Insecurity

I'm insecure. Seriously. In a big, big, way. There are lots of reasons for this, I could likely trace them back a long way, but it's mostly adult experiences that have led me to be this way. It's an awful feeling. It invites paranoia, low self-esteem, and sadness. It's full of fear.

Fear is the worst emotion a human being can feel, in my opinion. It's so invasive. I think that every negative feeling and emotion we experience can always be traced back to fear. One way or another. How do you fight fear?

I recently read a book written by Brené Brown, called The Gifts of Imperfection. It was such a brilliant book, so much that I thought I was alone in thinking, I discovered I wasn't. I quote - "Most of us have experienced being on the edge of joy only to be overcome by vulnerability and thrown into fear. Until we can tolerate vulnerability and transform it into gratitude, intense feelings of love will often bring up the fear of loss."

It just spoke to me. I yesterday ordered this book. I always shunned the entire self help industry and felt it was for pathetic types. How fitting a lesson that I turn to it myself now, but I need to work on this. My issues of trust, insecurity and most of all, fear, need to be worked on and erased for good. I don't want to live in fear anymore.

Saturday happy

Today was a good day. I was feeling good for having written a nice 1000w+ chunk last night, writing also grounds me. And this morning, I had some great time alone with my boy; a rarity these days, but RJ was with her dad. He and I went to a farmers market 30 minutes away, and had a lovely time wandering around sampling produce, buying goodies, and listening to the busker. Then we grabbed some groceries that we needed aside from the market fare, and went home. We made chocolate truffles together - so yum!! And then we did some science experiments from a book he got for his birthday. Just quality time together. I hadn't realised just how much I missed it.

Then a true deep and meaningful chat with the man-face that just made me feel connected and understood, and mostly, loved. I like being content this way. It's such a nice feeling.

We had a yummy organic produce dinner, and followed it with a chocolate, rum and raisin pudding from Puds, along with their mocha chocolate sauce. HEAVENLY. Seriously, chek their range and drool. So freaking good. So, not too shockingly, I am feeling satisfied and warm and happy. Long may it last!

What a day.

Shitty day today. Of course, I had the monitor on this morning still, so couldn't shower until midday, which sucked. I took Finn to school and his teacher pulled me aside to tell me he cries most days, with no explanation. It's getting more frequent, and he doesn't play with anyone in breaks. Nor does he like participating in class unless she directly asks him to. I was heartbroken. My boy is so unhappy at school. Why?? I got in the car and cried. I feel like a failure. I know that he is not confident, is a perfectionist, shy and solitary. This is who he is. In his comfort zone he is happy and smart and witty. I don't know how to help. Creating more opportunities for successes, building his self confidence as best I can. I do this now, I'm not sure how to make it more. I talked to him and nothing is upsetting, bothering, worrying or angering him. I feel so sad. Any ideas how to help him feel more secure, less lonely, and more confident in school?

After that, I went to get the monitor off, and was told I would have to wait a WEEK for results. So stressful. I just want to know if its serious or not :( A week is going to be a long time with the palpitations still frequent. I did get some on the monitor so hopefully they can see it and decide if it is the worrying kind or not. I am told if it is, they'll call sooner but it's a stressful wait.

Then the tape that held the electrodes on left red welts all over me. Awesome.

I just want to go to bed and hide.

Heart stuff

So I got all hooked up to the little device today. Answers are coming, I hope. Only now that I am hooked up, the palps have eased. WTF???? Beyond frustrating. Still, I've 21h to go yet, so surely it can't be that weird?!

Finding my om in the face of frustration

So I called the doctors again, in the hope of getting something over the phone since I have to go in so many times this week for the monitor. The nurse tells me my bloods are fine. "Are you sure? I was told to come in!" I said. She put me on hold and checked with my doctor again, who said she was happy with them. Argh! I guess they had not been doctor checked before. Maybe something was slightly off, but obviously nothing to come in over, after all. Frustrated. So now I have no answer at all. I go get the monitor tomorrow. My instinct tells me its related to the injury I had that went on for weeks... I may need an osteo or something. We'll rule out the heart as the problem first and go from there. Gah. Back to the drawing board.

This quote from Tiny Buddha was especially apt this morning: "Today if you feel limited by your fear, remember: You can assume the worst and allow that to keep you paralyzed, or you can decide to stop wasting your energy analyzing evidence, and focus instead of creating possibilities."

