Your honest self and the honest friend.

Have been thinking so much about honesty lately. How many of us truly live honestly with ourselves? Do we live in denial, avoiding looking at the truth for fear of what it might mean if we do? It may mean making changes in our lives we don't want to make or are scared to make. Taking risks we don't want to take. Admitting things we don't really want to admit. I lived that way for many years. It was easier, to a degree. Living honestly has been a change I made consciously, and it's more of a challenge than I expected. It's cost me friends. It's cost me relationships. Lovers.

But you know what, the reward you get, the deeper reward of how you feel inside is soooo worth it. I can sleep at night, knowing that I am not kidding myself, that the decisions I have made are right for me, and that I am being authentic and true to who I really am. It's worth more than you can imagine.

Sometimes, my honesty offends. I've lost a few friends, who I have confronted over issues out of concern for them - often bluntly... But they've balked at it, and disappeared from my life. At first, I blamed myself. It upset me a lot that they really couldn't see I asked things because I cared for them. Wasn't it obvious that if I didn't give a shit, I wouldn't say anything?! Apparently not. This article by Julie at Beautiful You really helped my awareness begin to emerge. Not everyone will like you, but it doesn't mean you're worth any less. We're all different, we can't gel with everyone!

I beat myself up when I would email or contact them trying to fix the friendship only for it to be ignored. It hurt. A lot. Then I noticed something... These people were negative. They fuelled my own negativity and it's liberating not to see or hear their negative stuff anymore! Now I only need rid myself of my own negative! It was a nice revelation for me to see that this was a good thing. These losses were actually positive for my life. Wow!

I also surround myself with likewise honest people. Honest friends. Not only with themselves, but with me. Sometimes I make a decision and they don't simply say "well done!" like I might want them to. Sometimes they will challenge me on it. Question me, dig to see if I have made the decision honestly, check to see I've not avoided some things - throw those at me to make sure I am not wearing rose coloured glasses. I love this. I need this. It's so valuable to me - and maybe that's why I do it to others, forgetting not every person will appreciate it the way I do.

Why do you think denial is the preferred way of living for so many? It can't be a happy existence. Not truly. I face my flaws and faults and I work on them. Not always successfully, but I'm aware of them, and I force myself to keep at it, and keep checking for authenticity in every day. It's a start.