Fat chicks

Friday, September 23, 2011

I've never really talked about weight before. Funny, because it is a huge (pardon the pun) part of my life. I'm a fat chick. It's been that way since puberty, and even before then, I was always larger. Larger I can handle, but where I am now causes me so much sadness. I put a lot of value (or lack thereof) on myself as a person by appearance. It's not resulting in a good esteem at all, but I can't change my thinking. PCOS makes weight loss more difficult, and I have been seriously considering surgery. The past week or so, I have decided that I will go ahead with surgery. I took out health insurance today, there is a 12 month wait, which is kinda frustrating, but I'll use that time to do as much work myself as I can. I know that weight loss surgery is controversial. You know what though? The bottom line is I need help. I've tried for 20 years to lose weight on my own. 20 long, hate filled, failure filled, years. And I want to be around to see my children grow up. I want to be able to move freely and confidently. I want to be able to glance in the mirror and not feel depressed that the person I love on the inside, is not reflected on my outside. It's a terrifying prospect to consider surgery. It's not the easy out, it's scary, it's major, and it will have side effects and repercussions to manage. They cannot be worse than what faces me in the years ahead if I don't do something about this. I need help. Admitting that - publicly - is a big deal.

See this dress? I want to wear a dress like this. Whilst I will never be as thin as this model, I would still fit into that dress. I want to walk into a "normal" store (not a fat chicks store!) and be able to buy something off the rack. I can't even fathom what that is like. :( I've never known it. Ever. I'm scared that even after this, I won't. Maybe I never will. I have to try. For my children, my family, and most importantly, for myself. I need to do all I can. 12 months is going to be a long wait.


B said...

PCOS is a bitch, I hate it, it has ruined my body and my self esteem, I feel like a total failure as a woman.

There's a woman in Sydney who specialises in helping women with PCOS, do a search for Power Over PCOS and you'll find her website.

Do whatever you need to do Kell, for yourself and for your kids.

April said...

It's a big step Kell, and I won't lie, it isn't as easy as it seems. But the difference it makes to your life, to your sense of self, is amazing.

12 months will go by incredibly quickly, I did the same as you, took out insurance and then waited. And it went quickly enough, between the few different appointments I had to attend beforehand, and the 435,569 times I changed my mind. Even though my journey went south, it was well worth it. I don't regret it for a minute.


Cat Bensein said...

Your courage is always so admirable. <3

Diane said...

Part of the 12 month wait is for therapy on how you will eat and how you will feel post weight loss. I lost nearly 80 pounds back in 2004 while the hubs was deployed. He literally came home to someone half the size he left. My biggest problem was my space. I was much smaller, but still felt I took up all this space. I was glad I had counseling throughout my weightloss journey, specifically targeted to nutrition and weight loss. Now, I did not do surgery and have managed to keep it off. But, the weight loss journey is still the same. I highly recommend this for you, especially for nutrition and spatial purposes. Good luck Kel! I will be rooting for you. Surgery is for those who have exhausted all other options and I am glad it is available.

My Mummy Daze said...

You're very brave talking about this publicly. I empathisise that you open yourself to judgement and criticism. It's a vulnerable place to be.

I think you're doing a really wise thing and you're in a head space that's really encouraging. I hope the fear of failure doesn't get in the way of what you could accomplish if you reach your goal.

I hope you get to wear your dress :)

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