natsukashii

For you

2012-02-28T13:10:00.000+11:00

http://youtu.be/NPcyTyilmYY

"You Oughta Know"

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

'cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

'cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

'cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

Well, I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Sorry

2012-02-25T10:32:00.002+11:00

Edenland started a powerful blog link this week. I've found myself really overwhelmed by the emotion in these posts. They're filled with pain and heart, and they are amazing to read. I wanted to join. I've felt overwhelmed by it. I'll try. I expect to need a box of tissues by the time I finish. :/

I'm sorry I was never enough to make you proud. I'm sorry that my best efforts failed. I'm sorry that I have disappointed you and let you down, over and over. I'm sorry that I have not been someone you can love, totally.

I'm sorry I am not social enough. I'm sorry this effects you. I'm sorry you are not confident and that no matter how I try, I can't make you see the awesome you are. I'm sorry you feel things so deeply and experience the same anxiety I always have. I'm sorry I don't hug you more.

I'm sorry I didn't wait longer. Give more. I'm sorry I didn't love less conditionally. I'm sorry I let go. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm sorry you can't see what I see when I look at you. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you, or take away your fears. I tried so hard. I wanted to, so much. I'm so sorry we failed. I'm sorry I don't have courage. I'm sorry I am so insecure. I'm sorry I'm not prettier, thinner, smarter. I'm so, so, sorry I hurt you.

Destructive relationships

2012-02-23T09:56:00.001+11:00

Have you ever been in a destructive relationship? Maybe with a friend, a parent, or a partner? I'd like to hear from you if you have.

For the past 2 years, I've been in an on again off again 'thing' with a guy in America. Many of you will know this. He's not abusive, yet he has a power to manipulate and hurt me, more than anything. Somehow, he has access to the most vulnerable parts of me, and when he hurts me, it's devastating and I feel so incredibly low, and broken. I need to cut him off, and let go for good, but it hurts so terribly.

Realistically, he'll never change. Never get here. Never make me worth the effort. I've spent so much time, far too much money, and so much heart on him - and his children. It's tough to lose the friendship, too. He was often my go-to for everything. That he has hurt me so badly, again... I have to stop this. I can't keep on in this cycle. He is not good for me. I cut him off social networks, changed my email, deleted his number. Ugh. Grief. My 3yo asks about him, adores him. He ditched her, too :(

It's scary. I'm a mess. It'll get better... right?

Why I despise The Biggest Loser

2012-02-13T14:00:00.002+11:00

''I can't watch these shows because I find them offensive, ghoulish, cruel and demeaning''

Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/fats-entertainment-and-were-the-biggest-loser-20120211-1sy4z.html#ixzz1mE1ZB7p9

I wanted to share an article today, that has left me really thinking. I agree with the writer completely. I don't find it entertaining. Maybe if I were thin and had been all my life, and had no identification with it, I might feel differently. But having lived this life, having felt desperate enough to do something major about it, I get this. It makes me sad. I've not looked at the emotions in my weight and weight loss stuff yet. I'm almost 25kg down and it's noticeable, but I haven't examined how it makes me feel, really.

I'm guessing the contestants on shows like The Biggest Loser are desperate too. To go on TV and literally bear all like that... I couldn't have done it. Before I ever heard of surgery, I'm not sure there were many more options - I applied to one of the early seasons. I was hope-less. I didn't want to go on the show but I wanted to stop the spiral of bad health I was falling into. Surgery is not an easy option either. It's far harder than I anticipated, but I had to do something urgently. I would have died far earlier than I am likely to now. I would have had less chance of seeing any grandchildren. I was beginning to experience some serious health issues as it was, and it would only get worse as my weight increased every single year.

It makes my heart hurt to think of what we do to these people in the name of entertainment. It's not entertainment to fuck with peoples pain. And weight you are not comfortable with, is pain. It's not funny to taunt and tease them with bad foods. It's not fun to watch them struggle about in mud, pain on their faces, wobbly skin falling about. It's horrible.

If I stop now, and look at my emotions, this makes me feel sick and it makes me feel really, really, sad. My weight was/is something that I despise about myself. It made me absolutely drip with self hatred. And hatred is a very strong and powerful word. It made me think I deserved to keep eating until I slowly killed myself. That's awful. That's really, really, awful. What a horrible way to feel about yourself. I'm not even a bad person! Making the decision to have serious, irreversible surgery on my stomach was hard and scary. Not being able to eat how I used to is taking a lot of getting used to, and has resulted in some painful mistakes. But I know that, unlike those contestants, I can't ever gain it back. And I've been able to maintain some dignity in losing it. I now look at myself in the mirror, and rather than hatred, I see hope. Rather than repulsion, I see a me I like. I feel like my outside is starting to match my inside. I like me. And that is an enormous emotional leap.

I have friends that watch the show, and I don't want anyone to think I think less of them for doing so. I don't at all. I'm only telling it from my perspective, from someone who was morbidly obese. Who could qualify for that show in an instant. I'm not a bit overweight. I was not a heavy girl. I was huge. With 25kg gone, I could still get on the show. I've a long way to go, but it's hard enough doing it with supportive friends and family around. Exposing myself to the judgement of a nation, wearing unflattering clothes on animal scales and throwing dignity away with it... I might as well give up any hope of being able to respect myself now were that my future.

And maybe that's what's key here.

Final week - Jan Photo A Day Challenge

2012-01-31T07:26:00.004+11:00

Here are the last of my photos from FatMumSlim's January Photo A Day Challenge. Telle has also developed a list for February that I think I will take up, since it's the only source of blog inspiration I have lately. :/ Week 1's photos are here, 2 is here and 3 is here.

Day 22 - Your Shoes

Day 23 - Something Old. This was a ring of Mums, too tiny for my fingers!

Day 24 - Guilty Pleasure. My favorite soap drama, Neighbours. Love it. The only TV I watch, really!

Day 25 - Something You Made. I was creative here, since I don't really make stuff...

Day 26 - Colour. OPI Purple With A Purpose.

Day 27 - Lunch.

Day 28 - Light.

Day 29 - Inside Your Fridge. Note the controversial vegemite.

Day 30 - Nature. My strawberry plant in the rain.

Day 31 - You... Again.

Hectic chaos is great!

2012-01-25T09:52:00.001+11:00

Life is busy, and I am loving that. For too long I have watched life go by but from the sidelines. I think it might be an energy level thing, but now I am really getting out there.

I've been on dates, I've been taking the kids places, I've organised Italian lessons and dog training for my new pup (due to arrive Feb 23). I have lego kits, art kits and books piled up to read. I am writing again. I am exercising more and feeling great.

I can't fit a gym time or exercise time in easily, because I have the kids until late and from early. I can use the rowing machine, but it stirs my sore shoulder so I am trying to walk more. It's a good one for my hips and tummy anyway, so I need to fit that in more. perhaps late evening I can swing it more.

So anyway, life is crazy busy, school goes back next week so that might help a routine settle but I am enjoying the chaos. Life is short! Live it!

Week 3 - January Photo A Day Challenge

2012-01-21T19:39:00.000+11:00

This weeks pictures from this weeks Photo A Day Challenge from Telle at Fat Mum Slim. Having a lot of fun with it, week ones are here and week twos are here.

Day 15 - Happiness. This would make anyone happy!

Day 16 - Morning. My alarm clock... ;)

Day 17 - Water. The car wash!

Day 18 - Something You Bought. Check the size! :D

Day 19 - Sweet. Mmm Max Brenners.

Day 20 - Someone You Love. My BFF, Megan.

Day 21 - Reflection.

Jan & Feb resolutions

2012-01-15T12:04:00.000+11:00

Remember here and here I talked about my resolutions for each month and what I wanted to aim for? So far, so good.

For January, I took a weekend away for the kids, and had a blast. We went to the movies, swimming, a magic show and lots of shopping. Was such a nice time! We went to the cinema again later that week, and Finn starts movie school for a week this week. I would say that is a big fat ACHIEVED for that item.

I also wanted to keep a gratitude journal, and every night I enter about 5 sentences per day about what happened that day that made me happy or challenged me or that made me feel good. It's such a good way to be in the moment and appreciate the smaller things and I truly believe that is the secret to happiness.

Next month I start my Italian lessons for 6 weeks. I am so looking forward to it - not just for the beautiful language and the thrill of learning, but also because it means I get to be in the city which I love, and one of besties that lives in the city and I are going to catch up for lunch as often as we can manage. I don't see as much of her as I want to, so I am so excited about that part of it as well.

I also organised tackled something else on my secondary list for February as intended. I bought some art kits. I want to learn to paint, so I got an acrylics set and a charcoal drawing set on the way. I have zero artistic talent. Minus talent, even. But I think I'll enjoy it even if it looks crap. So, that excites me as well.

I've challenged myself personally this month as well, in terms of relationships, and it has been difficult, but true to myself and that's only ever a good thing. Add to this the 19kg of weight I have lost and the nose ring I have gained and I feel excited about the person I am becoming.

2012 feels good. I am finding myself fast and it's incredibly exciting.

Week 2 - January Photo A Day Challenge

2012-01-14T07:07:00.000+11:00

This weeks pictures from this weeks Photo A Day Challenge from Telle at Fat Mum Slim. Having a lot of fun with it, week ones are here.

Day 8 - Your Sky. I love how hazy and pretty it looks.

Day 9 - Daily Routine. My favorite part of the day. Kids in bed, and I am in bed reading with a drink and some music, maybe candles... Bliss. Relax time! The most important part of my daily routine.

Day 10 - Childhood. I loved this books as a kid, its an original version - before they went PC and changed Dick and Fanny's names. Gah!!! My kids love it too!

Day 11 - Where You Sleep. I love my room. It's my haven.

Day 12 - Close-Up. My loveable ratbag.

Day 13 - In Your Bag. My new Mimco button love bag! Wallet, notebook, pens, wipes for dirty faces, and cards.

Day 14 - Something You're Reading. The Man Who Broke Into Auschwitz by Denis Avey.

Poetry

2012-01-13T18:16:00.001+11:00

It's been a while since I wrote a poem. It must be near time again. Here's one from a while back, I still love it. Is that vain to say?

‘Walk with me and let the sorrows fall from your arms to mine’, you say. Rest in easy silence.

The shadows lengthen, another weary day passes, the urge to lie sleeping consumes. Rest your weary head by mine, tell me of your dreams, your warm breath tickling my ear. Let our minds and hearts curl together imitating our bodies. Fit together, a human puzzle.

How do our souls dance in the shadows of our sadness?

Invisibly bound. One perfect night. Love me in clenched tones, and hold me closer. When your eyes look up to blistering stars, forever seems too close.

Too soon, dawn bleeds and the stars once shining for us, all disappear. Catch the feeling, lest it fade too. There may be divide but your wants are mine and even love can grow in the dark.

Guide me home, the frantic pace slows, the chaos and noise of life fades, and all that is left,

is you.

Dymocks Booklovers 101 best books

2012-01-09T08:16:00.003+11:00

I was shopping at Dymocks yesterday and saw this stand. I liked a lot of the titles I saw, and decided that may indicate I might like the rest, so I set myself a challenge to work my way through the entire list. There are a few anomalies, of course, and I am sure I won't love them all, but the ones I have read, I've mostly enjoyed, so I am using that as an indicator. I believe Dymocks are compiling another list of the same at the moment.

In no particular order the 2011 list is as follows. I have highlighted the ones I have read in red.

1. The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas by John Boyne
2. Across the Nightingale Floor by Lian Hearn
3. Fahrenheit 451 by Bradbury Ray
4. Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Salinger
5. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
6. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
7. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
8. The Happiest Refugee by Ahn Do
9. Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom
10. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
11. On The Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta
12. Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
13. The Shadow Of The Wind by Zafon Carlos
14. The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins
15. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safron Foer
16. The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
17. Slaughterhouse 5 by Kurt Vonnegut
18. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
19. The Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer
20. The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer
21. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
22. Breath by Tim Winton
23. Life of Pi by Martel Yann
24. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
25. The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan
26. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
27. Magician by Raymond E Feist
28. Spare Room by Helen Garner
29. Persuasion by Jane Austen
30. The Millennuim Trilogy by Stieg Larsson
31. Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling
32. Emma by Jane Austen
33. Fall of Giants by Ken Follett
34. My Sisters Keeper by Jodi Picoult
35. Middlemarch by Eliot George
36. The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks
37. Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke
38. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
39. Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery
40. Cross Stitch by Diana Gabaldon
41. The Power Of One by Bryce Courtenay
42. The Elegance Of The Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery
43. Wolf Hall by Mantel Hilary
44. Tomorrow When The War Began series by John Marsden
45. Mists of Avalon by Bradley Marion
46. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
47. Graceling by Kristin Cashore
48. The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde
49. Ice Station by Matthew Reilly
50. Lord of The Flies by William Golding
51. The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams
52. Seven Ancient Wonders by Matthew Reilly
53. Lord Of The Rings series by J.R.R. Tolkien
54. The Bronze Horseman by Paullina SImons
55. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
56. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
57. The Broken Shore by Peter Temple
58. The Bible
59. Small Island by Andrea Levy
60. We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver
61. Eucalyptus by Murray Bail
62. Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts
63. Marley and Me by John Grogan
64. Atonement by Ian McEwan
65. Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates
66. People Of The Book by Geraldine Brooks
67. Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
68. The Kingkiller Chronicles by Patrick Rothfuss
69. Ransom by David Malouf
70. The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas
71. Still Alice by Lisa Genova
72. Dracula by Bram Stoker
73. Cloudstreet by Tim Winton
74. The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
75. Mr Rosenblum's List by Natasha Solomons
76. Tully by Paullina Simons
77. The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton
78. The Secret River by Kate Grenville
79. The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova
80. Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
81. Jasper Jones by Craig Silvey
82. The Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean M Auel
83. Host by Stephenie Meyer
84. Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky
85. The Help by Kathryn Stockett
86. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
87. The Road by Cormac McCarthy
88. A Fortunate Life by A.B.Facey
89. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
90. Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell
91. Almost French by Sarah Turnbull
92. Freedom by Jonathan Franzen
93. Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell
94. The Obernewtyn Chronicles by Isobelle Carmody
95. Maos Last Dancer by Li Cunxin
96. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
97. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
98. Possession by A.S. Byatt
99. The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory
100. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
101. Room by Emma Donoghue

The blue is the book I am currently reading. Some thoughts on some I have read - some of my all time faves are in there, The Power Of One is my favorite book ever. Has been since I first read it at 15. I have re read the Tomorrow series by Marsden at least 7 times and it never loses its ability to engage, The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas made me 'feel' like no other book has. It caused terror and panic, it was brilliant. The Twilight series is terribly written and I was distressed to see another Meyer book on the list for me to tackle. I don't do fantasy, I am in trouble with this list. Prove me wrong, books, prove me wrong. Still Alice is another fantastic book.

