on it all. Its a bit scary, it has sort of defined who I am for so long. I feel like I am closing the door on the girls I still support with their infertility stuff too, but I am not. I just need to take a step back, and get some balance.

I feel like I am on the verge of big happiness, and I can choose to stay where its comfortable, in what I know, in whats familiar, even though mostly negative in its very nature. Or I can step off the cliff and find out what might catch me.

I think I am ready to jump.