I am going to use that as my mantra today. It's going to be a good day. I am seeing my mum for morning tea, and a friend I've not seen in some time for afternoon tea. Perfection. And? The sun is STILL out! Bliss!!!

Tell me why?

I don't like Mondays... I want to shoot... the whole day down.

Ugh. Monday. And a busy week awaits me. I have RJs dance class this morning, and I have a doctors appointment tonight, since my blood tests have shown something. Of course, they can't tell me what that something is over the phone, so I am left to worry until I get in there and find out. WHAT FUN.

Tomorrow I am supposed to be catching up both with mum and a friend I haven't seen in ages. Wednesday and Thursday are heart monitor days. Friday I am setting aside for sitting on my arse!!!!

I am finding my anxiety is worse in the morning as I struggle to get moving for the day, and to get into the swing of things. It's difficult to force myself to do what needs to be done for the day. I just want to go back to bed! If only it were an option!

Well, at least the sun is shining, that's always a mood improver. I'll keep you posted on the results from the doctor, I am hoping it's something as simple as low iron. Please. :S

Todays happy.

He booked his ticket. He's coming to Australia! YAY!!!!

Hook Me Up

For a couple of months now I have had heart palpitations on and off. A few weeks back, I was hooked to an ECG which caught them and the doctor assured me they weren't serious, but likely related to a cough I had had, and anxiety. They went away for a bit, but now they are back again. The most likely cause is anxiety, but I went back to the doctor to make sure. This doctor is far more thorough than the last and I had blood taken (thyroid, FBE etc) since those being off kilter can cause palps, and she's ordered me to wear a holter monitor for 24 hours next Wednesday.

This makes me nervous. She said that my heartbeat sounded regular, my BP was fine and pulse wasnt too fast so she isn't concerned and offered to treat the anxiety, but I decided doing this first made sense. The upside is I'll have a definite answer. Serious stuff ruled out once and for all, or, a diagnosis and a way to correct whatever's going on.

I won't lie, I'm kinda nervous about all this, but my anxiety makes me nervous about this stuff anyway. I am glad I will be getting to the bottom of it. Onward!

Feeling blue.

I could really use a hug.

Define: Intense

adjective /inˈtens/ ; (of a person) Feeling, or apt to feel, strong emotion; extremely earnest or serious.


And that's what this weekend was.

So much emotion, anger, hurt... It was a doozy. On the upside, it's done with now and it's time for healing. Taking risks on someone is scary. When they fall, it can be painful as hell. How many risks do you take for a heart? Apparently, one more. I hope it is worth it. I hope I am not an idiot for it. I'm still confused and uncertain to be honest. Time will tell.

Staying motivated.

I wrote this on July 23rd last year, and I need to read it often to stay inspired.


I have direction, and I have it clearly and firmly.
The presenter at the seminar on Wednesday said something that I really got a lot from: constantly starting new projects is an act of fear. Fear of finishing something, and the imperfection it will be. She said accept imperfection and FINISH IT. First drafts, are by nature, imperfect. She said that so many talented writers never get a book written because of exactly this. It really hit me. I can see myself in that.
I keep starting new and shorter things, putting off finishing my novel. So, thats it. My short story is ready to be submitted at the last few places I intend to send it, and now I am going to go back to the fiction I wrote during my Masters, and complete it to novel length. This weekend, I am going to sit down with it and work out a chapter plan (her advice again, and me being a list lover, totally me!) and set myself a writing goal of words per week. It is time to be firm with myself and push through. Even if it is terrible. That’s what editing and further drafts are for.
I thought about why I have put it off, and I realised that when I wrote it, I had some intense things going on in my life – an IVF pregnancy, and my mother’s breast cancer and subsequent surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. As a result, I have not only linked the emotions of that time to the writing, but nor did it end up reflecting my original vision for it. I was not as dedicated to it as I wanted to be, because of those things. Now, I can be. Now I can inject my everything into it, and bring it back to that vision. I still believe in the story, and am absolutely certain of its potential, and my ability to reach it completely.

The story behind 'Emancipated.'

