There once was a girl faced with an enormous challenge. A mountain of bricks and rubble stood in the road and there was no way to get around them. No alternate routes. She had to make her way through.
First she had to decide if getting to the other side was worth it. Couldn't she just stay this side perhaps? But she knew on the other side was a beautiful oasis and she wanted that peace and fulfilment.
So she started to move the rubble. Brick by brick. Her hands cut and she tired often. She'd rest a little then get back to work. Sometimes she'd move the wrong brick and cause an avalanche of rubble making her cry out in frustration but still she persisted.
Sometimes people would happen upon her. Some would give her a wide berth, thinking her a bit odd for bothering. Others would offer to help but get sick of it fast and leave her to it. Some would observe and offer suggestions or give her tools to help her in her task. None worked by her side with her. She did it for herself.
At the half way point she threw down a brick in disgust. She had made amazing progress but she still had so far to go. Moving that first brick had been a huge deal. Believing she could do it. But she doubted now that she could finish the task. She'd learned a lot about how to shift things, where to put them and how to make it easier on herself. But could she really be bothered to keep going? Maybe she should be happy with this achievement alone. Maybe this was as much as she deserved. The oasis was for special people. Was she special? Could she even do it? Or should she just quit while she was ahead? Maybe this was as much as she could hope for, and getting through just was not something she was capable of?
Or did she indulge that little voice deep inside that whispered to keep going, that believed she could and would do it. And moreso, that she deserved it. How could she ignore what told her the opposite? Maybe for lack of any other real decision she would keep going, just to see how far she could get. Just to make sure she had pushed herself as far as she truly was capable. Just to see...
I am not who I was, any longer.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
The last 5 years I have been through the sort of changes most people might go through over a decade or more. It has been seriously intense and as it dawns on me just how much I have changed, I feel this weird mixture of excitement and fear.
5 years ago I was about to fall pregnant with my second child, I weighed a LOT, I was married (albeit unhappily), and Mum was beginning her cancer battle. Now I am 40 kilograms lighter, my second child is off to kinder, I am separated, Mum is well, and I am a vegan. We could be two different people. For 10 years I have been a full time mum, and letting that go and knowing this is it, is a scary feeling. What do I do with myself now??? Sure they still need me and will for a time yet, but it's not the same, independence has begun. I am the most alone I have ever been. In lots of ways. Friends are heading in different directions with pregnancies, babies, houses... I am sort of out here in the wilderness.
I see this as an exciting time, but it is unsettling and nerve wracking as well. There is a part of me that has a desperate urge to disappear for a bit. All these changes, the failed dating, the confused mind, the emotional weight of my babe heading out into the world - it's exhausted me. I have this need to shut down, switch off and hide in my cave for a while. Of course practically that's pretty much impossible.
What I have done, is book myself a night away. Just one night, but at least it's something. Some space, some time out. As an introvert, I recharge by being alone. I am never really alone for long, though I guess with real kinder hours beginning next week I will get some time. Everything feels chaotic, like a whirl of thoughts I can't quite grasp, unsettled and unstable. It's intense. I don't quite know how to handle it.
End ramble.