There are some books on the list I have been meaning to get to for a while, and I am really looking forward to reading them, such as The Slap, Almost French, Marley & Me, The Help, and the one I am reading now - We Need To Talk About Kevin. Some are classics I should have read but haven't, and I think they are one of those 'everyone should read in their lifetime' things, like Nineteen Eighty-Four, A Fortunate Life, War and Peace, Lord of The Rings etc. And no, watching the movies doesn't count!

I dread Shantaram. Have you seen the size of that tome?! Looking forward to adding some of these to my favorite books. Now if you'll excuse me, I've a book to bury myself in.

Week 1 - January Photo A Day Challenge

2012-01-08T18:14:00.002+11:00

Here are my pictures from this weeks Photo A Day Challenge from Telle at Fat Mum Slim. I love her creative prompts, it's so much fun each day thinking about the prompt and what I might do with it. Love! Enjoy week 1!

Day 1 - You. My favorite feature.

Day 2 - Breakfast. I love that the coffee is bigger than the porridge!

Day 3 - Something You Adore. The relationship between my children. Beautiful.

Day 4 - Letterbox.

Day 5 - Something You Wore. I got this bracelet from Tiffany & Co when I was in New York last May. It is full of memories and makes me feel wistfully happy.

Day 6 - Makes You Smile. This makes me giggle, I'm not sure whether it's all the exciting parcels he brings me or the cute guy himself, but parcel man makes me smile!!!

Day 7 - Favourite. I love hotels. I love getting away. I love travel. This was a mini break we took to Melbourne for the weekend. Going places is my favourite way to spend money!!

Some day...

2012-01-06T18:42:00.001+11:00

Some day, this is what I will have. I adore this song. I want someone to feel this way about me!

Sinatra, Bennett, Bublé... all sing it so perfectly. Le Sigh...

Someday,
When I'm awfully low
And the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.
Oh but you're lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheek so soft.
There is nothing for me but to love you
Just the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart.
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
Touches my foolish heart.

Lovely,
Never, never change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it, 'cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight--
Just the way you look tonight.

This months resolutions

2012-01-03T16:58:00.001+11:00

Following on from my last post, I've implemented some things for this month. I am writing every night in my gratitude/happiness journal. It's great because it makes me stop and enjoy the little things and the smaller moments. That is where I find my happiness.

I also made some plans for the wee ones. We have tickets to a magic show, and we are going to spend a night in the city and have some adventures. Maybe the city circle tram, maybe vic market, maybe the aquarium. Not sure. Anyone have good ideas for kids and Melbourne town?

I am also having a ball with Fat Mum Slim's photo a day challenge. It's only page 3 of 366 in chapter 2012, but I am enjoying it. Look for my post on the weekend with all of my photos from this week.

Resolutions and Getting a life.

2011-12-30T07:33:00.000+11:00

I've been thinking lately, that my life seems sort of empty. That sounds awful. I don't mean empty exactly, just... quiet? I rely on other people too much and I need to find things to fulfil myself. I need to fill life with hobbies and interests, I think. It's scary. I'm not sure I have the confidence to do it. I found this great blog with a good tip on how to start. Here it is -

List 20 activities that you have enjoyed over the last ten years. For example, going to the seaside, having friends over for dinner, walking in the country.
List 10 activities that you do not do, but think you would like to pursue.

Make yourself a promise now to do one activity from each list in the next month. Write down what you will have to do to fit in these two new activities.
Developing new interests requires a positive approach. Even if things do not work out, you need to be able to tell yourself, “It’s not a failure because I’ve learned something”.

Research has shown that if we have no hobbies or interests to absorb and challenge us, we tend to get stressed, depressed, discouraged, and bored. If we are not careful, a vicious circle can develop in which the less we do, the more miserable we feel, and as we become more unhappy we are less willing to take risks and take up new activities.

1. Taking the kids out
2. Seeing musicals
3. Learning a language
4. Seeing friends
5. Writing
6. Holidays close to home
7. Travel overseas
8. Nights out with friends
9. Cooking
10. Movies
11. Study
12. Self awareness and improvement
13. Working
14. Beauty therapies (mani, pedi, massage)
15. Gaming
16. Shopping
17. Live music
18. Bushwalking
19. Lego
20. Reading

1. Painting
2. Acting
3. Horseriding
4. Boxing gym
5. Darkroom photography
6. Gratitude journal
7. Dog training
8. Meditation workshop
9. Book club
10. Vegetable garden

For January I am going to start a gratitude journal, all that requires is 5 minutes each evening before bed, and I already have this great journal for the purpose. From my other list, I am going to take the kids out. It's school holidays, they will be going insane and so will I. We went to the zoo not long ago, and scienceworks as well, so I think I need to find something new for them. Perhaps Werribee Zoo.

For February I will be starting my Italian lessons, and from list B, I'm going to pursue growing vegetables myself. Tomatoes, cucumbers... Yum. Here goes nothing... :)

Me

2011-12-29T11:56:00.000+11:00

So, I've mentioned before how awesome my friends are, I know. Last night I was feeling left behind. I feel like all my friends have normal lives and are off leading them and I am just... drifting. I was cranky that a friend had plans and couldn't make a movie with me. I spoke to a close friend who reminded me that I could go alone, and that maybe, it might actually be a good thing for me to do. A challenge in the self acceptance I want to nurture. It was very true, and struck a chord. Why is being alone in social situations so scary for most of us? I can shop alone, sure. But talk about seeing a movie alone, or eating at a restaurant on my own and I panic. Why? It is vulnerable, certainly. But we should cherish our time alone, being with ourselves, I'm sure of it. My friend offered this pearl of true wisdom:

It's only when we're truly comfortable with ourselves that we will ever be able to be truly comfortable with someone else.

She's so right. And it's a gift to feel good with your own company. You can always rely on it, you know? Anyway, it turns out that a few friends and my mum and aunt are going to see a movie Friday arvo. But the idea stayed with me, and I wanted to explore it and challenge myself. I feel like this is really important for everything I have been working towards this year and my quest for happy and self acceptance. So I found something else, something I have been talking about on here and in general for months, and I locked in some Italian lessons for myself. 6 weeks worth, 3hours a week. I am nervous and excited! I had texts to buy (thank you every cheap book depository site!) and I am all ready to go come Feb. I'm thrilled too, because one of my besties, has German lessons at the same time so we can hook up for lunch afterwards. This will be great for me, I can feel it.

Photo A Day Challenge

2011-12-28T07:49:00.000+11:00

I may have mentioned the gorgeous Telle at Fat Mum Slim once or a billion times on this blog. She's a brilliant and well respected blogger for a reason, you know! Plus she's a great friend. Anyway, Chantelle has thrown down a challenge I love. It's January's photo a day.

I think it will be a lot of fun, and I'll post them here a weeks worth at a time. Stay tuned!! 4 days to go!

Post Christmas Sales. Or not.

2011-12-27T07:26:00.000+11:00

I have an addiction. I am seriously contemplating if after weight loss surgery, I may have replaced comfort eating with comfort shopping. I am unstoppable. It's not a problem as such, I only spend what I can afford, but they're certainly not needs...

Anyhoo, enough justification and concern. The bottom line is, FUN. I have shopped my limit in the post Xmas sales (already, it's only 2 days after Xmas!) I thought I'd show you goodies, a purchase shared is a purchase even more enjoyed, after all. ;)

First up, I ordered Richard Dawkins new graphic book, The Magic Of Reality. This one is one for the whole family. Finn has endless questions about this sort of thing, and I can't rattle off answers as much as I'd like to! I know I will enjoy it as well, and so will J. Miss RJ has a few years yet ;)

I also grabbed a cheap paperback copy of the first book in The Hunger Games trilogy. A friend loaned me the first book, and I immediately raced out and grabbed the other 2 because I couldn't put them down. Now that the movie is out in March, I want to reread the book beforehand, so I needed my own copy to go with the other 2.

Next up, Kikki-K has a great sale going. I bought their family calendar, along with some stickers for it and a pen to go with. I love that I can allocate each of our names to a column for every date and schedule our activities in individually. Then at a glance see who has what and when. Perfect.

Then I browsed Myers online sale. I found some awesome stuff and snapped them up. A new dinner set which was 50% off so I got 2.

Then, a new sunhat I needed desperately, and a beautiful bracelet. I can see that bracelet matched with my little black dress and a night on the town. It's stunning!

Finally, I spent up at Mimco. A hair clip, and I splurged on non sale items I have wanted FOREVER. A new handbag and wallet. BUTTON LOVE!

Phew! Credit card is now on ice, and I am on a spenders high. Ahh Boxing Day sales, you are lovely.

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year

2011-12-26T14:55:00.000+11:00

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done...
Another year over... A new one just begun.

Or, almost. Merry Christmas, friends. Talk about a time for reflection. Moreso than at any other time of the year, we seem to reflect on where we are at around Christmas and the end of the year. I have a lot to think about this year. My heart, my mind and my body have all been through the ringer this year. It has been a real challenge. It was not an easy year, but I feel really excited about the future. Ever since my op, I desperately wanted to make it to Christmas Day. I was so scared I'd have a complication and not be here for it. To have made it through is a massive relief and exciting for me. I was there for RJs birthday, Finns end of school year celebrations, and Christmas. Phew.

For Christmas, Finn asked that we stay home for the day, rather than go and see family and we agreed. It was the best decision, it really was. For the family, and for me personally. We spent Christmas Eve with my family, and it was fun - but hot and tiring. Christmas Day was spent with the kids playing with their toys, eating yummy (and sparse!) food and enjoying time together. That and Wii Sing It Downunder. LOVE.

2012 is going to be an interesting year. I go into it having lost 17kg since October, and I feel great. I still have some niggles that need to settle, but my adventure is beginning. I am curious to see where I am this time next year. I hope I can fit another overseas trip in, and I want to write (though my PhD proposal was rejected for the marks I got when RJ was newborn and Mum was having chemo for cancer, bit unfair but such is life!) If New Years Eve came, and we started 2011 over, would you do the same things again? I have to say that most of it, I would. I'd sure as hell still see NYC! I'd still have this operation. I'd still have worked madly on getting my head straight.

I am grateful for so much.

I am grateful for amazing friends who always have my back, who love me unconditionally, and who support and encourage me every single day. I am grateful for my beautiful children who are healthy, happy, and who want for nothing. They are creative, funny, and smart and so loving. I am grateful for my health, and for knowing it will keep improving as I shed kilos. I am grateful for my family, their support and love. I have so much hope for the future, I have spent a lot of this year thinking about happiness, how t get more, how to be more content and I feel like it is working. I still have my battles to fight, don't we all? But I have come a long way and I know I can keep learning and improving in the years to come. Thats what life is all about. :)

Merry Christmas, and a happy 2012 to you and yours xx

Secret Santa Happiness!

2011-12-21T17:37:00.002+11:00

So my adorable friend, Chantelle, over at Fat Mum Slim, organised a huge secret santa for bloggers, mostly here in Australia. It was a mammoth undertaking and one she pulled off with her usual style and flair. I was assigned the delightful Peggy from Cake, Crumbs and Beach Sand. We hit it off instantly over twitter, and I admired her blog and tuned in regularly. In a stroke of funny fate, we were assigned one another as Secret Santa partners. It was a lot of fun, I loved reading Peggy's blog and finding a gift that would mean something to her personally. I won't say here what that gift was, because whilst she has received my package, she's saving it up for Christmas Day to open.

I have no such willpower. My package from Peggy was barely in the door before I was ripping into it. Look how beautifully she wrapped it! A gift in itself, the wrapping!

And boy did she stalk me well. She read of my knee high sock fetish, and she gave me a gorgeous pair, she also read how I adore elephants, and I love love love the statue she put in for me - trunks up! And look at the gorgeous cylinder of pencils! I can't wait to create something lovely with them, I'm going to use them for my gratitude journal. She also sent me a copy of her eBook which is a brilliant self love guide for working mums - go grab yourself a copy, you won't regret it AND until Friday, 50% of all her sales are going to The Smith Family Christmas Appeal. So worthy and you get a brill read at the same time. Win Win!

Thank you Telle and Peggy for making my Christmas so much more joyful. I feel really lucky to have made a new friend in the process, the best gift of all!

Sadness

2011-12-19T13:32:00.001+11:00

Something weirds going on inside me. When my friends say kind or gentle things, I cry. I think it is because I want to believe them, but struggle to. I wish I saw myself the way that they do, and I don't. It makes me sad. When they say these things, its like it hits a nerve or a weak spot and I cry. I want to be the me they see but I can't believe I am.

I've had a rough week. I'm struggling a bit post op, and my heart has hurt. I guess my core feels rattled. I've worked really hard this year, in fact, the last 2 or so years, at trying to improve who I am, at trying to find happiness and contentment and to feel better about who I am. It feels like I am getting nowhere. I don't think that's entirely true. I can see changes, but essentially, I am still a terrified, insecure, frightened person. Sometimes, I upset myself with the actions I take. I wish I were braver, had more dignity and self pride, and were strong enough to say 'enough' when it is enough. Rather than feel so scared and so alone that I grasp onto things that are not always right for me.

I'm rambling. I'm just feeling really sad, and I'm forcing myself through each day at the moment, waiting to feel well, waiting to find love, waiting to like me. I'll keep trying to focus on right now, rather than waiting. I guess it takes practice.

OPI Addiction

2011-12-18T13:04:00.000+11:00

I think I am developing a dangerous addiction. OPI nailpolishes. It's worrying. I counted up how many I have currently, and I have 17 colours, silver shatter, 8 mini colours and top coat, base coat and strengthener... Oh dear.

BUT THEY ARE SO PRETTY!!!!!!!! I have the following colours... click on each one to see them.

Miami Beet
Just a Little Rösti at This
Austin-tatious Turquoise
Be Mine
Diva of Geneva
Mother Road Rose
Tickle My France-y
The Irre-swiss-ables Mini Pack
Wing It
Katy Perry mini pack
MeepMeepMeep
Designer De Better
Warm and Fozzie
Rainbow Connection
Excuse Moi
Gone Gonzo
Fresh Frog of Bel Air
Divine Swine
Gettin' Miss Piggy With it

So I decided for this weekends mani/pedi, just a week before Christmas to get MeepMeepMeep with silver shatter on my fingernails, and alternate Fresh Frog Of Bel Air and Gettin' Miss Piggy With It on my toes. Cuteness!

Friendship

2011-12-16T20:17:00.002+11:00

What does friendship mean to you? Have you got a close circle of friends? Or many? How important are they to your life?

Today I had a really, really, really, shitty day. I was really upset, and I was hurting terribly. I reached out, in the form of a fb status. Not overly classy, but when I get like that, I tend not to think straight and just act before thinking. I go from heart not head. Anyway, I reached out and honestly, the friendships I have... They are worth more than gold.

I got so much support, so much love, and so much understanding. While my heart hurts, having these people in my life makes it smart a little less, makes it heal a little faster, and reminds me to think that just maybe, theres a chance that if these people love me so much, maybe there's something of worth in me after all. I know that sounds dramatic, but its not news to hear I have self esteem issues and I genuinely react with surprise to see how amazing my friends are, and how zealous they are in their support and love for me. It really, honestly, makes me look at myself differently.