I wanted to talk a little about why I wrote Emancipated, and why it was such a powerful and important piece to me.
As someone who experienced infertility and the traumas of assisted conception first hand, the hardest part of the entire process was always managing the negative emotions that went with it. I managed to form a circle of friends all of whom were facing infertility problems of varying degrees, and I became aware that all of us were feeling these same emotions and having these same thoughts, and we all carried enormous guilt for them. Any time that we voiced them, we were ‘bitter’ or ‘jealous’ and it really made the entire thing so much harder to cope with.
It is important to me that we acknowledge these thoughts and emotions of negativity and accept them, with an understanding of where they come from and why they exist. They don’t make us monsters, they are understandable and valid experiences. The more people I was able to get this message through to, the better – and as a result, the more I heard from women feeling the same who were able to say “thank god I am not alone, thank god someone has said it’s okay to feel the way that I do about this…”


Emancipated is included in my ebook, The Result of Coercion.

A holiday with a BFF.

Doesn't that look beautiful? That's where my friend, Fleur, and I are headed to start 2012. In January we are flying out of Melbs and heading northward to sit on an island beach drinking cocktails and relaxing our bones. We might check out some great barrier reef and Island hop whilst we are there...

I went away with Fleur last year for Sydney palooza, she's an easy holiday mate to have. I know we get along well enough to enjoy 5 nights together quite blissfully. Have you ever holidayed with friends? Where did you go? I reckon its a bonding thing too. You always come home from shared experiences with a tighter connection. Bonus! And as you know, she is one of my besties, so I can't wait to chill with her and bliss out!

We booked our stay today, got a great bargain price, so lucky! I can't wait! SQUEE!!!!!

Happy 8th Birthday, Finn

I cannot believe 8 years has passed since I became a mother. How amazing is this experience? I feel so lucky that I can be a mother, and moreso, that I can be a mother to the amazing children I have.

Finn is a special kid. He has the mind of an adult, often. Which confuses his 8 year old mind to no end at times, I think. He is so compassionate, so empathetic, so kind and generous and giving. Often to his own detriment, but he doesn't care. He just wants people to be happy.

He is everything I hoped and more as a big brother to RJ. He dotes on her, loves her, and is proud of her. It makes me glow with happiness to see how he teaches her and looks out for her always.

He is fiercely smart. He has a brain for maths and science that I can't rival, and he reads way ahead of the norm. He wants to invent things, he wants to solve problems, and he wants to do it all wearing a superhero cape.

I am so proud of the boy he is. So proud of the personality, and the intelligence he possesses. My wish is that he can be proud of it too, he can be such a perfectionist, he always demands more from himself.

My darling heart, I cannot believe you are 8. You are my world now, as much as you were when you came into the world 8 years ago. I am so proud to be your Mama. I love watching you grow, learn and develop. When I went to America, I talked to you about our "invisible string" it attaches our hearts, and can lengthen and retract depending on our distance apart. It's unbreakable. It always will be, even when you're 16 and trying to shred it ;) I'm always with you, and always proud of you. I love you my mooey. No matter what.

Bloggy reading

Have you checked out my blog roll? There are some pretty awesome blogs in there. Some amazing people with great stories to tell. From each, you find yourself drawn in by their recommendations too, and into a world of bloggy goodness. Check em out!

It Gets Better

This has been shared a lot lately over fb and twitter, its emotional. Gotta get that message out. /love.



http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

Holidays!

I am currently trying to plan my next holiday. As you are aware if you read me often, I tend to make a habit lately, of taking off with 2 of my best mates for long weekends of indulgence and drunken silliness. We're planning another trip, but not until January, because Fleur is headed to Europe with her hubby in less than 8 weeks, lucky devil!!! So we are talking City V Island adventures at the moment, both hold definite appeal. Which would you choose? Either way, there is bound to be a lot of relaxation, good food, and cocktails.

Aside from that, I want to plan my own holiday. I'm in a bit of a bind though. I have an outside chance of a fairly decent holiday early next year to Europe, but it may not come through. If not there is still a good likelihood of a mini solo trip overseas sometime next year. I'm thinking maybe Italy or France. Bliss.

On top of that, I would really like to take the kids away again. Last year we went to QLD, this year somewhere different. I want to show them out country bit by bit, state by state. Tourist destination by tourist destination. Giant banana by giant shrimp. You get the idea.

In summary, I need to win the lotto. :/

Office revamp

My office needs a revamp. It's such a lovely space, yet I am not utilising it. I need to, and I need to "go to work" in there every day as though I were employed. It's a shambles at the moment. I am going to post some before photos, and then try to sort it out and get some ideas from all of you to transform it to some after photos I'll also take.

