This weekend, 12 months ago, I discovered my Mum had breast cancer.
Tonight, I seem to be falling apart. Always surprises me. I ought to know better, grief has no rules, huh? All it takes is one little thing, can be totally unrelated, and the head is yanked from the sand and off it goes.
All these memories are swirling around my head and I can't seem to stop crying.
I remember her saying "I've got breast cancer" and my world felt as though it had shifted right off it's axis. My head literally spun and I felt like I was dreaming, life didn't feel real. I remember gulping to stop myself sobbing. I remember the look on my Dad's face. The fear. The sad. The fact that he could hardly speak. His voice cracked.
I remember 2 weeks later, her telling me how scared she was. Her tears. For the first time to me, she looked old and tired. And so vulnerable.
Getting drunk and high with my sister to escape.
Reading about the precautions post chemo, the extent that was needed to keep her and anyone else safe from the poison. Scared.
Her screaming when she set the kitchen on fire. The realisation at that moment that things were very wrong. She was not Mum as I knew her.
Her head in a turban. Bald.
Watching the chemo mix - bright red - travel up the line into her arm and wanting to rip it out, yet being so fucking grateful it was there.
Crying so much, needing mild sedation.
Feeling grateful that her odds were so good.
The relief at the end of her treatment cycle.
So much fear.
Thank god it is over. Thank god she was so lucky and caught it early. My heart aches for those who are not as lucky.
My heart hurts tonight. I need vodka.
Australia Day
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I realise this entry is several days too late, but some bastard spiked my drink with HEAPS of vodka, then force fed me beer until I was completely shitfaced on Australia Day.
So belatedly, what does it mean to you? I asked my 6yo this question, what does he like about being Australian - he pondered the question, then responded: "you know what I don't like?" "What?" "That we don't have Halloween or jackalantas in Australia." (Seriously, 3 months on, we still have not let that go?!) But when pressed for what he does like, he said "that we have lots of food and things here." He is often thinking of our sponsor child, Zainabu, who lives in Uganda, in these things.
It raises much debate, Australia Day. Predominantly, do we want a republic? Do we want a new flag? Do we need a new anthem? What is our national dish? Do we even HAVE a clear identity?
We're a relatively new country, we're still finding out identity, in my opinion. I am undecided on a republic, but I lean toward it. I like our flag, though. Who cares if it has the Union Jack - regardless of whether we ever become a republic, Britain will always be an enormous part of our history, so big deal. That flag has meant so much to so many throughout history, I don't like the idea of changing it. But does it reflect enough of our history? What about BEFORE the white people landed and took over? Related: Australia Day is a bit strange... celebrating the day we started hunting Aboriginals like animals is not cause for celebration. I like the idea of celebrating it the day before. The day before it all changed.
And YES we need a new anthem. Seriously... girt by sea? Who uses the word girt, like ever?! And strains ought not be joyful. Not a fan of that song at all. And don't be replacing it with Waltzing Matilda which makes Aussies seem like thieving convict bastards one and all. Use a shortened version of the 'I am, You are, We are Australia' song. That's much better.
So, what is our national dish? I voted a bbq'd sausage in bread... roast lamb would be up there... prawns... The good old lamington... Actually, I think it's the boring but certainly instantly identifiable as Australian Vegemite sambo, isn't it!? With a glass of Milo. And a tim tam. That's Aussie food! (tried to write tucker or grub there, couldn't do it).
I love being an Aussie, and to me, Australia Day usually means a BBQ, some drinks, Triple J's Hottest 100, and friends. And being grateful that I live in such a beautiful and free country. What are your thoughts?