Can you imagine how valuable that is??? Can you fathom what that is worth??

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."

I am so sure of my friends, they are always letting ME know they're sure of me. Thank you, each of you who offered kind words, who offered love, support and encouragement. You will never truly know just how deeply it effects me. I swear I am not a sap but I have tears of gratitude. You are worth so much to me. Your friendship is appreciated more than you can possible imagine. I love you <3

Friends, old school style.

2011-12-16T06:35:00.002+11:00

Some of my mates, especially those I've made online, I've had for freakin YEARS. One such lass, is Lea. Lea and I have been mates, must be going on 10 years or so now. Easy. We've met IRL, and we've spent hours on chats and emails and phone calls over the years. The last few have been pretty awesome for Lea, and with life being hectic for myself, we haven't been in as much contact.

But ya know, this is one of those awesome friendships that picks up where it left off as though nothing ever changed. We can go months without a proper catch up, then it just clicks back in and we cruise again. These are the very best types of friendship. Low maintenance for the win!!!!

Anyhoo, actually, first, I have to share this stupid story - Lea and another friend, Sheri and I were all on msn chatting... this was years ago, and somehow we got to making puns on that song "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" and slogans that we felt could be printed on underwear to make us a killing. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life. Tears, wheezing and achey sides laughing it was. That's Lea though, shes fucking funny.

Anyhoo, the reason I am blogging about her today, is coz she's having a shit of a time. After an amazing few years where she met the love of her life, and married him in an amazing surprise ceremony on her 30th, she's just recently been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I'm pretty fucked off about it, to be honest. Cancer is such a bullshit, arse of a disease. Lea's too young, and got too much awesome in her life to have to jump this hurdle. It makes me stabby. Look, you can say 'well, if anyone can do it, she can' and that's true. The girl has chutzpah you can't even imagine. But that's beside the point. I don't want her to go through this shit. In fact, I am having a tantrum about it and I WILL kick and scream and stomp my feet at the unfairness of it. I'm mad. I watched Mum battle breast cancer and chemo and radio therapies. I saw it drain her, hurt her, and weaken her. I also watched how she changed as a result of it, and she grew soooo much stronger. She is emotionally and physically such a strong woman, I can only imagine how Lea will come out of this. Wonder Woman.

Anyway, keep my mate in your thoughts, send her love and happy, and don't tippy toe around the fact she's scored herself a date with Cancer. She knows it, we know it, and it's fucked. Stay strong for her, don't get emotional - look after yourself or support one another, but don't make her be brave for YOU. Just be the same as ever, if you can manage it, and she'll know you're there if she needs you.

Love you, Leanne.

My sister is awesome

2011-12-14T13:58:00.008+11:00

My sister is the best. She knows I am stuck on liquids and purees for a bit, so she sent me a fantastic gift. A juicer!!!!!

The accompanying card made me teary...

So today I decided to give it a run. So much fun. Here I am all set to juice. I have chopped up apples with skin removed (probably not necessary but my tum is still sensitive), peeled chopped carrot, celery pieces and 2 peeled and quartered oranges.

Put it all in and prepare to hit go.

Voila, 3 seconds later...

Oops, I let it sit a sec whilst I did the dishes and clean up.

No matter, a brisk stir and we are back to this glorious orange color!

Let me assure you it tasted AMAZING. I am stoked. Thank you sister, dear xxx

Happy 3rd Birthday, Rory-Jane.

2011-12-13T07:00:00.000+11:00

Miss RJ!!!

How on earth did this happen?! How did you get to be 3?! Ah. You are freaking awesome, you know that? You are such a funny girl, you have everyone in hysterics all the time with your personality. You got mad at your Nan recently, so you approached her with your fists up ready to fight!!! She roared laughing which totally killed your cranky.

You love taking Finn to karate and copying the exercises and shouting "ICH NI SAN SHI GO" as though you are part of the class. You have to be 4 before you can start, a long wait for you no doubt. You do love dancing classes, and recently had your first concert where you danced on stage like a trooper and demanded "want to do again!" for days afterwards. You can be a princess, insisting I paint your toenails when I do mine, dressing up in flouncy dresses and playing with your dolls, and in the next moment you are wrestling Finn or your dad and playing in the dirt.

I often think about the years we spent trying to fall pregnant. I truly reached a point where I thought it'd never happen. It wasn't to be, and that was that. I love that I am stubborn enough to have kept at it until it worked. I am SO glad, words can't describe it. You were worth every second and more. You look soooo like the little girl in my dream when I was trying to fall pregnant, the little girl who told me not to give up trying for her. It's eerie.

You are a bit of a couch potato. Love your DVDs and boy do you love your food! You have taken to calling your favorite person of the moment your "best friend" and it's a title of honour. "Best friend, Mama" you say hugging me and I melt. "Best friend, Finn!" or "Best friend, Jeffrey" (to the cats horror usually!) You and Finn still adore one another and you call him 'Ma' (Mine) less and less, and Finn more and more.

The animals are your best mates, you throw yourself at them and you are quite happy to endure being scratched for a moment of love. You make me so happy. Even when you are a ratbag and god knows you test me in a way Finn never did. Far feistier, far more independent, far more determined. You are like me. And I don't care how much it might bug me as your parent, i LOVE that you have those qualities.

Oh my beewee girl... I adore you. I wohwoo. Always & Forever, Mama xxx

Catch up

2011-12-12T10:40:00.005+11:00

What a busy week that was!!!

Firstly, we went to The Wiggles concert last Sunday the 4th, which was RJ heaven. She was able to briefly meet Murray when she handed him roses for Dorothy which made her day. It was a good day but geez they're starting to age.. Yikes. Anyway, we had fun and I survived my first big post op outing. Yay!

On Tuesday, Finn had his keyboard open day, a mini concert where he played a solo, and also got a solo in the group song all of his own, since he taught himself the latter part of the song that no one else knows. So proud. He really has got some amazing skills now, and is playing brilliantly.

On Wednesday we had RJs ballet concert which was absolutely adorable. Kids of all ages performed but the 2 year olds were just especially cute. She loved it and kept saying she wanted to do it again. She has since been showing off her ballet moves to all and sundry at school. Made for the stage this kid. So beautiful!

On Thursday I went to see the dietician and found I've lost a total of 16.3kg now, I am going great guns and am able to go from liquids to mushy foods (trickier than it sounds, most foods still feel too much for me). It's nice to have choice in my diet again, even a small choice. It'll be a long month or so to get back to a normal diet though.

Friday I had to get one of my incision wounds checked, its a bit iffy, but nothing to worry about which was a relief. This weekend we celebrated RJ and Js birthdays since their actual birthdays fall on Tuesday, and no one is around! We have another very hectic week ahead. I will be glad to hit Xmas and fall in a heap I can tell you! Sheesh!

Arancini

2011-12-10T09:36:00.003+11:00

I am so obsessed by food whilst I can't eat much of it, and my friend, Katie, posted about arancini this week. Hers are healthier than mine, and far better for you, but I thought I would share my tried and true recipe anyway!

I find that to make arancini, it is easier to mould the balls from a baked risotto than a stove top one, and you have to let it cool first. I make risotto just to make arancini, really. It's time consuming but the noms are worth it. My favorite recipe for this is a baked mushroom one - vegetarian ftw.

Preheat your oven to 180c. Put 3c of vegetable stock and 1.5c of cold water in a saucepan. Bring it to the boil, then simmer covered until you need it later on.

Melt 25g butter in another saucepan, and cook about 400g mushys. Mixed mushrooms are good, but almost always just use button ones, because they're the easiest to source! Cook them a few minutes until they brown, then move them to a bowl and set aside. Melt another 25g butter and add a finely chopped brown onion, and 2 crushed garlic cloves until soft. Add in 2c of arborio rice and stir until coated with the oil/garlic/onion mix for a minute or so, then put the mushrooms back in. Next add 1/2c dry white wine and boil and stir until it is all but evaporated.

At this point I get out my baking dish and tip the mix into it, then pour the pre-prepared stock over the top, evening it all out gently with a spoon. Cover it up with foil, and put it carefully in the oven. Bake it for 25min, stir it every so often. Remove the foil and bake it another 5 minutes or until all the liquid is absorbed.

Remove it from the oven and stir in 1/3c fresh chopped chives and 1/3c parmesan (or cheddar) cheese. Try to resist eating it all. I always set aside a small bowl for my lunch, and use the rest for dinner arancini! Now leave it to cool.

About an hour or so later, you're set to go. Prepare 3 bowls on your work surface. In one, put some plain flour, the next, beaten egg, and the final, breadcrumbs. Cut up some small cubes of mozzarella cheese, and have them handy too. Some people put bolognese sauce in the centre with the cheese, that's pretty traditional, but I wanted mine vegetarian (plus it was easier than working out how the hell to get bolognese sauce in the middle without a massive mess!)

Anyway, scoop about a small handful of your risotto up and start moulding it into a half ball, stick a square of mozzarella on it then grabe some more to cover it up and make it into a ball. Roll it in the flour, then the egg, then the breadcrumbs and set it on a plate. Repeat until your risotto is gone!

Next, heat a pan of shallow oil to super hot. Place arancini in the hot oil and turn as it browns, then put it on a baking tray. Repeat until all are browned then bake in the oven at a low temperature for 15-20m until heated through.

ENJOY!

Shoppers Delight!

2011-12-06T12:39:00.012+11:00

Gather round friends, this one is very exciting... Firstly, how good is our Aussie dollar these days? Pretty awesome right? And how wonderful it would be to take advantage of it without the ghastly shipping nightmares and costs - or worse still, when you find the item of your dreams and they don't ship internationally at all. Devastating! Well! Have I got some exciting news for you!!!!!

Emerald City Shipping. 3 words that make my heart flip! Leila will do your shopping and ship for you. Place doesn't accept an Australian credit card? Leila's got you covered. Sephora won't ship internationally?!?! It's a travesty!! But, Leila has you covered. I have used this service when it was run by my mate, Mez. Let me tell you, it is SO simple. I sent her my Sephora wishlist and she sent me an invoice. I logged into paypal, sent her the cash, and 2w later, Sephora goodies were in my mailbox. Freaking BRILLIANT.

Low stress, highly reliable, and cost effective. You cover the cost of your product, the shipping price (which Leila will get for you at the most economical price) and a one off payment for her time and effort sourcing the goods - a bargain of just $15. Freaking amazing.

As a bit of a shopper, this just makes me so excited. I finally have easy access to all the US goodies that have for so long been out of my reach. Sephora, Amazon bargains, the FULL Urban Outfitters range, Zara online, LuLu's, the wonderful Gap, and my most favorite kids clothing store bar none - Janie & Jack (who do ship to Aus but charge far too much, as do some of the others listed here). So many more!!!! (In fact if you find others, do comment and let me know... )

It is also worth noting that given our seasons and US seasons are reversed, we can often get end of seasons sale prices that are perfect for the season we are commencing. Brilliance!!!

Oh my heart she pounds and my hip pocket, she bleeds. Seriously, go and have a look at Emerald City Shipping and get shopping, it's all kinds of happy, especially with New Year bargain sales right around the corner... Enjoy!

The true meaning of Christmas

2011-11-30T08:32:00.003+11:00

Every year, at this time, I try to find something that means something to me, and a way to make a difference to someone whose Christmas is not as magical and blessed as my own.

Last year, we helped out a family who were struggling to find money to feed and buy any gifts for their children. The year before, we sponsored a child through World Vision.

This year, I was really affected by the story of Kristie and Avery. On July 14 2011, Avery was stillborn. The grief that Kristie continues to experience, the unimaginable pain she has endured this year, broke my heart. I don't know Kristie, I know only what I read, but it takes a special person to reach out, in the midst of their pain and offer a suggestion on how to make things better. This post does just that. And it was that post that inspired me, and showed me who I wanted to make my charitable donation to this Christmas.

I had read about the organisation, Heartfelt, before, and always admired the powerful work they do. Heartfelt is a volunteer staffed photographic company, that give the gift of photographic memories to families that have experienced stillbirths, premature and ill infants and children in the Neonatal Intensive Care Units of their local hospitals, as well as children with serious and terminal illnesses. Heartfelt is dedicated to providing this gift to families in a caring, compassionate and heartfelt manner. You can read more about their work on their website, but you can imagine that when you are going through this, you aren't thinking about creating memories, you aren't thinking about that moment down the track when you think "I wish I had gotten a photo..." But these people are. The cost of a session is only $40. That's such a small amount for something that means SO much. You can donate here.

I had not, however, read about Little Angel Memory Boxes before. These are beautiful ways to honor the loss of a baby, and to create a memorial for the families in grief. Each Memory Box includes:
*Teddy
*Memorial Seeds
*Candle
*Knitted blanket or Baby Wrap
*LAMB Keepsake Journal- which includes space for parents to record some of their child most precious memories, including hand and foot prints, photos, poems, hospital cards and other special memories.
*Information about creating those final precious moments.

Their service does not stop there, though. They offer a firm support network, to people grieving the loss of a child. Again, one of these boxes is worth just $40. I think that looking at the candle, planting some seeds in your lost childs memory, and recording your thoughts in a journal for some kind of therapy, some desperate way to make sense of chaos, would be worth so much more to someone experiencing this. You can donate to LAMB here.

I am really grateful, that I have never had to experience anything as wrenching as the loss of a child, I cannot even imagine it, I don't ever want to have to. I am so lucky to be excited for Christmas, with 2 healthy, beautiful children, and only good memories. I hope that my small offering is enough to help someone out, it won't be much, but it's the least I can do.

Merry Christmas.

Lovely stuff

2011-11-29T18:20:00.004+11:00

My OPI order arrived today. I have been sweating on it getting here and I was NOT disappointed. Check these babies out!!

I love how bright and fun they are. I love the idea of alternating green and red for Chrismassy toes, too. RJ immediately requested pink glittery toenails. But of course!

The entire muppets range of colours are stunning but I left out the red/pinks since I already have shades similar enough.
So much pretty. With my GHD, my Sephora make up that arrived 2 weeks ago, and pretty nails, I am going to wow soon!

Surgery recovery is going well. I am stiff and sore still, wind pained still, and tired still... But it's going well. It's odd. I want to eat, food still holds great appeal, but I am happy to stick to my liquid diet for a couple of weeks and not take any unnecessary risks. What IS surprising is how little I need to have to fill me. This will relax over time, but right now, a few tablespoons of soup and I am done. WEIRD FEELING. The mental part of it is the strangest and most difficult for sure. Onward and upward (or downward if we're talking scales...)

Onward!

2011-11-29T07:54:00.002+11:00

Operation complete. Well settled in recovery phase.

Just wanted to give a shout to the lovely Kate Says Stuff for her awesome idea to showcase some blogs (mine included!) Its given me some fantastic reading for this stuck in rest mode stage. Such a brilliant idea, love!!!