A note, the bed frame for my 4 post bed has to stay there, it doesn't fit up the stairs on in my funny shaped bedroom in this house (sob) and I refuse to put it out in the shed, so it has to stay. Anything else is negotiable, although, I kinda need the desk and chair ;)

My world map with colored pins for where I have been, and where I want to go, used to be on a cork board, but I thought I could make the corkboard some sort of inspiration board type thing with quotes, pictures and stuff that inspires me. Whatever that is.

Anyhoo. TMI. Here are my before photos, now what am I gonna do in here? Interior design wannabes HAAALLLPPP!!!!!!

Photo 1: bookshelf, old mini desk, pram (!?), and general crap...

Photo 2: My mess of a desk. Travel plan map, more general crap.



Photo 3: The other side of the room (opposite the 2 windows and bed frame). There are 2 cupboards for storage (also need sorting out); and the mantle over the fireplace which has Hendrix's ashes, and Keven's collar and their food bowls. My wee tribute to them. Oh, my masters is stuffed back there too. :/

Dreams

How freaking weird are dreams? People who've known me for some time, will know that I often have very vivid, and often violent dreams. I've gone from fearing them, to being fascinated by them. Admittedly, I am still affected by the super bad ones, it's impossible not to be. I always want to use them for writing fodder, but so far, I haven't been able to capture them in the same vivid and realistic way I dream them. It's very frustrating.

I take notes on my phone when I wake in the night, I thought I'd share them with you for a chuckle (or a scream!)


A cult you can't escape, the murdered girls feet cut off and used as art on the wall serve as a warning for what happens to those that try to escape. Bloodied footprints appear down the hall, she walks among them still. Etc.

Every year a girl re-lives her date rape beating. She tries to stop the cycle of repetition by telling her friends the times and places so they can prevent it this time. Each year it changes by a small detail.

A flood is wreaking havoc. A new journo asks the premier at a press conference - "How will we know when the rain stops?" the premier looks dumbfounded and replies "what the hell? Look out the window!? Is that really the question you meant to ask??" "Err, no your honor (facepalm). It's just my first day..." And my last.

A school group is trudging through drains to an unknown destination. Familiar places look different. Is it a parallel world? A guy with a laser gun fries someones head off for getting out of line. They hand out immunity cards to a lucky few. They begin separating boys and girls. I make a boy go in my place, claiming he is a girl, I try to escape before the next car comes to take us who knows where? It's nowhere good.

"Like" a serial killers facebook page... and he comes visiting.

Hospital infections turn faces green. We learned their secret, now they are after us. A friend sacrifices herself so we can escape. we see the circular saw start as she shoves us out of the room, then we see the blood splatters across the door... and we run.

Evil spirits are following me, they right on the window in blood. Words like "gullible" and "useless" and "I'm coming" - I write back in the fogged up window - 'wanker' and everyone freaks that I am asking for it. I feel the spirit wrap around me and at first it tickles, then it tightens and it constricts my breathing. it chases me around the house. I try to shut it out, it pushes me off balance and shoves me around. It feels awful, and inescapable. Makes me anxious and panicked.


Hmm. Kind of a scary look into my mind. I'll have a psych team at my door any moment now! teehee!

Photo credit

What weekend??

It's Monday. Apparently, I just had a weekend, but I swear I was robbed of it. I went and saw the final Harry Potter movie, Deathly Hallows 2, with my sister on Saturday and when I got back, my son had a friend over for the night - and I discovered he was there until 3pm Sunday. 3pm!! Good bye weekend!!! I took them both to Scienceworks on Sunday but the kid was not collected until 4pm, so my weekend was shot to hell. Kinda frustrating, there was stuff I wanted to do. And next weekend is hectic as well, because it is Finn's birthday party on Sunday. Gah! At least he is enjoying himself!

I am loving how the poll is going here. Young adult writing is in the lead by a decent margin. I am interested in that, I think I have a fairly good voice for YA fiction, so I am looking forward to seeing what I can come up with from it! The Ebook has sold a few copies, but nothing astounding. Still, I am glad I could share it with those that were interested. Thank you to those who have shown me support, I truly am grateful and inspired to push on as a result.

I will keep writing and I will get better, and I will have success. I can feel it!