D Day

2011-11-24T11:40:00.000+11:00

Auto publish for DDay. When this goes up, I will be at the hospital - surgery day.

Let's DO this!!!!

2011-11-21T12:25:00.002+11:00

Naww just found this!

It'd be nice to get a vote, but there are so many great blogs on this list, it's nice just to be on the same page!

3 days to go...

2011-11-21T07:25:00.003+11:00

... Until surgery day, and they're going to be busy ones. I am nervous and highly strung, need to do some relaxation along the way as often as possible. I wrote a letter to myself a while back, I'll share it today. See ya on the other side, ya'll x

Dear Kelly,

This is the only you I have ever known. I can barely remember a you that comes close to a normal weight. It's not that I expect to be thin, I'll always be large, but where you are now is scaring me. It's an ongoing gradual sliding gain, and in 8 years, I've gained almost 20 kg. If I keep on this path, I know I will be in trouble. Since the latest 7kg in 5 months gain, I have had this horrible reflux/ulcer/whatever thing, and heart palps, and it dawns on me it will only get worse. It's terrifying. I am scared of this operation, too. It all feels a bit surreal. It's drastic. It's scary, but I need help. I remember at uni, when I was maybe 30-40kg lighter than I am now, I was referred to as "Big Kell" - they didn't know I could hear them call me that. It wasn't said meanly. I was being differentiated from another Kelly. I'll always be Big Kell. It's all I ever knew. The ugly, fat, sister. The hide behind smarts and wit because it's all I have.

I want to be ME. I want to let me out, the true me, not the fat me I have always felt. It's not that I don't feel I don't have value now, because I know that I do, weight or not. But, I want to feel confidence to let that real me inside, shine on the outside as well. I want the confidence to just live. I don't want to be sad, fearful, and self conscious anymore.

I want to see my children grow up. I want this so much, for my children, and for me. I want this to give myself another chance. Don't lose sight of your goals, look at those photos and remind yourself why you never want to come back to this. Remember how unhappy you are right now, and have been for so long. At 34, you're going to start life. Remember where you came from, and be kind to yourself. Don't devalue who you were (and are still, at this point in time), just because of weight. You're so much more than that. It's time to let the weight go and embrace being me. The real me.

Love, Kelly.

Intuition

2011-11-18T12:56:00.004+11:00

in·tu·i·tion [in-too-ish-uhn, -tyoo-]
noun
1. Direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.

Intuition, gut instinct, real truth, divine guidance... call it what you will. Truth is, something of that nature exists. Is it coincidence, or a fabrication of the mind, perhaps? I don't think so, but some would. Sometimes, I can tune into it easily, others it is far more difficult, or impossible altogether.

I know when I have struck on it, it's feeling that's hard to describe. I go from chaos in my mind, anxiety, worry, and fear to a settled feeling of KNOWING something is true and right. It's never failed me. Good and bad. When I think about my surgery next week, I have only good instincts but geez they can be hard to locate and cling to. My mind gets in the way. It doesn't stop me freaking out.

I sort of feel as though my mind is getting desperate this week and throwing every trick at me it can muster. Sabotage, sore stomach returning, boredom... It's as though it is in freak out mode that am actually going ahead with this. It's hard to cope with, because I am constantly fighting a battle with my own mind and trying to keep it on a leash. It WILL be okay, it IS the right thing... Breathe...

This op is a pretty big deal, it'll take quite a while to recover, and I don't know what it'll mean for my every day future. I just know I'm out of choices. I need help. It's this or an early grave. I hope it turns out to be the best thing I ever did. Time will tell.

I have to remind myself, as the past has proven, when I feel scared or nervous, I must focus on my intuition. It never lets me down.

Happy Early Birthday to me!

2011-11-13T11:05:00.004+11:00

My 34th Birthday is this Wednesday the 16th. Since J will be working and Finn will be at school, we decided to celebrate today instead. Wow have I been spoiled! I got a Pirates of the Caribbean lego set - since I have completed every Harry Potter set, this was my next collection. Super excited! J took Finn to the local market last weekend and with his own money he brought me some handmade soap and a wire butterfly wall hanging. He spent about $30 of his own money on me. It makes my heart ache with pride. What a selfless, generous boy he is.

This morning the presents kept coming, one after another. I was so spoiled and I loved every one of them. Each is SO me. My bedroom is my haven, it's my special place, so these gifts were perfect. Letters that spelled out my childrens names. Candle holders and candles, knee high socks (my guilty indulgence!), a beautiful Japanese doll with cherry blossoms printed on her kimono, and as you may know, I love elephants, and this is the most beautiful bronze statue in the history of ever!!

But it still wasn't over. I also got a beautiful charm from Tiffany for my charm bracelet. SWOON!!!! It reminds me of Venice. Love it. And a new mug with CBF - SO me "Can't be fucked!" - and a $50 itunes voucher... Seriously, I was spoiled rotten. I'm also being waited on and treated to hugs on tap. Bliss! My 34th year is going to be one of my greatest years!

Being Brave

2011-11-12T07:12:00.007+11:00

So I've been seeing a lot of tweets with the hashtag #OpEleanor recently, from my US tweeps. I was intrigued so I read more. Undomestic Diva started an Operation Eleanor campaign. Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as having said that we should do one scary thing every day. Take a risk. In fact the full quote seems to be -

Anyway, it's been interesting to read and watch people on twitter face some fears, or be brave, and tackle things they might not normally. It's a fabulous idea. This was in my mind yesterday when I heard back from the HDR Coordinator at Deakin regarding my potential PhD (see here). I am not a shoe-in, because my research unit wasn't a great mark. At the time I had a newborn, and Mum was doing chemo. It was all I could do just to finish it. But, I am going to go in and talk to her about it and see what she says. I can only try. That said, I am terrified of being approved. I don't know why this scares me so much. I guess because i know how much work would be in it, and I am worried I won't self motivate enough. This is a huge risk, a huge fear to face. ER would be proud!

She also said:

One smart woman, huh? I think I have me a new role model.

Steven Spielberg's got nothin on Finn.

2011-11-11T11:11:00.002+11:00

So, my boy likes making movies. Seriously into it. He's written a script with a few scenes, filmed it, edited it and refined it. He uses computer software to import sounds, and to create effects. His dad helped him to build a huge set for his latest Western epic too, you can see it in the pic, it's pretty awesome. Those saloon doors are real - hinged and all. Very swish. Finn went to a one day movie making class run by Buzz Movie Makers, and had the opportunity to use professional cameras, to act, and to direct, and to use a green screen. He worked with far older children, and loved every moment of it.

He opted not to get a camera for Xmas, preferring an iPod touch instead, which surprised me, he mostly uses the laptop webcam for his filming, but I think he may be surprised by what he can film with the touch. He asked to enrol in the Buzz holiday course which is a full week long thing. I ummed and ahhed - it will mean 4h of driving a day for 5 days for us, but he has little else arranged for the holidays and he will get bored so I caved and enrolled him. Gotta cherish their passions right? Who knows? He might be destined for this. And even if he isn't, he'll know we value what he does.

Happy Birthday Twins

2011-11-10T07:30:00.001+11:00

It's hard to believe how fast a year can pass. A year ago today, I had one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I say that with no exaggeration, there are few things I have gone through that have impacted me as largely and deeply as being present when my best friend gave birth to two beautiful twin boys. It was more than magical, deeper than spiritual. It was amazing.

You can read all about that day here - I felt nostalgic and teary reading over it again. It's a great entry (if I do say so myself!)

These boys are growing into such sweet little things. They each have very distinct personalities, one the showman, one the shy-guy. I am honoured to be their godmother, along with each of their big brothers. I love watching them grow, seeing them become their own people, and wondering what they'll be like as kids, teens and adults.

As they each turn one, I have some words for each of them.

Ollie, keep that smile big, every time you send one my way it melts me inside. You have a light within that is going to shine bright and touch so many. You have the ability to make people feel amazing and I can just tell that will get stronger as you get older. Delight in the happiness and the love that is you.

Bassy, you're a sensitive soul, happy to stand in your brothers shadow and besotted with your Mama. You're going to be a creative, and gentle boy, a bit like that boy of my own. Your big brothers will look out for you, and let you develop into the perceptive and sweet man I know you will be.

I love you, my darling godsons. Happy first birthday xx

Stuff and other things

2011-11-08T15:24:00.005+11:00

Brief update on moi. My operation was originally set for Nov 24, then they moved me to the 25th, and this week they moved me BACK to the 24th. Craziness. I hope I get my fasting and admission times correct after all this :) I have 18 days until the operation, and the diet is going okay. I've lost just over 3.5kg, but the food is becoming repetitive and boring. Still a way to go yet. I have moments of freak out over the operation, I just want to be on the other side of it, but mostly I am feeling good about it all.

Bit worried I am transferring my emotional eating to emotional shopping after this weeks Christmassy binge. I best keep an eye on that!

I took the kids to the 'zoon' on Saturday. Zoon is how RJ pronounces zoo, very cute. We had a great time, though it was a pretty hot day and by the time we got home, I was a touch sunburned. Naturally the kids had hats, I just didn't get one for myself! Typical! Here we are at the Orangutan enclosure, where we saw the cutest Mama and new baby Orangutans.

It feels like an exciting time for me. I am focused solely on myself and the kids, and I am excited for the future. My gorgeous friend, Nat, wrote this blog entry for me this week, which made me really centre on what is important. I am grateful that it helped me, and honoured that she sees me in such a beautiful way. I was accepted into a journalism post grad, but am yet to hear back regarding the PhD I was considering, so I am uncertain what I will be doing study-wise next year. Either way, I will be writing, getting thinner and healthier, and enjoying watching my children grow. It's a bright outlook. Brilliant.

48 sleeps?

2011-11-07T09:09:00.000+11:00

I know, Christmas again.

I am adding to my must buy list for kids. I have a 5 year old niece, I got her some of these Lalaloopsy dolls. They're pretty cute and quite popular at the mo from what I can gather. I got a few of the mini ones, you can get ragdoll sized ones too.

My 4 year old nephew got this cute Lightning McQueen racing suit. He's Cars mad so it should go down a treat, I'm hoping!

I also had a set of twins and another 3 and 4 year old to buy for, but since their Mama and Papa may read this entry, I'll have to keep hush on those ones!

Also, I found the most amazing bargain for RJ. Check THIS out!! Win!

Christmas Shopping Part 2

2011-11-06T12:57:00.004+11:00

So last post I gave you a guide for a 3 year old and an 8 year old. I'd do an almost 34 year olds list, but you can just head to Tiffany & Co. and we'll call it good.

I found this place this morning and I love love love it. I ordered a gift for Finns teacher, a gift for my folks and a gift for myself from it. The store is called Mad About Christmas and it does the sweetest personalised Xmas decorations. They are adorable! They have gifts for teachers, grandparents, and Christmas aside they also do graduation and new baby etc gifts. I'm yet to receive my order obviously, but I will be sure to let you know what I think when I do.

I also shopped up a bit of a storm at The Christmas Warehouse, where they have a pretty awesome range of decorations and stuff. If I had a money tree, I'd have gotten some cool outdoor decorations this year. How festive I am.

Anyhoo, you can contact me directly about how to get that Tiffany order to me ;) Happy shopping!

Top Ten Xmas Gifts 2011

2011-11-04T10:26:00.002+11:00

So Christmas is only 52 sleeps away, and the panic has begun. WHAT DO WE BUY THE CHILDREN!?!?!? Yeah, I dunno either. I decided to compile a list to help other frustrated parents. Except, I couldn't be arsed covering every age group. It'd take me forever, and I don't wanna. So below I have my top ten picks for Christmas presents for 3 year old girls, and for 8 year old boys.
Seriously, other than these 2 ages I have no idea. Wait, including these I have no idea. But I like the look of this lot, and I reckon my 2 would love any one of these (or, all of them, if their over-spender father gets his way...)

Three Year Old Girl Top Ten Xmas Gifts 2011

A doll. But not just any doll, these are gorgeous Aussie made dolls, really pretty (read: not skanky) and with cute outfits you can buy as added extras. Super cute!

Sand and water play. What kid doesn't like sand and water??

Zhu zhu pets. Now, I can't work these things out. They're weird. But man are they popular!!!

Kitchen... I know, I know, it's stereotypical crap. To be fair, the 8yo boy got a wooden kitchen for his birthday, so I am not stereotypical. Again, any kid loves this sort of role play. You can get plastic food sets super cheap to go with, too.

Leapfrog learning system. My girl loved a little version of this we found once, was just a pen that traced shapes and numbers so I reckon she would love one with stories. You can get them for all kinds of ages, and with all the popular characters.

Dress ups. Another one for lots of ages and both genders. my two have boxes and boxes of dress ups they have accrued over the years. They are one thing that never seems to grow old. They're constantly using them for games, fun, parties etc. Always a winner in my book.

Horse and Carriage - I had something like this as a kid. I reckon any little girl would go nuts for it. So cute!

Craft. Painting easels, packs of miscellaneous crafty bits and pieces, beads... You name it, they'll use it.

Jewellery box. Every wee Princess needs a vanity table with costume jewellery. And every collection of jewels needs a box to keep them in. Personally, I am a sucker for the ones that you open and they have the dancing ballerina in them. Just precious!

Milkshake Maker. This one might be specific to my girl. She freaking loves her milk, especially pink milk. She would LOVE one of these cute milkshake makers. Naww!

Top ten Christmas gifts for 8 year old boys 2011.

Chocolate moulds. Aside from the fact that it is about chocolate (lets face it, even we might steal this one), so many kids are wannabe Willy Wonka's. This little kit has all kinds of fun to it.

Anything NERF. We have at least 5 different kinds of nerf gun in this house. Including one that would put Rambo to shame. I hate the things, myself. I hide when they come out, but the boy loves them.

Anything magic. Finn loooooves magic tricks. Books, hats, wands, kits... All of it. Putting on a magic show at home, at school, for grandma and grandpa - winning.

Nintendo DS. Whether its old school or the new shmancy 3D version, these are brilliant. Finn uses his endlessly, not always using games, but the photos and voice effects keep him amused for ages.

Spykee the Robot. Okay so mine has this already too. I fail at this. But, aside from it needing an adult to put it together, this is awesome. You watch it on a computer screen and drive it about remotely. You can get smaller versions of him that might be easier for kids to put together themselves, too.

Books! Every kid needs books, you can never give or get too many. Great ranges for this age include Zac Power, Captain Underpants, The Undy's, and Diary Of A Wimpy Kid.

Popcorn Maker. Or Donut Maker. Back on the food theme, kids like cooking. Kids like yummy food. So combine them!

Electric Scooter. These are cool, and being electric, no skill in riding and steering and concentrating is required. Throw on a helmet and steer. That's it. I think I want one...

Solar System Mobile Kit. This is pretty cool. What is it about boys and space anyway? Let them get some smarts about space and have fun at the same time.

iPod Touch. Along the lines of the DS, but this keeps the kids off mum and dads iPhones and iPads. No phone element, so no carrier needed, but they can still play all the fun (and occasionally educational) apps and games they love.

So, there you go. I just did your Christmas shopping for you. Assuming you have a 3 year old girl and an 8 year old boy. Otherwise, get shopping yourself. :D

Farewell, shitty October.

2011-11-02T16:16:00.003+11:00

How's your week going? This week has been a painful one for me. I was supposed to have a special visitor this week, it was going to be a perfect trip, and it fell apart. It's painful. today I feel that awful sort of tired/worn/flat/ache grief thing. Heartbreak is really, truly, awful. I don't think I will take the risk of offering up my heart again. It's not worth the pain. It all comes back to that bullshit saying - "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Bull. Shit. I so disagree with that saying. I would rather shut my heart off and protect it, than to be hurt again. Just not interested.

That aside, the diet is going well, food is boring, but I am not starving. My stomach is improving and getting better, and the kids are happy. I took them to a Halloween party thrown by a family at school (an annual event) which was fantastic. They live in a gorgeous property up on the mountain. They had a jumping castle, laser light disco and plenty of food and drink. It was incredibly generous and all the dress ups (kids and adults alike) were a lot of fun. Finn is still recovering from some serious exhaustion over the last week or so, so we didn't stay too long but we had a good time.

Hoping this month is a thousand times better than last. Cheers.

A new beginning.

2011-10-28T09:17:00.002+11:00

Starts today. Today is the first day of my pre surgery diet. I have to do this for 4 weeks, in 4 weeks from today, I will be going in for my operation. It's kinda scary and exciting all at once. I don't really have a lot to say about it. I'm not dwelling on it too much, just plodding along, really. Anyway, I wanted to mark the start of this life changing journey. Here we go :)

Reflection

2011-10-25T07:40:00.003+11:00

When Finn was a baby, I used to sing The Beatles "All My Lovin" to him as a lullaby. Mostly because it started with "close your eyes" and that was my desperate goal! I've told him this over the years, and he smiles and indulges me. Recently, his school began playing Beatles songs as a precursor to the school bell at the start of the day, and at the end of recess and lunch times. He came home one day, a silly smile on his face, telling me that they had played 'close your eyes.' I said to him "lucky I wasn't there, I'd have cried and hugged you and cried myyyy bayyybeeeeee" he looked as appropriately horrified as an 8 year old would at such a thought! I promised I'd not really do that, I'd just want to.

Yesterday, whilst waiting for school assembly, guess what song came over the school speakers? He looked at me, I looked at him, and we both gave one another goofy smiles. I teared up, and was grateful that he was a good distance away to not notice. The urge to run and rock him was quite strong! Instead, I remembered those nights, holding him as a wee small baby to my shoulder, singing softly, and patting him to sleep whilst I looked at the boy he was growing into in front of me, and felt a surge of pride in the smart, kind, and creative child he has become. I'm doing okay.

Oh dear.

2011-10-23T14:49:00.003+11:00

What was I thinking??? I just emailed the lecturer I had (and respected enormously) when I did my Masters unit. The creative and exegesis unit? Remember THIS? I emailed her and asked about doing a PhD. What was I thinking? I can't do that!!! I'd have to write a creative piece 80,000 words long. Not to mention an exegesis of 20,000.

Logically, as someone who actually wants to write books for a living some day, I have to kinda tackle this issue of length either way. This would motivate me to do so, right? RIGHT? And it's an opportunity to write on a topic of significance. But, the pressure I'd put myself under would be pretty hardcore. And I'd be committed to 3-6 YEARS of it. Again, WHAT WAS I THINKING? She will likely reply and say no anyway. Maybe. I can always change my mind before I sign on for keeps anyway.

So why am I panicking at having sent that email??? :/

The awesome that is Siri

2011-10-17T18:42:00.002+11:00

snort LOL.

Sunshiney day

2011-10-16T08:19:00.004+11:00

Excuse my last post tantrum. I feel much better in every way today. The sun has been out and has done some healing work on my soul. My health is tolerable, and will keep improving. I feel as though I am making progress on myself. I am on day 11 of being vegetarian and enjoying it hugely. I just feel better for it. Surgery is in 5 and a half weeks, I am all booked in and ready to go. I have a flat out week ahead then things calm again for a bit. Monday is dance lesson day, Tuesday I have to go the dietician, Wednesday is karate day, Thursday is psychologist day. Friday I can relax! In theory. Or catch up on the weeks housework more likely. Finn also has swimming lessons every day for the next 2 weeks. Intense.

Had a lovely week with RJ, she is at such an intense age at the moment. The "why mama? Why?" phase is in full swing. She loves being a girly girl and wearing pretty dresses and hair clips, yet she was fascinated by the big cherry picker truck that came this week. She is ful of personality and opinion and she is both stubborn and sweet. Cracks me up. Meanwhile, Finn has advanced to juniors class at Karate. no more kids classes for him. He is in with teens. I am afeared. He is excited.

RJ watching the truck up at the power lines.

I got myself the new iPhone 4S this week, it's beautiful. As with an new Apple product, the thing that always strikes me most is the beauty of the product. They really are art. The clarity and crispness of the new camera is amazing. The below is the first picture I took with it. Both kids were keen to be in the first photo for the new phone. ;) Siri is fun too. I like having my own PA to store reminders and such for me. Very cool. The first 24 hours my calls wouldn't work. Telstra blamed Apple, Apple weren't sure. Of course, stock was sold out and there were no replacement phones, but thankfully, all it needed was a new SIM card and all was perfect. Phew! The most exciting feature for me I literally just discovered now. I downloaded a song from iTunes on my laptop earlier, my phone just told me it automatically can access these downloads without syncing now. I have been wanting that feature for so long! SQUEE!!!!

My body is falling apart

2011-10-14T07:29:00.003+11:00

I am in a foul mood today. My health has been shite for a year. First it was the never-ending period and it taking weeks and weeks to work out why and correct the pill I was on to fix it. Then it was chest strain, then heart palpitations and using a holter monitor and a bunch of tests to rule out anything serious. Now it's this weird stomach thing. They ruled out gallstones, I had an ultrasound, blood tests and a helicobacter breath test all come back clear. And still I am in pain. Dr says reflux, but its not really easing, so I am going back today to demand a barium meal to rule out ulcer/hiatal hernia. I am supposed to have weight loss surgery in 6 weeks. I am not forking out a fortune if he gets in there and says woah can't operate because of whatever it is. If the barium meal is clear, then it must be reflux or irritation and that's not such a big deal. I am so angry. It shouldn't take so long. I haven't been well in months, and I feel like it's been a year of sadness, ill health and negative emotions. I AM OVER IT.

Evil. For kids.

2011-10-08T08:04:00.006+11:00

Where did it come from?? Finn has a toy, I've no idea how it made its way into our house, but each time it surfaces, I think ugly thoughts. I ponder the uproar over "sexy" dolls, violent toys, and controversial products that seem to somehow make it onto the toy market and I think to myself - why are we so worried about these when THIS toy exists? When THIS haunts me? When THIS makes my life a goddamn misery every time it is pulled from the toy box.

And what is this toy? What is this demonic creation causing heartache and such a distressed reaction to me?? Oh, I'll tell you, but I warn you, unless you've seen it in action, you'll likely not fully 'get' how traumatic this thing is. Ready? Here it is.

It has relatives, too. The recorder for one. Who the hell makes and markets these to children? Because I've a bone to pick with you. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????? Certainly, you weren't thinking of the parents. Oh, educational you say. Creative. OR JUST A GODDAMN PAIN IN MY EARS UNRELENTINGLY FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF SCHOOL HOLIDAYS!!!!!!

And why, you ask, haven't I thrown it away? Why is it still here? Because it is evil. Every time I go to find it to ditch it, it hides. HIDES. I don't know where, and I don't know how it still survives, but some day... some day I am going to get my hands on it, and as it whines its last EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I will smile the smile of a satisfied, somewhat insane, harassed mother, and peace will reign. At least until the recorder is found, and blown at full capacity. Sigh.

Ouuuchhh

2011-10-05T00:07:00.001+11:00

Am in a lot of pain at the moment. Doctor thinks it might be gallstones. I had an ultrasound but they said it'd take a day or two to get results to the doctor. Im not sure I can wait that long, the pain is out of this world and even with codapane, impossible to relieve. I can't eat, I can't sleep... I may need to take myself off to hospital and hope they operate ASAP :( Not sure what to do.

The power of thought?

2011-10-03T08:18:00.004+11:00

How powerful do you think your mind is? I've been thinking about the power of thought lately. From 'The Secret' to a Dan Brown-esque book of fiction I just finished (called The Fourth Awakening), it's becoming an increasingly popular theory.

I dreamt the other night that someone in my dream called my name. I responded by sitting bolt upright in bed, as though it were real, and not in my head.

I've had a sore stomach for a week. Since about the time I decided with certainty to get the surgery. I can eat without any problem, but my upper abdomen is sore and tight. I wonder if it's stress? Or a reaction to anticipatory stress of the op? I'm fairly obsessive in my thinking about the surgery. It makes me wonder what effect my thoughts are having on my body and if it's possibly what's going on. Seems a bit of a nutty theory though.

Another thing I've been thinking about for some months now, is becoming vegan. I've a few vegan friends who've shared amazing recipes, and each seems really well grounded and centered in life in general. Since after the operation, I'll need to change my eating entirely - albeit temporarily - I might use the opportunity to make the change entirely. My greatest concern is alternatives to chocolate. How sad is that?? Since I'll be eating less anyway, it seems timely. Whilst I currently eat animal products, im enjoying them less and less. I need to read up on it some so I can get my head around it in time.

For a year or so now, I have felt like my life is this messy jumble, out of control and chaotic. I can see future me, settled and happy and focused, but I don't know how to get there. I want to slow down and be more aware of every day. I want to be grateful and cherish small things. I want to be centered and calm. I don't know where to start.

Yawn

2011-09-30T16:38:00.002+10:00

Wassup? Slack blogger as per. It's school holidays, and my boy has been super sick for most of it thus far. It started with a headache the Thursday night before the last day of term. He insisted on going to the school play anyway, since it was the final performance. By Friday morning he was immobile on the couch with horrible headaches. He threw up once, but that was it. Saturday we went to the doctor who said 'I don't know. Virus?" Helpful. Another day on the couch, no appetite, and he stayed that way most of the week. Yesterday (Thursday, a week later...) he ate a little and didn't have a day nap for the first time in a week. Today he is a little more improved again. It's been a slow recovery, though. Poor kid. Not much of a holiday hes having. Next week he wants to stay at Mums for a night. We went up today for a day trip visit to get him out of the house at least.

It's been a long week for many reasons. I'm finding comfort and escape in a book, very typical. It's helping though. Also, J offered me the cash to get the surgery done ASAP so I have an appointment with the surgeon October 12. Nervous, but excited. Just want to get it over with now. Weird feeling. I need to go to a gold class movie as a goodbye!

Finishing with a photo from the trip to Mums today. Kids had a great time :)

Fat chicks

2011-09-23T16:08:00.004+10:00

I've never really talked about weight before. Funny, because it is a huge (pardon the pun) part of my life. I'm a fat chick. It's been that way since puberty, and even before then, I was always larger. Larger I can handle, but where I am now causes me so much sadness. I put a lot of value (or lack thereof) on myself as a person by appearance. It's not resulting in a good esteem at all, but I can't change my thinking. PCOS makes weight loss more difficult, and I have been seriously considering surgery. The past week or so, I have decided that I will go ahead with surgery. I took out health insurance today, there is a 12 month wait, which is kinda frustrating, but I'll use that time to do as much work myself as I can. I know that weight loss surgery is controversial. You know what though? The bottom line is I need help. I've tried for 20 years to lose weight on my own. 20 long, hate filled, failure filled, years. And I want to be around to see my children grow up. I want to be able to move freely and confidently. I want to be able to glance in the mirror and not feel depressed that the person I love on the inside, is not reflected on my outside. It's a terrifying prospect to consider surgery. It's not the easy out, it's scary, it's major, and it will have side effects and repercussions to manage. They cannot be worse than what faces me in the years ahead if I don't do something about this. I need help. Admitting that - publicly - is a big deal.

See this dress? I want to wear a dress like this. Whilst I will never be as thin as this model, I would still fit into that dress. I want to walk into a "normal" store (not a fat chicks store!) and be able to buy something off the rack. I can't even fathom what that is like. :( I've never known it. Ever. I'm scared that even after this, I won't. Maybe I never will. I have to try. For my children, my family, and most importantly, for myself. I need to do all I can. 12 months is going to be a long wait.

Sad

2011-09-22T16:49:00.004+10:00

Firstly, the happy thoughts worked, mums post surgery results came back clear. I cannot describe the relief!!! Apologies for the lack of blog, no excuse either. Just being a Mum :)

I have to write tonight, though. I'm sad, and I am angry and I am frustrated. This is the reason why. Troy Anthony Davis was executed today. I get this awful sense of panic and fear and horror when I think about the death penalty. It's just so awful. In any case. In cases of innocence, it's abhorrent.

It distresses me. I read some good quotes today I wanted to share.

"You can say they deserve to die, but the key moral question is 'Do we deserve to kill?'" -- Helen Prejean

"To take a life when a life has been lost is revenge, not justice." - Desmond Tutu

Australia stopped capital punishment in 1967 when Ronald Ryan was hung. What's even better, and you may not realise this, but just last year, federal legislation was passed prohibiting capital punishment in every state and territory. It makes me proud to be Australian. Imagine living in the US, wrong place, wrong time, and wrongly accused... and you're killed for it.

How can taking away a life make up for one lost? Doesn't bring them back. Doesn't teach any one anything. An eye for an eye is an old fashioned, outdated, and barbaric school of thought and it needs to stop. We need to put pressure on American government to spark change. This can't go on. It is, put plainly, wrong.

Happy thoughts?

2011-09-12T17:03:00.002+10:00

Tomorrow Mum is going in for her surgery. As you can read here, she had thought cancer was back, but apparently, it's not. The lump she had gone for is now gone, but they say that shouldn't be happening so soon after her surgery 2 years ago. So, they want to go in a take a look around and check everything is okay. I guess it is largely precautionary. Mum is happy for it to be happening and wanting the peace of mind anyway. She has really struggled with what went on the other week, it shook her terribly, I can't even imagine how it would have felt.

Anyway, so she goes in for surgery tomorrow morning. She will SMS or call me when she is out again. My auntie (her twin sister) just emailed asking if I was worried. I said no, then I said actually, yes. Mostly, because it just brings back the memories of her surgery for cancer. Of the hospital visits for chemotherapy and stuff. It is SO hard to tell myself THIS IS DIFFERENT. It just feels so similar.

Please keep her (and me!) in your thoughts tomorrow. I'll be nervous until I get the all clear call. Whilst results will take a while to come through, if anything untoward IS found, she will find out right away. It'll be okay. I know it.

September 11.

2011-09-11T08:01:00.000+10:00

WTC1 new Tower construction, May 2011.

Quick warning: There is some graphic content in this post.

Can you believe ten years have passed since the world changed forever? I can't. We all know where we were when it all went down. I was 23, working as a counselling supervisor with Lifeline. It was late at night, Australian time, I was on the phone to a friend and watched the plane hit, but didn't register that it wasn't just a movie. J came in and said "it's the pentagon too, this is huge." I still didn't really register. I watched the news for a while before going to sleep, I had a plane to catch early the next morning for work, to Canberra for Lifeline's annual conference. The airport was like nothing I had ever seen before, nor since. It was SO quiet. So sombre. There were televisions on and all had CNN live streaming. It was sort of scary to board a plane and head for Australia's capital city. At that point there were predictions of all kinds of terror on western society.

In the years that have passed since, I have been morbidly fascinated with events from the day. I have read every book I can find on it, watched many documentaries and accessed endless internet articles, videos and photos. Recently, I watched a documentary interview with some survivors, ten years on. What fascinated me more than the stories of escape and horror ("I crawled over a man with no head, just a spinal column sticking out 3-4 inches from his neck" and from someone at the Pentagon - "there were body parts floating in the water, I wanted to take them out, it was the only chance. A small hand floated past, there was nowhere to put it so I put it in my pocket. I was so angry...") but more than that was how they were affected in the time since. Nightmares, reliving certain scenes, one man said he couldn't cope in confined spaces, and still struggled to go to a movie theatre.

In the time after 9/11 but before having children, I seriously considered becoming a Critical Incident Stress Debriefer and working with first responders. I still sort of would like to... But it's unlikely. Hearing these stories made me think about it. I cannot comprehend how people see these things, in real life, and continue living a normal life. How do you process it and carry that around forever? One survivor made my heart ache when he said "living with it is my penance for surviving when others didn't." That made me so sad, that he feels guilty for his survival.

There's no doubt September 11 changed the 'safe' world we live in. It took away our innocence, and reminded us we are ALL potential targets. The horror and raw anger of it impacted everyone who has seen that footage. We all still feel emotional about that day, to some extent. Even those of us a world away. Those lives will never be forgotten. Those that saved the final target, and took the plane down in Shanksville, heroes is an overused word, but this was true heroism.

In May of this year, I went to New York City. My first stop was the World Trade Centre and the memorial. The new memorial was obviously not opened, but I could see it under construction, along with the new WTC1 Tower. I wandered through the memorial across the road. Saw the photos, read the stories, saw remnants of steel, uniforms, and personal effects that had been recovered. I was emotional. So many names. Given how much I had read and watched about the day, I thought I would have some sort of grasp after going to the site, but I didn't. It still didn't seem real. I don't think it ever will. (edit: I dreamt I was there last night, considered not publishing this post, felt wrong using the graphic details. But, it's real. Pretending it didn't happen, doesn't make it not so).

How religion fits into all of this is a topic for another post, but today is for remembering.

The Meaning of Friendship

2011-09-05T09:41:00.005+10:00

Do you ever have moments where something that should be obvious, hits you like a truck? Things that people might say in one way or another over time, that you might have even heard before, for whatever reason makes more of an impact out of the blue? I had this happen to me twice this week, and I wanted to share it.

Firstly, my gorgeous friend, Nat. I admire Nat for about a billion different reasons. She's beautiful, smart, she's a loving wife and mother, and she is a true friend. In response to my blog yesterday about Fathers Day and the week that was, Nat sent me this tweet:

I can't tell you why it had such impact. Something about seeing myself the way she does. Wouldn't that be a fantastic way to live life? And why can't I see the me that she sees?? Why can't I appreciate myself the same way Nat does? It made me feel good, but it was also the kick I needed to stop and say, 'hang on a minute, why DON'T I see that?' I'm really lucky to have people to open my eyes for me, thank you, sweet Nat xx

The second was another tweet. This time from the precious Cat. Cat is a sweetheart, she is vulnerable, and generous, and really insightful. She 'gets' the big picture when most don't, in a myriad of examples. Cat is a few short weeks away from one hard earned experience of motherhood. She has tenacity and spirit that I adore. I am so excited to see her reach such a longed for moment. Last night, she was protective and defensive of me. She had my back. She was looking out for me, and when I thanked her for it, she replied with this tweet:

No earth shattering revelation, right? But it was. For me, it was. Because I thought, 'yes, I absolutely would' - in a heartbeat. But I didn't realise that other people knew that. I didn't grasp that my friendship was appreciated and recognised and my loyalty was known. It meant so much to me, I really felt valued in that tweet. Thank you so much, Cat, for making me feel so appreciated and valued. I value you, too.

So whatever else might feel bad today, whatever else doesn't feel good, whatever feelings are hurt, these are the moments I focus on, because these are the moments that make my heart happy. Thank you, universe, for giving me these girls as my friends. /LOVE.

Happy Fathers Day

2011-09-04T16:29:00.003+10:00

Today is fathers day. I've done my best to make sure the kids Dad was spoiled and looked after, not sure if I succeeded or not, though.

It's been a while since I last blogged. A lot has happened.

On Monday night, I went to see Anberlin in concert. It was a 26 song set. HUGE. Such a freaking awesome show, really enjoyed myself, loved it. I wanted to go again! What's great is they recorded a DVD at the show so I'll be able to experience it again and again in time!

Mum watched the kids, she seemed fine, maybe slightly distracted. There is no way in hell I'd have guessed she was told that morning that her cancer was back. No way. And stupid me waffled on about it being her 2 year cancer free anniversary. Facepalm. I am retelling this casually, because as it turns out, her cancer is NOT back. How can such a mistake be made? What happened was that she found another breast lump and went to the oncologist who ordered a biopsy, bone scan and CAT scan, and told her the cancer was back and she would need to make an appointment with the surgeon for a mastectomy. She mentioned this to NO ONE. Not even my Dad until the next night. She was certain this was it, and her number was up. How utterly terrifying. The oncologist seems to have assumed her lump was the cancer returning. What the hell?? It was not until THURSDAY, that's a whole 4 days later, that she went to see the surgeon who looked at the biopsy results and could see NO SIGNS OF CANCER. Her bone and CAT scans were also clear. He believed the lump was a blood blistery thing but wants to open it up and check to make sure. But no, its NOT cancer. I had been trying to call her Thursday morning and been unable to get on to her. I was immediately worried, as I knew she was having the scan (I assumed it was part of the end of 2 years cancer free deal), and was worried she had had bad news. Anyway, I finally got hold of her and she said "I was told on Monday my cancer was back and I've only just found out it's not. I'm a blithering mess. Can I call you back soon?" I calmly and reassuringly said of course, no problem, all good. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. It was such a fright, even knowing it wasn't so. I know she didn't mention it in order to protect me, but I wish she hadn't carried it alone too.

Anyway, its taking her some time to get over the shock and fear. I honestly cannot imagine what that must have been like for her. Hell. Absolute hell. I could kick that oncologist fair in the shins. I am encouraging her to write a letter of complaint, not for any outcome than to feel shes worth standing up for and saying "hey, this was NOT okay to put me through." It took me a day or so to get over my own tears and wobbliness of it, I imagine it will take her some time yet.

On that same Thursday, I went to see my doctor about my holter monitor results, and was told they were not yet back. She called the place that reviews them and asked for it to be made priority and said she would call me that afternoon - or 2 days later as she had a day off. I just wanted an answer :(

I called on Friday and the nurse said she couldn't tell me as she wasn't qualified too - which only worried me more. Agai with my fear taking hold. I really am unsure how to work on it. Anyway, at 9am Saturday morning when I was half way through my 7km walk, my doctor called to tell me that I am okay. I have what is called ectopic beats. Apparently 20% of the population have them, the heart beats an extra beat and its made worse by things like stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, caffeine etc. No treatment is required and they are harmless. I was relieved. Whilst they are unpleasant to experience, at least I don't need to be worried by them. It's a huge relief.

So that catches you up on my week. It was a doozy. I really hope this week is far more boring. Boring is good.

Insecurity

2011-08-29T07:45:00.004+10:00

I'm insecure. Seriously. In a big, big, way. There are lots of reasons for this, I could likely trace them back a long way, but it's mostly adult experiences that have led me to be this way. It's an awful feeling. It invites paranoia, low self-esteem, and sadness. It's full of fear.

Fear is the worst emotion a human being can feel, in my opinion. It's so invasive. I think that every negative feeling and emotion we experience can always be traced back to fear. One way or another. How do you fight fear?

I recently read a book written by Brené Brown, called The Gifts of Imperfection. It was such a brilliant book, so much that I thought I was alone in thinking, I discovered I wasn't. I quote - "Most of us have experienced being on the edge of joy only to be overcome by vulnerability and thrown into fear. Until we can tolerate vulnerability and transform it into gratitude, intense feelings of love will often bring up the fear of loss."

It just spoke to me. I yesterday ordered this book. I always shunned the entire self help industry and felt it was for pathetic types. How fitting a lesson that I turn to it myself now, but I need to work on this. My issues of trust, insecurity and most of all, fear, need to be worked on and erased for good. I don't want to live in fear anymore.

Saturday happy

2011-08-27T19:07:00.005+10:00

Today was a good day. I was feeling good for having written a nice 1000w+ chunk last night, writing also grounds me. And this morning, I had some great time alone with my boy; a rarity these days, but RJ was with her dad. He and I went to a farmers market 30 minutes away, and had a lovely time wandering around sampling produce, buying goodies, and listening to the busker. Then we grabbed some groceries that we needed aside from the market fare, and went home. We made chocolate truffles together - so yum!! And then we did some science experiments from a book he got for his birthday. Just quality time together. I hadn't realised just how much I missed it.

Then a true deep and meaningful chat with the man-face that just made me feel connected and understood, and mostly, loved. I like being content this way. It's such a nice feeling.

We had a yummy organic produce dinner, and followed it with a chocolate, rum and raisin pudding from Puds, along with their mocha chocolate sauce. HEAVENLY. Seriously, chek their range and drool. So freaking good. So, not too shockingly, I am feeling satisfied and warm and happy. Long may it last!

What a day.

2011-08-25T18:32:00.003+10:00

Shitty day today. Of course, I had the monitor on this morning still, so couldn't shower until midday, which sucked. I took Finn to school and his teacher pulled me aside to tell me he cries most days, with no explanation. It's getting more frequent, and he doesn't play with anyone in breaks. Nor does he like participating in class unless she directly asks him to. I was heartbroken. My boy is so unhappy at school. Why?? I got in the car and cried. I feel like a failure. I know that he is not confident, is a perfectionist, shy and solitary. This is who he is. In his comfort zone he is happy and smart and witty. I don't know how to help. Creating more opportunities for successes, building his self confidence as best I can. I do this now, I'm not sure how to make it more. I talked to him and nothing is upsetting, bothering, worrying or angering him. I feel so sad. Any ideas how to help him feel more secure, less lonely, and more confident in school?

After that, I went to get the monitor off, and was told I would have to wait a WEEK for results. So stressful. I just want to know if its serious or not :( A week is going to be a long time with the palpitations still frequent. I did get some on the monitor so hopefully they can see it and decide if it is the worrying kind or not. I am told if it is, they'll call sooner but it's a stressful wait.

Then the tape that held the electrodes on left red welts all over me. Awesome.

I just want to go to bed and hide.

Heart stuff

2011-08-24T12:49:00.002+10:00

So I got all hooked up to the little device today. Answers are coming, I hope. Only now that I am hooked up, the palps have eased. WTF???? Beyond frustrating. Still, I've 21h to go yet, so surely it can't be that weird?!

Finding my om in the face of frustration

2011-08-23T06:58:00.002+10:00

So I called the doctors again, in the hope of getting something over the phone since I have to go in so many times this week for the monitor. The nurse tells me my bloods are fine. "Are you sure? I was told to come in!" I said. She put me on hold and checked with my doctor again, who said she was happy with them. Argh! I guess they had not been doctor checked before. Maybe something was slightly off, but obviously nothing to come in over, after all. Frustrated. So now I have no answer at all. I go get the monitor tomorrow. My instinct tells me its related to the injury I had that went on for weeks... I may need an osteo or something. We'll rule out the heart as the problem first and go from there. Gah. Back to the drawing board.

This quote from Tiny Buddha was especially apt this morning: "Today if you feel limited by your fear, remember: You can assume the worst and allow that to keep you paralyzed, or you can decide to stop wasting your energy analyzing evidence, and focus instead of creating possibilities."

I am going to use that as my mantra today. It's going to be a good day. I am seeing my mum for morning tea, and a friend I've not seen in some time for afternoon tea. Perfection. And? The sun is STILL out! Bliss!!!

Tell me why?

2011-08-22T08:17:00.004+10:00

I don't like Mondays... I want to shoot... the whole day down.

Ugh. Monday. And a busy week awaits me. I have RJs dance class this morning, and I have a doctors appointment tonight, since my blood tests have shown something. Of course, they can't tell me what that something is over the phone, so I am left to worry until I get in there and find out. WHAT FUN.

Tomorrow I am supposed to be catching up both with mum and a friend I haven't seen in ages. Wednesday and Thursday are heart monitor days. Friday I am setting aside for sitting on my arse!!!!

I am finding my anxiety is worse in the morning as I struggle to get moving for the day, and to get into the swing of things. It's difficult to force myself to do what needs to be done for the day. I just want to go back to bed! If only it were an option!

Well, at least the sun is shining, that's always a mood improver. I'll keep you posted on the results from the doctor, I am hoping it's something as simple as low iron. Please. :S

Todays happy.

2011-08-19T09:26:00.004+10:00

He booked his ticket. He's coming to Australia! YAY!!!!

Hook Me Up

2011-08-18T16:46:00.003+10:00

For a couple of months now I have had heart palpitations on and off. A few weeks back, I was hooked to an ECG which caught them and the doctor assured me they weren't serious, but likely related to a cough I had had, and anxiety. They went away for a bit, but now they are back again. The most likely cause is anxiety, but I went back to the doctor to make sure. This doctor is far more thorough than the last and I had blood taken (thyroid, FBE etc) since those being off kilter can cause palps, and she's ordered me to wear a holter monitor for 24 hours next Wednesday.

This makes me nervous. She said that my heartbeat sounded regular, my BP was fine and pulse wasnt too fast so she isn't concerned and offered to treat the anxiety, but I decided doing this first made sense. The upside is I'll have a definite answer. Serious stuff ruled out once and for all, or, a diagnosis and a way to correct whatever's going on.

I won't lie, I'm kinda nervous about all this, but my anxiety makes me nervous about this stuff anyway. I am glad I will be getting to the bottom of it. Onward!

Feeling blue.

2011-08-16T06:30:00.001+10:00

I could really use a hug.

Define: Intense

2011-08-15T07:50:00.005+10:00

adjective /inˈtens/ ; (of a person) Feeling, or apt to feel, strong emotion; extremely earnest or serious.

And that's what this weekend was.

So much emotion, anger, hurt... It was a doozy. On the upside, it's done with now and it's time for healing. Taking risks on someone is scary. When they fall, it can be painful as hell. How many risks do you take for a heart? Apparently, one more. I hope it is worth it. I hope I am not an idiot for it. I'm still confused and uncertain to be honest. Time will tell.

Staying motivated.

2011-08-12T07:46:00.000+10:00

I wrote this on July 23rd last year, and I need to read it often to stay inspired.

I have direction, and I have it clearly and firmly.
The presenter at the seminar on Wednesday said something that I really got a lot from: constantly starting new projects is an act of fear. Fear of finishing something, and the imperfection it will be. She said accept imperfection and FINISH IT. First drafts, are by nature, imperfect. She said that so many talented writers never get a book written because of exactly this. It really hit me. I can see myself in that.
I keep starting new and shorter things, putting off finishing my novel. So, thats it. My short story is ready to be submitted at the last few places I intend to send it, and now I am going to go back to the fiction I wrote during my Masters, and complete it to novel length. This weekend, I am going to sit down with it and work out a chapter plan (her advice again, and me being a list lover, totally me!) and set myself a writing goal of words per week. It is time to be firm with myself and push through. Even if it is terrible. That’s what editing and further drafts are for.
I thought about why I have put it off, and I realised that when I wrote it, I had some intense things going on in my life – an IVF pregnancy, and my mother’s breast cancer and subsequent surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. As a result, I have not only linked the emotions of that time to the writing, but nor did it end up reflecting my original vision for it. I was not as dedicated to it as I wanted to be, because of those things. Now, I can be. Now I can inject my everything into it, and bring it back to that vision. I still believe in the story, and am absolutely certain of its potential, and my ability to reach it completely.

The story behind 'Emancipated.'

2011-08-11T07:39:00.003+10:00

I wanted to talk a little about why I wrote Emancipated, and why it was such a powerful and important piece to me.
As someone who experienced infertility and the traumas of assisted conception first hand, the hardest part of the entire process was always managing the negative emotions that went with it. I managed to form a circle of friends all of whom were facing infertility problems of varying degrees, and I became aware that all of us were feeling these same emotions and having these same thoughts, and we all carried enormous guilt for them. Any time that we voiced them, we were ‘bitter’ or ‘jealous’ and it really made the entire thing so much harder to cope with.
It is important to me that we acknowledge these thoughts and emotions of negativity and accept them, with an understanding of where they come from and why they exist. They don’t make us monsters, they are understandable and valid experiences. The more people I was able to get this message through to, the better – and as a result, the more I heard from women feeling the same who were able to say “thank god I am not alone, thank god someone has said it’s okay to feel the way that I do about this…”

Emancipated is included in my ebook, The Result of Coercion.

A holiday with a BFF.

2011-08-09T16:43:00.003+10:00

Doesn't that look beautiful? That's where my friend, Fleur, and I are headed to start 2012. In January we are flying out of Melbs and heading northward to sit on an island beach drinking cocktails and relaxing our bones. We might check out some great barrier reef and Island hop whilst we are there...

I went away with Fleur last year for Sydney palooza, she's an easy holiday mate to have. I know we get along well enough to enjoy 5 nights together quite blissfully. Have you ever holidayed with friends? Where did you go? I reckon its a bonding thing too. You always come home from shared experiences with a tighter connection. Bonus! And as you know, she is one of my besties, so I can't wait to chill with her and bliss out!

We booked our stay today, got a great bargain price, so lucky! I can't wait! SQUEE!!!!!

Happy 8th Birthday, Finn

2011-08-08T07:07:00.001+10:00

I cannot believe 8 years has passed since I became a mother. How amazing is this experience? I feel so lucky that I can be a mother, and moreso, that I can be a mother to the amazing children I have.

Finn is a special kid. He has the mind of an adult, often. Which confuses his 8 year old mind to no end at times, I think. He is so compassionate, so empathetic, so kind and generous and giving. Often to his own detriment, but he doesn't care. He just wants people to be happy.

He is everything I hoped and more as a big brother to RJ. He dotes on her, loves her, and is proud of her. It makes me glow with happiness to see how he teaches her and looks out for her always.

He is fiercely smart. He has a brain for maths and science that I can't rival, and he reads way ahead of the norm. He wants to invent things, he wants to solve problems, and he wants to do it all wearing a superhero cape.

I am so proud of the boy he is. So proud of the personality, and the intelligence he possesses. My wish is that he can be proud of it too, he can be such a perfectionist, he always demands more from himself.

My darling heart, I cannot believe you are 8. You are my world now, as much as you were when you came into the world 8 years ago. I am so proud to be your Mama. I love watching you grow, learn and develop. When I went to America, I talked to you about our "invisible string" it attaches our hearts, and can lengthen and retract depending on our distance apart. It's unbreakable. It always will be, even when you're 16 and trying to shred it ;) I'm always with you, and always proud of you. I love you my mooey. No matter what.

Bloggy reading

2011-08-07T08:20:00.003+10:00

Have you checked out my blog roll? There are some pretty awesome blogs in there. Some amazing people with great stories to tell. From each, you find yourself drawn in by their recommendations too, and into a world of bloggy goodness. Check em out!

It Gets Better

2011-08-06T11:26:00.002+10:00

This has been shared a lot lately over fb and twitter, its emotional. Gotta get that message out. /love.

http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

Holidays!

2011-08-05T08:02:00.004+10:00

I am currently trying to plan my next holiday. As you are aware if you read me often, I tend to make a habit lately, of taking off with 2 of my best mates for long weekends of indulgence and drunken silliness. We're planning another trip, but not until January, because Fleur is headed to Europe with her hubby in less than 8 weeks, lucky devil!!! So we are talking City V Island adventures at the moment, both hold definite appeal. Which would you choose? Either way, there is bound to be a lot of relaxation, good food, and cocktails.

Aside from that, I want to plan my own holiday. I'm in a bit of a bind though. I have an outside chance of a fairly decent holiday early next year to Europe, but it may not come through. If not there is still a good likelihood of a mini solo trip overseas sometime next year. I'm thinking maybe Italy or France. Bliss.

On top of that, I would really like to take the kids away again. Last year we went to QLD, this year somewhere different. I want to show them out country bit by bit, state by state. Tourist destination by tourist destination. Giant banana by giant shrimp. You get the idea.

In summary, I need to win the lotto. :/

Office revamp

2011-08-04T08:40:00.008+10:00

My office needs a revamp. It's such a lovely space, yet I am not utilising it. I need to, and I need to "go to work" in there every day as though I were employed. It's a shambles at the moment. I am going to post some before photos, and then try to sort it out and get some ideas from all of you to transform it to some after photos I'll also take.

A note, the bed frame for my 4 post bed has to stay there, it doesn't fit up the stairs on in my funny shaped bedroom in this house (sob) and I refuse to put it out in the shed, so it has to stay. Anything else is negotiable, although, I kinda need the desk and chair ;)

My world map with colored pins for where I have been, and where I want to go, used to be on a cork board, but I thought I could make the corkboard some sort of inspiration board type thing with quotes, pictures and stuff that inspires me. Whatever that is.

Anyhoo. TMI. Here are my before photos, now what am I gonna do in here? Interior design wannabes HAAALLLPPP!!!!!!

Photo 1: bookshelf, old mini desk, pram (!?), and general crap...

Photo 2: My mess of a desk. Travel plan map, more general crap.

Photo 3: The other side of the room (opposite the 2 windows and bed frame). There are 2 cupboards for storage (also need sorting out); and the mantle over the fireplace which has Hendrix's ashes, and Keven's collar and their food bowls. My wee tribute to them. Oh, my masters is stuffed back there too. :/

Dreams

2011-08-03T10:09:00.011+10:00

How freaking weird are dreams? People who've known me for some time, will know that I often have very vivid, and often violent dreams. I've gone from fearing them, to being fascinated by them. Admittedly, I am still affected by the super bad ones, it's impossible not to be. I always want to use them for writing fodder, but so far, I haven't been able to capture them in the same vivid and realistic way I dream them. It's very frustrating.

I take notes on my phone when I wake in the night, I thought I'd share them with you for a chuckle (or a scream!)

A cult you can't escape, the murdered girls feet cut off and used as art on the wall serve as a warning for what happens to those that try to escape. Bloodied footprints appear down the hall, she walks among them still. Etc.

Every year a girl re-lives her date rape beating. She tries to stop the cycle of repetition by telling her friends the times and places so they can prevent it this time. Each year it changes by a small detail.

A flood is wreaking havoc. A new journo asks the premier at a press conference - "How will we know when the rain stops?" the premier looks dumbfounded and replies "what the hell? Look out the window!? Is that really the question you meant to ask??" "Err, no your honor (facepalm). It's just my first day..." And my last.

A school group is trudging through drains to an unknown destination. Familiar places look different. Is it a parallel world? A guy with a laser gun fries someones head off for getting out of line. They hand out immunity cards to a lucky few. They begin separating boys and girls. I make a boy go in my place, claiming he is a girl, I try to escape before the next car comes to take us who knows where? It's nowhere good.

"Like" a serial killers facebook page... and he comes visiting.

Hospital infections turn faces green. We learned their secret, now they are after us. A friend sacrifices herself so we can escape. we see the circular saw start as she shoves us out of the room, then we see the blood splatters across the door... and we run.

Evil spirits are following me, they right on the window in blood. Words like "gullible" and "useless" and "I'm coming" - I write back in the fogged up window - 'wanker' and everyone freaks that I am asking for it. I feel the spirit wrap around me and at first it tickles, then it tightens and it constricts my breathing. it chases me around the house. I try to shut it out, it pushes me off balance and shoves me around. It feels awful, and inescapable. Makes me anxious and panicked.

Hmm. Kind of a scary look into my mind. I'll have a psych team at my door any moment now! teehee!

Photo credit

What weekend??

2011-08-01T12:45:00.003+10:00

It's Monday. Apparently, I just had a weekend, but I swear I was robbed of it. I went and saw the final Harry Potter movie, Deathly Hallows 2, with my sister on Saturday and when I got back, my son had a friend over for the night - and I discovered he was there until 3pm Sunday. 3pm!! Good bye weekend!!! I took them both to Scienceworks on Sunday but the kid was not collected until 4pm, so my weekend was shot to hell. Kinda frustrating, there was stuff I wanted to do. And next weekend is hectic as well, because it is Finn's birthday party on Sunday. Gah! At least he is enjoying himself!

I am loving how the poll is going here. Young adult writing is in the lead by a decent margin. I am interested in that, I think I have a fairly good voice for YA fiction, so I am looking forward to seeing what I can come up with from it! The Ebook has sold a few copies, but nothing astounding. Still, I am glad I could share it with those that were interested. Thank you to those who have shown me support, I truly am grateful and inspired to push on as a result.

I will keep writing and I will get better, and I will have success. I can feel it!

A little bit of fun

2011-07-29T08:21:00.004+10:00

I have added a poll over to the left top of my page. I'll take it down in a week. For now, I want you to help me decide what to write about next. I have ideas for most of the opposite, but I can't decide which I feel most compelled to write. I am especially interested in hearing opinions from those who have read my ebook and know my style and voice.

A young adult piece with a strong female character (none of these sulky twihards), a love story full of passion and heart, something set in the past, maybe encompassing a few elements, or something with grit and fear at its centre. Let me know what you think. If there is a decent response, I'll go for it.

More Ebook news

2011-07-28T16:26:00.003+10:00

So, since I launched my ebook on amazon, I've had some fantastic feedback. Most feel the emotion in my writing strongly, which is really a good feeling as a writer, to affect. That is my entire goal, it's good to know I am achieving it. I got to tired of reading, re reading, editing, re writing the same pieces that by the time I hit publish, none of them appealed to me personally anymore. A little space from them will be good for me, so I can love them again in the future. It's scary putting your work out there like that. Knowing people will read it and likely forever think differently of you, good or bad, one way or another. It's scary putting something you agonize over in the public arena for critique. But it is also empowering and exciting. I definitely felt a thrill seeing my name up there as Author.

Thank you for all the feedback. Again, I have yet to work on a one click paypal download order. If you would like to get a copy and don't have amazon (kindle or iphone/android apps), then by all means send me an email at feistykel@gmail.com and I can invoice you $4.70AUD via paypal and send you the download manually once payment is received. In the meantime, I am continuing to write a longer novel. I keep finding myself starting new projects and not finishing others. It's time to get disciplined!

Happy reading :)

Gardening for kids

2011-07-27T09:14:00.000+10:00

So, inspired by one of my lovely friends, I've decided to get the kids into some vegetable gardening. I'm thinking a few planter boxes and/or pots, easy and small to start with. Finn is currently into this at school. Each class at his school started a compost bin, worm farm, and took responsibility for planting a different vegetable each. So he is inspired, and keen to teach me all he knows! We sat down tonight and made a list of vegetables he wants to grow:

* Capsicum (bell peppers)
* Spring Onions
* Carrots
* Lettuce
* Tomatoes
* Snow peas
* Strawberries

Quite the summer salad we'd have there! I think I may do some herbs as well. So, I am drawing up some plans for a planter box garden, I think RJ will get the watering can job, which she will love. I'll keep you posted on our progress!

Meet 4 of my closest friends

2011-07-26T09:38:00.000+10:00

Watch any popular movie or TV soap, and you'll soon realise we women are supposed to have a circle of close friends that we see regularly, and can tell anything to. We are supposed to shop with them, party with them, and entrust everything to them.

But how many of us actually have those friends in reality? Until recently, I had friends, but not the inner circle I have now. It takes a lot of trust and courage to be able to let people that close. I wish I had done it long ago. it's the best thing I ever did. I have so many wonderful friends. Some I see often, some only online. They are all supportive, and love me for me. I am extremely lucky. I also have a few that I see often, and that know all my secrets. Let me tell you about my inner circle.

Megs.

I first met Megan in about 2005, she was just marrying her partner, Andrew, and was keen to start a family. I had Finn, and she and I bonded over parenting. I always kept a degree of distance, I'm not even sure why. But when my marriage faced imminent breakdown, I let her in and told her everything. She was supportive. She never judged. She just cared. 6 years later, I am godmother to her 4 gorgeous sons, and we have girly best friend dates where we see movies, or share a meal, or go for a walk. We are inseparable, and so alike in so many ways.

Fleur.

I met Fleur a while back, must have been around 2007 ish. We were friends for years, but we never really spent large amounts of time together. That all changed around 18 months ago, when we somehow broke the pattern of a more distant friendship, and became closer. We share secrets, confidences, and let me tell you, you fuck with one of us, you fuck with both of us. I'm protective of Fleur. I can't tell you why, god knows she can fight her own battles. I think she is more sensitive a soul than she lets on sometimes. She's inspiring, and she's a fuckton of fun. And boy can she party. Paloozas would not be paloozas without our Fleurbie!!

Annabel.

Anna I met less than 15 months ago. Now part of the party pack, she is another of my closest friends that I love to see as often as possible. Anna is a sweetheart, I love going out with Anna because she has such a free and happy spirit. She dances with wild abandon, and she has confidence I envy. You need a job done, Anna will get it done. She is loyal, and generous and I am so glad that we became friends!

Christie.

Christie is different. I've only ever seen her face in person once. She lives on the other side of the world, yet her friendship is as important to me as if I saw her daily. In fact, I do, in a way. I email her almost every single day. I tell her every thought, every insecurity, and every achievement. I regard Christie as a teacher of sorts. From her, I have learned to be a stronger woman. I have gained more self confidence, and I have learned about relationships, communication, and happiness from within. She inspires me. And I will continue to nag her to put together a Vegan cook book. Food so good you don't even notice meat missing. So much yum! She is a smart cookie. I'd be a bit lost without her, that's for sure.

I am so grateful for these friendships. But beyond the close intimate ones, I am grateful for the words of support that come from a tweet, an email or a text. That will pick me up with a kind word when I have a bad day. These friends I may not see often, I may not contact daily, but every one of them is valued and treasured. I really feel lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life.

Random thoughts on our young women/ Challenging the stereotype of drunken men.

2011-07-25T20:51:00.001+10:00

What's up with the young women of today? You go into the childrens clothing section of any major department store and for girls as young as 5 and 6 there are mini skirts and navel flashing shirts. Really?? Do we really need to sexualise them so young? I know I sound old saying this... but, when *I* was a preteen, holding hands and peck kisses were a massive deal. We weren't skanky and trying to win the approval of guys in skimpy clothes and promises of sexual attention. What is going on??

In fact, this growing notion of disempowerment in favor of male approval infiltrates so many areas of pop culture that it's no wonder young women behave this way more often. I read the Twilight series. I read a similar series recently, minus vampires, add in angels. In both of these, the female protagonist is a simpering, ditzy, twit, who will give up her own beliefs, wants and strength, all "for love." Seriously? Where the hell are strong female young women who tell a guy that does them wrong to bugger off? Who have chutzpah and self respect and value themselves?? I worry about raising a daughter in our current society. I hope that she has more guts than the common portrayal of a 'popular' and/or loved teenager.

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Whilst I am on stereotypes and the like, I wanted to challenge one. What do you think of when you imagine a drunk guy? Do you think creepy, sleazy, violent or gross?? That's what we are led to think right? That's the common image presented to us by media most of the time.

I disagree. Strongly. Every time my friends and I have had a night on the town in the last year, we have encountered a huge number of drunk guys. None of us have ever found them to be anything other than friendly, fun, and happy. I went out last Saturday night, I spoke to a few drunk guys and had some good chats. Many others would courteously allow me past with a smile and a step back. Some would randomly hug me without speaking a word as they made their way through the crowd. Clearly drunken behaviour, but lovely all the same. Those who flirted did so without being pushy or rude. When we left, a group of guys gave up their cab so that we could put our drunken friend in first and get her home safely. That's gentlemanly. It's generous and its kind. It gives me hope. Give the 'drunk guy' label a change. I think it's surprisingly and happily wrong in most cases.

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What do you think of these issues? Let me know with a comment.

Ebook

2011-07-25T08:43:00.002+10:00

Hi all, the ebook is now available to purchase for kindle, or on your amazon for iphone/android/blackberry apps. I hope you enjoy the stories, I'd love to hear your feedback on any you enjoy (and those you didn't!) I'm working on a download via paypal, but it's taking some time for my non html inclined brain. ASAP I will let you know when that option is working.

Here's the link to The Result Of Coercion.

Happy reading!

My Mum

2011-07-20T13:57:00.006+10:00

Do you ever have moments - morbid ones - where you think... What the hell am I going to do if/when I lose my Mum? Or is that just me being morbid? (almost certainly).

Thing is, my Mum is a best friend. I tell her everything. Literally everything. Even the TMI stuff. She 'gets me' in a way that no one else on earth gets me. I can be all kinds of versions of myself with her and she accepts them all, good, bad, ugly, beautiful and loves me anyway. No matter what evil I have done.

This is not a given for any mother. Some mothers do not deserve their title. Some mothers don't know their children at all, let alone how their brains tick. Some are abusive. Some are just awful. My Mum never really had a good mother herself. She didn't learn from a role model how to be a good Mum. She made it up as she went along. And she did it brilliantly. People often tell me I am a good Mum and they admire my parenting. It's credit to her. I had that good model.

She knows how to handle me when I am anxious, when I am sad, when I am happy. And when I am sick or sad, I still, even at 33, think to myself... "I want my Mum" :( I remember feeling that way at 8, in the sick bay at school, and I'd hear the familiar jingle of her keys and see her familiar shoes pass by the window with its blind half down and I'd feel this enormous sense of "ahhh it'll be okay now."

I remember walking around in her hot pink high heels that I just LOVED, when I was around the same age, and hoping that some day, I'd be a mother as good as her. I've not managed it yet, but there's still time.

Every bedtime, she would always leave the room saying quietly, "Mummy loves..." I now say the same thing to my own babes each night. It feels special. She and RJ share their middle name, it's a little honour, but it never feels enough. What could?!

I'm not sure how I'd ever get by without her. I love you, Mum!

The puzzle of life

2011-07-10T15:58:00.003+10:00

I feel like all the pieces of my life puzzle are laid out in front of me. I know the end picture will be one of happiness, contentment, and peace. I can feel its within my grasp. I just need to work out how and where all the pieces fit and in what ratio.

Some days I get so frustrated by the pieces and trying to work out the combination to making them fall into place. Other days, I enjoy the exploration that it requires. I am trying to enjoy life in every moment, not just when the puzzle is complete. To enjoy DOING the puzzle, too.

I am going to make myself an inspiration cork board for my room. I need to see beauty every day, and things that bring me joy. It's all about the small stuff :)

photo credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/11165494

Blogging in the AUS

2011-07-05T08:08:00.004+10:00

"Use your blog to connect. Use it as you. Don't “network” or “promote.” Just talk. NEIL GAIMAN."

So, a few times I have made some half hearted ramble about how I blog for me, and I don't think I could do the "pro blogger" thing, but I've never really articulated what I was finding 'off' about the pro blogging world. Then I read this blog entry by one of my fave bloggers, Little Miss Moi. She nailed it. It's BORING!!! I don't want to read multiple product plugs. I don't want to read about competitions, networking and blogging conferences! I want to read about LIVES. I want to read about thoughts, ponderings, events in your real world!!!

I was so glad to read that it wasn't just me. I also think it's kinda boring to read solely about parenting (I know, GASP OF HORROR, I can't believe I said it 'out loud' either!) I mean, I adore being a Mum, I often blog about my kids or parenting. But there is more to Kelly than MAAAMAAA. I want to know all the facets that make you, you. What are your hopes, your dreams, your passions? Write about that, not the latest product you're peddling. PLEASE!!!!

Choosing Life, month 2

2011-07-01T16:02:00.004+10:00

As I mentioned close to a month ago in this entry, I planned a new outlook on my life. I've certainly been pretty self reflective this month. My blog entries have been kind of strange as a result. It's good though, because it's giving me the opportunity to track my thoughts and processes.

Two weeks ago, I spoke of setting goals, and I wanted to update on that. Given it's only been 7 weeks since I went overseas, there has been little progress on the travel plans. Sure has not stopped me dreaming, though. I also had an extremely talented friend, Emma, from Little Cherry Tree Designs (who designed this blog for me) take some of my travel snaps from my NYC visit and tinker with them. Next week, I am getting them enlarged and printed up for my walls. I cannot wait. This is one of the pics...

Love it. Great mementoes from the trip too. Each time I see the pics, I will be reminded of all those fabulous memories!

Writing, I have not written a word. Sigh. I don't know where to begin so I just don't begin. I need to choose ONE project, and complete it, regardless of any other ideas or doubts. I just need to do it, my greatest problem is motivation, I get overwhelmed and I just don't. I need to address this.

I did buy an enlarger and film camera off ebay, and will continue to stock up on dark room fittings until I have something usable. It's fun sourcing the items, and I need to take a class as well I think. I need to take a class on this, language classes, and dog training classes... Need more time!

I have been making plans with friends, too. Gold class movies, wild alcohol fuelled nights, and seeing my favourite band are all in my near future.

Very slowly, I am getting a grip on what I need and want and getting it all in order. I feel like a child learning at the moment. Who knew I was such a stranger to myself?

A different person?

2011-06-27T20:24:00.003+10:00

I've heard it said many times: "I tell you what, I'm a different person to who I was ten years ago..."

I must admit, I never realized people actually meant it. I didn't grasp the extent to which it can be true. I was thinking back to the year 2000. I was 22, and I was planning my wedding. I was young, in love, naive, and content. I had no idea who I really was, no self awareness or identity. The toughest life moments were in my future. It was a carefree, trouble free life.

I've grown a lot since then. Experienced a heck of a lot, good and bad. I'm more aware. Ironically, I feel a lot less certain about my future. More lost in general. More disillusioned with life, love, and more unhappy and insecure. It's sad. I grieve for young and naive me. I'm sad her life hasn't turned out how she hoped and dreamed.

I know I'm capable though. In fact, I feel as though I'm on the precipice of good things. I feel like I'm learning major lessons and discovering things about myself that will change life again. No more waiting on some day. I'm grabbing my freedom and my willingness to learn and shoot forward and I'm going places. I create my own destiny and control my existence. These are exciting times. I'm not going to be under an illusion of happiness and freedom, like 22 year old Kelly. I'm actually going to BE happy and free. Truly.

I tell you what, I'm a different person to who I was ten years ago...

Me, Myself, I.

2011-06-27T07:44:00.002+10:00

I am so self reflective at the moment. I'm reading books that are making me really reassess how I view myself, and what I want in life. I'm spending time trying to change my thought patterns. I'm having varying success. I have terrible esteem, and so far I have found that even when I am validated externally, it doesn't tend to have lasting impact. As cliched as it is, it really does need to come from me. And I'm not sure I know how to make that happen or if it is even possible. Living with self hatred though, is not really a viable option either.

I'm going to turn into a self help freak. HALP.

My Happiness

2011-06-23T10:36:00.003+10:00

330am

2011-06-20T03:25:00.001+10:00

There are still nights that I lay here awake, terrified mums cancer might return. I wonder does that ever pass?

Emotion

2011-06-19T09:39:00.002+10:00

I have no emotional intelligence. If you've not heard of it, Emotional IQ can be measured, and whilst it's been some time since I tested, I ranked poorly then, and little has changed.

I've never been good at measuring and processing my emotions. I feel things so strongly, and it gets hard for me to react to them without allowing the feelings to take over. It can make life difficult at times.

In the past, this tendency to wear my emotions on my sleeve caused me no end of trouble when I was enduring infertility and all the emotions that go with it. I lost some friends because I would lash out when I was hurting. Thankfully, the friends that saw it through with me, knew why I lashed out, and didn't take it personally. They understood me. Those friends are invaluable, lifelong friends.

I'm thinking about this today because I am trying to temper some strong emotions at the moment. I've been hurt, and hurt makes me angry, as well as disappointed and protective. I must refrain from lashing out, I must temper the emotion. What do you do when someone has hurt you, fairly deliberately, and even though there is remorse, forgiveness is hard to find? It hurts, and I don't know where to put it.

Black blood

2011-06-16T06:45:00.000+10:00

A droplet.

Of evil.

Trickles.

Winter

2011-06-15T09:48:00.004+10:00

There is so much I love about Winter. Winter to me means hot chocolate, snuggly blankets, good books, and my favorite fashions (boots, scarves, hats...) Unfortunately, when it rolls around each year, I am reminded, that winter is.. well.. cold. REALLY cold. And here at the edge of the Great Dividing Range it's FREEZING. Well, as freezing as it gets without quite making snow. Shoosh. Whatever. I'm cold!

I'm also sick. I have the female version of man flu. I guess that'd be called woman flu, huh? I am whining and feeling very sorry for myself regularly. Still, despite all its flaws, winter is still my second favorite season after autumn. I have a box of hot chocolate. I have a slow cooker with a divine stew simmering on the stove, and seeing the naked trees through the foggy mist makes me smile. Nature is beautiful.

Am I alone in my winter love!?

Setting goals

2011-06-13T10:28:00.004+10:00

Way back in 2008, before IVF brought me my darling RJ, I had some goals. I called it my post IVF dream-scape. I think it is time to revist those.

Travel remains a high priority. I have made progress on this, certainly, and intend to add Europe as soon as possible.

Writing also needs more work. I have progressed, but I need to commit to it regularly. Like a job, I can't just do it when the mood strikes (or it won't get done).

Returning to language lessons. this is still a strong desire. Italian, or French? Italian is my love (and likely my next travel destination) but Finn is learning French so that'd be cool, too. Thoughts?

Post grad study... I was doing teaching. I'm considering deferring for a bit whilst I decide what I want to do for sure.

Cameras - I have mums old DSLR which is pretty awesome. It has a crack on the lens, though, which in certain lights, puts a smudge on photos.

I could totally do the dark room thing in this house. There is a funny cupboard under the stairs that would be perfect, though it's not ventilated, I am certain it is workable. This is something to investigate ASAP. I would LOVE to develop photos of my own!

Added to this list is spending more time with the kids and with my friends. This makes me happy.

Living a dream

2011-06-12T12:02:00.004+10:00

Eat, Pray, Love.
Bridges of Madison County.
How Stella got her Groove Back.
Julie and Julia.
Under the Tuscan Sun.

Just a few titles of movies about women having crises later in life. Uprooting their lives and doing something totally out of the norm. Maybe 33 is a little younger than the women in these plot-lines, but this is how I feel. I'm unhappy, restless, and trying to be positive. What I want is a total revamp. I want to live in Italy for a year, and write. I want to learn foreign languages and new skills. I want self discovery and experiences. It's obviously a common theme. I'm not alone, it's a rapidly growing topic in literature and film. Of course, that tends to be for those that take the leap and embrace the risk. I can't quite manage it, yet. Maybe that's why I am slightly below the usual age, I have to wait for the kids to grow up before I leap?

It makes sense that after broken relationships, and time spent on other people - children, family, etc. that women want to find themselves again. That they want to live a dream. What if you don't know what your dream is? How can you work toward it, then?

I can see how these films are successful. How exciting it would be to throw off the traditional, and the expected, and take a leap into something we all want to do, but few of us manage.

And, in the meantime, what do I do to fulfil the empty? To give myself a reason. To be ME. I keep travelling, I keep learning, and I keep striving to ignore that someday, and live in today. I work on what my dream is, I fine tune it, and I find ways to live it. Stubborn. Determined. I am rambling today. I'm not in a good state of mind. I am not happy, and I am not positive. Mostly, I feel lost. I guess my thoughts are too.